Nap Time

The days are long and the evenings seem to last forever. I find myself counting down the minutes until I have some free time after all the kids go to sleep. Since starting our ticket for TV program Sam goes to bed , in his bed, alone. After all it's worth 2 tickets.  Nate is out cold the second his head hits the pillow and grace is often right behind him.
It isn't much but it's better than nothing.

I realized today how grateful I am for nap time. Grace falls asleep, Nate gets a T.V. show, and I get to relax for an hour. Grace likes to nap next to me so catching up on housework isn't really an option. I could put her somewhere else but I don't really want to. It won't be long before Squish is here taking up my time as weell as my arms. I am choosing to enjoy each moment of this right now.
It goes by so fast

Isolated

I have been feeling pretty isolated lately. Sam and Nate are at each others throats every time I take them anywhere , so leaving the house with everyone just isn't an option really. My teens have been sulky and have not wanted to help much lately. I am 35+ weeks pregnant and feeling very stressed. Grace has been super clingy as well. My house is a mess because I just cant get it done anymore. Dan is stressed trying to work two jobs, so I can't really talk to him about anything , because well, he has enough to deal with on his own right now.

I feel isolated, alone, and frustrated. I hate feeling this way. Its hard for me to do bedtime, dinner clean up, next day prep, homework with Sammy, nurse grace to bed, and write. That's a good day. Add to that behaviors for Sammy, wrestling matches, practice, Nate, Sam and Grace missing daddy and it's a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my time is spend worrying about everyone but me. It makes me feel like I am completely isolated , which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel selfish, which makes me feel guilty.

It's hard to give 100% all the time, even when you don't want to. I acknowledge that this is what I have chosen for my life and as a result I need to suck it up and just keep going. I just can't figure out how I am going to be able to keep my head down and push forward when Squish gets here. I have to find time to make some freezer meals, find a place for another baby dresser, and get everything all set for when I am in the hospital having baby.


It's times like this that all I have to lean back on is my faith. I truly believe that as crappy as things are right now, it will get better and it will be OK.  I am so grateful that I am able to hold fast to the help and love of Jesus through all of this, because if I didn't have that, I likely wouldn't be here. It would have ended many years ago at Jones Beach. If it weren't for my faith , the love of God, an angel, and a miracle, I wouldn't be here writing. Sam, Nate, Grace, and Squish would not be here.

I am just grateful tonight that no matter how dark it gets right now, it will never be as dark as that afternoon on Jones Beach.

this

Good Choices

 Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade and it is no secret that we are very firmly pro life  in every way. 

I can understand the difficult decisions many women face and I don't judge those women in  any way. I feel sad that they were ever in that position. 18 Years ago I found myself in that very position. I was going to start my senior year of high school, I wasn't even 17 yet. I knew a few girls that had gotten abortions in my class. I thought about it for a split second, but I knew it was a baby and I knew I couldn't do it

All these years later I have an amazing boy that is going to very soon be an adult because I chose to have him.

It was the hardest choice I have ever made. It changed the trajectory of my entire life. It hasn't been easy . It has often been unpleasant and brutal and more difficult than I could have ever imagined. 

However, the rewards have been even greater. My son is an amazing kid. I am so unbelievably proud of him and I KNOW without any doubt that I made the right choice. I may not have been able to go to college like I had planned , or join the air force, or even just gone to a graduation party like everyone else my age. But this surpasses all of that in ways you can't possibly imagine. 

Fluffy

I have a teeny tiny obsession. No really teeny tiny... and fluffy. No it isn't a kitten or puppy . It's fluffy baby diapers. I love cloth diapers.

 I received a bunch of them for Squish this weekend and a gift certificate to buy more. I have spent hours trolling through the site trying to decide what to get Squish. I am beyond thrilled. I can barely stand it. My mom even made me the most adorable diaper cake, but instead of all the paper baby diapers it was made with cloth prefolds. super cute.

I didn't get any pictured of the party so I hope someone did. I am in fluffy heaven.

family

I am blessed to have an incredible family. They understand my crazy and love me anyway.

Another Day

Sometimes the only thing you can be grateful for is that the day is over and tomorrow you can try again...

until then. God willing

Enough

I feel defeated. Sam has been extremely difficult to deal with.He is belligerent for hours on end and he just sits there spewing his garbage at me constantly  Its a barrage of trash talk and it really wears on a person. I work really hard to be positive. Dan is never home so I have zero back up and when he is home he is so tired I  still don't really have back up. I am just spent right now in ways that you can't even imagine unless you have a child like Sam. It's getting to the point where it's hard to like him and that breaks my heart. I love that boy more than anything, but it is really hard to like someone that tells you you're stupid and that they hate you 10,000 times a day. Every request that is made of him lately is met with "you're not the boss of me, you're the boss of you, and I am the boss of me stupid" I know most of that (minus the stupid) is just a script he learned at school to help teach him not to try to control friends choices, but someone missed something with him on it. This isn't your typical autistic meltdown of *I can't handle what is going on right now so I freak out" this is more *how hurtful can I be towards the people around me, even though I know it's wrong*
He is completely aware that what he is saying and doing is not OK. He knows it is hurtful. He just doesn't care

I am just tired and spent and I feel so isolated and alone right now. I know it will get better. I know this is part of the deal. I know that  holding on to our behavior plans and being consistent are the key. Is it so bad for me to wish it wasn't so damn hard all the time? To just wish we didn't have to struggle and fight our way through this every.single.day?

