GRADUATION PICTURES

I promise at some point I will stop with all this. Soon. Just not yet.

And so it begins...

Tyler and Emily

Some of the family

How Grace passed the time

The principle , Mr. Dempsey

Ready to go

So happy the day is here. He seriously smiled almost the whole time

Listening closely to the names being called. We received a letter telling us there were no alterations allowed to the cap and gown allowed. Tyler braided his tassel to be different

My graduate after receiving his diploma

Two People that gave Tyler all of the professional building blocks he needed and tolerated him leaving his things behind almost every day

Three generations of Aggie.  

So very proud of my handsome boy

Yes, I am licking his cheek. He thinks it's funny to lick me when I'm not looking. This was my revenge.

His girlfriend, Emily, performing her "Vader move"

Must Read

Sam and I have had a deal for a few years now in regards to his library card. The deal was

When you can read , you can have a card.

Guess what!? 

SAM CAN READ

Let that sink in for a minute, he can actually read. He may not be up to grade level yet. He may not even be close. BUT HE CAN READ

And with that the pure joy and pride I feel can't even come close to being measured.

He took out three books in accordance with our family library rule for gradeschoolers

one fun

one learning

and one chapter book for bed time

He chose a book on bats, a lego star wars book, and a mystery novel for bedtime. We sat together reading tonight and when i started to fall asleep, Sam (rather than choose to be done with the book for the night) read to me instead. It was a book clearly well beyond his technical reading ability but he still chose to read it to me. Outloud.

He keeps reminding me that its due back in two weeks, that he can call to renew if he needs more time, and that he can take as many books as he wants to. I hear it 3 or 4 times an hour right now. Clearly, he is as delighted at this new development as I am.

I missed it

Yesterday was awful , a seriously terrible evening.

Upon further reflection, It occurred to me

I missed the good stuff. I focused on the dark gloomy greyness of the end of the day. I need to celebrate more.

Sam had a friend over.
A friend. Like for real! Someone that likes to spend time with Sammy. He and Sammy go along pretty well. Sam seemed happy I noticed a lot of similarities between the boys

regardless Sammy had friend over. I should have focused on that before anything. Its HUGE.

its a big deal. And I was so busy crying on my cupcakes I missed it.

Depth

I have six children.
I love being a mother.

most days

Some days,  I feel so out of my depth. Some days, I skate into the home stretch of children in bed and quiet in the house. It's nights like tonight where I can only think " My God , I have to do this again tomorrow"

Thankfully those days aren't often, but they happen.
Today was awesome, tonight was a challenge.

Nate went up to tell Sam dinner was ready. Everyone had a great day. Nate went to field day, Sam had a friend over for a little while. Sam was half asleep when Nate went to get him for dinner. So Sam punched him, Nate cried which infuriated Sam more. Then Sammy pummeled Nate, AJ intervened and Sam escalated, then Ty intervened and I removed everyone and dealt with it. It was brutal, and ugly, and one of those moments that make me think that perhaps I am not a very good parent.

six children.

It's a challenge.

And some days it just sucks.

So tonight I will have a glass of wine. I will thank God for my blessings, for my trials, for the ups and the downs and for the little time that I get as their mom. When babies are born it feels like every day takes forever, but I promise you that if you just blink a little too long, they are 18.

It's kind of like a roller coaster. You wait in line, you get strapped into the car, you are so scared of the drop and the loops but before you know it the ride is over and all you have is the memory of it.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

In the morning I will do it all over again. I just hope tomorrow ends on an up-note.

Spring

It's the first day of spring right? so why am I still freezing here? Why is there snow on the ground still? I am so tired of snow and ice. I want sunshine and flowers. I want my lilac to bloom already. Since I can't have those things I figured I would start an I LOVE SPRING list.
It will at least keep my mind off the new numbers released by the CDC of 1 in 50 kids are dx with autism.

                                           

Lilacs.
Flowers.
Sunshine.
Garden prep.
The smell of turned earth.
Time outside.
Warm air.
Open windows.
Birthdays.
Cookouts.

I can't wait for warmer weather.
What would you add?

Little things

Sam has been freaking out about MCAS the last few months.  He gets accommodation but because he is technically able to read he has to take the MCAS. He is in 3rd grade and is just now beginning to read on a 1st grade level he gets someone to read the test to him. He gets a scribe for all long written areas.

Tonight Sam is excited about MCAS, just for this minute ,because he gets gum. Three dollar a container, gluten free, all natural gum with xylitol.

Miracles

Tyler had to work at school today. He was to be at the school for 8 am and work until 1pm. At about 1130 the phone rings. Tyler got his hand caught in between a chain and a tree. His hand was crushed and bloodied and once again Daniel was off to pick him up. After an afternoon at the emergency room the conclusion... NO BROKEN BONES

I'm still not sure how that happened.

