Sunshine

Today was Sam's open house. I usually hate these things  because I always wonder if people look at me and think "See, that is why he is such a mess" This year was pleasantly different.
Sammy could not wait to go o Open House. He was so excited to show us his class and his desk. We got there and he showed his teachers his treasures that he brought with him. Kids said hi to him and he smiled. He ran off ahead to his classroom, but he waited outside.

The behaviorist, the principle, his teacher, and his reading specialist all said the same thing "he is really doing so wonderfully this year. He is working hard and putting in a real effort. We are so Proud of Sammy" It was enough that I almost cried. I so desperately needed to hear something good about him, because things at home have not been easy.

Sammy in his new obsession ~masks

Then I had a parent come to me and tell me her son talks about Sam C. all the time and was wondering if they could play together some time. Another mom said her daughter says great things about Sammy all the time too.  Some of the kids really wanted to be around him.

I left feeling pleased and happy. I love our team. I love the people who work with my boy and help him over the rough patches. I KNOW this won't last but for now I will just sit back and enjoy the sunshine

Sometimes, I don't have the answers.

 What do you do when you don't have the answers? What happens when you can't fix it, when you can't help and there doesn't seem to be a solution? All I know is the question, and it's the same one I always have

"How do I help Sam NOW?"

Third grade is hard. Harder than anything he has ever had to do and for the first time he WANTS to do well with it. He is just so frustrated. He told me today they just learn too much too fast. He also told me that when he gets overwhelmed he stims on his shoes. Sam has never been a huge stim kid, though he does flap and such when he is stressed. I can't help thinking about my poor baby, so stressed at school. I worry that the kids will begin to tease him. Kids are mean, really mean. I remember what it was like being teased and it makes me sad for him. He wants to make friends but it is just so hard for him.

I wish there was a way to unlock his brain some days. Not to make him less autistic, but to make things easier for him. I know he would love to learn if we could just find the way to teach him that doesn't stress him out. I worry that if he continues to be so defiant in class that they will place him out of inclusion and into a contained classroom. He already has a ton of accommodations and modifications to help him through. He gets a ton of love and support from our team. In fact I LOVE his team and I KNOW they will help figure this out.

It could just be growing pains. Between the new school, change of season, new teacher,shorter days, upcoming baby,increased self awareness, and harder work, it may just take him longer to get into the groove.

So for now I am holding my breath every time the phone rings. Hoping and praying it isn't the school.

The First Day of School.

Sam has been anxious most of the summer because he knew school was coming. It turned out just fine in the long run, but we had some anxiety that first day. Then we missed the bus by about 2 minutes. My mom came and we drove him to school. He froze outside of his classroom but one of the para professionals he works with was able to assist us and get us into the room.

I watched the little girl he would be sitting with greet him. I watched her smile brightly. I watched the teacher shake his hand. I watched his friends smile, obviously happy to see Sammy.

I also saw his fingers by his side fluttering a mile a minute. A sure sign he was stressed. I watched him as he sat in his chair and tapped the desk with his finger. I walked away after a brief wave goodbye, but I saw panic in his eyes. It took every ounce of strength I had to not take his hand and bring him home. I wanted to rescue him from his anxiety and stress. I wanted to make it better for him. If I had a magic wand at that moment I would have moved the world for him. Instead I walked away. I walked away because it was what he needed me to do. I walked away because if I had stayed one more second he would have seen the tears in my eyes. I left the school with my eyes stinging and a heavy heart. He was scared and there wasn't anything I could do but walk away.

He did enjoy his first day. I missed him so much. Of course I was happy to have him home ... until he punched Nate in the chest. Then I began counting the hours until the next day of school!

Trying So Hard

I am trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the extra week with Sammy. I am trying to find good things to write about. it's a struggle right now. Yesterday was so bad I almost completely lost my shit. Yes.... really! I am talking a crying, yelling, flipping out, foot stomping, crazy lady freak out!

Nate has had enough of Sammy and has twice now lost it on him and began pummeling him into the ground after relentless teasing. Right now he is sitting beside me because he came to tell me " right now I feel like I want to punch him in the face"

Not pretty here. We're going to head out to the park even though I feel like crap because I cannot possible take another minute here. I am hoping for some baking later as well.

On a plus side I did get a ton of laundry done yesterday. I am so very behind from summer and being so sick with Squish. 14 weeks today and the next few days will be full of fear and panic. My midwife made me feel better when she said " These things are out of our control, you are healthy and so is the baby. That should give you some comfort. Yes, bad things can happen, but try to focus on the positive" I love my midwife and her ability to call it like it is.

Sam's day yesterday was less then stellar. He broke Nate's bed, screamed, yelled, cried, punched walls, and hurt the little girl next door. He was hell on wheels in every sense of the word all.day.long. He lost his stuffing over and over with every request I made of him. Finally I just had enough and let him chill with The SIMS. He loves to build houses. He laid down with us last night and sighed and said...

"I am a lucky boy. I have a mommy and a daddy and a family. They love me"

so I guess it wasn't all bad. In the end, the entire day of crap was worth that 3 second sentence at the end.

Sometimes I Waffle

It's back to school time soon and kids are out shopping, both with and without parents. I see my sons' friends posting about going to The Gap and Hollister and suddenly I feel like I missed something. Like I have forgotten to show up at the parent Olympics and that makes me a failure.

You see NONE of my kids have ever bought a thing in any of those stores. We have been given them as gifts and I love them, but we have personally never taken our kids there...ever. They have never been in any of those stores for the purpose of school shopping. We usually school shop at thrift stores or they wear hand me downs.

Shame on me?