I try not to personify and vilify autism as something bad because it's part of my kid. It's just part of what makes him who he is.But just for today, just for this moment, I really wish I could punch autism in the face.
I know if it's coming out this way from him, it must be worse on the inside. It's impossible to see your kid hurt and not feel broken inside too.
For today I have had enough

Teenagers

Aj and Sam were home today because our school district had an in service day. Sam has not been easy to manage lately and it is really hard to handle him myself. I was frustrated and stressed out and so very tired. 

AJ cleaned the entire kitchen for me, spic and span  and completely spotless! He volunteered to watch the boys for me and Grace while I napped, and helped me put away laundry.

These days people are often complaining about their teenagers and how miserable they are. I am pretty blessed to have great teens.  

Friends who Pray

January 17, 2013

I am stressed and frustrated. Nesting has taken over and it is making me nutty. Add the stress of not being able to move around because of hip pain, Dan having to work constantly, depression, OCD , and the stress of knowing CPS could show up any day now. I am a mess.

Sam is too. His anxiety has skyrocketed again, as it always seems to this time of year. He is struggling with friends at school, family at home, and just life in general.

http://stickfiguresclipart.com/peoplestickfigures/stick-people-clip-art-3/

I have a few very close and very dear friends that have been praying for us and just knowing that makes such a difference. I am so glad to have friends that love me enough to spend a moment thinking about me, when I am quite certain they have other things to worry about. I hope they know what blessings they are to me. It's such a privileged to know them.

Fairhaven Police

January 16, 2013

My darling boy Nate left the house this afternoon. He didn't say a word to anyone. He came in and said the police wanted to speak with me. Apparently my darling boy decided to get Sammy at the bus stop...alone. We have been talking lately about how important it is to help Sammy  and set a good example. I think he really felt he was helping.
I had the police speak to him and he was mortified. He told me he was sorry and hugged me. I am still shocked it happened. I am so grateful for the FPD for making sure my boy was safe. Thankfully we live in a very quiet area, with wonderful families. I am pretty sure if the PD hadn't brought him home one of the neighbors would have. It's scary because anything could have happened. The PD was great about it but I don't doubt a meeting with the Department of Social Services is in my future. I assume it must be protocol. I don't have anything to hide, but I have baggage.

Dance Parties

January 15, 2013
 Some days just suck. So, we just have to find a silver lining...

and here it is

Routine Routine Routine and "the Pants"

January 14, 2013

Even for Holidays Sam wears "the pants"

Anyone who has any real contact with kids like Sam knows routine is the key to success. We use to have terrible mornings and it took me until the end of last year to get it. I gave up on socks and underwear (only after I was assured there is no medical reason for them) I went and got him clothes he would absolutely wear and let go of everything he fought me on. I followed the same exact routine everyday.

1. Call him from my room. Seeing me the second he opens his eyes is apparently too much. I can only say "Sam time to wake up buddy" It has to be what he calls my watery voice (softly said , high tone, sing song sort of thing)

2. I must give him about 5 minutes. Despite having a clock in his room he hasn't gotten the concept yet so I can use the wiggle room here.

3. Go in, remind him its time to get up  in my watery voice and rub his back. kiss his nose, just his nose and remind him he has clothes in his organizer. Sam will ask what is for breakfast. Sam will ask what specialty is for today. Sam will ask if it is raining.

4. He will strip off his jams and go pee. We are working on this step.Sam will ask what is for breakfast. Sam will ask what specialty is for today. Sam will ask if it is raining.

5. Sam gets dressed. If it's a gym day he only wears his blue pants. If it's art or music he will wear the red or black pairs.Sam will ask what is for breakfast. Sam will ask what specialty is for today. Sam will ask if it is raining.

6. Breakfast.

7.  Shoes. Only slip on, only black, no socks. They must be under the bench or Sam will be upset.

8. Backpack. Check lunch. Sam will ask what is for lunch. Sam will ask what specialty is for today. Sam will ask if it is raining.

9. Coat. and ready to go.  Sam will ask what is for lunch. Sam will ask what specialty is for today. Sam will ask if it is raining.

10. Sam runs ahead of me to the bus stop. He crosses in front of me at the corner and runs to the next corner. He waits for his bus.

Today I screwed up. His pants were in the dryer still since he needed the blue ones (gym day) nothing else would do. They would have been all set but the dryer never actually got turned on. I gave him his oatmeal and went to get the pants. I had to fold the entire laundry load (Sam isn't the only one in this house who follows a routine) I came back up and sam hadn't eaten a single bite. His reason.

"Breakfast is for after pants mom."
 We almost missed the bus. Maybe we need to work on flexibility?

Thrift

January 13, 2013

Today is the thirteenth. I love that number. I was born on a 13 and so was my second boy! It's always been super lucky for me so No fear there at all.

I  went grocery shopping in under an hour (it was crazy in Market Basket)My family will eat this week 3 meals and 2 snacks each day for under 100$. I spent my day setting things up for the week. I baked a bunch of stuff for Sammy's snacks for the week.  I packaged my Bone broth I made in gallon freezer bags (with help from AJ). I made dinner. I made a menu. I am so glad that I have the ability to do this for my family. My husband works so hard to make ends meet, I feel bad sometimes. This is my contribution to our house.

I don't want the kids to ever feel like they miss out on things simply because we don't have a ton of money. So I make it work.

I make my own bread (thank you MMIL for the bread maker)
I make all of our snacks, cookies, cakes, and treats.
I reuse what I can.
I cook in bulk to save me time and energy.
We don't eat a ton of meat in our house. I Love it, don't get me wrong but I think as Americans we tend to go overboard on that stuff.
No one complains really. Though I would really love a good thick juicy steak sometimes.

I work hard to be as thrifty as I am and I really feel like it is one of the gifts God has given me. It makes me feel blessed to be able to bless my family like this.

