Wednesday, May 28, 2008

silence of the sam

Autism is such a funny thing. Our babies with this mysterious world look so normal. heartbreakingly normal to everyone around us. they don't have a certain look or feature that denote the handicap. They just seem normal. We as parents are the ones who get the looks the stares and the eye rolls. Our babies look normal, its the parents that look as though they have a problem.we get the looks from people who wonder why we can't control our child. they wonder why he screams every time a car goes by. They wonder why he greets strangers by growling barking or even better by licking them. Why he walks up to strangers and tells them what flavor poop they are. So our babies look normal. normal to everyone but us. we sit and apologize for every misstep every infraction on another persons space every single time.we count the times they stim on innaproprate things.we watch their diets,there sleep,their behaviors.It never ends. we have to watch their interests grow into obsessions that rival Monk each and every time. sometimes bordering on life threatening. like the time Sammy became obsessed with white rocks. darting into the street to gather and rub every single white rock anywhere. even leaving the house...alone
my baby my SAM is silent. he can talk but he can't tell me how he feels. he can't have a conversation with me. he has to learn to say i love you. and even that can be hollow.
but once in a while i catch a fleeting glimpse of the boy trapped inside. every so often autism lets Sammy out and i get minute glimpses into his heart and soul. i can see him in there and i plan to fight for him

photo by kellingsen photography