Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.


525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?

To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!

She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.

When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.

 

When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.

Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.

And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable

She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.

And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.

She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.

Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.

She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.

Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.

At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 

Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.

I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.

I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.

Birthday!

Sam is 9 now. It's so hard to believe that time has flown by like this. It's been 6 years since his DX and he has made amazing strides!

He wanted pancakes for breakfast and so he got that. I made him some special pancakes. He was pleased.
He wanted meatloaf for dinner, stuffed with cheese, and covered in a bacon blanket.

yes that is bacon weave 

My mom made him a cake because Nanni makes the better frosting.

We left that same night for his trip to the cabin.
More on that tomorrow.

WIN!

Every year Sammy has a party and no one comes. Every year he doesn't get to invite friends because I drop the ball and forget to send out invites to people for him. This year it might be different. If no one comes it might make me sad though.  This year I remembered to send invites to ESY with him. YAY

I WIN

Being autistic isn't easy for Sam. there are so many people who just don't get it. People are ignorant and think that because they see it from the outside , they know better.  While there are so many people in the world like that I try to just ignore the stupidity. I smile and speak calmly and walk away. Because, those of us in the trenches know differently, don't we.

It's hard for Sammy to make friends but it seems we have hit the proverbial jackpot with this homeschool group we have joined. Two specific boys, both spectrum kids, and a mom who really gets it. What a blessing. Sam also made a friend at ESY this year.

It seems that this year he might truly have friends at his birthday party.

I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I hope they come.

18 and Life

My Darling Son,

You are now an "adult" in the eyes of the law, but to me you are still the pudgy little boy in flannel pajamas. You've never moved past that in my mind really. It eventually all flashes back to you cradled in my arms minutes after you were born.  So be gentle with me young man as you spread your wings. You see you are learning to fly and I am trying to learn how to let go.

I will have far less control over the choices you make from this point. Not because I cannot exert my will but because, I choose not to. You my boy have proven yourself to be a man of character and of that I am beyond proud.

Your faith is the core of everything you have been taught. I know your faith is important to you and I am so proud of the way you live it everyday. You stand behind your words with actions that any mother would be proud of.

There will never be a shortage of advice from me I am afraid. While I may be letting you fly, I am still your mother. That same mother that screamed at your wrestling matches, laughed at your punchline-less jokes, and taught you to smile for pictures so you didn't look like you were in pain. I am also the same mother that slept on a couch for a year so that you had a bed and would do it again in a heartbeat. Don't ever be afraid to come to me if you need it.

So many young men your age are faltering and failing because being a young man in the world today is hard. Being a man of faith and conviction in times like this is even harder.

Remember your faith, your love, and everything in between and that my door and my heart is always open for you.

In The End

In the end , yesterday turned out OK. The migraine never really went away but you can't win them all.

My mother brought over cake, so I didn't have to make my own. Which is always awesome. Cake which is made for you always tastes better anyway.

My boys made me a card , well Tyler and Sam anyway. They drew birthday cakes, balloons with smiles, and a table set with a bunch of plates.

My husband made dinner. Fish and french fries. I am so grateful I didn't have to cook last night since I felt so sick. In fact I have to say I am pretty blessed with a husband that will do whatever needs to be done. He doesn't even grumble. I know I might if the roles were reversed. I tend to be a cranky pants when it comes to change.

My friends all sang me happy birthday at book club. I got the cutest card  and a gift card to Dunkin too. Oh and a JELLY DOUGHNUT! Those of you on my facebook page know I have been craving them lately.

My wonder hubby also remembered an obscure request I had made earlier for this...

yahooo.

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. I will spare you all the details on how old I am. I woke up today to my darling Sammy making me a wonderful breakfast. He even served me breakfast in bed.
How awesome! Of course between him, Nate, and Grace they ate it all but that is fine.He also made me coffee and it was close to perfect! He did forget the spoon but I wouldn't ever say anything.

GF cheese toast and Coffee

He then stepped on a small drop of water in the kitchen. He fell apart, stripped off his clothes and spent the next 40 minutes wailing that his pants were wet. If his pants pants had in fact been wet, or if he had in fact had anything else to wear, I would have let him change. That wasn't the case, unfortunately.


Then this afternoon Sam and Nate got into Tyler's room and dumped an entire bottle of cologne on themselves.
If you have ever been pregnant you know how sensitive your sense of smell becomes. I now have a migraine.

Blessings

I want to write about my heart and my longing for Emma. Knowing it's been so long since my body held hers, so long since she was a part of me physically, makes it difficult not to. I feel like not placing those words down does her a disservice, like I am somehow negating her existence. Right now, I just can't put the words in place. I am simply having an "I Miss Emma" kind of day. I need to keep this inside for now, baby this feeling, feel it completely...alone. I may write on it soon, I may never write on it, and that has to be OK.

