Praying for Them

" I told myself that charity should not only be a matter of feeling but should show itself in deeds. So I set myself to do for this sister just what I should have done for someone I loved most dearly. Every time I met her, I prayed for her and offered God all her virtues and her merits. I was sure this would greatly delight Jesus, for every artist likes to have his works praised and the divine Artist of souls is pleased when we do not halt outside the exterior of the sanctuary where He has chosen to dwell but go inside and admire its beauty.
I did not remain content with praying a lot for this nun who caused me so much disturbance. I tried to do as many things for her as I could, and whenever I was tempted to speak unpleasantly to her, I made myself give her a pleasant smile and tried to change the subject. The Imitation says: "It is more profitable to leave to everyone his way of thinking than to give way to contentious discourses."
When I was violently tempted by the devil and if I could slip away without her seeing my inner struggle, I would flee like a soldier deserting the battlefield. And after all this she asked me one day with a beaming face: "Sister Therese, will you please tell me what attracts you so much to me? You give me such a charming smile whenever we meet." Ah! it was Jesus hidden in the depth of her soul who attracted me, Jesus who makes the bitterest things sweet!   pp. 126, 127"The Story of a Soul

We all have those people in our lives. The ones we don't like. The ones we can blame, whether it be righteous or not. We all have those people we would like to banish from our islands to protect our very own sanity. We all have someone to blame. Sometimes that person is staring back at us in the mirror, other times, it's someone with the worst representation of things we dislike in ourselves. Sometimes the person is just so broken that they cannot help but break everyone they come in contact with.  Sometimes, that person deserves our disdain and anger. We want to wish punishment on them. We want to hate them, and they deserve it.

It's so easy to blame and stay angry. I would prefer that entirely. Anger I can handle. I understand it, it's kind of my comfort zone really. Compassion has entered my life the last decade or so. Perhaps it's age and wisdom, or faith. Perhaps Jesus is working on those things in me that are unlikable. In the last 10 years he has smoothed out my edges. I am a work in progress like the rest of us.

I want to be angry. To me anger is like a warm wool coat or an old friend. I take comfort in my anger. It's familiar, safe, and easy.

What is a girl to do when God asks her to step outside of that anger and pain? What then?

You pray for them. That person that is the thorn in your side or knife in your heart. You take a moment and pray. At first it's through gritted teeth, with clenched fists. Despite how you feel. It's brutal and it makes you feel raw and vulnerable.

Then something changes.

You see them for what HE sees them. You see their lonely brokenness. You see the bird that has fallen from the nest. The nest we all worthy of. So you continue to pray, and somewhere along the line, your heart gets healed. Your wounds, your tears, your desperation all fade into the time between.

So you continue to pray... like it or not

How can it be THURSDAY already

How can it already be Thursday. How did my week fly by this way? Tonight is Tyler's graduation and this week has gone by much like the past 18 years. I can't believe its here. Every time I think about it I get a little more choked up. They aren't sad tears really. They are super happy tears.

I feel so blessed to have had the last 18 years with my boy. Our relationship is changing and I kind of like it. I am enjoying him more. The pressure is gone. I still take time to impart my "wisdom" on him but it just feels different.

I am enjoying this time right now. Every minute really. I will take what I can get, before you know it he will be in another state. I love him so much! I am so proud of him. He told me all about his goals and dreams for the future.  I have to say MY KID ROCKS!

I have the feeling of fleeting moments flying by, of knowing time is short, and of cherishing the moments we do have. I will take whatever I can get and make it worth it. Because, let's be honest, there never is really enough time.

His party is on Sunday at 1pm. My house. If you know where that is you're welcome to come by. We are planning a cookout and then a fire and manhunt after.


The young lady I use to watch is also graduating this weekend. I can't stand it! She has grown into the kind of young woman I want my girls to be. The right amount of sass and soft, intelligence and silliness, poise and whatever the opposite of that is!

So to all the graduates this weekend
Enjoy it. You only get to graduate high school and be 18 once. Live it up and be safe. Chase your dreams! And on your road of life remember those who have been there for you, those that love you, and those that taught you. Everyone else , shake from your shoes and move on

Today I am THAT mom

I should be doing lesson with Nate right now, instead he is watching Handy Manny. We are working on the letter Q. His birthday party was going to be this weekend, but I didn't plan well. So were going to reschedule. Today I am THAT mom that dropped the ball. I spent the first hour of the day beating myself up over things I need to do/ haven't done/ didn't finish.
Today I am THAT mom that lets her kids eat while watching TV even though it's against household rules. Today I am the one breaking the rules, not that my kids are complaining.

You see I am emotionally overwhelmed right now and in some kind of emotional shutdown.
All I can think is

I DON'T WANNA!!! I want to stamp my feet for good measure then curl up under the covers and make it all go away.

Today is Tyler's last day of school. LAST.DAY.FOREVER
yeah... ouch
My little boy is growing up and I can placate my already raw emotions by saying "well at least he doesn't have his licence yet" but that happens soon. Then

HE LEAVES

I am so proud.

