Guardian-keeper for life

You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain 
You who has soldiered through the profane 
They were distracted and shut down 


So why, why would you talk to me at all 
such words were dishonorable and in vain 
their promise as solid as a fog 


and where was your watchman then 


I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden 
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand 
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian 


you, you in the chaos feigning sane 
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane 
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed 


And where was your watchman then 


I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian 
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden 
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand 
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian 

Reading the lyrics I am sure Alanis didn't intent to speak to me about my son and his autism. Yes HIS autism, because you see, every child's autism is different.  I read that line  "So Why, why would you talk to me at all , such words were dishonorable and in vain, their promise as solid as a fog." I thought that is where we were. I dared him to speak to me, to find words and use them. Even though for years those words made little sense to him. He spoke in phrases he had heard and scripted for so long.  He was so lost for so long it was like watching a giant tumbleweed. He was in pain trying so hard and I didn't get it because I couldn't see past my pain. Where was his watchman then? I was right there, I just didn't get it yet.

I get it now. I hope he knows that. I hope he knows that I am his keeper for life, I will always be his warrior and his angel. I love that boy with every breath that is in me, in ways I can't even put into words. I may not really like his some days, but I always love him. I feel a deep responsibility for Samuel. More so than the other kids, simply because he needs it more.  He needs me more. I feel as though I must protect him, not just from everyone else, but from himself as well. He is a stunning little man and I am so blessed to have him. I feel bad that being with him makes me so tired!

So while I am sure Alanis didn't intend to trigger this post about my son, she did. Thank you Alanis for writing a song I can relate to. The song brought me back and reminded me, that he has overcome so much.