Today I am focusing on my blessings, the many wonderful blessings I have in my life. I think Emma would have liked that as well.

Sammy turned 8 yesterday and we went out to dinner. We had the most amazing time. Everyone behaved and not one meltdown was had (not even my own). He chose the place with the peanuts, after being talked out of Taco Bell. I was able to relax and enjoy our family and celebrate a wonderful day. Sam really wanted to sit on the saddle and have everyone say happy birthday! It was all he talked about all dinner long. After explaining that they wait until your done eating (mistake) he decided he was done. We did convince him to eat just a little more though.

Daniel has been struggling with major leg pain for a few months now. His blood work showed a few issues and we assumed he had Lyme. He took the meds and still did not get better. We started to fear the worst. We worried that he may have a tumor that was causing swelling and pain. After an MRI we have just been told he tore a tendon! OUCH. While this is certainly painful, it's not cancer.

My AJ, just started soccer for High School...so much for the kid who had a hard time learning to walk!
Tyler goes into his senior year.
Nate has discovered a passion to learn everything he can.
Grace can sign so many words...good, thank you, thirsty, done, dog, shoes, cookie, help, more, hair, eat and water. She loves to talk and seems to really understand everything.
This is week 13 with squish. the next few weeks are going to be really hard to get through. I am trying to enjoy each day I have squish with me.
And, while I could be just sad and heartbroken that Emma is not here in my arms, she is my heart. She was a part of my body for 14.5 weeks and she will be part of my heart forever. I pray she knows me when we meet in heaven, because I will be looking for her

For I Am

My dearest boy,
 
   Today you are Eight. Eight!

      I am not sure where the last 8 years have gone or how we possibly have arrived at this point.  I want you to know how very proud of you I am. You have come so far and accomplished so much. I love you more than words could ever express.

    From the very moment you were placed in my arms I was deeply enamored with you. The brightness of your soul was unmatched in any child I had ever seen before. I spent hours staring at you and breathing you in.

    You ran with such energy as a toddler. you climbed everything around you including an 8 foot backstop at only 8 months old. I should have known then you were extraordinary.

    Minutes turned into hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks...months...years. Here we are now.
    You have your challenges and it can sometimes challenge our connection. I hope someday you read this blog and see how very much I love you. Don't ever doubt that every choice I have made was for you. I love you you Sam I am more than I can even find the words to express. I adore you, simply because you are awesome and amazing to me, even on the bad days. You are filled with awesome like no one I have ever met.

I promise you I will always be on your side. I am in your corner like no one else. You are my gift, and I hope someday you feel as though I was your as well.
   Thank you for being my son.

Love,
     Mom

I Can't Stop The Train

Sammy's birthday is coming.Last year for the first time ever he was aware of his birthday and seemed to enjoy it. He kind of gets the concept of age and getting older. He knows a birthday means he picks his dinner for that day. Birthdays here are always bittersweet. It's hard not to be aware of where we should be.

Over the past year I have felt God working on me more than Sammy. I have felt him nudging me in directions I wasn't ready for. So much has changed in the last few years.

I spent a lot of time railing against autism and being so angry. I personified it and hated it. I was hurt and sad all the time. I felt like I was fighting for my son's life and because I was so busy fighting I disconnected from Sammy in ways I swore I never would. What I found was that the more I released my connection, the worse things got here. After a few really hard months where we considered hospitalization and medication, I stepped back. I looked around and I wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. I was so absorbed with his "issues" that I forgot he was a person. I forgot he was my baby, just like all the others. I forgot who he was outside the autism. I let autism consume him and me!

How could I let that happen? Wasn't this what I was fighting against?

I have never prayed so hard in my life as I did after that moment of realization. I cried bitterly hoping that my dear boy would forgive me. He of course did. I am still working on forgiving myself however.

What I see now is very different. I can't really put it into words in a way that makes sense yet. I have been trying to write this post for days now and it wouldn't take shape until today.

So who do I see when I look at my boy.

I see an almost 8 year old with fluffy blonde hair and blueberry eyes. He has a wonderful gap between his front teeth that makes me giggle when he smiles. I see a boy that is so strong and well built that each muscle has perfect definition. I see a boy who has learned to ride a bike and conquered (mostly) his fear of water. I see a boy who is learning to read and write. I see an amazing young man with a thousand possibilities that I didn't think existed for him. I see my boy, my sweet angel of a son, with the power of God in him, because he too, was fearfully and wonderfully made. I see a boy with potential and charisma and an absolutely wacky sense of humor. I see the gift God intended him to be, with autism. It is exactly who he is. Yes, Sammy is autistic, and blonde, and tall, and well built and amazing.

