Friday, July 22, 2011

sunshine, clouds and rainbows

Sometimes the sun can shine so bright you almost forget the rainy days even exist.

It's been wonderful here, mostly. I am emotional knowing Sammy's birthday is coming. It's difficult for me to see his younger brother passing him in so many skill sets. Sammy is such an intense kid but some days hes all cotton candy and lollipops. I enjoy those days. The days when he sits on my lap and cuddles up or kisses me without needing to be begged . The days he actually tells me about his day and smiles. The days when he looks me square in the eye and says thank you. A lot of those things Sam has learned by watching Nate master them.

Tonight was a night where Nate excelled and Sammy sputtered.We took them to the pool at their Auntie Norma's house. Nate jumped off the diving board swam from end to end(he does wear a float suit) but Sammy spazzed every few minutes. He kept trying and did very well in the end. but he never left the three foot side. He wore a life jacket and could more than touch bottom. He wanted to have fun with the big kids so bad. It breaks my heart to see the inner struggle of a child who wants to do something so badly that it's written in capital letters on their face. To see that something inside my boy is keeping him from going after the dream in his head. It must be like dueling Jedi in his head. How horrible that must be for him. I watched him tonight at war. Not with any other person but with himself.

These moments are the hardest because I cannot just rush in and protect him, love him and fix it. My hands are tied almost as much as his are. It makes me want to scream. Sometimes I wish autism were a person that I could just punch in the face, or scream at. I wish I could go in at night and steal my baby away from it, take control and take him back. What a fool I am to think I have that kind of power. But yet I work hard everyday, stealing bits of Sammy back from autism. like ingredients in a cake.

All I can do is support my son. Love him unconditionally. Treat him with respect and admiration for every fight he wins and even the ones he looses. Because, even when he does loose, he always goes back to fight just one more time. Each time I will be beside him with my light saber ready to take on anyone who dare challenge my Jedi. Until I stop to breath again and see the vibrant colors across the sky
I know there must be a rainbow somewhere for us. There is too much rain and sunshine for there not to be. It's just hard to see it sometimes when your in the battle.