No, this is where I remind myself I am not creating carbon copies. I want my kids to understand the label doesn't matter.  Not with clothes or people. That's my job right? I am not saying that shopping at those places is a bad thing, it just isn't OUR thing. My oldest boy refuses to even wear clothes with labels any more. Refuses. AJ doesn't mind.

My Boys and their buddy playing a card game Their buddy invented 

AJ starts high school this year. I want him to fit in so badly. I thought about buying him the "cool kid" stuff. Then I thought about it. AJ is freaking awesome all on his own. He is thoughtful,opinionated,intelligent, and strong willed. He doesn't care what other people think most of the time.

It's hard to be different in a world that says it's all about what you wear, do, think, say, eat, drive, and live in. It's hard not to care.

If I am going to raise these kids to be their best, then they deserve to understand that labels are for food and nothing else.  Because no where else will a label give you any idea of what is inside a person. People should be judged on character, integrity and tenacity not on how much their shoes cost.

But sometimes, when I see all of their friends in the nice cars,clothes and houses... just sometimes I waflle

Field Day

Sammy had field day last week. It was held at the rec center since there is no longer a yard at the school now that construction has begun. It was mostly nice. They did have some indoor events which Sammy struggled with. It was loud and hot and muggy. They blew an air-horn to signify change from one event to the next and Sammy covered his ears in pain each time. It bothered me to watch that. Couldn't they come up with something better?

Once we were outside things were better and I could see Sammy's body language relax and settle. He played the first 2 or 3 games fine but during the last one I watched his body language switch. His fingers , which earlier were relaxed and silent, began their flight. A mile a minute. I watched him try to stop and place his hands in the "quiet hands" position I had taught him many years ago. Oh I hate having taught him that. His eyes began to flip around and he flipped up onto his tip toes just ever so slightly. To most people he was just having fun, but I know my boy. he scanned the crowd, he looked for escape, he looked like he was in pain. I mentioned to the parent beside me "Uh-Oh looks like were about to hit a wall". He came to me and buried his head against my chest and took a deep deep breath. He was shaking. He said "this is too much, I want to be done"

My heart was breaking for him. This should be fun! Instead it took all my boy had to be part of it up to this point. I brought him over to his aide Mrs.L. and had him use his words "I am overwhelmed I need a break". Four times he tried and couldn't but the fifth time he did. She told him to take a seat, and I watched his entire body melt. Seconds later they were lining up to get back to school for a cookout. He again started to become upset and bothered. The transitions were not handled smoothly. I reassured him we would meet back at the school and that I would eat with him. He got into line fingers flying beside him hidden to anyone who doesn't yet understand my boy.

I met him at the school, he was under the tree waiting for me. We had a lovely picnic and then played on the playground. He kissed me and said "so glad you came over mommy"  He asked his friend A to join us. I really like that kid. He has fantastic manners and social skills and he seems to really like Sammy, quirks and all. We all need a friend that loves us for who we are. Sam has a few. He has Miss S. and Miss L., Mr. M and Mr.A.

I dismissed him from school and he was all smiles. It was the bright spot in our otherwise horrific week.

I'll take it!

IEP take 2

It's hard here right now. It's closing in on the end of the year and summer is quickly approaching.  The weather doesn't even yet feel like spring and I am already looking forward to the end of the school year.

We had Tyler's IEP meeting this last week and it went well. I love the new Special Education Director. She is really on the ball and totally understanding. She helped us come up with great ideas for Tyler to help his senior year be the best it can..

Tyler will be using a computer at school and will begin emailing his homework assignments to himself and to the teacher's when completed. The computer can come home with him. Tyler's biggest struggles right now are in the realm of executive functioning. He can't seem to organised the steps in his head to start and finish much of anything. Even with the things he loves like wrestling he will often forget his shoes or singlet. It only gets worse if he dislikes the teacher or the subject.

He has some major goals in mind this year. he wants to be captain of the wrestling team. In order to do that he has to be on the honor roll.  Big changes are coming now it seems. He is back on the mat after a devastating injury ended his season last year.

It's Just Me

We had a team meeting yesterday at Sammy's school. We had some concerns about the behavior plan being used in Sammy's classroom. After a very productive meeting I walked out feeling mixed emotions.

Before the meeting I was sick to my stomach, stressed and anxious. I wanted to put on my jammies and curl up on the couch. I wanted nothing to do with the meeting my husband had scheduled. I felt like I was going into battle. ( I wonder if this is how Sammy feels in the morning) This reaction to team meetings have nothing to do with the professionals at my sons school. It's my baggage and that is a long story stemming from issues with my x-husband and his family.

The meeting went well, we are all in fact on the same page and we are very lucky to have such a loving and caring team.I still am not sure how I feel about the teacher but I can see she likes Sammy. Sammy is beginning to read and really just doing well in school this year academically...I think.  I thought that last year and it turned out, he was doing great for Sammy just not great for a first grader.

His behavior at school has improved and the teacher assured me she is giving him plenty of leeway in the right places. He doesn't act even nearly as bad at school as he does at home. Not.Even.Close.

So I left there and all I can think is "It's me" It must be me, I must be doing something wrong to elicit this response from Sammy. I get all the anger, frustration and abuse. Meanwhile the school must either think I'm lying or crazy. They must think it's me that I am a bad mother. That I am a failure. It's my worst fears come true.

I am very careful to tell the truth even when it's not pretty , even when I know I didn't handle it well because I am not a liar. That I can control. I may be a failure, I may be doing it wrong. It may be me. I am living this life, no one else and I am the one doing battle each day. So when it comes down to it I have to live with myself everyday and I am doing the best that I can.