Where to Put Me

I sat here at the computer thinking "What am I feeling?" and all I could think was " I miss.." but the sentence didn't finish itself. I feel like someone died, but that isn't the case. It's as though someone is missing from my world, but that isn't the case either. The only thing missing , is me.

I don't know where to put myself. I feel restless, and edgy, and dark, and sad. I have so much to be happy for. Beautiful children, an amazing husband, a kitchen I cleaned with a toothbrush and toothpicks... yet, I can't breath. Everything is being put in it's place slowly. My house is getting back to the way I need it to be. I can't put me back together. I don't have a place.

Where do I put me?

There isn't any solace. There isn't any peace. It's as though my soul is just tired.

I lean on God. I pray. I know he has me, and that is likely why I am still pushing through this. My faith is one of the major reasons I am still here. My children need me to be better. My husband needs me to be better. I need this wolf to stop chasing me.

As hard as this is, she is worth it. they all are.

Praying for Them

" I told myself that charity should not only be a matter of feeling but should show itself in deeds. So I set myself to do for this sister just what I should have done for someone I loved most dearly. Every time I met her, I prayed for her and offered God all her virtues and her merits. I was sure this would greatly delight Jesus, for every artist likes to have his works praised and the divine Artist of souls is pleased when we do not halt outside the exterior of the sanctuary where He has chosen to dwell but go inside and admire its beauty.
I did not remain content with praying a lot for this nun who caused me so much disturbance. I tried to do as many things for her as I could, and whenever I was tempted to speak unpleasantly to her, I made myself give her a pleasant smile and tried to change the subject. The Imitation says: "It is more profitable to leave to everyone his way of thinking than to give way to contentious discourses."
When I was violently tempted by the devil and if I could slip away without her seeing my inner struggle, I would flee like a soldier deserting the battlefield. And after all this she asked me one day with a beaming face: "Sister Therese, will you please tell me what attracts you so much to me? You give me such a charming smile whenever we meet." Ah! it was Jesus hidden in the depth of her soul who attracted me, Jesus who makes the bitterest things sweet!   pp. 126, 127"The Story of a Soul

We all have those people in our lives. The ones we don't like. The ones we can blame, whether it be righteous or not. We all have those people we would like to banish from our islands to protect our very own sanity. We all have someone to blame. Sometimes that person is staring back at us in the mirror, other times, it's someone with the worst representation of things we dislike in ourselves. Sometimes the person is just so broken that they cannot help but break everyone they come in contact with.  Sometimes, that person deserves our disdain and anger. We want to wish punishment on them. We want to hate them, and they deserve it.

It's so easy to blame and stay angry. I would prefer that entirely. Anger I can handle. I understand it, it's kind of my comfort zone really. Compassion has entered my life the last decade or so. Perhaps it's age and wisdom, or faith. Perhaps Jesus is working on those things in me that are unlikable. In the last 10 years he has smoothed out my edges. I am a work in progress like the rest of us.

I want to be angry. To me anger is like a warm wool coat or an old friend. I take comfort in my anger. It's familiar, safe, and easy.

What is a girl to do when God asks her to step outside of that anger and pain? What then?

You pray for them. That person that is the thorn in your side or knife in your heart. You take a moment and pray. At first it's through gritted teeth, with clenched fists. Despite how you feel. It's brutal and it makes you feel raw and vulnerable.

Then something changes.

You see them for what HE sees them. You see their lonely brokenness. You see the bird that has fallen from the nest. The nest we all worthy of. So you continue to pray, and somewhere along the line, your heart gets healed. Your wounds, your tears, your desperation all fade into the time between.

So you continue to pray... like it or not

True Forgiveness-

There are people in this world that break parts of who we are and challenge us in ways that change the trajectory of who we become. They inject something into our character, be it good or bad, and it becomes part of us. We don't always have a choice, and it doesn't always feel good, but it is still part of our being. It shapes how we grow, learn, relate, and feel.

Sometimes those things are awful and tear apart the person you are. They break you. They wound you.  And yet, in the darkness, there is still forgiveness.

Seeing the pain in my children's eyes as they embark on the loss of someone they love is difficult. It hurts to sit back and watch them as they maneuver the unforgiving  clock that just keeps ticking faster. There is no turning back. I am saddened by their loss of time, their loss of love, and their loss of innocence. I am saddened at a life being torn from this world so painfully. So soon. Without reparations made. I am saddened that this poor woman and her family , of which I was once part, are hurting.


I want to remain angry and recount every misdeed. I want to be spiteful and not care.

That is not who my Savior created me to be. I have chased those shadows for years and many days before this journey, I forgave the hurt. I moved past it because, people don't behave poorly because they are happy and healthy inside. People that inflict pain do it because they hurt inside. Because  they are broken and want the world to be broken beside them. they do not want to be alone.

