catching up

this is part of the pure summer joy! watermelon,naked!

Sammy ate almost an entire quarter of it all by himself

this is Sam's mustache, i thought it was a sad face and that made him rather angry. watermelon trowing ensued
sorry I never did post that picture of the finished cookies. they didn't last long enough for me to snap a photo. it was over the second the kids got home. so i guess that means they were good.


I didn't get one since I still can't really eat solid stuff. maybe by next week my mouth wont hurt as much? maybe?

cookie making

i had given a gift of sweet treats to some family and friends this Christmas. every quarter i make a treat they want for them. I'm a bit behind in making July's but they are getting done. I made more cookies today.this is actually my second attempt at this recipe. the first time they just weren't as good as I wanted them to be. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I think I figured it out. I doubled the recipe except forgot to double the butter. they weren't terrible but they were not fantastic either.
this is the recipe I used.
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Best-Big-Fat-Chewy-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie/Detail.aspx

from what I gather the secret to this recipe is the melting of the butter first. I did melt it but not completely. just until it was the consistency of pudding.



i beat the butter until it looked much like whipped cream.





then I added the brown sugar and white sugar. I always use half dark brown and half light brown sugar when I make cookies. I just like the way they come out better. I beat this mixture until it reminded me of mousse. I want to say espresso mousse for some reason





then the eggs. I separated two (the extra whites will be for meringues) and then added two more. look it's happy to see me! added the vanilla












It calls to sift all the dry ingredients together. so of course I got to enjoy using my vovoa's old sifter.









then add the chips. mix it by hand and measure 1/4cup for each cookie.






bake...





still in the oven so a finished picture will have to wait

teeth, birthdays and pumpkin butter

my mouth hurts. last friday I had major oral surgery and now have dry sockets. fun. they plugges the gaping holes with something that tastes like a sombination of clove and burning bandaids. sucks!

i had a birthday this past weekend. yipee? spent the day in bed hopped up on percs (my kinda day LOL im kidding) went to a party that night and remember NOTHING. except chocolate mousse. my wonderful friend michelle made me some since I couldn't chew.

hubby got me pats tickets SCORE!!!!!
the boys got me a twilight shirt and 2 pairs of fluffy socks for work. my aunt made me an eggplant lasgana and mashed potatoes and kayla did some laundry and made lunch. weeee. good times.

I also made pumpkin butter in one of the few and rare moments of clarity. 7 jars from one batch. freeking yum.tastic.
i have pics Ill have to post them later

sam

he has been fantastic today so far. super sweet. he even picked up his toys so he could play Wii. it's never like this!

Thank you Lord,

for the sunshine in Sammy's eyes today.

another note the autism walk is coming in two weeks. if you want to join me and walk or if you would like to support out team. email me.

silentnight913@yahoo.com

best blog EVA!

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

today was a better day

much better. thank God!

we finished Sam and Nate's room today. its clean YAY. now just to finish putting up the wall art and Im done! jungle room complete!!!

great breakfast with sharon at a fantastic greasy spoon in bridgewater. eggs florentine. poached eggs, spinach,florintine sauce ham and a grill english muffin. fucking Yum!the best ever home fries and good coffee. of course sharon, who makes things that much more enjoyable.
"did you see the bear?" no...did you see the balloon?

the family went to the feast today. the older two saw their grandfather and he really misses them. I feel bad. he has always been really good to them its his wife that is the issue. he wants to see them more. I want that too but their father says no. he can use it against me in court. so how do I make that choice?

mallasadas and casoila. freeking yum yum
so much for body image today. im just happy to have such a great family with fantastic kids and a wonderhubby.
i feel much better today.

past few days

busy here.
the older boys were going camping with auntie Debbie and auntie Lisa, so... because they cannot eat the commercial marshmallows you buy in the store. I had to make them. I don't mind making them, and I love eating them but its messy. i also messed up the first batch and so it became marshmallow fluff and not actual marshmallows. the second batch was perfect. I rolled them into parchment paper and then cut them when they cooled. they looked just like store bought marshmallows.

dr's appointments all morning on Friday. one for me and one for Nate. all is well. Nate is a whole 18.5lbs. what a peanut, at this rate he will never be forward facing!

farmers market... what a thrill. (i say this sarcastically)
I got peaches for peach butter, blueberries, peppers,corn (which I had tonight with our dinner) some sweets and a butternut squash. some yummy blue cheese and a major surprise.

i already felt vulnerable today. it's the last thing I needed. i must admit. I hate to, but she does look good. but I wasn't prepared. not even a little

so then we went to BJ's (ha!) and got a ton of other things we needed. Im making jam this week.

