Friday, December 2, 2011

As Boys Grow

As boys grow they pull away from their mother. It's a very normal thing to happen. Tyler my oldest son is beginning that it seems. He is never disrespectful or combative. He just seems to need me less. He still hugs me and needs me but I can see him growing up faster by the minute.

I was looking for a picture for this weeks moment our Friday ritual from Soule Mama. and it occured to me. Sammy almost never hugs me any more. He use to be all over me, hugging me until I felt I had to escape. Touching my hair and face and arms and neck over and over. He was always being affectionate but sometimes it crossed a line into too much. I would always remind him to respect my body.

It's been weeks since we have connected for more than a second. My heart hurts. I love that boy so much I can't even think about it without tears stinging my eyes. I want to hold him and love him. He doesn't like being touched these days. I try for hugs and sometimes I get one. Its usually a very patterned response to my request.

Sammy 4 and Tyler 13

I need to reconnect with him. I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to connect with him. I want to crawl inside his mind and share the space with the demons that torment him. Maybe from inside his head I can fight back. Maybe then I can find the pieces for him and help him not struggle so much. My heart aches with all I CANNOT do for my son. I want him to know I love him. Not just a little but with everything I am. I don't want it to be just words.

He may just be pulling away as Tyler is.

 It's not fair. I have had far less connected time with him. It took forever to even find a window in his world, and now those windows are drawing the shutters closed.