Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Slipping By

My oldest boy graduates in just a few weeks and his prom  is Friday. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I have never felt quite so emotional about anything in my life.

Newborns and toddlers are hard work. the preschool years and school years aren't exactly easy either and JRHigh School  is usually totally wretched. High school goes by in a blink. It all seems like so much work every single day to get it done. The tantrums, the endless feeding (both newborns and teens), the drama, the heartbreak, the giggles and the fights. So many wonderful things go on in those years but it goes by so fast.

18 years ago I was graduating from High School myself. Tyler was at my graduation in a sweet green and white tux that someone bought for him at Silversteins. I graduated without any big deal (in fact I almost slept through it but my mom came by to wake me up) There was no big graduation party, there were no real presents ( I think my mom did get me a bracelet with my name on it though), it just wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to now. I want it to be a big deal to Tyler I want him to have a blast and have a giant party. I want him to look back and remember how awesome all of this was.

I don't know if he will look back on life here with a smile or think "my Lord mom was NUTS" I am sure he will have plenty to complain about. Despite my best efforts I have made mistakes, I am, after all, human. I hope he can forgive me the slip ups and focus on all the things I did right. I hope he sees my intentions were always good. I hope he knows it's simply because I love him and truly want what is best for him.There are so many things I hope he remembers, and plenty I hope he forgets. I have no control over any of it.

I have done my very best to love him unconditionally. He has enough conditional love in other places in his life, he doesn't need that from me. I have always been there and that won't change , no matter where he lives. The selfish part of me wants him close, but the part of me that knows him and wants what is best, knows he needs to go there.

He leaves for New Jersey in just a few short weeks and I face my first summer without my boy. I can't imagine it will be easy, but I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this and he has earned it. I love seeing him succeed!
But I would be lying is I said  I wasn't sad, or worried, or scared. I think he is too.

I look at him and I see everything I hoped he would be the moment I held him for the first time. He is everything I wasn't. He is an amazing, strong, skilled, intelligent young man, and I hope to God I have taught him the right things.

We shall see