Friday, November 23, 2012

Time To Write

I should be happy. I have a wonderful family. I have a loving husband. Everyone is healthy. I should just count my blessings. I need to just get over it. Give it time. It could always be worse...

I have heard it all

I've lived with depression on and off since I was a little kid. I can remember that black hole feeling as early as 6 or 7 years old. It sounds crazy I know. You probably know more people than you think that are in the same boat. Friends that stop calling you or stop leaving the house. Sometimes they change in ways that don't make sense to anyone. They may even still smile, but it never makes it up their face to their eyes. there are so many of us , silent, hiding, and pretending it's ok.

from web MD  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

~it's been a while since I have written. I feel like this needs to be out there.I have fought this my entire life and I have learned there just aren't any easy answers. There are no magic bullets that pull me out of this funk. I also have Seasonal Depression (also known as SAD, how fitting) so this time of  year is hard already.
Usually I can keep things together enough to zombie my way through my day and function in a way that no one really notices. Over the years the depression has increased my anxiety which has in turn created a monster OCD issue.  I know I see things no one else will notice but those little things make me feel crazy. This time it is as bad as it has ever been.My family needs me, so I function, sort-of. I can't ever die because then, what happens to Sam? It scares me when I feel like this. Daniel knows I am struggling and he is trying so hard. It just isn't something that can simply be fixed. Add to this being pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. I feel like I wake up every day in foggy tunnel. I don't want to get out of bed, I just don't want to do anything, even the things I love to write.Writing was my release, it was cathartic, calming and joyful. Now nothing is. I find myself often thinking "I should be so happy about this" but I am not. I just feel kind of ...numb
I know medication is an option. I know it works. But I also know that I took that route once, when I was pregnant with Sammy. I also know that 5 years later a study came out linking the antidepressant I took with autism. I know plenty of people have taken the same med without the same result. I know I have to do SOMETHING. I just can't...
I am not writing this for sympathy or anything of the sort. I know I am not alone, and this time of year can be hard for lots of people. I hope that by writing this, by putting this out in front, those of you in the same spot and feeling alone will know that you are NOT in fact alone.
Mental health can be such a taboo subject for so many. People believe we are just weak minded, self centered, or looking for attention. This is real, it hurts, and it sucks. So if you're reading this and your struggling, I want you to know you aren't alone... not for one second.