I bagged chicken stock. chicken legs.pork chops. and a ton of other things.

sadly we lost our bunny this week as well. I miss her so much already. we saw cats at the farmers market... I want tater tot!

summer pics!

somewhere in my head

I am still trying to shift the focus from one thing to another with Sam. I am past that grieving point and working on acceptance. I am grateful it isn't cancer, or AIDS, or any other such ailment. I hate that my mother once said " at least it's only autism"

only autism
interesting(slightly insulting yes) but interesting concept

only autism
stims on movies, dust, noise.. lots of stuff
creates a world for my son that he is comfortable in
turns every day objects like CD's and sunshine into hours of entertainment
changes his view and mine of the world
changes the worlds view of him
only autism
put me in a place that is starting to make sense and starting to hurt less. there is far more celebrating these days then their was 6 months ago.
i haven't given up. I have changed my mind on how I want to approach this.

i prayed for years for God to give me a real purpose. to call me in a voice I couldn't ignore. No one on this earth could EVER ignore Sammy.
so he called, I wasn't ready to listen 8 months ago.
I'm listening now Lord
as Sammy would say
"less dooin dis fing"

today

sam and I are going on a date.
we are going to see WALL-E
i can't wait!!!

making pickles

got this easy pickle recipe here .

http://ihavetosay.typepad.com/randi/2008/08/the-recipe-bo-1.html

i wish I knew how to make that a cool little linky thing with her name in it

while it wasn't complicated it was time consuming. the kids and I enjoyed doing it though. thank you sous chefs Tyler,AJand Sam

first i sterilized the jars

peeled a ton of garlic, chopped one pretty habenero pepper into itty bitty pieces.( they didn't have the pepper the recipe called for because of the salmonella/e-coli outbreak) dill seed and grape leaves.

filled the jar with STUFF

cukes, zucchini, squash, onions,peppers one jar of just pickled garlic and onions. YUM

made the brine with cider vinegar,salt, and water. put it to boil.

filled the jars and closed the lids.

25/30 minute water bath until the lids are sealed and they are the right temp.

i cant wait until its time to try them!

i also processed tomatoes into bags for the winter. yay.

today

i am the ant ... not the grasshopper!
today im making

pickles
pickled squash
tomato puree

someday

today sammy looked at me and said "i love you sweetheart" so today in my house

autism speaks

and I heard it loud and clear

4 years and a smile 10,000 tear drops and mile

.it's been four years since I held that little man in my arms the first time as "i can only imagine" played. i was blissfully unaware of what would come. i simply held him and whispered the lyrics to him. My husband and I both with tears in our eyes. slow smiles and wriggly fingers and legs those first few months. he was so wonderful.

the first 10months. he seemed so normal. so perfect. he never looked at me when he nursed. he didn't recognize himself in the mirror. but he smiled. he could smile and light up the room. so what if most of the time he was smiling at the fan or the light. he was smiling. he crawled and climbed and played. yeah he lined things up but all kids do that...right?

months and years passed and time slowly stood still for us. a dream for some. then again not so much. I looked at my baby and wondered what I was doing wrong. By 2 he was so aloof I could barely get his attention. he wouldn't hug me or talk. in fact by 2 he said 3 words. I figured he was a late talker. we dealt with his allergies. I thought it was because I was working too much even though he was with me at work. I made excuses i lied to myself and everyone else. but it was getting worse. he could play with trucks and dress himself. he could stack 15 blocks in a tower and stand on his head. he could even do a summer salt. that was exceptional... wasn't it? I cried most nights and made my heart feel better by telling myself the things he COULD do were more important than the ones he COULDN'T.