So his birthday will come this year and it will go. I may feel sad even though I try not to. It's OK, God's not done with me yet, thankfully.
there will still be days and times that I will rail against the issues. there will still be times where I fight and cry and kick and scream. I hope you all won't hold it against me. At least now the difference is...

Sam and I are on the same side.

FIRE

I don't know if I have mentioned my dear friends Mr and Mrs G. They are so fantastic. I don't know what I would do without Mrs G. I guess you could say she is my best buddy. She gets the chaos here and never judges. She understands Sammy better than most. She's loving and considerate and just plain awesome! Ohhh and she makes some amazing food!

Well Mr. G is a firefighter in our community. Sammy has begun to obsess over firefighters,emergency vehicles, 911, police and everything related. My darling friend Mr. G (who I went to school with) let Sammy try on his turn out gear.

Isn't he the cutest thing? I love this picture. Can you see the happy in him. This moment made the rest of the day easy to get through. It was Grace's birthday party and that is always hard for Sammy. He did wonderfully and talked about this for hours after.

birthdays

This post has been playing on my mind all week. the wording,the structure. How I can make it not sad or melancholy. How I can make the post happy and upbeat. It's a birthday I should be so happy to have a healthy child. I should be amazed at all he can do. right? It should stop there. For parents of NT kids ... it does. But for those of us in Autism Land we all know it doesn't. Every birthday, though much celebrated, is bittersweet. I wanted this to be a bubblegum post about happy birthdays wished and proud moments of sunshine. I wanted this post to not have to even exist. Here I sit with my coffee in hand and tissues ready. Because even after years of facing my demons with Sammy and slaying the dragon, my heart still breaks into pieces each year when he turns a year older. So forgive me this will not be one of those posts full of sunshine and rainbows. Perhaps because it comes at the end of summer, when we have been holding Sammy together using Duct tape for 3 weeks, after summer program.Perhaps I am just still angry. Who knows.

Sammy doesn't seem to age the way other kids do. While he gets taller and his shoe size changes, his mind set doesn't change as much. He seems much the same Sammy year after year. There are changes, some I never thought would happen. Things I thought we would never accomplish and mountains I never thought we would conquer.  The road has been rocky and steep. I am tired, and he doesn't even know how far he has come. He knows he has autism. he has no idea what that means and he is trying so hard to figure out what it means for him. He understands it makes him different, and we tried to make it positive. For some I guess it can be,but he struggles so much with day to day normal stuff. I just want to whisk him away and make it alright.

He is Seven now. Seven! It's hard to believe that this boy is more than half way to 10! He ages about 6 months developmentally for every chronological year he passes. we are up to about 3.5/4 years of age in his thought process. Mind you this isn't ability. He can do a ton of things most kids his age do and I will post more on that later.  However in his head Sammy is on much the same page as Nathaniel. In some ways Nate is even beginning to pass Sammy. Baby Nate (as he is affectionately nick named) is quickly becoming the big brother, getting Sammy's toys and coat, helping him find his shoes, and get dressed. Nate protects Sammy all the time. It breaks my heart.

my camera died mid song

He chose his birthday meal of Chicken Pie, lettuce (not salad) and dressing and cake(with berries). We went to the store just the two of us and Grace. He pranced through the produce, touched every carrot before picking one and wanted to put chocolate chips in the pie. He smelled every box of strawberries. He picked out the chicken and shook the blueberries so hard I had about 20 squished ones in the box when we got home. He smiled and told each person that passed "it's my birthday I'm having chicken pie" I heard it about 5 dozen times. I came home, we made the meal. He played video games ( a big no-no if the sun is up here) but since it was his birthday he was allowed and I had a glass of wine. We had a slight meltdown over the games being done for dinner, but then something amazing happened... Sammy came to the table and served everyone both salad and pie. Each time asking "would you like chicken pie? would you like lettuce, not salad,just lettuce" I never thought when we set out on this journey that this could happen. He was so present, so open. His windows were Wide open and I could feel the breeze. Thank you God for the breath of fresh air after these past two weeks I can use it.

I love my son. I want so many wonderful things for him but I hurt. my heart breaks and some days I wish it could just be easy. Some days I hate autism. Some days I want to punch autism in the face. I am angry, it's like an 8th person in the house who steals birthdays and sunshine and kicks puppies. I hate it! However I love my Son. He is amazing. and he shows me everyday that I take myself too seriously. He has helped me let go and smile again. He is amazing...and now He's seven

birthdays and bike rides

Sammy turned 7 this week. Seven! where did the time go?