Bittersweet

Let me very clear. I am proud of Sammy and who he has become. I am amazed by Sammy and everything he is. I love him so much that it hurts to try and quantify it.

But it is often hard. It is usually a challenge. It is always just a little extra effort.

It's Sammy.

My rainbow boy.
The boy who smiles from inside out even if he doesn't ever smile back at me. He loves to hug me these days and always asks "Why do you smell so good there Mommy?"  He tells me now that he has big feelings. He cries from sadness now as well. It isn't just angry and happy. But , he still has some of the most annoying stims (currently a screech), he calls names when he gets even a little bit angry, and he hits. He makes me so angry sometimes that I want to run away from home. Just take the itty bitty and go far far away. But to think about life without him makes my eyes burn and my throat catch. He is after all my rainbow baby ...right?

He has taught me so many incredible things. Far more than I have taught him. He frustrates me beyond belief and makes me so very proud every day.
Some days, like today, it's hard to breath. The weight of life with Sam  can often feel like falling into an endless hole filled with jello.
Green Jello.
My Nemesis.

What is the alternative though?
Life without? I know what that is like to some degree. I don't have my Emma with me.

Sam Blowing out the candles

So my Darling Rainbow Boy,
Please know I love you with all that I am. Every moment. Every breath. Every second of every single day. Forgive me for the tears that fall because sometimes the bittersweet of it all is just too much to hold inside.

Emma's angel Dan Bought in 2010 for me

My Dearest Emma,
Please know that even though i spend the day laughing and celebrating you are also so very close to my heart. Know That I love you as well, though I never held you in my arms. There will always be empty space where your hand belong in mine, silence where your name belongs on my lips, and longing in my arms for you.

Happy Birthday My Sunshine Boy Sam and Dearest Emma.
today we celebrate all that you are.

New Beginnings

This week we passed the anniversary of Sam's diagnosis. I thought about it and considered writing about it, but I chose to focus on something else. It was 2007 when the word autism connected to Sam and we have come so far since then. It hardly seems like the same life honestly. Most Days. Other days It's still just as bad but with a bigger child to control, and that can be hard. The difference now isn't so much him , though he has made huge leaps the past few years, it's me. I understand more of what makes him tick. It took me 8 years to figure out just a small slice of what makes Sam I am who he is.

I am working so hard at focusing on advent and my heavenly father that I am making a conscious choice to not dwell on it right now.  Something amazing occurred to me this year Sam's anniversary of his diagnosis falls on the feast of St. Nicholas. Sometimes gifts come in packages  wrapped with shiny paper and beautiful bows, others simply fly under your radar. Maybe that is how it is for us.  Sam is a gift to all of us, even on those difficult days that make me cry. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones you least expect.