Today I am THAT mom

I should be doing lesson with Nate right now, instead he is watching Handy Manny. We are working on the letter Q. His birthday party was going to be this weekend, but I didn't plan well. So were going to reschedule. Today I am THAT mom that dropped the ball. I spent the first hour of the day beating myself up over things I need to do/ haven't done/ didn't finish.
Today I am THAT mom that lets her kids eat while watching TV even though it's against household rules. Today I am the one breaking the rules, not that my kids are complaining.

You see I am emotionally overwhelmed right now and in some kind of emotional shutdown.
All I can think is

I DON'T WANNA!!! I want to stamp my feet for good measure then curl up under the covers and make it all go away.

Today is Tyler's last day of school. LAST.DAY.FOREVER
yeah... ouch
My little boy is growing up and I can placate my already raw emotions by saying "well at least he doesn't have his licence yet" but that happens soon. Then

HE LEAVES

I am so proud.

Tonight, again, I will be that mom crying my eyes out  choking back tears at least until I get into the car as he goes off to prom. I am quite certain I will embarrass him, which is likely why he chose his girlfriends parents to give him a ride over his own mother.  Also why he wants to hang at her house after prom.
I am  won't be that mom that all the kids talked about in high school in that hushed whisper  "Did you see so-and-so's mom crying like a loon?!"
Because you see... for the last 18 years my goal was to get him here, without a baby, without stupidity, without drama. Now here it is 18 years later and he has done everything I hoped and more. The last 18 years were amazing, filled with concerts and projects at the last minute. Filled with tears and laughter and everything in between.I showed up every single day, even when I didn't want to. Because that's what a parent does, They show up. they fight the fight and they get it done.

Yeah. I'm still showing up today but in muted colors... Normally I am a bright color kinda mom. Today, I'm a pastel water color mom.
so today I will embrace being THAT mom. We will watch TV and play all day. I don't much care. I won't do laundry, or dishes. they can wait until tonight. Because as soon as I blink, it will be Evie's turn

Must Read

Sam and I have had a deal for a few years now in regards to his library card. The deal was

When you can read , you can have a card.

Guess what!? 

SAM CAN READ

Let that sink in for a minute, he can actually read. He may not be up to grade level yet. He may not even be close. BUT HE CAN READ

And with that the pure joy and pride I feel can't even come close to being measured.

He took out three books in accordance with our family library rule for gradeschoolers

one fun

one learning

and one chapter book for bed time

He chose a book on bats, a lego star wars book, and a mystery novel for bedtime. We sat together reading tonight and when i started to fall asleep, Sam (rather than choose to be done with the book for the night) read to me instead. It was a book clearly well beyond his technical reading ability but he still chose to read it to me. Outloud.

He keeps reminding me that its due back in two weeks, that he can call to renew if he needs more time, and that he can take as many books as he wants to. I hear it 3 or 4 times an hour right now. Clearly, he is as delighted at this new development as I am.

Slipping By

My oldest boy graduates in just a few weeks and his prom  is Friday. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I have never felt quite so emotional about anything in my life.

Newborns and toddlers are hard work. the preschool years and school years aren't exactly easy either and JRHigh School  is usually totally wretched. High school goes by in a blink. It all seems like so much work every single day to get it done. The tantrums, the endless feeding (both newborns and teens), the drama, the heartbreak, the giggles and the fights. So many wonderful things go on in those years but it goes by so fast.

18 years ago I was graduating from High School myself. Tyler was at my graduation in a sweet green and white tux that someone bought for him at Silversteins. I graduated without any big deal (in fact I almost slept through it but my mom came by to wake me up) There was no big graduation party, there were no real presents ( I think my mom did get me a bracelet with my name on it though), it just wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to now. I want it to be a big deal to Tyler I want him to have a blast and have a giant party. I want him to look back and remember how awesome all of this was.

I don't know if he will look back on life here with a smile or think "my Lord mom was NUTS" I am sure he will have plenty to complain about. Despite my best efforts I have made mistakes, I am, after all, human. I hope he can forgive me the slip ups and focus on all the things I did right. I hope he sees my intentions were always good. I hope he knows it's simply because I love him and truly want what is best for him.There are so many things I hope he remembers, and plenty I hope he forgets. I have no control over any of it.

