Counting

I pretty much got sideswiped by November. We lost 3 cars in 4 weeks, I learned I have multiple disks bulging into my spinal cord, I got a severe breast infection complete with cellulitis and abscess, and we got hit with some financial crappiness. Seriously November was terrible!

But it's December now. It's Christmas time and while huge part of me want to cry in my cornflakes and pout about all the crap that I have been handed, I refuse to.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. My life is awesome because I woke up today.I may be home bound right now and I may have to rely on other people right now. But, I am blessed to have those people.

The person who stole our van also wrote themselves a check. Our mortgage was refused due to ISF. That all got fixed right away and for that I am grateful.

The person who stole our van took our children's car seats including a beautiful britax seat. That was all fixed right away as well and Evie doesn't hate her new seat as much. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also took my 6 wrap, my ergo, and my meitai wrap- my three favorites for out of the house baby wearing. A stranger to me sent us a beautiful 6 wrap in colors that make me feel happy and safe and comforted. A complete stranger sent me a beautiful Tula in the same print I had been drooling over forever. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also stole Grace's stroller. A friend made time to send her DH up with one for us. I got to visit with a delicious little two year old with the best cheeks ever. I am grateful.

My church, my friends, strangers, and even people in our family have pulled together to fix this. For the first time in a long time I feel loved by some people I really thought didn't care and I am reminded how loved we are by these people who are in our lives. People that just made an effort to let me know they are thinking about us, praying for us, loving us, even from afar. I am grateful.

It made me think again about God.
Time and time again I have been questioned about faith. "how can your God make this happen"
I do not believe that God placed me here, but it was allowed to happen for a reason. Those reason may be about me, my kids, my husband, or anyone in our circle. I don't know why. But I do know this...

It is all for his Glory. It is through his fire I am refined. That thought and the support of a few really amazing people I get p and I keep focused. It is that thought that keeps me from delving into an OCD nightmare. I can feel it looming one false step it will take me down. I do not doubt it.

But I have faith.
He gave his only son for me. I got this. Because compared to that , what I got isn't even close,
My kids weren't in the van. My kids are healthy. My MMIL is also healthy (praise God). I have an amazing husband, parish, and God. Everything is under control.

To the person who took our van and cashed that check.
I don't know what you are feeling or thinking. I don't know if you still have our van. Please know that I am asking everyone to say a prayer for you too. That you see how much you are worth in God's eyes. That you know the kind of outpouring of love I have seen since you took our van. I pray for you every time I pray for me. Because you can strip me of my possessions, my money, my sense of safety, and my sense of peace for a moment. But nothing you can do can make me stop loving and praying for you. Because God loves me even when I screw up ( and trust me have I ever screwed up) and he loves you too. You don't have to believe the wind exists to feel it and even when you can't see it, it is still there.

3 days

Our van was stolen Early Sunday morning. Change is hard for those of us that aren't on the spectrum. Add to that the rigid thinking and you have disaster. Every ounce of me wants to hide under a rock and pretend the world around me is gone.

I am beside myself.

My husband made the distinction that at least we are not Job from the bible. He is right of course. It could be so very much worse. For those of you not familiar with the story of Job. his entire life crumbles around him. He looses everything. Including his children.

Yes even his children.

We have lost a lot this past year but this past year I can say I have been more focused on God than ever before. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I am listening.

The story of Job has been on my mind since the day the van was taken. I remember it's really just "stuff" it can be replaced. We all still have each other.

Then last night Grace climbed on Tyler's bunk bed and fell off, on her head.
My first thought was " this is it, this is where the shit gets real. Please God"

She is fine. By the grace of God she fell on a down comforter and it broke her fall like an air bag.
I have never been more grateful that my son's room is a mess than I was last night. As I watch Nate, Grace, and Evangeline all playing together on the floor beside me I am once again humbled and blessed.

We got some fantastic news yesterday as well. Praise God!

To the person who took our van,
I don't know why you would do such a thing. I do know that everyone makes bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes. There is no mistake you cannot be forgiven for. It's just a van. I pray no one was hurt during this. We are praying that you have a sudden change of heart and let someone know where our van is. We, as a family, will continue to pray for you. I pray this was a sudden and single case of bad judgement on your part. If not and you are having substance problems or you need something. There is help for you. I will personally help you if I can. Know that no matter how many mistakes you make You are STILL LOVED and in my prayers.

It is through your fire Lord I am refined.