Who I am not...

I may not be your idea of perfection.
    I am more lumpy then I used to be. My hair holds more silver in some places than the deep dark brown of my childhood. I may not wear name brand clothes or shoes, or be thin and fit and in style.

I may not be your idea of the perfect family with all our rowdy, excitable, full of life and sometimes unruly children. You may not agree with the way that I parent. You may not agree with my Catholic Faith or my very firm Pro-life beliefs.

Guess what.
I don' really care because it isn't about you anymore. Years ago it might have been. The whisperers in the store, the sideways glances, the raised eyebrows. It was just so foreign to me to see the judgement on people's faces or hear about their whispers behind my back. I was never raised that way.

I am finally at the point where I feel happy with who I am because I stopped looking through your eyes. I still have my moments when the tears burn hotter than a coal from the fireplace. I still have moments when I too wish I had that perfect house, perfect car, and perfect family appearance. There are times when I long for easy and simple.

But I made a choice years ago to trust God completely with our family in every way. Not too long ago in a moment born of sheer frustration and fear and anxiety I caught a glimpse of myself through my children's eyes. It broke my heart.

I was angry. I was trying to force them to be something that none of us are because I was still looking through your eyes. The eyes of the judgmental that don't understand who we really are. I saw our family through eyes of outside, unloving, unfair, and unkind judgement. My children deserve more than that from me.

Because I love them. Because I have been blessed with their keeping.
Because I started seeing myself through the eyes of my babies.

To them I am soft and warm. I am the arms that hold them and snuggle them to sleep. To them I am nourishment, love, peace, and hope. To them, I am the eyes they will see the future through. To my babies (even the older ones) I am home, I am their refuge. My unconditional love helps me to teach them about God's unconditional and unwavering love.

So I am done fighting your idea of who we SHOULD be.
The only judgments I am concerned about are God's alone.

No Click

I keep forgetting to grab my camera when I go out. So many missed opportunities for great pictures. I haven't posted much because things have been a little more up in the air here than usual. We have some house guests and while they have been wonderful, it's still a change.

We have had lots of fun too!

We had a pool party! A friend of ours from church invited the entire family over to play in the pool. Remember when Sam was afraid of the water?  He isn't anymore! In fact he has been difficult to get out of the water. He even went in without a giant life vest! This is the THIRD time in 2 weeks he has gone in a pool and enjoyed himself.

Some of the kids and I went off to a farm and learned about carrots. yes, carrots. We had a blast!

Then we all went to a playground with everyone but Tyler. I gave some of the kids a great lesson in what boogers are made of. It was a homeschool group meet up and it was a blast. The kids ran until they were ready to fall over. The information about the meeting talked about a big red slide. I thought , OK a big slide. I saw what I thought they were talking about and didn't think much of it.

Then I looked over at Samuel and Nate running for the break in the trees. I squinted a bit and notices stairs... and THIS

They weren't kidding about the slide. It was GINOURMOUS! The kids were using cardboard to make themselves go even faster! We enjoyed food and some great people.

Our house guests had their kids visit yesterday and sleep over (8 kids in one place) and it was great. I do enjoy all the different personalities.

Today I did laundry to make up for playing hookey all day yesterday.

Anyone want to help me put it all away?

ESY fail

Sammy's bus picks him up at 8 and on Tuesday (day 2 of ESY) I woke up late. Guess what time? Yup 8am. It was certainly a gift that everyone slept in but not so great that he missed his bus on a day we were going to a party at the beach. He decided he certainly wanted to go to school and got in the car but by the time we were ready there wasn't much time left for program so I kept him home and off he the beach we went. We had a magical time together. Sam made friends and so
it was a fail for me but a total WIN for Sammy

ESY~ starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow Sam starts his ESY program. I am so excited for him... and me.
It's been a rough week. Sam has decided it's fun to do the exact opposite of everything I say right now. It's infuriating to say the very least. We have a lot going on right now and i think that might be part of it. The change in routine and everything else may just be too much for him.

I am at a loss as to how to handle it.
I welcome your suggestions!

Rainy Day Anyway

We dropped the ball for Nate this year and didn't plan a birthday party in May, it was instead at the end of June (a month late). I planned it with his kindergarten graduation party. The day was simply designed to help him feel special. he is sometimes lost in the shuffle. Evie is the baby, Grace is the first girl, Sam is special needs... and then there is Nate.

Nate can be hard to take for some. He comes across as a strong willed child that doesn't care to listen. In fact he is a very excitable, enthusiastic child who needs a little extra time to process. He is super sensitive and  he can be very head strong. He has a wonderful personality once you get to know him. I really enjoy our days together. He can be such a ray of sunshine.

 We invited his friends from last years HS co-op play group. I love these people. They see Nate as the wonderful boy he is, they enjoy his company, and they don't judge his behavior by the same standard other people often do. The see his drive to explore as a wonderful thing and it makes my heart happy. It makes me less stressed and helps to show me he isn't actually being naughty a lot of the time. Nate can totally be himself. There are only a handful of people outside of this group that don't judge Nate,(or me) and we adore spending days with them too!

The day started out drizzly but I figured the rain would stop. We got there (the local beach) and we set up. It down poured and we all huddled under the pop up cover.

The kids were wet and cold and not happy. It looked like it was going to be a short party and that made so sad for Nate.

We hurried up and did his cake so we could let people leave without being sad. Some of the kids just played in the big water puddle beside our table. I took a second to ask God to please help me to make sure Nate wasn't disappointed.

Suddenly the rain stopped and though the sun wasn't out the kids were less miserable. We decided to go check out the ocean waves.

There was a big piddle near the beach entrance and the kids were thrilled with it!. They played in the puddle, played on the beach, and jumped the waves. The Sun ended up coming out and it turned out to be the best party ever for Nate and was exactly what I had hoped for him.

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