Swirling Sea

It's been a long time since I have had time to write. Things have been so busy here and I just haven't made time for this.

I have 4 birthday posts to complete, a week of having the Holy Ghost to write about, the decision to bring Sam home and home school next year needs to be explained, and now this.

Something ridiculous happened this past week.
Grace got out of the yard. Naked. In two minutes life changed fast. She is fine and unscathed, I however, cannot say the same.

Grace asked to watch TV. I reminded her that if the sun is up the TV is off. She was angry and I had to pee. I went into the bathroom. AJ was in the basement getting laundry, not folding it, just retrieving it. I walk out of the bathroom and hear Grace screeching, Nate yelling at Grace to get in the house, and some strange person's voice.  It seems that in the amount of time it took me to pee. Nate and Sam went out and left the door to the house open. Grace spotted the opportunity and ran out the door. Of course she first stripped naked!
She would likely have gone in the yard but she saw a cat, so she opened the gate and went one house down the street to pet it.

At which point someone woman came up and tried to pick her up . Nate turned hearing Grace screech and ran over to get her. Grace ran home and I came out. At which point this woman began yelling and swearing and flipping out. She called the police, the police called DCYF. After everything that happened to the little boy in DCYF care last year the system is on high alert. So just to be safe they are coming out on Monday.

I get it.
I can't be mad at the boys. It happens.
I can't be mad at Grace. She is only 3 and does not understand the yucky stuff in the world. She is an incredibly capable young lady and she doesn't always understand her limits.
I can't be mad at the woman. Though it shows 0 discernment on her part my guess is that she has some sort of trauma. So I told my boys we need to pray for her.
I can't be mad at the officer. He was clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was fair and calm.
I can't be mad at DCYF they need to cover their... bases. I get it.
I can't be mad at myself because I had I am allowed to go pee.

Anger isn't really constructive anyway. So Instead I acted  I put a padlock on the fence and alarms on the doors. My poor neighbors must hate me! but it's working. the boys are remembering to shut the door more often and if they don't Grace can't get out!

I am beating myself up over this. The internal turmoil this has caused is really hard for me. I have been in constant panic mode since Monday night. I can barely sleep and when I do the anxiety dreams wake me up. So many past hurts have been brought to light with this. I think this may be the wrecking ball my friend Michelle talks about. Either you deal with it, or God makes you deal with it.

So I am praying through it all and giving it to Mary.

Feathers in the Sun

We have an old down comforter someone gave to us years ago when they bought a new one. It's probably about 8 or 9 years old. It's soft and worn and so very cozy. It's also quite old.
It has a small tear that I tied together with a hair tie until I could get to it. It also has a bunch of smaller holes now because the cat loves to play on it and chase the poofs.

The kids were all in my bed the other day. I was so tired because Evangeline had a rough night. I wanted the kids to go play, or go to sleep, or go to college. or something!

then I saw it.

I giant fluffy feather. It was high above Grace and Evie and it was softly falling down. The sun danced over the small wisps of feather edge and it made me smile.

Suddenly those babies couldn't be small long enough. We blew that feather around and caught it and giggled.

I felt like I was right where I wanted to be and I wanted to stop time. I was so overcome with pride and joy for the life I have.

It isn't easy here. Most days it isn't even fun. But we are working on it. Even if it takes a feather in the sun to remind me

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)