Tonight, again, I will be that mom crying my eyes out  choking back tears at least until I get into the car as he goes off to prom. I am quite certain I will embarrass him, which is likely why he chose his girlfriends parents to give him a ride over his own mother.  Also why he wants to hang at her house after prom.
I am  won't be that mom that all the kids talked about in high school in that hushed whisper  "Did you see so-and-so's mom crying like a loon?!"
Because you see... for the last 18 years my goal was to get him here, without a baby, without stupidity, without drama. Now here it is 18 years later and he has done everything I hoped and more. The last 18 years were amazing, filled with concerts and projects at the last minute. Filled with tears and laughter and everything in between.I showed up every single day, even when I didn't want to. Because that's what a parent does, They show up. they fight the fight and they get it done.

Yeah. I'm still showing up today but in muted colors... Normally I am a bright color kinda mom. Today, I'm a pastel water color mom.
so today I will embrace being THAT mom. We will watch TV and play all day. I don't much care. I won't do laundry, or dishes. they can wait until tonight. Because as soon as I blink, it will be Evie's turn

Slipping By

My oldest boy graduates in just a few weeks and his prom  is Friday. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I have never felt quite so emotional about anything in my life.

Newborns and toddlers are hard work. the preschool years and school years aren't exactly easy either and JRHigh School  is usually totally wretched. High school goes by in a blink. It all seems like so much work every single day to get it done. The tantrums, the endless feeding (both newborns and teens), the drama, the heartbreak, the giggles and the fights. So many wonderful things go on in those years but it goes by so fast.

18 years ago I was graduating from High School myself. Tyler was at my graduation in a sweet green and white tux that someone bought for him at Silversteins. I graduated without any big deal (in fact I almost slept through it but my mom came by to wake me up) There was no big graduation party, there were no real presents ( I think my mom did get me a bracelet with my name on it though), it just wasn't a big deal.

Fast forward to now. I want it to be a big deal to Tyler I want him to have a blast and have a giant party. I want him to look back and remember how awesome all of this was.

I don't know if he will look back on life here with a smile or think "my Lord mom was NUTS" I am sure he will have plenty to complain about. Despite my best efforts I have made mistakes, I am, after all, human. I hope he can forgive me the slip ups and focus on all the things I did right. I hope he sees my intentions were always good. I hope he knows it's simply because I love him and truly want what is best for him.There are so many things I hope he remembers, and plenty I hope he forgets. I have no control over any of it.

I have done my very best to love him unconditionally. He has enough conditional love in other places in his life, he doesn't need that from me. I have always been there and that won't change , no matter where he lives. The selfish part of me wants him close, but the part of me that knows him and wants what is best, knows he needs to go there.

He leaves for New Jersey in just a few short weeks and I face my first summer without my boy. I can't imagine it will be easy, but I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this and he has earned it. I love seeing him succeed!
But I would be lying is I said  I wasn't sad, or worried, or scared. I think he is too.

I look at him and I see everything I hoped he would be the moment I held him for the first time. He is everything I wasn't. He is an amazing, strong, skilled, intelligent young man, and I hope to God I have taught him the right things.

We shall see

18 and Life

My Darling Son,

You are now an "adult" in the eyes of the law, but to me you are still the pudgy little boy in flannel pajamas. You've never moved past that in my mind really. It eventually all flashes back to you cradled in my arms minutes after you were born.  So be gentle with me young man as you spread your wings. You see you are learning to fly and I am trying to learn how to let go.

I will have far less control over the choices you make from this point. Not because I cannot exert my will but because, I choose not to. You my boy have proven yourself to be a man of character and of that I am beyond proud.

Your faith is the core of everything you have been taught. I know your faith is important to you and I am so proud of the way you live it everyday. You stand behind your words with actions that any mother would be proud of.

There will never be a shortage of advice from me I am afraid. While I may be letting you fly, I am still your mother. That same mother that screamed at your wrestling matches, laughed at your punchline-less jokes, and taught you to smile for pictures so you didn't look like you were in pain. I am also the same mother that slept on a couch for a year so that you had a bed and would do it again in a heartbeat. Don't ever be afraid to come to me if you need it.

So many young men your age are faltering and failing because being a young man in the world today is hard. Being a man of faith and conviction in times like this is even harder.

Remember your faith, your love, and everything in between and that my door and my heart is always open for you.

Good Choices

 Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade and it is no secret that we are very firmly pro life  in every way. 

I can understand the difficult decisions many women face and I don't judge those women in  any way. I feel sad that they were ever in that position. 18 Years ago I found myself in that very position. I was going to start my senior year of high school, I wasn't even 17 yet. I knew a few girls that had gotten abortions in my class. I thought about it for a split second, but I knew it was a baby and I knew I couldn't do it

All these years later I have an amazing boy that is going to very soon be an adult because I chose to have him.

It was the hardest choice I have ever made. It changed the trajectory of my entire life. It hasn't been easy . It has often been unpleasant and brutal and more difficult than I could have ever imagined. 