Larger Screen

January 12, 2013

We have a bigger TV now. It was given to us by family that we adore. It's giant and Sam can't seem to stop touching it. He can't wait to play minecraft on it. If only he could keep himself together long enough to earn the darn Minecraft time. Tomorrow is yet another day and I am hoping it's a good one. Dan has to work all day so it's me and the kids. Wish us luck

Knowing You

January 11, 2013

I am so glad I know you the way I do.

I can watch those storm clouds roll over your face as the internal countdown begins to explosion  Sometimes I catch it soon enough to head it off at the pass. Sometimes I don't.
It's been as bad as ever and it hurts my heart. I see how hard you struggle and how much work just the little things can be for you. I know this life isn't easy for you. I know that you work harder than I can imagine. I know still waters run deep and there must be so much inside your head that I just can't reach.
It hurts me to see you struggle with disappointments and unexpected changes.

But moments like this afternoon when I asked you to dance in the kitchen are worth it. When you wrap your arms around me and hum just a few notes as you rock with me. You told me you loved me like a banana. I haven't hear that in so long. God must have known how badly I needed it from you after the week we had. You asked me for a cookie, I always give you three but today I gave you four. You smiled at me, eyes sparkling, and said "You gave me four, it's because you love me!" you hugged me again and ran off to nibble your cookies. I just soaked in the moment, because it is always gone too quickly.

Humble

January 10, 2013

I woke up and came downstairs today to a sink full of dishes and a full dishwasher. A clear sign my oldest boy had chosen to skip his chores. It's a known pet peeve of mine and it took everything I had to not come unglued. I may or may not have even burst into tears at least once, to which Grace responded by kissing me.

Sam has been spewing negativity in wild tangents that go on for 15-20 minutes at a time. It really wears on you after while.

II have been listening to my Dale Thomas CD and so all morning I kept hearing "it's your choice" in my head. Now I am not so sure of how much is really my choice and how much is simple bio chemistry that creates OCD. I took a bunch of deep breaths and relaxed and decided to just start at the beginning and go from there. I got the kitchen cleaned up and finally had my cup of coffee at 10am.  Needless to say it wasn't the best morning.

I didn't feel very blessed. I just felt tired and frustrated. I felt like once again I came up short because I should be able to somehow do it all, even 8 months pregnant. I somehow have this ridiculous idea that I should be Donna Reed. Grace was cranky and I was edgy and I kept trying to make the choice to keep it together and count my blessings.
I didn't want to write about feeling gratitude or feeling blessed. I wanted to wallow.

then I saw THIS post on Facebook and my perspective changed. Here I was feeling sorry for myself over a sink full of dishes and a facebook friend had lost her son. Her 8 year old son. He suffered through debilitating pain and illness for way longer than anyone should ever have to, never mind a child.

So today I am grateful that I can hug and kiss all my kids even when they don't do their chores, Even when they leave their stuff on the floor, Even when they roll their eyes and talk back because my kids are all still here.  We all know it can change in a moment.

If you can, take a moment and say a prayer for Kyle's family.

Concussed

January 9, 2013

Our oldest boy wrestles and I know I have mentioned before how very good at it he is. It's a rough sport for sure and injuries happen. We knew that going in.

Tyler is an Aspie and has learned a ton of great social coping skills  to the point where most people have no idea. He hides behind humor and silliness and it is one of the MANY things I love about that boy. As my oldest son we have a special kind of bond and we are very close. Ty tells me just about everything and he comes to me for advice. He is 17 and such a blessing to our family. He connects with Sammy in a way no one else can. My two spectrum boys really do get each other.

Tyler was at a meet this weekend and was dumped on his head, hard. He was rushed to the local hospital on a spine board complete with a neck brace. The trainer began to tell him they thought he might have broken his neck. I wasn't there, the meet was 2.5 hours away and Dan had to work. He must have been terrified.

But he is OK. He does have a concussion and he is off the mat for AT LEAST 14 days post headache, but he should be able to wrestle for sectionals. Right now we just want to protect him enough to get him there. Last year he broke his collar bone 2 weeks before sectionals and it ended his most promising season. He won't allow that to happen again and he is terrified it will.

I am so grateful for his coaches that make sure the kids are safe. We have an incredible staff and they all love the kids. Tyler has learned so much on the mat. One of the coaches is now Sam's coach too.

Someone asked how I can watch Tyler wrestle. It's simple. When your child has a passion for something, you watch. You endure crazy early morning rides to Dighton, PB&J for lunch each Saturday, cold toes, and aching backs from bleachers. You go and scream yourself hoarse, call out moves, and pray at the sidelines, because when your child has a passion, you support it even when you don't want to. This is the last sport I would have picked, but Tyler picked it and he excels at it. So I support him in any way I can.

I am blessed he wasn't seriously hurt  and that he can finish out his season chasing his dream and fulfilling his passion.

Snate

January 8, 2013

Nate is 5 and an absolute handful.  We often find ourselves calling his name  for one reason or another. We have been so use to calling after Sam that automatically we would start calling Sammy and switch to Nate. Nate then became ..Snate.

If he weren't so social, engaged, and articulate I would swear he was a spectrum kid too. He doesn't have any kind of diagnosis as far as anyone is concerned and to be honest I am not sure I am interested in one. He learned a lot from Sam, both good and bad. Now he is teaching Sam.

 Nate will often sit in the car and try to engage Sammy in conversation. He will ask about his day, his friends, his school work, even his lunch. Sam offers one, maybe 2 word answers but it never deters Nate. In fact Nate has taught Sam how to build Lego projects and follow the directions. Nate has showed Sam how much fun it can be to build cities, and create stories.

