I Love You

Sam has a new stim.
I see him doing it almost all the time. In places that we are quiet (church, stores, and school) he makes it a soft breathy sound. When he is alone or outside he does it and he is loud. It's constant. When he is watching TV or playing video games. he's very good at being discreet around his friends. I worry about what that kind of control might cost him. I worry that he is afraid to be himself and be OK.

I wish my boy had a world that understood him. Where people didn't say things like "see He showed empathy , he can't be autistic" or " he seems fine to me"
I want him to be in a place that people defend him and love him. I am grateful because our team does that for him. The kids in his class don't understand. They tease him for his weird behaviors, foods, and clothes choices. They tease him at lunch for his allergies and get mad that they cannot bring the snacks they want to.
But, Our TEAM stands up for him. The school Nurse goes in and talks to the kids about how serious allergies are to protect Sam and kids like him. His principle cheers him on when he makes the right choice. She returns my calls every time.

it's because of these people  working with Sam every day that I think we hit this next milestone ....


Those of you that read know how hard it is for Sam to say he loves me will understand how awesome this new development is.

He keeps repeating it to me,over and over again.
He sounds like he means it.
He hugs me every time he says it

In light of the chaos here I am amazed. It almost makes up for his new stim of sudden yelling in short bursts...

My Love

Stepping Into The Sun

It's been crazy with all the snow here. Sam has had a hard time adjusting  to being home and the change of routine.

Today I stepped into the sun with my boy. He asked to cuddle. He wanted to snuggle and he was so sweet. Half an hour of time where the two of us just existed. It was worth every second.

My fluffy headed boy has such a soft marshmellowy side and it doesn't visit us often. I miss it when I don't see it for a while. I am so glad I could connect with him for even a little while

I got it

I got some awesome hugs and cuddles from Sam yesterday. It didn't last long, and it wasn't much, but it was SOMETHING.

I didn't ask him to come over and love me, but he chose to come over. he snuggle next to me. He said I was warm and soft. That is a giant improvement from the last time where he told me I was fat and squishy!

Snuggle Time

I cuddled up with you today , My sweet fluffy headed child. Your head heavy on me as we lay together on the couch. It's so hot here. The only room in the house with the air conditioning on in this one. You came in to share my space, to be here. At first as I snuggled you I thought you were joining me in my world. Spending time here, instead of there. As i watched your fingers flit through my hair and over my face, I realized that You were inviting me to join you there. In your world.

The world that finds rainbows in oil slicks, and sunshine in lemon. The world that makes music out of wind and rain. The sounds and the textures that we are all far to busy to see. You wanted me with you, and I happily followed.

It's still incredibly warm with your body beside mine as you whispered in my ear "You're the bestest mommy ever"

And in that moment, a split second really. Our worlds met in the middle. My sweet fluffy headed boy, I promise to take more time to find that place that makes sense to both of us. Because you are amazing. Because you are loved. Because you . are. mine.