I Promise You - I know

I can be high a little high strung at times. I worry about a lot of things. Crazy things. Things I won't go into tonight.

But I try really hard not to put that on my kids. I like to sit back and let them be free.
I have been catching a bit of flack for it recently and I just feel like I need to be clear with something.

I promise you, I know most of what is going on. Some things get by my, as they do all of us. But we deal with things as they come up.

The world will not end because my son refuses to cut his hair, or my daughter wants to shave hers. I promise it wont make either of them serial killers or out of control teens. What it will do is make them feel heard.

I will sit back at the playground and allow my one year old to climb and jump where she pleases. If no one is waiting I will even let them go up the slide.

Or in our case , up anything they decide to climb (as long as it isn't destructive.) I promise they wont decide they don't ever have to follow rules, it might just give them discernment to know when to follow the rules and when to just let go.

It is't because I don't care. It isn't because I am unaware. It is because I trust them to know their limits. That seven year old on the monument has been climbing everything he could fit his pudgy toes in for as long as he could balance. Because, he learned how to balance and trust himself. He learned that risk is good.

I stood so close and silent when they were little. To catch them just in case they fell. Sometimes they did. Sometimes there was blood, tears, and fear. Through that , they learned their bodies and their boundaries and as a result they can be just a little more free.
isn't that we all miss from childhood. The feeling of being free?

 Because, that childhood freedom is fleeting. They grow up so very fast. I want them to enjoy these years even more than I do. Because in the end, I am not raising cattle, I am loving children.

Just for The Fun

Sammy's backpack and lunch box both broke this week so tonight we went off to find another.He graduated this past year away from the fire engine red back pack that listed his allergies. I finally trust the school and the nurse to get it right. They are fantastic with it. So this is the first year he has had a "real" back pack and lunch box.

He of course picket a loud brightly colored backpack that makes me cringe but He was happy with it. It also has an insulated area so we didn't need to buy a separate lunch box for him to put his bento box in. So excited about that.

He did look at the lunch boxes and tried to convince us to buy a giant 3 person cooler for his lunch box. Ummm yeah ... no.

He and Dan tried on silly hats and listened to music and Sam got to ride on Daddy's shoulders.

It was a nice night out  for an hour.

Back To School

January 2, 2013

I am SO Grateful Sam is back in school today.

 This vacation disregulation has been horrid for him. Every upswing moment we have had was eclipsed by darkness and tears.  It is quiet, Well as quiet as it can be with 2 littles still home. The stress load is far less I feel like I can breath again. I miss having him here and I hate the entire process of getting him out the door each morning, including walking to the clod bus stop giant and pregnant. However, 7 1/2 hours of knowing I will not have to restrain a child, break up a fist fight, or hear screaming and swearing. I will take it.

Fear, Focus, and Moving Forward.

Yesterday was hard. Not in the "I can't do this  because I might die" sort of hard, but the "remain in the moment and be OK" kind of hard. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembered day is never easy and it brings the flood of emotions I am never really prepared to handle. Adding into that a few of my dear friends have just lost babies as well, and I am pregnant now so I was a wreck yesterday. Sammy had a rough day, Nate had a rough day and baby was like velcro on a wool sock. My guess is that they felt my stress and emotions.

Sammy also had his bake sale yesterday for kids with cancer. he sold out in just 2 hours and made 36$. I have never seen that boy glow like he did yesterday. He went over to people at the football game to tell them about his fundraiser. Daddy went and helped him get the right words but he did it himself.

So we have been trying to figure out where to send the money and I think we have it figured out. Just a little more checking into things first.

I ended my day with a candle burning for Emma, for my friends, and family. I ended the day with dry eyes and full arms. I ended my day blessed beyond belief , peaceful but sad because I know my sweet girl would have fit in this family perfectly and I will miss her forever. I ended my day cuddled between my three youngest kids with Squish dancing inside my belly and all I could think was "how blessed I am to know, that even the end is not really the end. That what lies beyond me is more powerful than anything I could wrap my head around. I am blessed with all I have. I am surrounded by light and love."

I am going to let that be my focus as I move forward.

In My Power

As a mother parent you do whatever you have to to protect your children. You walk through fire, across broken glass, and leap tall buildings in a single bound (OK so maybe that's Superman), but you get the picture. It's our job to take care of it, to make it happen, and to fight what needs to be fought. What happens when the person hurting your child, IS YOUR CHILD? What am I supposed to do with that?

This time of year is hard for Sam. On the plus side he did get a behavior report from last week telling me he was doing fantastic. He was working hard and redirecting well. Then Friday is began to fall apart, by Saturday it was a disaster. I began to rethink everything. By Sunday he had hurt himself. His little arm bruised and his nail bed raw from picking and chewing. It was still escalating and I knew it would get worse before it got better. Monday night we had to restrain him in order to keep him from really hurting himself or someone else.A year ago I would have felt like this was the end of the world, but thanks to "My Ponytail" I have been keeping data on Sam for years. (It's normal ...for him. Every year we struggle from the week after his birthday until Christmas, then it gets really bad until after April Vacation. After that it is great until about June, and then we fall apart again until school is done. )

He went to school today, he had a rough day and would not redirect. I hate homework time but I was able to get him to do some of it. He seems a bit better tonight so we may have turned the corner for this run of bad things. I can hope.

As I watched him tonight nibbling the apple crisp I made for desert I couldn't help but think about how far we have come just to get here. I look at the remains of the last four or five days, the bruises, the broken toys,   and the fluttering of his fingers in his lap and all I can think is that I would do anything to protect him, but I just can't protect him from himself.

Mud Pies and Mondays

We have started filling barrels with rain water for the garden. The kids love watching the barrels fill. They really love grabbing out buckets to feed the plants a drink. Sammy knocked it over. 30gallons of water down the driveway. It resulted in a huge puddle of mud. Big enough for Sam and Nate to lay down in it. They covered themselves in it. Nate filled his pockets with mud ,so that it ran down his legs. They doused themselves in it and played so happily   He had the neighbor girl cover his head and back in it. They filled buckets with it. I soaped them up and hosed them down to clean them off. They giggled and laughed and enjoyed every single minute. Then after they dried off, Nate  went back into the mud once more.. I remember mud as a kid. The soft silty feel of  it in your fingers, on your hands. The squish of the warm summer mud between your toes. The smell of the earth and the clean. Dirt has always smelled clean to me. I may or may not have even put my own feet into the mud with them.

It brought me back to a childhood spend in my grandparents back yard. Digging in the garden and pulling up rocks. Playing with earth worms and centipedes beneath the willow. It reminded me of my grandmother bringing out giant pots of boiling water to add to the pool so we wouldn't catch cold. It brought me back to the melted ice cream running down my arm, my aunt Angie bringing me milkshakes from across the street and Vavoo teaching us how to pop the grapes in our mouths without the skin. It brought me back to a simple time when time didn't exist and all that mattered was how much sunlight was left to the day. Authentic Childhood. It's what I want for my children. I want them to think back and feel the sun on their face and remember the smell of the air. I want them to know they were lucky to enjoy the sunshine. That boys can make pretend soup and girls can play in the mud. I want them to know it's ok to get dirty and have fun and climb fences. I want them to remember their childhood with passion and rainbows.I want them to look back and remember happy sunlit afternoons,warm starry nights, and every single moment in between.  

I don't want them to loose the happiness they create because they grow up. I don't want them to forget how amazing it all can be. Please Lord help us all to remember what fun it can be to simply make mud pies.