Monday, June 17, 2013

This is Hard

This is hard. Parenting a child with a disability is hard. there is no real way around that. It's hard, and sometimes, it sucks. No sugar coating it.

Like when you are at church with your 8 year old in the crying room because he just can't contain himself.
When that same 8 year old tells you he hates you and says mean things because he is just a mess over not finding his favorite shoes that morning. When the entire day is a  never ending series of blow ups, explosions, walking on eggshells, and teetering on the edge because of those damn shoes. When you begin to feel like maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake giving this child to you because , seriously, You are not equipped         in any way for this. When you find the shoe in the most ridiculous place and for a second fantasize about beating the teen that put it there, with the shoe. When you loose your cool, and scream and cry as though you have truly lost your mind... Those days suck. Those days are hard.There is so much else going on and so many other kids that need your attention too.When you haven't taken a family vacation in years because money is so tight.  The stress of taking your son somewhere unfamiliar is just too much. Because , after all this time you STILL worry what people think.

It's hard. No doubt about it.

but THIS ( possible trigger warning) and THIS (possible trigger warning)
makes my heart hurt in ways I can't possibly explain.

Because as much as it sucks he s still my boy. I still love him with an incredible fierceness. Despite the days I just don't wanna... I do
Because tomorrow the sun comes up. It isn't the end of the world
No matter how bad it seems

Because, once, at 14 I really thought there was no way out but a bunch of pills. Because clinical depression CAN happen and does happen even at 14. Even when people around you don't get it and think you should be happy. Maybe someday I will tell that story.

Even if it feels like no one cares... someone, somewhere does.
Even if you think it is bigger than you... it isn't bigger than two
My faith get me through those days now. By the Grace of God I make it through those days into tomorrow