I love him with everything I have in me. every fiber of my being wakes every morning praying his windows are wide open and its not raining inside the house we share. some mornings I find a bright breezy young man who snuggles me good morning for a second and kisses my hair. Some days I find him snuggled up against me like a baby bird in a nest looking for protection. Some days the rain is just pouring down on us and we don't have an umbrella... its dark and lonely those days.
even after he leaves for school i sit there coffee cup in hand trying to figure out what I did or didn't do that caused the storm to come. Sitting there with tears just beneath the surface and the nagging doubt of pure fear in my heart that somehow it is all my fault.
you see... its been three years since the day autism walked into our life. three years we have had the label and every moment I still wonder what I did. I'm still not past the blame stage of my hurt I guess. I can't blame Sammy, it isn't his fault. I refuse to blame God, because I know God loves me no matter what, in much the same way that I love my sons. So the only one left is me... my fault. Like cold soup spilled in my lap its just there and I don't know what to do with it. I am at a loss. A terrible desperate loss and there isn't a possible way to climb out of this.
I'm sitting here knowing Sammy and I had an amazing night. He helped make dinner and set the table and helped make popcorn. he was sweet and gentle and he was so present. So available to me. I love seeing him this way. I don't want to go to bed because I'm so afraid it will break the spell and tomorrow will be a rainy no good sort of day