I'm Not Home Yet

This song sparks hope in me. It reminds me that no matter how much suck I have going on right now I am not home. this isn't the end. This isn't what it's about. I am bringing my suffering to the cross and taking rest in him. I try to remember to offer it up for those around me that are hurting and suffering. (thanks for the reminder my friends) In him, With him, and Through him I will find rest. Maybe not while my physical body walks this Earth, but some day.

But I still miss me. I miss the me that felt the sunshine. I miss feeling joy! Not just everyday joy, but the kind of joy that makes your eyes burn with the happiness you cannot contain.
I miss looking around and feeling like my life is a breath of air that fills my lungs. 

I miss the sunshine.

I miss the warmth.

I know I will feel those things again logically. But right now, it feels so hopeless. So impossible. 

It makes me angry.

I should be happy. I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am so blessed! I have amazing kids. a handsome, caring, superhero husband. I have a house that fits us, a yard to play in, and clothes to wear. I have food to eat. I have people praying for me.

Yet, I feel undeserving. I feel selfish for feeling so sad. 

Because I shouldn't feel this way.

I feel like a failure.

But I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. I belong to HIM, and I belong in the light.The Lord didn't make me to cry and cower. He made me to shine.
It's going to take a while, but I have to believe I will get there somehow.

Friday in Lent

Fridays seem to bring extra practice for patience during Lent. It never fails that on Fridays during Lent I find my job as a mother overwhelming. I remember last year speaking to a friend about how crazy I was feeling one day.  She clued me in to the work God does in us during this time. It's especially easy for him to come into our hearts when we are open. When we are sacrificing for him during lent we are practicing obedience and hopefully growing closer to Him.

Lent opens us up for lots of soul work.

It's no mystery I have been working on not yelling this year. I do mostly ok for a few weeks at a time. Then something breaks or spills and I loose my crap. I beat myself up a lot on the inside over my perceived failings. I have some crazy baggage from years ago that I still haven't worked through entirely. So when something spills or breaks I feel so out of control over it that I flip out.
I am slow. But I am learning my triggers.

Today alone has been one mess after the other.
spilled coffee
discovering so sugar
discovering no cream
spilled flour
spilled dirt
broken glass
missing sponge (dang cat)
laundry
extra laundry
potty misses
sugar messes
marker messes

all before noon.
Instead of loosing it I stayed calm. I even managed to snap a picture!

covered in powdered sugar

But I am trying.
How is your Lent going?

I use to write

I use to write poetry...

Many moons ago when I still felt like a whole person. Before my life was consumed by the fire of my children, I would write pages and pages of stories and poetry. I used it to express the disappointment in my life and the fear I felt every waking moment. It's been 8 years since I have written any real poetry. I just don't FEEL the same level of sadness and desperation I did back then. I never learned how to write happy poems.

So much has changed in the last 8 years. So many things are so far from where they started.

I still don't know if it is mostly good or mostly bad.

Sometimes, I don't have the answers.

 What do you do when you don't have the answers? What happens when you can't fix it, when you can't help and there doesn't seem to be a solution? All I know is the question, and it's the same one I always have

"How do I help Sam NOW?"

Third grade is hard. Harder than anything he has ever had to do and for the first time he WANTS to do well with it. He is just so frustrated. He told me today they just learn too much too fast. He also told me that when he gets overwhelmed he stims on his shoes. Sam has never been a huge stim kid, though he does flap and such when he is stressed. I can't help thinking about my poor baby, so stressed at school. I worry that the kids will begin to tease him. Kids are mean, really mean. I remember what it was like being teased and it makes me sad for him. He wants to make friends but it is just so hard for him.

I wish there was a way to unlock his brain some days. Not to make him less autistic, but to make things easier for him. I know he would love to learn if we could just find the way to teach him that doesn't stress him out. I worry that if he continues to be so defiant in class that they will place him out of inclusion and into a contained classroom. He already has a ton of accommodations and modifications to help him through. He gets a ton of love and support from our team. In fact I LOVE his team and I KNOW they will help figure this out.

It could just be growing pains. Between the new school, change of season, new teacher,shorter days, upcoming baby,increased self awareness, and harder work, it may just take him longer to get into the groove.

So for now I am holding my breath every time the phone rings. Hoping and praying it isn't the school.

