Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Who I am not...

I may not be your idea of perfection.
    I am more lumpy then I used to be. My hair holds more silver in some places than the deep dark brown of my childhood. I may not wear name brand clothes or shoes, or be thin and fit and in style.

I may not be your idea of the perfect family with all our rowdy, excitable, full of life and sometimes unruly children. You may not agree with the way that I parent. You may not agree with my Catholic Faith or my very firm Pro-life beliefs.

Guess what.
I don' really care because it isn't about you anymore. Years ago it might have been. The whisperers in the store, the sideways glances, the raised eyebrows. It was just so foreign to me to see the judgement on people's faces or hear about their whispers behind my back. I was never raised that way.

I am finally at the point where I feel happy with who I am because I stopped looking through your eyes. I still have my moments when the tears burn hotter than a coal from the fireplace. I still have moments when I too wish I had that perfect house, perfect car, and perfect family appearance. There are times when I long for easy and simple.

But I made a choice years ago to trust God completely with our family in every way. Not too long ago in a moment born of sheer frustration and fear and anxiety I caught a glimpse of myself through my children's eyes. It broke my heart.

I was angry. I was trying to force them to be something that none of us are because I was still looking through your eyes. The eyes of the judgmental that don't understand who we really are. I saw our family through eyes of outside, unloving, unfair, and unkind judgement. My children deserve more than that from me.

Because I love them. Because I have been blessed with their keeping.
Because I started seeing myself through the eyes of my babies.

To them I am soft and warm. I am the arms that hold them and snuggle them to sleep. To them I am nourishment, love, peace, and hope. To them, I am the eyes they will see the future through. To my babies (even the older ones) I am home, I am their refuge. My unconditional love helps me to teach them about God's unconditional and unwavering love.

So I am done fighting your idea of who we SHOULD be.
The only judgments I am concerned about are God's alone.