The fight like puppies and the cuddle up now and then. I am so blessed to have a ray of sunshine like Nathaniel. Some days (like today) he is just difficult too. He has those days where he just doesn't want to listen, just can't get himself together, and is all over the place. No matter how is day goes he cuddles up to me at night before bed, tells me he loves me and falls asleep beside me.

My Husband Rocks

January 7, 2013

It's been a long week back for the kids, which translates to a difficult week for me at home with them. My husband didn't feel well Friday morning and as a result didn't go into his first job. By all rights he should have been allowed to stay in bed. I was having a bad morning between some of the bigs' chores not being done, the trash ignored and overflowing,someone finishing the little ones milk, and not having any pants that fit. It all came together when I found a giant glass of coffee milk(where the littles' milk went) in my fridge by spilling it all over everything in the fridge, the floor , and my ONLY clean fitting shirt. I lost it and burst into tears. Daniel , being the wonderful husband he is, cleaned it up for me and let me go back to sleep for a bit, since the three littlest had a rough night.

We went to my midwife apt and listened to Squish's yummy sweet heartbeat (that sound never does get old). We had lunch together and My wonder hubby again let me just chill out and enjoy my meal.Grace took her nap and so did I... again.  Some husbands may have complained, but not my amazing man. He really takes amazing care of all of us and is by far one of the most solid people in my life. I know he is always on my side. He is an incredible father, friend, and husband.

He is absolutely my Prince Charming

and to top it off I think he is damn cute!

How can I

January 6, 2013

How can I feel anything but blessed with these silly little beans in my life?

A Wink

January 5,2013

You ever have one of those moments that convince you God is just giving you a hug? A friend of mine calls them God Winks. I was so down Thursday night all I wanted to do was cry. I was tired, anxious, spent, and just done. I was tired just thinking about the next day being nothing but the same....

then I heard this.

The Choice

January 4,2013



This is absolutely the last post I want to write today. Sam had a rough day yesterday at school, came home and things got tougher. By 6pm I had practically carried Sam up the stairs to his room for him to calm down. Normally no big deal but I am very pregnant. Grace has been a giant ball of clingy mommy neediness, Nate was full throttle all day long. My house was a mess and family stopped in unexpectedly to visit. I of course was mortified because my house truly looked as though a bomb had gone off.

What I want to write about is how fed up I am. How I spent most of the day and night beating myself up for being a failure.What I want to write is not what I am going to write.

I am making a CHOICE

Wednesday night my son's school hosted an amazing speaker. Dale Thomas, a spunky blonde with a southern drawl reminded me of something I had read and heard a dozen times. EVERYTHING is in my control and I am the only one who can CHOOSE how I handle it. She challenged me to wake up and say "good morning gorgeous" to myself.

So when Nate began acting like a child overdosing on pixi sticks, I made a CHOICE to turn on the music and dance with him.

When grace started crying for the bazilionth time, I made a CHOICE to dance around the room with her.

When Sam threw a fit and I had to bring him upstairs, I made a CHOICE to walk away , count to 100, and try again.

When family showed up, I CHOSE to smile and enjoy the company of two amazing people and not worry about how my house looked to them.
 I did not choose to stomp my feet and pout and cry... oh I came so close> There was no part of me that felt blessed. I was hopping mad, but every word Dale shared on Wednesday was still bouncing in my head.

"IT's YOUR CHOICE"

I would not have chosen a child with autism if I had been asked, but it's clear God did. The path of my life that lead to Sammy makes it's obvious to me, Sam was part of my big plan. I have learned so much from that fluffy headed child and I don't presume to know the plan of My Lord, but it gives me peace to think this way. I don't believe that God causes hurt and pain, that is just a side effect of being human. I do not belive that my son having autism is a horrific thing...it isn't cancer, it isn't death. I can still hug him even on a bad day. I do believe that it is all possible for his Glory. I CHOOSE to focus on that.

A Princess

January 3, 2013

I am so grateful for Grace. She is such a wonderful blessing for all of us. She is the only one who can make Sam stop short of a meltdown. He loves her with a ferocious intensity. She bubbles out sunshine and joy everywhere she goes. She adores Sam and really looks to make him happy.  He lights up around her!

We started calling Sam the baby whisperer when Grace was little because when she cried Sam would hold her hand and sing. It worked every single time. I never thought Sam was capable of such an intense connection, until we had Grace.

Back To School

January 2, 2013

I am SO Grateful Sam is back in school today.

 This vacation disregulation has been horrid for him. Every upswing moment we have had was eclipsed by darkness and tears.  It is quiet, Well as quiet as it can be with 2 littles still home. The stress load is far less I feel like I can breath again. I miss having him here and I hate the entire process of getting him out the door each morning, including walking to the clod bus stop giant and pregnant. However, 7 1/2 hours of knowing I will not have to restrain a child, break up a fist fight, or hear screaming and swearing. I will take it.

365days

I tend to forget all the wonderful positive things I have going on in my life. I really want to work at focusing on the wonderful amazing things that happen every day. My goal is to try to post at least once a day with something positive and happy in my life. It may not always be about Sammy. Feel free to join in if you like.

January 1, 2013

Sam was able to keep it together for the entire evening last night while we were at a friends house. 

It may not seem like a big deal to some but there were quite a few people and lots of unpredictable possibilities. He was awesome!

He held it together like a champ until the minute the car door closed, but when it mattered he was FANTASTIC. 