Despite the madness and evil . I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I release it all. I will continue to pray. I will continue to support my children.

As a child that comes before our Savior and asks for forgiveness, so I go before him and ask for mercy. Not for myself but on behalf of her. Because Lord,  I finally understand. Any animal, when wounded enough, will strike. I refuse to let myself become part of the spiral.

When You Miss Someone.

When someone you love dies suddenly it changes things inside your heart forever. It leaves a black hole inside your heart that swallows up the air in the room when you go near it. It takes all the energy from you, just for a moment, every time it crosses your mind.

That is how it feels to loose someone you love when you haven't been able to say goodbye.

It's been 4 years since he passed. I remember the phone call of my dear friend crying hysterically. I remember sitting on my couch on South Main, it was blue with white diamonds. I remember the smell of my grilled cheese sandwich burning. I remember feeling like I couldn't get to her fast enough to wrap my arms around her. I remember shopping for his suit to bury him in and buying socks for him. He deserved socks with no holes... and shoes.

I just miss him so much.

He loved me even when I was a mess, no matter what.

I saw him just days before he died. He was down by the Common Park. I didn't stop because I didn't have time. that eats at me.

He had children that loved him. Oh how he loved his family. Despite everything, he always loved them. He was so proud of the three of them.

I miss his crooked smile. I miss him forcing me to eat cake. I miss him hugging me so tight I couldnt breath. I miss the silliness that was a giant part of him.  I just miss him.
Without him there is a giant hole in my heart.

Poor Sammy

Sammy has poison ivy. He found a cool looking vine, ripped it off the wall, and wrapped himself in it. He looked like something from Lord of the Flies. My darling husband noticed it first and was very shocked. You see we were at the farmer's market across from our house and Sam was "playing" with the neighborhood girls. They keep a close eye on him and they are always sure to let me know when he gets out of line. I want his childhood to be as normal as I can make it. I don't ever want autism to be an excuse for him to not do something he is capable of. Because, he is so capable.

So we washed Sammy down hoping that he would not be sensitive to poison ivy. My oldest son can play with it and never get a bubble.

Sam was not so lucky. It is everywhere.He is very uncomfortable and there isn't much we can do. We gave him steroids a few years back for croup and he was almost hospitalized for a severe reaction. We can't give him Benadryl because he has a paradoxyl reaction and becomes jittery and hyper. We settled on a liquid Claritin and it seems to be helping, just not enough. he has woken every night this week in tears because he is so uncomfortable.
It is everywhere and his body is reacting to it and causing hives on top of it.

But, he has learned never to touch poison ivy again. He can now identify it and he is aware of it.

Sometimes lessons can be painful and hard to overcome.

It had me comparing this to a lot of different things in my life. Change is hard and sometimes the result can be brutal. We learn one way or another and it isn't always the easy way.
I am grateful to have my faith to turn to when things don't make sense. It's the "liquid Claritin" my body needs and while it may not always take away the entire sting of the heartbreak (because I am still human after all) it helps to give me rest.

So while there are a few things weighing on me right now I know that this too shall pass. Until then I'll take my medicine and stay close to my Faith.

Isolated

I have been feeling pretty isolated lately. Sam and Nate are at each others throats every time I take them anywhere , so leaving the house with everyone just isn't an option really. My teens have been sulky and have not wanted to help much lately. I am 35+ weeks pregnant and feeling very stressed. Grace has been super clingy as well. My house is a mess because I just cant get it done anymore. Dan is stressed trying to work two jobs, so I can't really talk to him about anything , because well, he has enough to deal with on his own right now.

I feel isolated, alone, and frustrated. I hate feeling this way. Its hard for me to do bedtime, dinner clean up, next day prep, homework with Sammy, nurse grace to bed, and write. That's a good day. Add to that behaviors for Sammy, wrestling matches, practice, Nate, Sam and Grace missing daddy and it's a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my time is spend worrying about everyone but me. It makes me feel like I am completely isolated , which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel selfish, which makes me feel guilty.

It's hard to give 100% all the time, even when you don't want to. I acknowledge that this is what I have chosen for my life and as a result I need to suck it up and just keep going. I just can't figure out how I am going to be able to keep my head down and push forward when Squish gets here. I have to find time to make some freezer meals, find a place for another baby dresser, and get everything all set for when I am in the hospital having baby.


It's times like this that all I have to lean back on is my faith. I truly believe that as crappy as things are right now, it will get better and it will be OK.  I am so grateful that I am able to hold fast to the help and love of Jesus through all of this, because if I didn't have that, I likely wouldn't be here. It would have ended many years ago at Jones Beach. If it weren't for my faith , the love of God, an angel, and a miracle, I wouldn't be here writing. Sam, Nate, Grace, and Squish would not be here.

I am just grateful tonight that no matter how dark it gets right now, it will never be as dark as that afternoon on Jones Beach.