Ribbons and Bows

The sound of feet running up the stairs to jump on the bed with joy that Santa came doesn't happen here. Last year Nate got excited and jumped on the bed screaming that Santa came, and Sam decked him. Apparently he learned and it did not happen again this year. Sam came down 2 hours before everyone else and proceeded to have a full blown behavior. A carry over from the night before I am sure, but terrifying none the less.

The night before Daniel had to work his second job so I had to get all five children ready for my mom's house and it was horrible. Sam was physical and angry. He was anxious and that made him uncontrollable. We were supposed to be there for 5...we got there closer to 6:30. I just wanted to cry and quit to be honest., but the other 4 children deserved a Christmas. I cried a lot and by the time I got to my mom's house I was spent. The boys opened their gifts and enjoyed it all well enough. The littles got these cool helicopters and the spinning blades were enough to center Sam.  By the time we got home Sam was on the edge again and lost it. He got so upset he threw up everywhere.

Christmas morning was more of the same and I dreaded church.I left my camera at my moms so I have no pictures from Christmas morning. Daniel and I were in foul moods after dealing with Sam, not enough sleep, stress, and just holiday blah. I was sulking on the ride to church when I saw a tiny cross in the window of a house we passed. I must pass that house every single time I leave my house. But today I saw the little white cross and it made me think...
There are 26 families celebrating without someone they love in CT. 20 families that likely had gifts for their children wrapped and hidden and would give anything for the messy house and wrapping paper blizzard. 20 families that aren't going to get a Christmas morning at all. There will be no giggling kids, no toys, no joy in their house at all.

I snapped out of my funk really fast and looked back at Sammy, all puffy eyed and red faced from crying. I told him I loved him. I looked back at Nate and told him too...and Tyler...and AJ. I adjusted my attitude to one of gratitude and calm and it all seemed instantly better. I kissed my husbands cheek after church and reminded him.. we. are . blessed.

Magical Moments

We don't venture out often with Sammy to traditional places. We go when it's quiet, empty, and safe. That way when (not if) he melts down we can get out fast. We always have an escape plan.

When you have a kid like Sam , sometimes military tactics are necessary!

We dropped Tyler off at BU for 12 days of wrestling camp. The ride up and back was a little rough for Sammy since sitting still is NEVER his forte. We all survived it. We were coming over the bridge to our house and Daniel mentioned the carnival on the other side. I cursed under my breath. My darling husband wasn't thinking that Sammy had probably already had more than enough stimulation for the day. I wasn't happy, the question "how many blocks did I earn" had already begun being asked repetitively.

If we said no to the carnival, there would be a meltdown.

If we said yes to the carnival, there would be a meltdown.

There was no winning this.

So... we went to the carnival.

I prayed so hard that it would be ok. The last time we attempted anything of the sort it started with spinning pumpkins but ended with having to restrain him in the back of the pavilion as he tried to flip the table to get away from all the people.

I just couldn't take a repeat. 

Then the magic happened. 

PURE, UNADULTERATED MAGIC. 

There was almost no one there, and Sam took a minute to gather it all in. He got flappy for a bit and I was prepared to leave. Then he hugged me and told me I was the best mom ever. He tuned in to me, the world around him. For the first time in as long as I can really remember he was 100% present. He engaged. He went on rides. He loved the Ferris Wheel and the Polar Express. It was such sheer joy just watching him enjoy the fair. He asked to buy a water bottle. That was the best 3$ water bottle we have ever bought. We walked home the two blocks. We played on the cannons. We sang and we ran.

We snuggled and watched a movie.

And just like that, the next morning, he was gone. Disengaged and moody.
It didn't matter because now I have that wonderfully amazing night in my head. I know it CAN happen so there is hope it will happen again. What a blessed night we had,truly magical.