Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.


525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?

To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!

She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.

When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.

 

When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.

Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.

And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable

She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.

And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.

She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.

Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.

She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.

Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.

At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 

Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.

I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.

I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.

Feathers in the Sun

We have an old down comforter someone gave to us years ago when they bought a new one. It's probably about 8 or 9 years old. It's soft and worn and so very cozy. It's also quite old.
It has a small tear that I tied together with a hair tie until I could get to it. It also has a bunch of smaller holes now because the cat loves to play on it and chase the poofs.

The kids were all in my bed the other day. I was so tired because Evangeline had a rough night. I wanted the kids to go play, or go to sleep, or go to college. or something!

then I saw it.

I giant fluffy feather. It was high above Grace and Evie and it was softly falling down. The sun danced over the small wisps of feather edge and it made me smile.

Suddenly those babies couldn't be small long enough. We blew that feather around and caught it and giggled.

I felt like I was right where I wanted to be and I wanted to stop time. I was so overcome with pride and joy for the life I have.

It isn't easy here. Most days it isn't even fun. But we are working on it. Even if it takes a feather in the sun to remind me

4 months!

it's been four months since Miss Evangeline joined us earthside and it's hard to believe it's gone by so fast.

baby #6 =26ish weeks

baby#6 - 32ish weeks

last picture of me pregnant with baby number 6. In labor and about 30 minutes before she joined us Earthside. I wish I was one of those people that loved being pregnant, but I just don't.

I feel like a stuffed sausage with teeth when I'm pregnant. But I love babies. I really really LOVE babies.

so it's worth it.

Hopefully it's a few more years before baby #7... if there is a baby number 7 

number one was Grace, number two was Nathaniel, and number three was Evie!

Linking up tonight with Shell over at PYHO and Rocking the Bump

One Month

It's been one whole month since Evangeline arrived earth side. Shes a spirited little thing. She loves to cuddle and snuggle up and she loves to stare at us.



We are so in love. We had her picture taken by a friend who has a photography business. Since my camera broke in the hospital and I have yet to settle on what I want. She fit us in on the fly even though she is super pregnant.

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)

Evangeline's Birth Story

I have to put it somewhere so I don't ever forget the awesome that was her birth


 had an apt with my midwife on Friday (39w2d) and baby was super low. It was getting difficult to walk around between the SPD and having such a low baby. We went over my birth plans which essentially came down to " don't touch me unless you need to or I ask for help" I laughed and told my MW that I would see her Sunday (my last 3 babies before Evie were born on a Sunday) I left and double checked my apt. for the next week and told the receptionist I likely wouldn't be there for it. I just really felt like baby was going to come very soon.

Saturday I didn't even have so much as a Braxton Hicks and I was not thrilled. I was starting to wonder if my intuition had been off. Sammy had a major behavior and as a result broke his brothers metal toddler bed. we decided to go shopping at an IKEA for a bed set I wanted for the boys to replace it. I had no idea that IKEA was like the Labyrinth and you couldn't get in and out quickly. The littles had a blast and we found what we needed. It took us hours to find the exit and then the lines were INSANE so we opted to leave without what we came for because at that point my hips hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I lost the remainder of my plug while walking around IKEA. We stopped at a Panera on the way home and I had half a sandwich but didn't really feel that hungry.

Suddenly I began to have a panic attack and I realized Baby would be coming sooner rather than later. I felt that way before each of my babies births. We went home collected the older children and went to church. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while and they were all asking when I was due. When I told them Wednesday but I felt baby was coming tonight everyone was excited. I felt especially anxious this time and asked our deacon and priest for extra prayers.

We got home and fed the kids and I just wasn't hungry.  Around 11 I started to feel some real contractions and really got nervous. I just felt like Something wasn't right and there was some sort of impending doom.  I started to feel hungry but everything I tried to eat made me gag. I was so mad that I didn't nap earlier because now I was tired and too keyed up to sleep.

I put on my birth music (full of eminem and fort major as well as some great praise and worship music) I sat on my ball and tried to be calm. I wasn't in any pain yet and the contractions weren't even time-able yet. I just wanted to nap and it was making me so mad that I couldn't. Around 1 am we called the midwife to let her know that yes I was in labor and would head over when I felt ready to. At about 130ish my legs started trembling and I started gagging after every contraction. The hospital was 25 minutes away and it was snowing so we called the midwife and let her know I was heading in.

