Monday, July 18, 2011

open windows and breezes

There really are good days in my house. Sometimes I almost forget where we are at and the battles of the days gone by. There are days when autism lets sammy out to play with me and it makes my heart fly. Those moments aren't long, they dont last more than minutes.Every moment fills a lifetime of void I feel. There is a a dissconnect with Sam and I. Although I love him with all that I am it is sometimes hard to tell if he loves me too. I know he does with my logical side and he does say it. It's often the words he has been taught and not the way he feels. He feels anger fully, unabashedly and completely. He is learning about his feelings slowly. He sometimes feels sad, which always surprises me.
So these good days, the days with open windows and cool breezes, are my favorite. the days when Sammy get through the whole day without a behavior or lashing out. A day where he doesn't escape or run away or hit and swear. Friday was one of those days.

We went to the park and had a picnic. While the process of getting there was a horror show the actual event was amazing. Sammy played and laughed and behaved. I put no restrictions on him except that he was not to leave the playground. He ran , he played, he hid. He SMILED. a few times he attempted to interact with other kids and I watched as he clumsily interjected into the play and conversation. The children were forgiving and pleasant. I resisted the urge to go facilitate and simply sat and watched and he found his way into the crowd to play too as the little boy beside him simply shrugged and ran after him.
I was so happy to watch that moment to know Sam did it all by himself.

I told him how proud of him I was on the way home and how grateful I was for how well he behaved. Sammy smiled. A true pleased, cat ate the canary, kind of smile.We made it home without a single behavior. I watched him in the review mirror at a stop light. I caught his eyes and with those open windows  that cool breeze floated across the car as he smiled and said "I love you mom thanks for the picnic" and then he was gone. fluttering his fingers in front of his eyes so he could sleep. my sweet angel does love me and I sat there enjoying that breeze and taking a deep breath. I wanted to imprint that on my mind so that tonight when he screams and kicks over the pajamas I choose I can remind myself. He loves me.