It was hard not having control today. I didn't go to the ER with him. I couldn't. I was here being loved and blessed by the ladies of my church.My kitchen and playroom have never ever been so clean. The littles went to a friends house. Laundry is caught up. I can't even find words to describe how blessed I feel.

my house is clean.
my children are healthy

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)

Kids

I am so grateful my kids all get along so well. The older kids like each other (most of the time) Nate and Grace are best of friends. Sammy adores Grace and is looking forward to the new baby coming in just a few short weeks. (By the way if you tried to get to my guessing came from this post, you need to put "squishguessgame in the left hand side of the page where it asks if you have been invited to play. So far we only have 3 entries other than mine.)





today Grace walked over to Sam and wrapped her little arms around him and told him she loved him. He smiled and ruffled her hair. It was so sweet. So many families spend their time fighting, I am grateful mine do not. It isn't always roses. Nate figured out how to really annoy Sam and set him off. Sam goes after Nate sometimes too.  They are after all human children.

family

I am blessed to have an incredible family. They understand my crazy and love me anyway.

Knowing You

January 11, 2013

I am so glad I know you the way I do.

I can watch those storm clouds roll over your face as the internal countdown begins to explosion  Sometimes I catch it soon enough to head it off at the pass. Sometimes I don't.
It's been as bad as ever and it hurts my heart. I see how hard you struggle and how much work just the little things can be for you. I know this life isn't easy for you. I know that you work harder than I can imagine. I know still waters run deep and there must be so much inside your head that I just can't reach.
It hurts me to see you struggle with disappointments and unexpected changes.

But moments like this afternoon when I asked you to dance in the kitchen are worth it. When you wrap your arms around me and hum just a few notes as you rock with me. You told me you loved me like a banana. I haven't hear that in so long. God must have known how badly I needed it from you after the week we had. You asked me for a cookie, I always give you three but today I gave you four. You smiled at me, eyes sparkling, and said "You gave me four, it's because you love me!" you hugged me again and ran off to nibble your cookies. I just soaked in the moment, because it is always gone too quickly.

Concussed

January 9, 2013

Our oldest boy wrestles and I know I have mentioned before how very good at it he is. It's a rough sport for sure and injuries happen. We knew that going in.

Tyler is an Aspie and has learned a ton of great social coping skills  to the point where most people have no idea. He hides behind humor and silliness and it is one of the MANY things I love about that boy. As my oldest son we have a special kind of bond and we are very close. Ty tells me just about everything and he comes to me for advice. He is 17 and such a blessing to our family. He connects with Sammy in a way no one else can. My two spectrum boys really do get each other.

Tyler was at a meet this weekend and was dumped on his head, hard. He was rushed to the local hospital on a spine board complete with a neck brace. The trainer began to tell him they thought he might have broken his neck. I wasn't there, the meet was 2.5 hours away and Dan had to work. He must have been terrified.

But he is OK. He does have a concussion and he is off the mat for AT LEAST 14 days post headache, but he should be able to wrestle for sectionals. Right now we just want to protect him enough to get him there. Last year he broke his collar bone 2 weeks before sectionals and it ended his most promising season. He won't allow that to happen again and he is terrified it will.

I am so grateful for his coaches that make sure the kids are safe. We have an incredible staff and they all love the kids. Tyler has learned so much on the mat. One of the coaches is now Sam's coach too.

Someone asked how I can watch Tyler wrestle. It's simple. When your child has a passion for something, you watch. You endure crazy early morning rides to Dighton, PB&J for lunch each Saturday, cold toes, and aching backs from bleachers. You go and scream yourself hoarse, call out moves, and pray at the sidelines, because when your child has a passion, you support it even when you don't want to. This is the last sport I would have picked, but Tyler picked it and he excels at it. So I support him in any way I can.

I am blessed he wasn't seriously hurt  and that he can finish out his season chasing his dream and fulfilling his passion.

My Husband Rocks

January 7, 2013

It's been a long week back for the kids, which translates to a difficult week for me at home with them. My husband didn't feel well Friday morning and as a result didn't go into his first job. By all rights he should have been allowed to stay in bed. I was having a bad morning between some of the bigs' chores not being done, the trash ignored and overflowing,someone finishing the little ones milk, and not having any pants that fit. It all came together when I found a giant glass of coffee milk(where the littles' milk went) in my fridge by spilling it all over everything in the fridge, the floor , and my ONLY clean fitting shirt. I lost it and burst into tears. Daniel , being the wonderful husband he is, cleaned it up for me and let me go back to sleep for a bit, since the three littlest had a rough night.

We went to my midwife apt and listened to Squish's yummy sweet heartbeat (that sound never does get old). We had lunch together and My wonder hubby again let me just chill out and enjoy my meal.Grace took her nap and so did I... again.  Some husbands may have complained, but not my amazing man. He really takes amazing care of all of us and is by far one of the most solid people in my life. I know he is always on my side. He is an incredible father, friend, and husband.