I got in the car and prayed a rosary with my husband and that brought some relief of the fear and feeling something just wasn't right. I didn't have one single contraction in the car at all on the ride there. As soon as I got out of the car however I had one on top of the other across the parking lot into the ER.It was now just after 2 am.

I got up to L&D on my own without a wheelchair but had contractions every 10 feet. It felt good to be moving and to have something to focus on outside the fear. I got hooked up to the monitors and had my stress test (hospital policy) it felt nice to hear squish on the monitor and see baby was doing fine. it calmed my fears some thankfully. I was still gagging and puking after every contraction at this point. My MW checked me and said I was 4 stretchy to 6 so we were in business.there would be no other checks for the rest of labor! I got in the tub and it felt lovely for about 30 seconds.

I started to feel trapped in the water and wanted to get out it was now 3am. and my contractions were every 7 minutes or so, some worse than others. I was still feeling the need to pee every 5 minutes so I sat on the toilet and had a wonderful strong contraction. we listened to baby for a second and everything sounded great. I tried the ball but baby was so low it hurt. I could feel squish filling my hips at that point. I got something to help with my nausea since I couldn't stop gagging and it was making me crazy. I needed to stay hydrated if I wanted to avoid an IV. I decided to go for a walk and got about 5 feet from my room when I had to pee again. I tried a few more times to go for a walk but had to pee constantly. I felt like I had something prodding my bladder constantly.

I figured out that raising the bed and leaning over it felt awesome.The contractions weren't super painful except for the very peak of it. sometimes I pictured god hugging me. So I did that for the next few contractions it was now 345.I asked them to lower the bed so I could sit on it one contraction later I had to pee again and went over to the toilet. DH informed me that I had a bunch of bloody show on the pad on the bed. I figured I had about another hour or so to go . As I sat on the toilet I suddenly felt my body push and felt Squish slide down and I found myself growling. The midwife came in and checked just to make sure baby wasn't going to be born in the toilet.
SURPRISE!
There was baby crowned and ready to go. it was now 355

She asked if I could get up and I told her I couldn't move. Her and my Hubby picked me up and moved me to the bed where I asked to be I could not move on my own and they helped me position myself so that I could push when I was ready.The pressure was intense but not painful I felt full and slit in two along my pelvis. then my water broke as my body pushed on it's own again.. I remember saying "oh that took care of some of the pressure" then in the same moment baby came out with her hand by her face and she kicked at the same time. She flew out of me as the midwife tumbled her out of the cord that had corkscrewed around her body. 358

I looked and realized what I saw and asked " DID I JUST SEE BABY VAGINA?" (hows that for tact?!?)
baby was placed on my chest and latched right on. I squealed with absolute delight over baby. She was latched on cord intact for about 15 minutes. Then I cut the cord (first time in 6 babies) and about 10 minutes later the placenta came.

One Week

It's been one week with our newest member and already I feel as though I have known her a lifetime. From the moment I held her in my arms all of the trepidation I had been feeling the last few months disappeared  Nothing mattered in that moment as she cried on my chest.

I  feel like I have been waiting my whole life for her.

I remember feeling that way with Sammy. That similarity scares me to death.If the cards have been dealt I know they cannot be reshuffled.  There is still always that fear.

It's been one whole week and I am thoroughly in love with this little person who has taken over my lap. The boys are all puddles around her. They melt when she opens her eyes and look at them. Grace  is in heaven with her giant doll. She helps change diapers and sings Evie songs.

It's been one week of lifetime moments and I am so tired and sore. I am so blessed. I find myself with tears in my eyes over the sheer appreciation for my family.

Attachments

I watch my sweet girl Evangeline sleeping. I sit and drink in her scent like the worlds most expensive perfume. I barely put her down because without her my arms ache. They physically ache without her. I bury my nose into her neck, her skin is so soft.
 There were some serious complications following the birth. It was scary for my husband. My care provider handled it wonderfully. I felt cared for and safe despite being terrified  I don't feel traumatized.

I just feel blessed to be here. Blessed to hold my sweet girl. Blessed to see the connection happening between Sammy and his newest sibling. Nothing brings him out like a baby does. nothing. You can tell me that our kids cannot connect. You can show me the studies about autism and empathy. You can list any statistic you like but i KNOW better. He has a hard time connecting to me some days , but it's there. He never struggles to connect with his siblings.