Goodbye Too Soon.

A friend very dear to me has suffered a terrible loss. A life Gone too soon. I see people saying that they don't understand how things like this happen. How can one person feel so hopeless.

I understand too well exactly how someone gives up all hope.



22 years seems like long ago and far away.
I was 14.
I was lonely. I felt like I had no friends.
I was emotionally unstable.
I was self abusive
I was anxious all the time.
I was angry all the time.
I was sad all the time.
I would cry for no reason. Sobbing.
 A friend of mine took his life over a girl. I still remember my friend Kevin telling me in the band room. I was sitting on the left hand side of the stage. He was behind me when I asked him what was wrong. He told me.

I don't remember the rest of the day.
It was as though my brain shut off and I just couldn't function. That kind of emotional disconnect can be scary for a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was isolated and scared and numb.

It started to make sense to me. I was drowning in a giant sea of despair.

Now I know those were all warning signs but back then I had no idea that I was in the process of a breakdown.
That weekend I took a bunch of pills.
I distinctly remember the clock in the car on the way to the hospital. 5:55pm.
I remember thinking make a wish.

"Dear God, please, please just let me die"

The next thing I remember was an incompassionate doctor shoving a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. I remember talking to the woman from the mental health ward as I threw up the charcoal they were pushing into my belly. I remember her asking me if I heard voices. I remember wanting to punch her.

22 years seems like a long time.

Years later. I drove my car into the water at Jone's Beach.
Again I had lost my focus. I was getting divorced. I was loosing everything. I had no job. I had no money. I had no pride. I had just lost Emma. I was broken. I was raw. I was tired of fighting th demons that chased me all hours of the day and night. I felt unlovable. I felt lost. I felt unworthy of the air around me. I was saved by an Angel.
I was 24. That was 12 years ago.

In those 22 years I have given life to 6 amazing children.
I have married the man of my dreams.
I don't know that those 22 years have had much more impact than that on anyone but me.
But, these days I know that nothing is so hopeless that it cannot be fixed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is lost forever. It may feel dark and cold where you are. It won't always be that way.
These days I have FAITH and TRUST in His Grace and His Glory.

I make this promise to those of you reading this. I am here. If you ever feel as though you don't matter. If you ever feel like there is no way out. I am here. Talk to me. I promise I will be there.
Because I do understand.
I have been there.

Conflict and Chaos

I feel sad. Of course I knew I would on a human level, but I wasn't prepared for the conflicted feelings I am dealing with now. I am looking back on things in a very different light. I know we both did what we did because we both felt we were doing the right thing. We both acted out of love for the boys, even if we were coming from wildly different places.
 She did teach me a lot.

 She taught me how to sew. She bought me my first sewing machine and sewing box. I still remember her patiently teaching me how to read the pattern for the pig costume I was making AJ. I still have that sewing machine and sewing box. I still smile when I look at it. I always have, even when things were dark.

 She helped me discover fine dining. I cringe when I think back. She took me to a nice place for my "last meal" before Tyler was born and I ordered a filet mignon. We were at a place in Fall River on the water. I ordered my steak well done! Oh if I had only known.

She taught my older boys to swim. I don't know how and my older two are absolute fish! They loved her pool and her hot tub. Looking back on that, it was a wild experience for them. It was something I didn't have the capacity to give them.

She once sent a giant... I mean GIANT bag of stuff from her store. Crafty things and doohickies. Little cups and butterflies. I loved it. I still haven't used all of it. It was a really thoughtful thing for her to do. That was while things were going well with all of us. She braved 100* heat to see the boys play despite it taking a toll on her.

She gave me my first car. A ford Mustang convertible that I LOVED driving. I felt so bad ass in that thing. I will never forget driving to work in Acushnet, just a little too fast, and spinning it all the way round on a sand patch.

She placed the most obnoxious crying baby mat under my feet at the baby shower for Tyler. It made me so frustrated at the time.

She patiently tried to teach me to wrap gifts. She even secretly had me wrap my own one year. I was terrible at it. I still am. She loved Christmas though. She was always like a big kid. The cookies and the egg nog to decorate the tree. The burned batch and one broken ornament each year. We still do the cookies and egg nog here. There was this bubble bear that was possessed too.
The hours she spent lovingly putting out her village and decorating. I don't have that patience at all.

I guess those things make me sadder than I thought they would.
But most of all...
She loved those boys. Loved them like they were her own children. And really, that is always a win in my book

True Forgiveness-

There are people in this world that break parts of who we are and challenge us in ways that change the trajectory of who we become. They inject something into our character, be it good or bad, and it becomes part of us. We don't always have a choice, and it doesn't always feel good, but it is still part of our being. It shapes how we grow, learn, relate, and feel.

Sometimes those things are awful and tear apart the person you are. They break you. They wound you.  And yet, in the darkness, there is still forgiveness.

Seeing the pain in my children's eyes as they embark on the loss of someone they love is difficult. It hurts to sit back and watch them as they maneuver the unforgiving  clock that just keeps ticking faster. There is no turning back. I am saddened by their loss of time, their loss of love, and their loss of innocence. I am saddened at a life being torn from this world so painfully. So soon. Without reparations made. I am saddened that this poor woman and her family , of which I was once part, are hurting.