However, the rewards have been even greater. My son is an amazing kid. I am so unbelievably proud of him and I KNOW without any doubt that I made the right choice. I may not have been able to go to college like I had planned , or join the air force, or even just gone to a graduation party like everyone else my age. But this surpasses all of that in ways you can't possibly imagine. 

Concussed

January 9, 2013

Our oldest boy wrestles and I know I have mentioned before how very good at it he is. It's a rough sport for sure and injuries happen. We knew that going in.

Tyler is an Aspie and has learned a ton of great social coping skills  to the point where most people have no idea. He hides behind humor and silliness and it is one of the MANY things I love about that boy. As my oldest son we have a special kind of bond and we are very close. Ty tells me just about everything and he comes to me for advice. He is 17 and such a blessing to our family. He connects with Sammy in a way no one else can. My two spectrum boys really do get each other.

Tyler was at a meet this weekend and was dumped on his head, hard. He was rushed to the local hospital on a spine board complete with a neck brace. The trainer began to tell him they thought he might have broken his neck. I wasn't there, the meet was 2.5 hours away and Dan had to work. He must have been terrified.

But he is OK. He does have a concussion and he is off the mat for AT LEAST 14 days post headache, but he should be able to wrestle for sectionals. Right now we just want to protect him enough to get him there. Last year he broke his collar bone 2 weeks before sectionals and it ended his most promising season. He won't allow that to happen again and he is terrified it will.

I am so grateful for his coaches that make sure the kids are safe. We have an incredible staff and they all love the kids. Tyler has learned so much on the mat. One of the coaches is now Sam's coach too.

Someone asked how I can watch Tyler wrestle. It's simple. When your child has a passion for something, you watch. You endure crazy early morning rides to Dighton, PB&J for lunch each Saturday, cold toes, and aching backs from bleachers. You go and scream yourself hoarse, call out moves, and pray at the sidelines, because when your child has a passion, you support it even when you don't want to. This is the last sport I would have picked, but Tyler picked it and he excels at it. So I support him in any way I can.

I am blessed he wasn't seriously hurt  and that he can finish out his season chasing his dream and fulfilling his passion.

Transitions

Tyler's school has a new SPED director. She seems on the ball and forward thinking. She sent me a link for a transition fair at Taunton High, so I went.

I got a ton of amazing information on what to do for Tyler when it comes to college. I know he seems like he will be fine, but I don't want to assume. I want to set him up for real success. He is qulified for the Autism Division through DDS, and that will alow him to get services after high school. There are services for kids like him that will help him start his own business, get through college, and prepare him for life on his own.  I am suddenly even more excited about Tyler's future. 

There was a time in 7th grade when he was failing everything , and a time in 3rd grade, when I couldn't understand why it was so hard for him. I was so frustrated and scared for him. I was worried he wouldn't be ok. He has grown into such an amazing,strong, thoughtful young man. He is so good at wrestling. He is amazing when it comes to trees.

I found out there are a ton of college services at the local college. I have so much information to go through my head is just spinning! 

do I have to?

I hated homework as a kid.seriously it was like filing my own teeth with an emery board. I hated it so much. I decided I liked it by college but only because by then the OCD had tipped the scale in favor of neat written papers and straight lines.

My oldest son Tyler has Aspergers and at 16 is delayed only in the executive functioning skills (planning,organizing and follow through) and he does have a written language disability called Dysgraphia. For those of you that don't know what that is, it means his writing sucks. it's really bad. To this day at 16 he still spells red- R-A-D on paper. He knows it's red, he can do it verbally and he is not lacking by any means for intelligence. The signal gets jammed from his head to his hands. We tried an assisted technology eval a few years ago and found something called http://www.gingersoftware.com/  A minor miracle for our household and the writing of papers and book reports. Tyler hates homework as well . It is hard and complicated and he struggles with it. In 7th grade he almost failed because of homework. A's and high B's on tests,classwork and all projects without writing and they still wanted to fail him for homework. It did not happen, and while I understand the importance of following directions and doing the required work, I don't think any kid should fail based on homework. If it can help their grade, awesome!



So here we are with Sammy.2 pages of homework every night. One math,One spelling. Sammy.Hates. Homework! Every night it's the same battle,the same argument the same tears and gnashing of teeth. Would it be terrible of me to not have him do it? To have him try and encourage him to try but if he just can't get himself together to let him skip it? Does it make me a horrible mom?  Snacks during the work help him since that child will eat until he pops if we let him. So  how hard do I push.

no IEP to speak of

My son Tyler has Asperger's which is a high functioning form of autism. he has always been the one I worried least about, until now.
he is failing things in school. he has a d- in English for the year and a 52 average for homework in social studies. I can't do any more than I already am. I just can't. he is 13 and he doesn't want my help. granted he gets it anyway. I help with homework, checking to see if it gets done... everything
and yet he is still failing
his IEP failed him
his teachers failed him
but most of all
I .Failed.Him
so the boy that I thought would be off the IEP next year is now being considered for a school for boys like him. I want to cry. I failed my son, horribly... how could I?
so after over three hours at the IEP meeting we got nothing accomplished other than I feel like crap. Nothing written, nothing set
NOTHING
and we meet again on Friday the 13th
fun