daring to dream and wanting to fly

      I am allowing myself this moment, to dream...
 It's been harder and harder for me to dream about Sammy's future. We just went to speak to someone about life insurance and in doing so had to prepare for the eventuality someone WILL have to help care for Sammy in some capacity when we are gone.
      But for now I am taking the time to dream...
That some day he will find something he loves to do,that is amazing. That he will find love and have dreams. That he will succeed in life and someday outrun autism enough that it is in his shadow and not the other way around. Because Damn it It should be that way.
The simple things we take for granted as moms and dads and grandparents of  neurotypical kids. He should be learning to tie his shoes and instead he's screaming and writhing on the floor just trying to put them on. It hurts watching him struggle.
       But for now I am taking the time to dream...

That this morning he wakes up with a smile. That his windows are wide open and the sun is shining bright. I miss my Sunshine Sam, it's been too long. I am dreaming of a morning where breakfast isn't full of tears and everyone is ready on time. Where I don't spend my morning trying to figure out what new issue has been created in his mind or by his clothes. That this morning he looks at me and really LOOKS AT ME tells me he loves me with a smile and gives me a hug, without me having to ask. Without me having to take him by the shoulders and hug him and force myself into his world. Because Damn it I am tired. I don't want to feel like I have to force myself on him every day. I want to be in his world. I want him to want me there. Today, he does, because I am taking the time to dream...