He is absolutely my Prince Charming

and to top it off I think he is damn cute!

A Wink

January 5,2013

You ever have one of those moments that convince you God is just giving you a hug? A friend of mine calls them God Winks. I was so down Thursday night all I wanted to do was cry. I was tired, anxious, spent, and just done. I was tired just thinking about the next day being nothing but the same....

then I heard this.

laughter

Some days are just chaos here. With five children running around it's crazy enough, but adding a toddler, a hyper 5 year old, and a child like Sam into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. Some nights it ends it tears and once in a while it actually ends in laughter. Today since I am trying to be more content and happy it ended in laughter. Mostly.

We had dinner and Sam was desperately on edge. Grace was done before we even sat down and Nate was freaking out over his green beans. Then I left the table and the boys let Grace loose covered in fish, quinoa, and green beans and gave her a handful of chocolate candy. Her onsie was soaked and she was smeared with food. Sticky hands and a sticky face  contaminating everything within reach. So Daniel took off her onsie and cleaned her up a little. She then took off her diaper and began to play with it covering herself in poop. Nate went running by and stepped in it, panicked, and continued to run around the house screaming rather than sit down where he was. Meanwhile Sam was upstairs screaming about needing help with something.

My choices at that point were to either completely loose my crap

or

Laugh and deal with it.

I admit I was cranky at first, but within minutes I began to giggle at the entire situation. Nate found that funny so he began to laugh. At that point Sam came down and seconds later was wearing nothing but a plastic bag.

I am blessed to have the children I do. Not despite the chaos but because of the chaos. These children are mine because God feels I have something I can impart to these children, and in the mean time they impart plenty on me.

Out of my Depth

 The half marathon is today and I am 16.5 weeks pregnant.  I kind of resemble a weeble wobble at this point. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I got myself into this. What the Hell was I thinking?I am pretty nervous because I have never done anything like this before and I am so out of my depth. I had originally planned on running this half marathon but the pregnancy with squish and severe morning sickness kind of derailed that. I haven't trained the way I would have liked to or as much as I would have liked to and of course that has me worried. Everyone keeps reminding me that I am pregnant and that I should take it easy. Lots of people keep telling me this isn't a good idea. Even Sam says "I don't think I feel good about this, if the babies dies your so busted" OUCH.

My husband has been super supportive, thank God. I understand the concerns as I am CLEARLY out of my depths.

You know what scared me more than the 13.1 miles? The CROWD! I am short of breath just thinking about it. I can't even write about it. There were far less people last night then there will be today and even that was hard.

You know what though? HARD =/= IMPOSSIBLE
It doesn't equal quit or fail or walk away. Someone we were sitting with last night asked "You're STILL going to do it...PREGNANT???" I kind of laughed and then I explained like I have explained to everyone else.

My Son, my sweet fluffy headed boy doesn't get to quit because it's hard

he doesn't get to wake up in the morning and say "You know, this isn't a good idea. I think I will just STOP being autistic." He doesn't get to walk away because something unplanned comes along.

He doesn't get to quit. 

Neither do I.

I am doing this for him, because I want him to know

he isn't alone

he isn't broken

I am doing this because he needs to know

there are so many others like him

that he HAS support

I admire that little boy so very much and because he can't give up

NEITHER CAN I

My Heart Flew Away

I sat there as he grabbed his pack and headed toward the door. "He didn't even look back!" was all I could think as I watched him walk away. I watched the confidence in his step and the pride in his movement and I thought "My God where has my boy gone?"

 The boy with soggy shoe laces and muddy fingernails.
The boy who was such a "mamma's boy" that I was afraid he would be living in my basement at 50.
The baby who cried unless he could see me.
Where did he go?
Where did this grown man come from?

I still see that little boy with the round soft doughy cheeks and bowl hair cut that never sat right in the back. I can still feel his sticky little hands on my cheeks. My God, how did this happen? How did this boy grow up so fast?

Too much time wasted on things that didn't matter as he grew up right beneath my nose. I feel as though I squandered his childhood, as though it would never end. We didn't take enough fishing trips, or cuddle enough, or talk enough... is it ever enough?

I worry about him so far away. He is on the trip of a lifetime and he deserves this. I worry that traveling as an Aspie can be hard or even dangerous. He is with people who know him. They know he would loose his head if it weren't firmly attached, they know how forgetful he is, they know how easily he misreads things. I know he is safe and capable.

After all hasn't that been what the last 17 years were about? Wasn't my job not just to care for a child but to raise a thoughtful,loving,well rounded, capable young man? With that thought, I watched him walk through the doors of the terminal and not look back for a second. I saw a capable young man who is simply AMAZING. I saw my heart walk away with a 5' 6" body and size 12 shoe but in my head he was still that soft little boy who fit perfectly in my arms and cried when he first went to school.

Someday, I may dance with him at his wedding and I pray he will indulge this crazy old woman with a moment to relish in who he was, is and will become.