I have done my very best to love him unconditionally. He has enough conditional love in other places in his life, he doesn't need that from me. I have always been there and that won't change , no matter where he lives. The selfish part of me wants him close, but the part of me that knows him and wants what is best, knows he needs to go there.

He leaves for New Jersey in just a few short weeks and I face my first summer without my boy. I can't imagine it will be easy, but I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this and he has earned it. I love seeing him succeed!
But I would be lying is I said  I wasn't sad, or worried, or scared. I think he is too.

I look at him and I see everything I hoped he would be the moment I held him for the first time. He is everything I wasn't. He is an amazing, strong, skilled, intelligent young man, and I hope to God I have taught him the right things.

We shall see

Memorial Day

I keep thinking about my Vavoo.

He was my hero and I loved that man with all of my heart. So much so that when he got sick I took care of him even though I had two small children at the time. Our family worked together and made sure he had around the clock care. My aunt and cousin taking the brunt of it.

He played this game with us where he threw change in the air and let us collect it from the living room. He had a chicken full of his rolled up bills and a squirrel full of quarters. He taught me how to make snowflakes from paper, turn a garden with a pitchfork, and how to tell when a tomato was ripe. He use to give me money and send me to the corner store to get his cigarettes with extra money for ice cream. He would sneak me cotton candy at the feast and buy me malassadas. He taught me how to make sublatha ( a red sauce for meats). He didn't beat me when I caused his sweetbread to fall, even though I am sure he wanted to, and he taught me how to make sheshpidos. He would hold me on his lap and sing me songs in Portuguese and he would always do my hair when I slept over. Most of all, he loved me, unconditionally. Without exception.
Even when I turned up pregnant at 17.
For those of you that know an old school Portuguese man, that is a big deal.
He was bigger than life to me. He was my Hero.

I was in mass yesterday and Msg Oliveria was talking about remembering those who fought for our freedoms and served our country. I thought of my Vavoo and how he fought in WWII.
Suddenly it occurred to me that he probably killed people.
My Vavoo...killed people.
I cant quite reconcile that in my head. He was the most gentle loving man to me. He did his job as a soldier. He was proud of his service. But, he may have had to kill people.
35 years it took me to realize that.
He remains my hero and that becomes just one more thing that makes me love him.
Not because he killed someone, but because he was still able to love after it. I am sure it changed him and in some ways broke him.
But that man was my Hero.
Nothing changes that

I missed it

Yesterday was awful , a seriously terrible evening.

Upon further reflection, It occurred to me

I missed the good stuff. I focused on the dark gloomy greyness of the end of the day. I need to celebrate more.

Sam had a friend over.
A friend. Like for real! Someone that likes to spend time with Sammy. He and Sammy go along pretty well. Sam seemed happy I noticed a lot of similarities between the boys

regardless Sammy had friend over. I should have focused on that before anything. Its HUGE.

its a big deal. And I was so busy crying on my cupcakes I missed it.

Depth

I have six children.
I love being a mother.

most days

Some days,  I feel so out of my depth. Some days, I skate into the home stretch of children in bed and quiet in the house. It's nights like tonight where I can only think " My God , I have to do this again tomorrow"

Thankfully those days aren't often, but they happen.
Today was awesome, tonight was a challenge.

Nate went up to tell Sam dinner was ready. Everyone had a great day. Nate went to field day, Sam had a friend over for a little while. Sam was half asleep when Nate went to get him for dinner. So Sam punched him, Nate cried which infuriated Sam more. Then Sammy pummeled Nate, AJ intervened and Sam escalated, then Ty intervened and I removed everyone and dealt with it. It was brutal, and ugly, and one of those moments that make me think that perhaps I am not a very good parent.

six children.

It's a challenge.

And some days it just sucks.

So tonight I will have a glass of wine. I will thank God for my blessings, for my trials, for the ups and the downs and for the little time that I get as their mom. When babies are born it feels like every day takes forever, but I promise you that if you just blink a little too long, they are 18.

It's kind of like a roller coaster. You wait in line, you get strapped into the car, you are so scared of the drop and the loops but before you know it the ride is over and all you have is the memory of it.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

In the morning I will do it all over again. I just hope tomorrow ends on an up-note.

Welcome back

It's been a while since I have been able to post here. My laptop died and my computer was too slow to write anything. So very frustrating. I have a ton to talk about and i promise I will. Soon.