When someone you love dies suddenly it changes things inside your heart forever. It leaves a black hole inside your heart that swallows up the air in the room when you go near it. It takes all the energy from you, just for a moment, every time it crosses your mind.
That is how it feels to loose someone you love when you haven't been able to say goodbye.
It's been 4 years since he passed. I remember the phone call of my dear friend crying hysterically. I remember sitting on my couch on South Main, it was blue with white diamonds. I remember the smell of my grilled cheese sandwich burning. I remember feeling like I couldn't get to her fast enough to wrap my arms around her. I remember shopping for his suit to bury him in and buying socks for him. He deserved socks with no holes... and shoes.
I just miss him so much.
He loved me even when I was a mess, no matter what.
I saw him just days before he died. He was down by the Common Park. I didn't stop because I didn't have time. that eats at me.
He had children that loved him. Oh how he loved his family. Despite everything, he always loved them. He was so proud of the three of them.
I miss his crooked smile. I miss him forcing me to eat cake. I miss him hugging me so tight I couldnt breath. I miss the silliness that was a giant part of him. I just miss him.
Without him there is a giant hole in my heart.