Monday, October 20, 2014

Forever and a Day

It has been forever since I have been to this space. I miss pouring my thoughts out here.

So much has been going on in my house.

We are expecting another baby! I have had a tough time adjusting to this both physically and emotionally. It was unexpected and though not unwelcome, a little hard to digest at first.

But I remember being pregnant with Evangeline. I felt like my world was caving in around me. I was heart broken  and miserable. I am sure some of the issue was hormones, but some was just me.

I was fighting against God's plan for me. I was fighting against what people thought about us. I was fighting against finances, and energy, and capability. I was fighting against myself.

At one point I considered adoption for Evangeline. I seriously debated the option of giving her away. No one seemed happy for us (except our church family) I was bombarded daily with people that made rude comments when they saw me out with the children. It weighed on me.

... and then I held her...

Everything changed.

It was one of the hardest times for me in the last few years. I just couldn't see my way out of it.

Evangeline is such a joy to raise. She snuggles close with her face against mine, just to be close to me. She can often be found simply sitting beside me, snuggled close with her thumb in her mouth and her hand on my ear. Unless of course Nathaniel is close by, then she prefers his ears. ( he has ears like velvet, almost like they don't have any cartilage)

So this time. I have some major perspective. I know that no matter how freaked out I am right now. I will never regret having this baby. Because, once I hold him / her in my arms it will all be fine. What people say won't matter. It will be my arms filled with a soft, warm, squishy, and perfect baby.

I am not 16 anymore. I am a married woman doing exactly what God and my Faith ask me to do. He has this under control. I am just along for the ride.