Ribbons and Bows

The sound of feet running up the stairs to jump on the bed with joy that Santa came doesn't happen here. Last year Nate got excited and jumped on the bed screaming that Santa came, and Sam decked him. Apparently he learned and it did not happen again this year. Sam came down 2 hours before everyone else and proceeded to have a full blown behavior. A carry over from the night before I am sure, but terrifying none the less.

The night before Daniel had to work his second job so I had to get all five children ready for my mom's house and it was horrible. Sam was physical and angry. He was anxious and that made him uncontrollable. We were supposed to be there for 5...we got there closer to 6:30. I just wanted to cry and quit to be honest., but the other 4 children deserved a Christmas. I cried a lot and by the time I got to my mom's house I was spent. The boys opened their gifts and enjoyed it all well enough. The littles got these cool helicopters and the spinning blades were enough to center Sam.  By the time we got home Sam was on the edge again and lost it. He got so upset he threw up everywhere.

Christmas morning was more of the same and I dreaded church.I left my camera at my moms so I have no pictures from Christmas morning. Daniel and I were in foul moods after dealing with Sam, not enough sleep, stress, and just holiday blah. I was sulking on the ride to church when I saw a tiny cross in the window of a house we passed. I must pass that house every single time I leave my house. But today I saw the little white cross and it made me think...
There are 26 families celebrating without someone they love in CT. 20 families that likely had gifts for their children wrapped and hidden and would give anything for the messy house and wrapping paper blizzard. 20 families that aren't going to get a Christmas morning at all. There will be no giggling kids, no toys, no joy in their house at all.

I snapped out of my funk really fast and looked back at Sammy, all puffy eyed and red faced from crying. I told him I loved him. I looked back at Nate and told him too...and Tyler...and AJ. I adjusted my attitude to one of gratitude and calm and it all seemed instantly better. I kissed my husbands cheek after church and reminded him.. we. are . blessed.

Almost time...

It's almost Christmas and we have been so busy getting things done, lots of knitting and baking, some crafting and sewing, and a whole lot of eating too.

We celebrated Dan's family Christmas last weekend while his mother was here from Florida. I made tutus for the little girls and capes for the little boys,caramel for the teens and hats for some of the other teens. One of the kids even received a Grover hat! The littlest family member received a beautiful knitted cap.

Grace got quite a few baby dolls which have now become her very best friends, some very sweet clothes, and a tea set. We have had a tea party every day since. Nathaniel and Sam got Legos and cool remote cars, markers, tool belts and a house to color. The children were all very pleased.

totally ready to party

our morning getting out the door was difficult to say the least. All our gifts were ready to go, the food was waiting to go in the car, and true to form Sam was beside himself. Social stories did not seem to help him this time like last year and he just could not pull it together. A quick text to my MIL to let her know we may not be going and to please come get the gifts for the kids. When she showed up we had just finished restraining Sammy, he had no shoes on, his face was puffy, and I was in tears. We couldn't find Sam's shoes anywhere. a hour of looking resulted in absolutely nothing more than being totally frustrated.

I made an executive decision to jump ship. I sent him with my MIL and older son. He put on my crocks and he went.
he spent the day in the basement , alone. He played alone the entire time the party as going on (after I made sure he was not going to get hurt or escape). He did come up to eat. He did not want to come up for presents and at one point even told Daniel he just didn't want any presents. An hour or so later I saw him from the corner of my eye walking along the hallway rubbing the plaster. He came in and opened his gifts.

Lego Reaction

In the long run, it was a win. It still makes me sad to see him separate himself from everyone. I am glad he knows what he needs and that we know enough now not to force the issue. A few years ago that wasn't the case. He just enjoys these things in a very different way.

Sam inside the bench, with the Legos.. Sammy Heaven

I spent the difficult times during the party (before and after too)  giving up the stresses for the souls in purgatory. It's no secret social responsibilities are hard for me too. I have tried very hard this advent to keep the focus where it needs to be with the children and myself. So many times I came up short on what I had hoped for myself.



But like everything else, God isn't done with me yet. I look forward to celebrating the birth of Christ with my family and making next year better. I am blessed beyond all measure to have healthy wonderful children, a loving husband, and Faith that all the things that suck in my life will get better.
Those tough days, are the days when God is working his magic on me to help me be the person I was always meant to be.

Rethinking it All

I was sitting here today having a little pity party for myself. Sam has been a bear lately and full of anxiety and stress. I was thinking about all the Christmas-y stuff we just can't do because Sammy can't handle it. I was pouting over the gifts I can't afford and all the stuff that isn't done. I sat here  upset because my children didn't finish their chores and I am STILL drowning in laundry. Frustrated at the aftermath of the flooded basement and my cumbersome belly that just hinders the clean up effort. I was angry that Christmas wasn't going to be "perfect" I was wallowing. Not pretty but it is true.

Then I caught a Facebook status about Connecticut and a shooting. I assumed it was more of the same insanity that goes around this time of year. Someone lost their job and lost their crap and as a result something bad happened. I however was not prepared for what I found. A school, an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, for kids 5-10 years old was at the center of the story. Possibly 27 people killed, more than half of them likely children.


I am sick to my stomach. I can't wrap my head around the tragedy that will ripple through the US over this senselessness. The families that lost a child, or other loved one, the first responders, and the survivors aren't worried if the trim in their kitchen is painted in time for Christmas.

Suddenly it doesn't matter that my tree hasn't been decorated, or that the walls need to be painted.It's irrelevant that they won't get super special gifts or see the lights at Lasellete. It doesn't matter if the laundry isn't done... it's never done anyway.

It made me really rethink about what is important this year and what I need to focus on. I am rethinking it all and changing my plan.
I will cuddle with the kids tonight no matter how cranky and miserable they have been. I don't care if their chores are done, I don't care if the laundry beeps. It. Can. Wait. because these guys are growing up far too quickly and they won't still be there later. I am sure the parents of those children are wishing they could do the same.