he was diagnosed this December with autism. this unfair,unfailing thief that stole my baby and my dream for him away in the night. autism took my son while I sat there watching. nothing could save him or protect him. Not for a moment. I sat in that doctor's office those words bouncing in my ears. autism...autism... "wait, your saying he is AUTISTIC?" i couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand. was he talking about the right child? "we are talking about Sam Chagnon right?" I asked and the doctor handed me the tissues and I burst into tears. 10,000 tears I cried over that day, week, month...

but then I got mad! I decided it was time to fight for my son. and i haven't stopped yet. 4 hours of speech a day at home from me. hours of OT and sensory work. repeating everything. thousands of dollars and millions of moments stolen that i refused to give up without a fight. it was slow. we had words and then sentences. and then he said I love you. it changed in that moment. he still may have tough days. he still may lash out and be out of control sometimes. he may still make me sad and cause people to judge me.
this is a slow race. every step counts. were moving and its getting better... after all he's come a long way. the race is far from over, but I think we may have passed that first mile

happy birthday little man. you amaze and delight me. I love you so very much

kiss

hug

snuggle

kiss

snuggle

hug

post secret

sent out some secrets today...

ughhh sammy is making me crazy

yummy lunch

another meal in muffin cups. my boys are asking for these almost daily now. guess it was a hit?

family trip

as of Sunday

I have had no Internet at home. we had a pretty powerful storm that we got caught in. we were at the feast, just bought our malasadas and BOOM the heavens opened... wish I had some soap. that would have saved much drama with Sam that evening when he was convinced the rain was his shower!

great weekend here we went to roger Williams and Sam did FANTASTIC. held my hand listened and everything. melted down 100000% that night though but ah well .
tonight I will post pictures when I come back to work but for now I go

wonderful summer days

Daniel took the day off today so we could spend a little time together as a family, What with my work schedule and his we have barely seen each other more than an hour some days not even at all.

we took the kids to Borderland State Park. What a beautiful place. rolling landscapes, historical facts, a castle, and bugs! The parking machine was broken so parking was free BONUS! (usually its 2$ a car)at the visitors center you can get a bug net, a magnifying glass, a bug box and a book. you get to keep the book, the rest you borrow so you can catch dragonflies and other such creatures as the children see fit. YAY. In the book there are places for the stamps of each state park in MA and when you get them all you get a tee shirt. adventure I say.

Aj caught one dragon fly. we also found a weird Caterpillar that hissed and looked like it had an eye on its bum, a weird lump of moths that were both alive and dead, a horsefly, and a fire ant. Nate discovered the joy of rocks and the fountain. and I got to snuggle up next to my honey while walking the paths enjoying nature. It was truly a wonderful day

Until we got to Dicks Sporting Goods. We had to buy cleats for Sam and AJ since their soccer starts tomorrow. there is a track around the shoe department which Sam was running happily. I could see him just about all the way around except for when he would go behind one display. 3 seconds later he would come out the other end and that was the way it was. until lap 15 or so when he didn't come out after 3 or 5 or 7 at that point I walk over (all of about 6 steps) and sam is GONE! like no where to be seen GONE. I started calling for him the boys are looking for him I panic inside and feel like I am going to throw up. they shut down the store call CODE ADAM and we still can't find him. We are calling his name and all I can think is that "he doesn't know enough to tell me where he is" he wasn't going to answer us. by this point my older two are racing through the store looking in racks and under things and inside displays. dan takes off outside with nate to see if sammy left the store and its now been 4 minutes. I still can't find him and I am still calling his name all the while wondering why the hell I don't just shut up. I keep wondering whose high pitched shrieky voice that is... until I realise that it is in fact my own voice. I bite my lip and start to cry. 5 minutes. still no sam. I am getting the manager of the store to call the police and then someone asks "did you check the bathrooms?" 6 minutes still no sign of sam. I race through the store full sprint praying "dear god please just let him be there, just let him be ok and I swear I will never complain about the cross I bear with him ever again" 7 minutes... he comes out of the bathroom completely shocked and wondering what the fuss was all about. no clue. he is half naked and hopping up and down "i need you wipe sammy bum mum,bum mum bum mum" and I giggle and cry and get angry and cry more. call off the code adam buy the cleats and decide I need a trophy for the worst mom of the year award.

the beautiful flowers you can find all over the park grounds

wonderhubby with the boys.

