a morning of sunshine?

can it be true... could this be so??? An OK morning. It was by no means fantastic but it was better than the rest of the week by far and worlds better than last night! PRAISE JESUS!

Christmas is always a tough time for Sammy. We work hard to set him up with clear expectations and sound ideas on how to handle situations. I am working on a new holiday social story for him to prepare him for the Roy family Christmas. He is usually pretty good so I really can't complain, but I think he is good because we make sure he is "ready" for it. His speech has been back sliding a bit lately so I have to watch that. But most of all I feel blessed to have such a wonderful handsome son

waiting to exhale

Sammy should be home any minute. He brought home a note the yesterday in his communication book that he was having a tough time. He's having a tough time here as well. I am so tired and frustrated and just done. he pretty much wants to live in jammies without shoes on. Can't send him to school like that can I. I almost wish he would go back to wearing only his spider man costume, at least that he would wear shoes with. I just feel like I can't win.

Another ridiculous morning at home. I have realized that if he has a bad morning Nate has a bad day. it spirals out of control and I am left here dealing with it all.

i came in today to Sammy sitting at the breakfast table in his polar bear jammies(thanks Donna) "look mom I'm having breakfast, its oatmeal" so cute ... so normal.

Until he made eye contact with his shoes and started to cry and freak out. He hadn't even put them on yet. then he spotted underwear...OH THE TERROR. he went off to school with all his clothes on and me completely exhausted.

I'm sitting here knowing his bus should be here soon and I am just waiting to exhale.

i know a penguine

who likes to polka, in tapioca who lives in mocha... pretend I know a penguin who likes to polka, in tapioca... and lives in mocha

a brief moment

For a moment I thought it would be a good day. the sun was peeking in my window as I woke up and stretched. the squirrels were outside my window noisily munching something or another. A.J. went it to wake Sammy and told him nicely it was time to start getting up. Sammy's response shattered any sense of happy calm i was feeling "shut up I hate freaking damn school" nice!

we don't talk like that here so where he picks it up, no clue. I do know a little boy at school taught him the F word which he came home singing last week. He had no idea it wasn't something good.

Our morning proceeded to spiral out of control. I tried to race him to get ready which sometimes actually works. not so much today. he tried to get his shoes one and fell apart again. by the time we got to the car it was a disaster. I did get him to sing in the car which broke the evil spell.

and so I love

I love him with everything I have in me. every fiber of my being wakes every morning praying his windows are wide open and its not raining inside the house we share. some mornings I find a bright breezy young man who snuggles me good morning for a second and kisses my hair. Some days I find him snuggled up against me like a baby bird in a nest looking for protection. Some days the rain is just pouring down on us and we don't have an umbrella... its dark and lonely those days.

even after he leaves for school i sit there coffee cup in hand trying to figure out what I did or didn't do that caused the storm to come. Sitting there with tears just beneath the surface and the nagging doubt of pure fear in my heart that somehow it is all my fault.

you see... its been three years since the day autism walked into our life. three years we have had the label and every moment I still wonder what I did. I'm still not past the blame stage of my hurt I guess. I can't blame Sammy, it isn't his fault. I refuse to blame God, because I know God loves me no matter what, in much the same way that I love my sons. So the only one left is me... my fault. Like cold soup spilled in my lap its just there and I don't know what to do with it. I am at a loss. A terrible desperate loss and there isn't a possible way to climb out of this.

I'm sitting here knowing Sammy and I had an amazing night. He helped make dinner and set the table and helped make popcorn. he was sweet and gentle and he was so present. So available to me. I love seeing him this way. I don't want to go to bed because I'm so afraid it will break the spell and tomorrow will be a rainy no good sort of day