PINNED

Sam really wants to participate in a sport. He has asked to play soccer but in order to do that he would need to wear socks which he refuses to do.  Plus we did find that soccer moves to fast for him. By the time he is aware the ball is near enough  to kick its already going to other direction. It was difficult to watch him play and cry that year. One game he bolted for the parking lot full of cars and another mom caught him.

Baseball won't work because as physically adept as Sam is he doesn't have the patience or the coordination for it. Plus you have to wear a helmet and according to Sam "helmets smell like butt"

Running would be great but Sam sees no purpose in running just to run faster than everyone.

What we needed was a team sport that will utilize his amazing strength, teach him self discipline, allows him to function as a single unit while still part of the team,  does not make him wear socks, helmets or any other uncomfortable gear. Tall order that I really wasn't sure we would find.

Our oldest boy wrestles, and wrestles well. In fact he is AMAZING at it.

 His coach teaches a youth program but there was no way we could afford the 200$ to place Sam in a program that he may just quit week two. Sam was invited anyway and everything came together to allow him to try it. Nothing short of a miracle. Tyler is assisting with the youth program coaching and both Coach P and Tyler know all about Sam. He was invited anyway. Did I mention that?

Of course he is all over the place and he can't stand still. The other 8 year old in the group stands there and listens intently to the couches. Sam takes some extra direction and extra work. he watches himself in the reflection of the dark windows... a lot. But he is learning. Coach P is so patient and wonderful with him. Sam seems to be really enjoying it.

Week two and no refusals and he has even done his homework before practice.

Now That is PROGRESS
and all forward progress counts.

New Beginnings

This week we passed the anniversary of Sam's diagnosis. I thought about it and considered writing about it, but I chose to focus on something else. It was 2007 when the word autism connected to Sam and we have come so far since then. It hardly seems like the same life honestly. Most Days. Other days It's still just as bad but with a bigger child to control, and that can be hard. The difference now isn't so much him , though he has made huge leaps the past few years, it's me. I understand more of what makes him tick. It took me 8 years to figure out just a small slice of what makes Sam I am who he is.

I am working so hard at focusing on advent and my heavenly father that I am making a conscious choice to not dwell on it right now.  Something amazing occurred to me this year Sam's anniversary of his diagnosis falls on the feast of St. Nicholas. Sometimes gifts come in packages  wrapped with shiny paper and beautiful bows, others simply fly under your radar. Maybe that is how it is for us.  Sam is a gift to all of us, even on those difficult days that make me cry. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you least expect.

Christmas is coming

It's advent season and most people are thrilled and excited about the upcoming christmas season. Here, not so much.I find myself longing for Christmas as I had pictured it would be.   I had this unrealistic idea of what I THOUGHT it was going to be like. I use to try and make it happen. Somewhere along the way that changed.  Yes, Autism was part of it, but there is more. Every year I am slapped with a hard truth that the idea of what my life would be is very different from reality. For kids like Sam this time of year is really hard. I have never really liked this season either, to be completely honest.  My christmas morning is full of meltdown and chaos. Christmas  Eve I inevitably find myself  surrounded by mountains of wrapping paper and tape trying to get it all done. I always find myself in tears at 3 am staring at the tree thinking "There has to be more to life than this" and praying we at least get through the day without having anyone seriously injured by Sammy. I typically come "unglued" 15 bazillion times in one day and I miss it all.

my blessings

It happens a lot lately really, I just fall apart. I burst into tears for no discernible reason. In fact the other day I began to laugh at something and found myself laughing so hard I burst into tears and began sobbing. Sneak attack for sure. I'm working on it and leaving a lot of this to God because I'm just not big enough.


Typically this season means we will spend too many days with people who just don't get it, people who think we are crazy, overly lenient, overly strict, too uptight and that Sam is just spoiled. Some will make comments, some will roll their eyes, and maybe just one of them will finally understand it this year... wishful thinking I suppose. I can't just avoid them because some may or may not be related.

This year I am willing it to be different...

I received a great pamphlet from my MMIL (meddling mother in law, which is my affectionate name for her) about making advent special. We spent some time together Sunday coming up with ways to make this season special. We have some good ideas. We even played a game answering questions about the first days passage (it was based on Sunday's Gospel reading) the kids earned chocolate chips for each right answer. I think they might have even had fun...maybe.

We still don't have a tree, my advent calendar I wanted to make is still not done, and I have only a few presents made for Dan's Family Christmas Party. The littlest girls are done, and the youngest boy. The two middle boys should be done this week, then its simple stuff for the older Roy kids (a scarf and some caramel popcorn). Because things are so very tight this year financially (Dan had to get a second job) Everyone is getting homemade gifts. There are some who will not appreciate it, some who never say thank you, and some who seems grateful.
But I won't let it bother me. I made some baby steps this season for all of my family. My Dear Friend Michelle has an advent link up and so I am joining her.
I made a list of HOW I want to implement a better advent season at my house..baby steps right

I will enjoy my kids.
I will take 15 minutes Each day to sit quietly and talk to God. Not complain but Thank
I will make a list of what I love about each child and place it in their stocking for Christmas Eve.
Before I Freak Out I will count to 10 and ask if it is really worth it.

Time To Write

I should be happy. I have a wonderful family. I have a loving husband. Everyone is healthy. I should just count my blessings. I need to just get over it. Give it time. It could always be worse...


