Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Christmas is coming

It's advent season and most people are thrilled and excited about the upcoming christmas season. Here, not so much.I find myself longing for Christmas as I had pictured it would be.   I had this unrealistic idea of what I THOUGHT it was going to be like. I use to try and make it happen. Somewhere along the way that changed.  Yes, Autism was part of it, but there is more. Every year I am slapped with a hard truth that the idea of what my life would be is very different from reality. For kids like Sam this time of year is really hard. I have never really liked this season either, to be completely honest.  My christmas morning is full of meltdown and chaos. Christmas  Eve I inevitably find myself  surrounded by mountains of wrapping paper and tape trying to get it all done. I always find myself in tears at 3 am staring at the tree thinking "There has to be more to life than this" and praying we at least get through the day without having anyone seriously injured by Sammy. I typically come "unglued" 15 bazillion times in one day and I miss it all.
my blessings

It happens a lot lately really, I just fall apart. I burst into tears for no discernible reason. In fact the other day I began to laugh at something and found myself laughing so hard I burst into tears and began sobbing. Sneak attack for sure. I'm working on it and leaving a lot of this to God because I'm just not big enough.

Typically this season means we will spend too many days with people who just don't get it, people who think we are crazy, overly lenient, overly strict, too uptight and that Sam is just spoiled. Some will make comments, some will roll their eyes, and maybe just one of them will finally understand it this year... wishful thinking I suppose. I can't just avoid them because some may or may not be related.

This year I am willing it to be different...

I received a great pamphlet from my MMIL (meddling mother in law, which is my affectionate name for her) about making advent special. We spent some time together Sunday coming up with ways to make this season special. We have some good ideas. We even played a game answering questions about the first days passage (it was based on Sunday's Gospel reading) the kids earned chocolate chips for each right answer. I think they might have even had fun...maybe.

We still don't have a tree, my advent calendar I wanted to make is still not done, and I have only a few presents made for Dan's Family Christmas Party. The littlest girls are done, and the youngest boy. The two middle boys should be done this week, then its simple stuff for the older Roy kids (a scarf and some caramel popcorn). Because things are so very tight this year financially (Dan had to get a second job) Everyone is getting homemade gifts. There are some who will not appreciate it, some who never say thank you, and some who seems grateful.
But I won't let it bother me. I made some baby steps this season for all of my family. My Dear Friend Michelle has an advent link up and so I am joining her.
I made a list of HOW I want to implement a better advent season at my house..baby steps right

I will enjoy my kids.
I will take 15 minutes Each day to sit quietly and talk to God. Not complain but Thank
I will make a list of what I love about each child and place it in their stocking for Christmas Eve.
Before I Freak Out I will count to 10 and ask if it is really worth it.