Saturday, May 3, 2014


Today I saw a post from Jess over at Diary of a Mom and she mentioned having heard this.
" This isn't what I signed up for!"

I remember saying those words once. I remember being so angry I couldn't breath and moments when I could breath, I just didn't want to. I remember thinking autism was the worst thing to happen to us ever.
I cried and I cried and I railed against God. I thought "How could he do this to me!"
Life was hard. I walked through my days in a haze. You know how the sky gets an inky black right before a storm? That was my world. Autism was like an itchy heavy lead covered sweater that I had to deal with everyday. It was like living in a battle zone in my head.
It made it almost impossible to love my son's light, I found it so hard to just like him.

what changed my thinking?


I was still able to hug him hold him (when he let me) I was still able to struggle through each day with him. He was still HERE. I felt so angry for so long. I was furious.
But then one day it dawned on me >
autism didn't change Sam, it's who he is at his deepest core. He is awesome. period.
What it did was change me, how I thought about the world. It was a massive paradigm shift.

I am at the point now where I can celebrate everything that makes him the person he is.  If I say I hate autism, aren't I then saying I hate part of him? That isn't ok with me. I hate watching him struggle and fight to accomplish things that I use to take for granted. I hate watching him struggle for the words. I hate being the target for his anger and sadness but, I am the only place he feels 100% safe.
I use to get so angry when he would line everything up across the floor. I would get frustrated when he would squeak or laugh randomly ( usually at the wrong time)
But now, it's just Sam. and I love Sam.

I have a hard time with people that don't understand autism. I want to educate them. I want them to understand that Sam is exactly who he is, regardless of why. I want them to understand I didn't cause him to be autistic. No amount of parenting, programs, diets, supplements, punishments, or therapies will change the fact that he has autism. (That doesn't mean I wont try things to help him succeed)

He is unique and awesome. He loves sticks and rocks. He is tall with fluffy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He has eyelashes most grown women would kill for. He never wears socks. He has a clear sense of right and wrong. He has a great sense of humor. He makes me smile. He has autism.

all of those things are part of what make him the person he is.  And he is awesome

Jess is right, that we did sign up for this. There was never any guarantee that everything would be roses and sunshine. Raising kids is hard work. no matter what. It's his job to be who he is and mine to show up. To get up each day and greet this life with the smile and understanding that it is a HUGE gift.