Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fingerprints on the Window

 We all see it. Our own messy places that scream out to us every second of the day that somehow we aren't good enough. Those  fingerprints, peeling paint, wall scribbles, smudges, and drips that we all have if you look hard enough. We don't often notice other peoples drips , spills, and messes though do we? I know I don't.
 My own though, cannot be silenced.

I could list the things I fail at daily. The list would be so long that most would loose interest before getting halfway through.

Why do we , as women, compare ourselves so much to those around us? Those messy spaces we have are not unique to us. Everyone has them... don't they?
I often catch myself in my mind watching families wishing I had just a little more of what they have. The "put together"  or the "well behaved"  scream to me, not they are doing a great job, but that I somehow am failing.

I struggle with this a lot.

I work hard to remember that I too am a child of God, and that he loves me. He called me to serve and be where I am. I am not here by accident but purposefully and by his design. Simply put.
My life, exactly the way it is, is not a mistake. Even my drips, spills, and fingerprints.

So my house isn't magazine clean, and my laundry pile may eat me if I don't get to it tomorrow. I may have a ton of gray hairs, and wrinkles on my forehead. I may be selfish, and angry, and bad at empathy. But...
I have amazing children who did not get that way by accident. Yes, thankfully God makes up the difference between where I am and where he is.  I am not perfect, but I am good enough.

I don't know the eyes in which my children see me, but I do know the eyes through which I see them.
I need to be as kind with myself as I am with everyone else.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Forever and a Day

It has been forever since I have been to this space. I miss pouring my thoughts out here.

So much has been going on in my house.

We are expecting another baby! I have had a tough time adjusting to this both physically and emotionally. It was unexpected and though not unwelcome, a little hard to digest at first.

But I remember being pregnant with Evangeline. I felt like my world was caving in around me. I was heart broken  and miserable. I am sure some of the issue was hormones, but some was just me.

I was fighting against God's plan for me. I was fighting against what people thought about us. I was fighting against finances, and energy, and capability. I was fighting against myself.

At one point I considered adoption for Evangeline. I seriously debated the option of giving her away. No one seemed happy for us (except our church family) I was bombarded daily with people that made rude comments when they saw me out with the children. It weighed on me.

... and then I held her...

Everything changed.

It was one of the hardest times for me in the last few years. I just couldn't see my way out of it.

Evangeline is such a joy to raise. She snuggles close with her face against mine, just to be close to me. She can often be found simply sitting beside me, snuggled close with her thumb in her mouth and her hand on my ear. Unless of course Nathaniel is close by, then she prefers his ears. ( he has ears like velvet, almost like they don't have any cartilage)

So this time. I have some major perspective. I know that no matter how freaked out I am right now. I will never regret having this baby. Because, once I hold him / her in my arms it will all be fine. What people say won't matter. It will be my arms filled with a soft, warm, squishy, and perfect baby.

I am not 16 anymore. I am a married woman doing exactly what God and my Faith ask me to do. He has this under control. I am just along for the ride.