Thursday, July 26, 2012

Chasing Sanity

Sometimes the emotional roller coaster of my life gets to me. We seem to be on a down hill slalom here. It's always hard to watch Sam fall apart bit by bit. It's even harder to be feeling out of sorts myself when this starts. I kind of feel like I'm trying to out together a tower and the Earth underneath just keeps shaking. I can't seem to get my footing. It's hard feeling like I am in the thick of things I cannot control.

It's days like today, when Sammy wakes me with anxiety and stress, that I try to remember the happy. I try so hard to find that smiling boy with the fluffy head. I look back at pictures from so very long ago, of family vacations, and I long for the happy.

Part of me struggles with the reality that I live with. I wouldn't change it for the world, but it doesn't mean it's easy. There are so many out there with bigger and heavier crosses to carry. I feel silly complaining. I know it could be worse, but right now this is what I know. Right now this is hard. Right now I wish I could go back.

Back where? I'm not entirely sure. I have always struggled with being depressed. I can't remember a time when I didn't struggle with it. From the melodramatic kid to the sullen teen to the tearful mother, It never really changed. I never changed

I wonder if my boy will be the same. I wonder if he will remember his childhood as sad and gray. I wonder if he feels as lost as I did at his age.

That is harder to think about than anything we may be dealing with right now.

So Today I need happy and I need a smile.