nate and the discovery of rocks and the fountain. (he kept trying to get in)

bug hunters

in the castle

yummy lunch.

got the idea from Dr. Sears and another mom on Mothering message boards and I am so excited

muffin tins filled with yummy snacky food goodness. Oh I am so excited. my kids are eating and my clean up is minimal

fresh mozzarella
mushrooms
cuke slices that look like donuts
almond butter
flax seed pita bread
SCD crackers
tomatoes
sliced American cheese
pineapple

our new adventure

http://www.letterboxing.org/

way cool!

weird dream

WEIRD
go to church at st Joe's see Gretchen from the old life teen (would never go to st Joe's, some things there are better left alone) Nate is a baby and starts crying. i leave the church and go into the flea market connected to the church. I'm walking with him and just kissing him.
church lets out and Dan and the kids join me. I see her. I ignore her because really what else CAN i do?
I am now at some grey haired lady's house. with cats and ferrets. I take pictures of the door/.window , the boys, obscure yellow thing covered with grass and a video of Nate being carried by Dan. the photos are set to rocky theme song. sometime later in my dream Sharon explains that is because she has adhd. we are in the yard and Sammy isn't there and the boys are with friends somehow i get separated and the alarm goes off she shuts the door on me (grey haired lady) and this big thing blows up that looks like a garment bag. i cover my ears and worry the zipper will dislodge and kill me.
suddenly I'm at work. i don't wake up in time to feed the babies and both parents are up. cant find the milk or the fridge for that matter. the fridge pissed momma off so she beat the piss out of it . dad wants to test my boundaries and starts pushing me around in a silky open robe and i kick him in the nuts. feed the babies and lie about when (I WOULD NEVER EVER DO THIS)
riding home with Sharon to her stainless steel house with palm trees brushed on it. we pass rocking chairs, she says she ffound a gold one 25% off. i let her out and my car is kidnapped i call to Sharon and she thinks i am being silly until i scream HELP then i wake up

ill spell check tomorrow

out of step

Not sure what is going on right now with Sammy. He is back to the old and difficult Sammy from days gone by. in 4 days I have restrained him 15 times. Not as bad as it had been, but not as good as it has been either. i am loosing touch with him again and it hurts more now then when I didn't know it was happening. I can't possibly explain what it is like to be beat on by an angry 4 year old (OK so he isn't four until next month)who is as strong physically as a ten year old and has the understanding of a 22 month old. How do i win that battle? I don't is the answer.

I wont go said SAM I am!!

will you go with your shoes?

will you go with something new?

could you... would you...

just this once?

get in the car,Sam please don't punch!

He will not go with his shoes

He will not budge for something new.

He could not would not

nope not this once.

Get in the car and not try to punch

he will not go that angry man

He does not like to

He's SAM I am.

How can I put into words what i feel inside when i see my baby struggle so hard. it isn't even the big things that frustrate most kids. It's little things. The kicking and the punching just because he didn't hug me before we went through the door.

I love that little man with every . single. fiber. of . my . being

I see him playing with his lint babies and I just cry.

I want to fix him. I want to make it easy.

I know he can say he loves me

but I want him to feel it. Right now it's all just words and sound. how much meaning it has for him I probably wont ever know.I hope he feels me, the way I feel him, in his far away smiles and the stim of the moment. I feel him, within the walls of my heart. jumping over each beat in a perfectly choreographed ballet that only him and I can dance to. a song only he can hear. it makes my heart dance that much harder to keep up. I am forever out of step, out of touch and behind. I can't hear the music we are dancing too, i can only stumble through and hope and pray (oh how I pray!) that it will be enough and just a little more.

It's a beautiful day

just for pure cute factor

Daniel, the two younger Chagnon children and I went to the Rochester Farmer's Market.
What fun that was.

we got some pea greens and a book 4 gimp bracelets and an adorable taggie lovie for Nate from BeeHandmade. I wanted to get a yummy brownie from artisan kitchen , however some of the items had pecans. I couldn't take the chance of cross contamination. I have to be alive for my kids. I ended up going over to the bakery/convenience store and buying some cookies.

I am off to summer fest tonight for a bit and just trying to decide if I need tickets for one or two days. I know I want to go to the farmers market in fairhaven tomorrow as well. there were some really yummy things there too