Sunday, September 15, 2013

You Cannot Possibly Understand

Until you walk in my shoes, you cannot possibly understand the way this feels.

The way it feels when your 9 year old child throws Legos at you and screams that you are a moron. When he hits you while you are holding his baby sister. How it feels when his behavior escalates the closer we get to a school day, and how bad it is when he walks in the door.

Because at school, he behaves. At school, he is calm, quiet and engaged. Because around the rest of the world he hides it. Because, he doesn't believe people will accept him just as he is or because he thinks he is damaged. People, even the ones who get it, don't see it.

Sometimes I don't see it. But those moments are spent waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Since returning to school Sam has had a major behavior every single day. Since returning to school we have had to restrain him to keep him safe on 4 separate occasions. for the first time in 3 years he is hitting me again. I have bruises from my nine year old son.

My heart is breaking.
Until you walk in these shoes you cannot possibly understand what it's like to watch your son get in the car, still in his pajamas, to go to the crisis center.

I am broken, frightened, angry, and so very tired.

The kind of tired that sits in your bones and wraps around you like an old grey sweater. The kind of tired that is just like your shadow... everywhere you go.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What If...

What if I removed the label? What if the word autism stopped being used in our house at all? What if he was simply just Sammy? What if I pulled him from school and his diagnosis no longer mattered? What if I changed the way we do things? What if I ripped off the labels placed on him so many years ago and started over? Would it change who he is, was, or will be? Does it change anything other than the way we look at him? Would it ease his heart? What if Sam was no longer autistic simply because I chose to never use the label again?
What if he just went back to being Sammy?
Would it be so bad?