I have heard it all

I've lived with depression on and off since I was a little kid. I can remember that black hole feeling as early as 6 or 7 years old. It sounds crazy I know. You probably know more people than you think that are in the same boat. Friends that stop calling you or stop leaving the house. Sometimes they change in ways that don't make sense to anyone. They may even still smile, but it never makes it up their face to their eyes. there are so many of us , silent, hiding, and pretending it's ok.

from web MD  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Overeating or appetite loss

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

~it's been a while since I have written. I feel like this needs to be out there.I have fought this my entire life and I have learned there just aren't any easy answers. There are no magic bullets that pull me out of this funk. I also have Seasonal Depression (also known as SAD, how fitting) so this time of  year is hard already.
Usually I can keep things together enough to zombie my way through my day and function in a way that no one really notices. Over the years the depression has increased my anxiety which has in turn created a monster OCD issue.  I know I see things no one else will notice but those little things make me feel crazy. This time it is as bad as it has ever been.My family needs me, so I function, sort-of. I can't ever die because then, what happens to Sam? It scares me when I feel like this. Daniel knows I am struggling and he is trying so hard. It just isn't something that can simply be fixed. Add to this being pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. I feel like I wake up every day in foggy tunnel. I don't want to get out of bed, I just don't want to do anything, even the things I love to do...like write.Writing was my release, it was cathartic, calming and joyful. Now nothing is. I find myself often thinking "I should be so happy about this" but I am not. I just feel kind of ...numb
I know medication is an option. I know it works. But I also know that I took that route once, when I was pregnant with Sammy. I also know that 5 years later a study came out linking the antidepressant I took with autism. I know plenty of people have taken the same med without the same result. I know I have to do SOMETHING. I just can't...
I am not writing this for sympathy or anything of the sort. I know I am not alone, and this time of year can be hard for lots of people. I hope that by writing this, by putting this out in front, those of you in the same spot and feeling alone will know that you are NOT in fact alone.
Mental health can be such a taboo subject for so many. People believe we are just weak minded, self centered, or looking for attention. This is real, it hurts, and it sucks. So if you're reading this and your struggling, I want you to know you aren't alone... not for one second.

All the Small Things

Today my DH has provided a post for YLMB.  He wanted to make this small gesture to contribute to this blog.  I hope you enjoy his perspective.




All the small things that I see day to day are what balance the scales of caring for a child like Sam. The outbursts and screaming and hitting are just part of the other side of that scale. The negatives are so big they tend to overshadow the positives. When Sam hits his little brother or spits on his older brothers, the reaction inflates the impression of the behavior into much more than what it is. It’s a behavior stemming from stimulation within Sam by an outside force none of us even have on our radar. We handle it and move on. Every day we need to intervene on behalf of Sam rather than because of him. Day after day, over and over, the strength of mind, body, and will are challenged and drained from us. He his getting so big it isn’t easy picking up his “dead weight” off the floor. There I go again focusing on the negative. This is about the small things that are overshadowed by what we tend to focus on. So here is a sample of the small things that get overlooked.


The other night he asked if he could feed the dog. I said yes. I love to encourage anything that could give my boy a greater sense of self worth. “Go ahead and get the bowl” I said. Sam took the bowl into the pantry where the bag of dog food sat. Sam said “One cup, right?” “Yes Sam, the measuring cup is 1/3 cup so we need three scoops”. I held the bowl wile Sam dug into the kibble with the measuring cup in his left hand and very carefully ran his right hand across the top of the cup to make it perfectly level. What pride he took in counting out each accurately measured cup of dog food. He fed the dog he loves under the watchful eye of his father whom I hope he knows loves him with great depth. I couldn’t get the images of Sam leveling the scoops of dog food, out of my head. I still wonder is his methods and care were because he wanted his best friend Chance the dog to have exactly what he needs of if it was because he wanted my approval. Or maybe he just did it for Sam. Because in a life with so many struggles, he needs to feel like he can do it. We all know you can do it!

Bed time was met with more than usual resistance. After a consistent push to get him to brush his teeth, we had to get up the stairs. He pushed back against me with his feet on the next step up. With a small push against his back he leaned back farther and moved his feet up more steps. With his body almost horizontal, I continued to push on his back while he took one step at a time until we reached the top of the stairs. To get to his room he needed to go right. Sam went left, real fast. He busted into his older brother’s room and began to wreak havoc. Ushering him out of the room, he made another sharp turn into my room. The bed is not a trampoline, but one might think that it is with the number of jumps that have been pushed down into its wary springs. New plan, scoop up the boy and plant him in his bed and tuck him in. There he was motionless in his bed. The light from the hall illuminated a single path of floor, bed, and wall. “Dad, you read me a story”? I thought about all the chores and tasks to be done before I could get to bed. “No, not tonight Sam” His face was angry at first, but within seconds it crumpled into sadness and pain. “I hate you! You never play with me anymore!” This outburst was followed immediately by genuine sobs and tears. I thought about how I needed to put his younger brother in his bed because he fell asleep cuddling with his mom on the couch. The chores needed to be checked. The garbage needed to be taken out. I needed to make a lunch to take to work tomorrow. I wanted to mop the kitchen floor after everyone went to bed so there would be no traffic on it while it dried. But none of that mattered when I saw his pain. He was right. My attention was given to his mother, to two older siblings, two younger siblings, my job, the house, etc. What about Sam. Why hadn’t I spent any time on the floor with him playing Legos, or watch him play a video game, or take time to do more than just ask him how his day was. Asking about his day isn’t fun for him, there is no quality given to our relationship. My wife wants to know that I am interested in her day. It means something to her. I don’t think it means all that much to Sam. So I told him I would be right back. After I put his little brother in his bed, I invited Sam into my room to watch some funny videos on the computer before he had to go to sleep. We laughed and shared a great time. Only about ten minutes went by before I told him it was time to go to bed. “Okay Dad, that was so funny. I love you”.