Out of Control

I have a case of the "Crazies". The Crazies start when I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. I have been feeling very out of control. There is a ton of clutter in the house that makes me feel like I am choking. It's physically painful for me when the house gets out of control. My OCD this pregnancy has been out of control completely. I have been so sick this time around that nothing is getting done right. It's making me crazy!

I just need one day where I feel good enough, happy enough, motivated enough, and mom enough to get it all done. I just need one day where I feel like I am failing a little less. Just.One.Day.

Instead I am struggling to get out of bed. My bedroom looks as though a hoarder lives here. My windows need to be washed and I am pretty sure there is a science experiment living in the back of my fridge.

It's days like today that make me feel like I am on the wrong path in life. That I have too many kids. Days like this make me feel like a failure.

I need a plan to fix this.

missing

just a warning this post is 100% irrational pity party. I apologize up front. you may want to skip this



As a mom it's my job to protect my babies. I can't seem to let go of the failure of it. I hear sirens and I  cant breath. I see an ambulance and I my heart races. I look at pictures of baby girl before and my heart just breaks into pieces. I just want to cry... but I can't. There are tears here and there, but nothing major.

My husband isn't over-reacting this way. It's just me.

before

I am so sorry. I feel like it's just one more failure, one more piece of this puzzle that I lost.It's just one more thing I can't make right, I can't control and I can't change. I can't take it back. I can't fix it. It's an endless loop in my head "damn it Annie, if you had taken her,if you hadn't just needed a minute. Why didn't you listen to the voice in your head that said PUT HER IN HER SEAT ?? then this would not have happened." That's all I can hear. I feel stupid feeling so sad. She's a rock star. She is doing so well I cant even put it into words. She doesn't pick or poke and she lets me cover it in medicine. It would be nice if she stopped picking up beads and trying  (and sometimes succeeding) to eat them.

I always said God didn't give me a girl because he knew I would screw it up. I would damage her. I laughed about it when boy number 4 was born. Look what happened, he gave me a girl and yup... I screwed it up.

after

I know it isn't logical or healthy or any of those good sort of emotions. It's been 12 days.  Shouldn't I be over this already? really? what the hell is wrong with me that I am still so stuck on this when no one else around me is. you can tell me it's the trauma of it or what have you but my husband was there too and he doesn't feel like this...

There is a tiny white line across her lip where it's starting to really heal. I can count each stitch on the outer layer of her skin. Tiny little dimples along the jagged bright pink line that no one can see in her pictures. It might as well be neon green in my eyes. All i see in it is the failure to protect my girl, the loss of what she was. Yet another hurdle she has to jump, like having me as her momma isn't going to suck enough, now she has a giant scar to remind her that momma didn't protect her.

Anxiously

I had to drive to work tonight. It was snowing. I hate driving in the snow. I know what your thinking "Why the hell does she live in New England?"
My family is here. I grew up here. the anxiety over the snow just started the last few years or so. It has gotten really bad lately. I find myself anxious or on edge a lot more than normal. Tonight was different.

The snow was unexpected. I thought it was done. I didn't go into work yesterday because I didn't want to get stuck up in Boston an hour from home in 6-8 inches of snow. Now to be fair Boston itself doesn't have a ton of snow, but it was night time and dark and snowing really bad.

I felt like I couldn't feel my fingers. I couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to throw up.I was crying and praying and begging God to not take me from my babies. I was sure if the snow didn't kill me the anxiety would. I wanted to pull over on the highway but I was closer to work then home at that point. I was terrified, my entire being was shaking. I kept screaming at the snow as it came down, tears streaming down my face. I found myself flapping my hand so much like Sammy does. In that moment everything froze.

OH MY GOD IS THIS HOW HE FEELS EVERY DAY??

I get it now. Sort of. I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around everything he feels. I get the anxiety. I have had panic attacks before, but this was different. this was like slamming my face into a brick wall. I couldn't stop it, I had to keep going even though every second hurt more. There was no way to get free from it, there was no way to make it better other than getting to the end of my trip. My poor boy , feeling that way every day , getting dressed and going to school. I got here and I shook so bad I couldn't even stand up! My poor sweet boy, I have lost my temper when he was melting down before. I have snapped and yelled. My God, I am so sorry. If anyone had yelled at me during that, I would have completely fallen apart.

If that is how he feels all the time, I think it may be time to consider medication. Maybe for us both.