I want to remain angry and recount every misdeed. I want to be spiteful and not care.

That is not who my Savior created me to be. I have chased those shadows for years and many days before this journey, I forgave the hurt. I moved past it because, people don't behave poorly because they are happy and healthy inside. People that inflict pain do it because they hurt inside. Because  they are broken and want the world to be broken beside them. they do not want to be alone.

Despite the madness and evil . I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I release it all. I will continue to pray. I will continue to support my children.

As a child that comes before our Savior and asks for forgiveness, so I go before him and ask for mercy. Not for myself but on behalf of her. Because Lord,  I finally understand. Any animal, when wounded enough, will strike. I refuse to let myself become part of the spiral.

When You Miss Someone.

When someone you love dies suddenly it changes things inside your heart forever. It leaves a black hole inside your heart that swallows up the air in the room when you go near it. It takes all the energy from you, just for a moment, every time it crosses your mind.

That is how it feels to loose someone you love when you haven't been able to say goodbye.

It's been 4 years since he passed. I remember the phone call of my dear friend crying hysterically. I remember sitting on my couch on South Main, it was blue with white diamonds. I remember the smell of my grilled cheese sandwich burning. I remember feeling like I couldn't get to her fast enough to wrap my arms around her. I remember shopping for his suit to bury him in and buying socks for him. He deserved socks with no holes... and shoes.

I just miss him so much.

He loved me even when I was a mess, no matter what.

I saw him just days before he died. He was down by the Common Park. I didn't stop because I didn't have time. that eats at me.

He had children that loved him. Oh how he loved his family. Despite everything, he always loved them. He was so proud of the three of them.

I miss his crooked smile. I miss him forcing me to eat cake. I miss him hugging me so tight I couldnt breath. I miss the silliness that was a giant part of him.  I just miss him.
Without him there is a giant hole in my heart.

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)

Humble

January 10, 2013

I woke up and came downstairs today to a sink full of dishes and a full dishwasher. A clear sign my oldest boy had chosen to skip his chores. It's a known pet peeve of mine and it took everything I had to not come unglued. I may or may not have even burst into tears at least once, to which Grace responded by kissing me.

Sam has been spewing negativity in wild tangents that go on for 15-20 minutes at a time. It really wears on you after while.

II have been listening to my Dale Thomas CD and so all morning I kept hearing "it's your choice" in my head. Now I am not so sure of how much is really my choice and how much is simple bio chemistry that creates OCD. I took a bunch of deep breaths and relaxed and decided to just start at the beginning and go from there. I got the kitchen cleaned up and finally had my cup of coffee at 10am.  Needless to say it wasn't the best morning.

I didn't feel very blessed. I just felt tired and frustrated. I felt like once again I came up short because I should be able to somehow do it all, even 8 months pregnant. I somehow have this ridiculous idea that I should be Donna Reed. Grace was cranky and I was edgy and I kept trying to make the choice to keep it together and count my blessings.
I didn't want to write about feeling gratitude or feeling blessed. I wanted to wallow.

then I saw THIS post on Facebook and my perspective changed. Here I was feeling sorry for myself over a sink full of dishes and a facebook friend had lost her son. Her 8 year old son. He suffered through debilitating pain and illness for way longer than anyone should ever have to, never mind a child.

So today I am grateful that I can hug and kiss all my kids even when they don't do their chores, Even when they leave their stuff on the floor, Even when they roll their eyes and talk back because my kids are all still here.  We all know it can change in a moment.

If you can, take a moment and say a prayer for Kyle's family.

Rethinking it All

I was sitting here today having a little pity party for myself. Sam has been a bear lately and full of anxiety and stress. I was thinking about all the Christmas-y stuff we just can't do because Sammy can't handle it. I was pouting over the gifts I can't afford and all the stuff that isn't done. I sat here  upset because my children didn't finish their chores and I am STILL drowning in laundry. Frustrated at the aftermath of the flooded basement and my cumbersome belly that just hinders the clean up effort. I was angry that Christmas wasn't going to be "perfect" I was wallowing. Not pretty but it is true.

Then I caught a Facebook status about Connecticut and a shooting. I assumed it was more of the same insanity that goes around this time of year. Someone lost their job and lost their crap and as a result something bad happened. I however was not prepared for what I found. A school, an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, for kids 5-10 years old was at the center of the story. Possibly 27 people killed, more than half of them likely children.


I am sick to my stomach. I can't wrap my head around the tragedy that will ripple through the US over this senselessness. The families that lost a child, or other loved one, the first responders, and the survivors aren't worried if the trim in their kitchen is painted in time for Christmas.

Suddenly it doesn't matter that my tree hasn't been decorated, or that the walls need to be painted.It's irrelevant that they won't get super special gifts or see the lights at Lasellete. It doesn't matter if the laundry isn't done... it's never done anyway.

It made me really rethink about what is important this year and what I need to focus on. I am rethinking it all and changing my plan.
I will cuddle with the kids tonight no matter how cranky and miserable they have been. I don't care if their chores are done, I don't care if the laundry beeps. It. Can. Wait. because these guys are growing up far too quickly and they won't still be there later. I am sure the parents of those children are wishing they could do the same.