It turns out that the small things are the biggest most important things of all.

Fear, Focus, and Moving Forward.

Yesterday was hard. Not in the "I can't do this  because I might die" sort of hard, but the "remain in the moment and be OK" kind of hard. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembered day is never easy and it brings the flood of emotions I am never really prepared to handle. Adding into that a few of my dear friends have just lost babies as well, and I am pregnant now so I was a wreck yesterday. Sammy had a rough day, Nate had a rough day and baby was like velcro on a wool sock. My guess is that they felt my stress and emotions.

Sammy also had his bake sale yesterday for kids with cancer. he sold out in just 2 hours and made 36$. I have never seen that boy glow like he did yesterday. He went over to people at the football game to tell them about his fundraiser. Daddy went and helped him get the right words but he did it himself.

So we have been trying to figure out where to send the money and I think we have it figured out. Just a little more checking into things first.

I ended my day with a candle burning for Emma, for my friends, and family. I ended the day with dry eyes and full arms. I ended my day blessed beyond belief , peaceful but sad because I know my sweet girl would have fit in this family perfectly and I will miss her forever. I ended my day cuddled between my three youngest kids with Squish dancing inside my belly and all I could think was "how blessed I am to know, that even the end is not really the end. That what lies beyond me is more powerful than anything I could wrap my head around. I am blessed with all I have. I am surrounded by light and love."

I am going to let that be my focus as I move forward.

Tipping Point

I have been quiet because I would rather not write then bore you all with the darkness that seems to have taken over here lately. People that know me , know I tend to pull in when it's hard. October is infant and pregnancy loss month (along with a ton of other causes). October 15th is a difficult day for me. I find this  year that I am needing release somewhow. I need to put meaning into who Emma was, I just can't figure out how just yet. I need to find some sort of solace in this pain before Squish is born.

 To add to it, I am nursing an injured hand after a few out of control moments with Sam the other night. He has been a mess off and on. One minute he is wonderful and better than ever, the next, forget it. He hasn't swung at me in ages and this week it has happened numerous times.

So please bear with me as I pull myself together. I promise I will get back to posting normally soon. I have even recieved some kind of cool fun award thing. Tomorrow I will tackle I promise.

Until tomorrow...

laughter

Some days are just chaos here. With five children running around it's crazy enough, but adding a toddler, a hyper 5 year old, and a child like Sam into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. Some nights it ends it tears and once in a while it actually ends in laughter. Today since I am trying to be more content and happy it ended in laughter. Mostly.

We had dinner and Sam was desperately on edge. Grace was done before we even sat down and Nate was freaking out over his green beans. Then I left the table and the boys let Grace loose covered in fish, quinoa, and green beans and gave her a handful of chocolate candy. Her onsie was soaked and she was smeared with food. Sticky hands and a sticky face  contaminating everything within reach. So Daniel took off her onsie and cleaned her up a little. She then took off her diaper and began to play with it covering herself in poop. Nate went running by and stepped in it, panicked, and continued to run around the house screaming rather than sit down where he was. Meanwhile Sam was upstairs screaming about needing help with something.

My choices at that point were to either completely loose my crap

or

Laugh and deal with it.

I admit I was cranky at first, but within minutes I began to giggle at the entire situation. Nate found that funny so he began to laugh. At that point Sam came down and seconds later was wearing nothing but a plastic bag.

I am blessed to have the children I do. Not despite the chaos but because of the chaos. These children are mine because God feels I have something I can impart to these children, and in the mean time they impart plenty on me.

I use to write

I use to write poetry...

Many moons ago when I still felt like a whole person. Before my life was consumed by the fire of my children, I would write pages and pages of stories and poetry. I used it to express the disappointment in my life and the fear I felt every waking moment. It's been 8 years since I have written any real poetry. I just don't FEEL the same level of sadness and desperation I did back then. I never learned how to write happy poems.

So much has changed in the last 8 years. So many things are so far from where they started.

I still don't know if it is mostly good or mostly bad.

In My Power

As a mother parent you do whatever you have to to protect your children. You walk through fire, across broken glass, and leap tall buildings in a single bound (OK so maybe that's Superman), but you get the picture. It's our job to take care of it, to make it happen, and to fight what needs to be fought. What happens when the person hurting your child, IS YOUR CHILD? What am I supposed to do with that?

This time of year is hard for Sam. On the plus side he did get a behavior report from last week telling me he was doing fantastic. He was working hard and redirecting well. Then Friday is began to fall apart, by Saturday it was a disaster. I began to rethink everything. By Sunday he had hurt himself. His little arm bruised and his nail bed raw from picking and chewing. It was still escalating and I knew it would get worse before it got better. Monday night we had to restrain him in order to keep him from really hurting himself or someone else.A year ago I would have felt like this was the end of the world, but thanks to "My Ponytail" I have been keeping data on Sam for years. (It's normal ...for him. Every year we struggle from the week after his birthday until Christmas, then it gets really bad until after April Vacation. After that it is great until about June, and then we fall apart again until school is done. )

He went to school today, he had a rough day and would not redirect. I hate homework time but I was able to get him to do some of it. He seems a bit better tonight so we may have turned the corner for this run of bad things. I can hope.

As I watched him tonight nibbling the apple crisp I made for desert I couldn't help but think about how far we have come just to get here. I look at the remains of the last four or five days, the bruises, the broken toys,   and the fluttering of his fingers in his lap and all I can think is that I would do anything to protect him, but I just can't protect him from himself.