Friday, July 6, 2012

What If

I feel stuck.

I am having some minor health issues right now. My kidneys tend to flare up here and there and unfortunately I am dealing with a major flare up right now. Being pregnant makes it harder to deal with. I had too many nuts and not enough water. I was trying to increase my protein intake to make sure baby bean grows ok. Now I'm in pain and on medicine and all of that makes me worry. I have no choice but to take the antibiotics since my kidneys are badly infected and they hurt. Dealing with this on top of some other emotional drama makes me feel yucky. So I feel stuck.

Stuck because I have to take these meds and I don't know that they are really "safe". What if What if What if... It's like being on a never ending carousel ride that plays off key music. I can't quite make it stop and that makes it hard.

I took Zoloft when I was pregnant with Sammy. I was depressed. There were so many hurtful bad things going on in my life back then. Two things in particular that shook me beyond anything I could ever put into words.I couldn't cope, so I cleaned. I would stay up to all hours of the night crying and cleaning. I was out of control and the only think keeping me moving forward was the boys. I needed to be there for them. I needed help, so I got help.

Now there are studies linking Zoloft to autism. Damn it. Damn It DAMN IT! like I dont blame myself enough already? As if the guilt doesn't kill me every single time that kid melts down. As if I wasn't already blaming myself. But it was safe then, or so they thought. I had to do something...right?

So what if these "safe medications" I am taking now change the game plan? What If ...What IF... WHAT IF?