TRIUMPH

I hate to admit it. I am a yeller.

I yell when something scares me. I yell when I am angry.
I yell when I am frustrated. I yell when I am being ignored.

It's terrible really.

and my kids tune me out.

I was starting to really worry that maybe I missed something with Nate until yesterday. I was ready to yell and I stopped. I got eye level with him and explained it to him. Without frustration or impatience.
I watched it click.

So today I banished yelling.

I prayed hard before my feet even hit the floor. I knew I was undertaking a HUGE thing. I didn't allow myself  to say " I can't"

I showed up and gave my kids every ounce of what I want them to give me.


I DID IT!
One whole day without yelling. (though at the end of the day I may have spoken a little louder than need be when Sammy hurt Evangeline by playing to rough)
But I am calling it a win.

Praise God.
Today I had the grace to make it happen. I will make tomorrow the same.

Bittersweet

Let me very clear. I am proud of Sammy and who he has become. I am amazed by Sammy and everything he is. I love him so much that it hurts to try and quantify it.

But it is often hard. It is usually a challenge. It is always just a little extra effort.

It's Sammy.

My rainbow boy.
The boy who smiles from inside out even if he doesn't ever smile back at me. He loves to hug me these days and always asks "Why do you smell so good there Mommy?"  He tells me now that he has big feelings. He cries from sadness now as well. It isn't just angry and happy. But , he still has some of the most annoying stims (currently a screech), he calls names when he gets even a little bit angry, and he hits. He makes me so angry sometimes that I want to run away from home. Just take the itty bitty and go far far away. But to think about life without him makes my eyes burn and my throat catch. He is after all my rainbow baby ...right?

He has taught me so many incredible things. Far more than I have taught him. He frustrates me beyond belief and makes me so very proud every day.
Some days, like today, it's hard to breath. The weight of life with Sam  can often feel like falling into an endless hole filled with jello.
Green Jello.
My Nemesis.

What is the alternative though?
Life without? I know what that is like to some degree. I don't have my Emma with me.

Sam Blowing out the candles

So my Darling Rainbow Boy,
Please know I love you with all that I am. Every moment. Every breath. Every second of every single day. Forgive me for the tears that fall because sometimes the bittersweet of it all is just too much to hold inside.

Emma's angel Dan Bought in 2010 for me

My Dearest Emma,
Please know that even though i spend the day laughing and celebrating you are also so very close to my heart. Know That I love you as well, though I never held you in my arms. There will always be empty space where your hand belong in mine, silence where your name belongs on my lips, and longing in my arms for you.

Happy Birthday My Sunshine Boy Sam and Dearest Emma.
today we celebrate all that you are.

I Love You

Sam has a new stim.
I see him doing it almost all the time. In places that we are quiet (church, stores, and school) he makes it a soft breathy sound. When he is alone or outside he does it and he is loud. It's constant. When he is watching TV or playing video games. he's very good at being discreet around his friends. I worry about what that kind of control might cost him. I worry that he is afraid to be himself and be OK.

I wish my boy had a world that understood him. Where people didn't say things like "see He showed empathy , he can't be autistic" or " he seems fine to me"
I want him to be in a place that people defend him and love him. I am grateful because our team does that for him. The kids in his class don't understand. They tease him for his weird behaviors, foods, and clothes choices. They tease him at lunch for his allergies and get mad that they cannot bring the snacks they want to.
But, Our TEAM stands up for him. The school Nurse goes in and talks to the kids about how serious allergies are to protect Sam and kids like him. His principle cheers him on when he makes the right choice. She returns my calls every time.

it's because of these people  working with Sam every day that I think we hit this next milestone ....


Those of you that read know how hard it is for Sam to say he loves me will understand how awesome this new development is.

He keeps repeating it to me,over and over again.
He sounds like he means it.
He hugs me every time he says it

In light of the chaos here I am amazed. It almost makes up for his new stim of sudden yelling in short bursts...

Must Read

Sam and I have had a deal for a few years now in regards to his library card. The deal was

When you can read , you can have a card.

Guess what!? 

SAM CAN READ

Let that sink in for a minute, he can actually read. He may not be up to grade level yet. He may not even be close. BUT HE CAN READ

And with that the pure joy and pride I feel can't even come close to being measured.

He took out three books in accordance with our family library rule for gradeschoolers

one fun

one learning

and one chapter book for bed time

He chose a book on bats, a lego star wars book, and a mystery novel for bedtime. We sat together reading tonight and when i started to fall asleep, Sam (rather than choose to be done with the book for the night) read to me instead. It was a book clearly well beyond his technical reading ability but he still chose to read it to me. Outloud.

He keeps reminding me that its due back in two weeks, that he can call to renew if he needs more time, and that he can take as many books as he wants to. I hear it 3 or 4 times an hour right now. Clearly, he is as delighted at this new development as I am.

I missed it

Yesterday was awful , a seriously terrible evening.

Upon further reflection, It occurred to me

I missed the good stuff. I focused on the dark gloomy greyness of the end of the day. I need to celebrate more.

Sam had a friend over.
A friend. Like for real! Someone that likes to spend time with Sammy. He and Sammy go along pretty well. Sam seemed happy I noticed a lot of similarities between the boys

regardless Sammy had friend over. I should have focused on that before anything. Its HUGE.

its a big deal. And I was so busy crying on my cupcakes I missed it.

Depth

I have six children.
I love being a mother.

most days

Some days,  I feel so out of my depth. Some days, I skate into the home stretch of children in bed and quiet in the house. It's nights like tonight where I can only think " My God , I have to do this again tomorrow"

Thankfully those days aren't often, but they happen.
Today was awesome, tonight was a challenge.

Nate went up to tell Sam dinner was ready. Everyone had a great day. Nate went to field day, Sam had a friend over for a little while. Sam was half asleep when Nate went to get him for dinner. So Sam punched him, Nate cried which infuriated Sam more. Then Sammy pummeled Nate, AJ intervened and Sam escalated, then Ty intervened and I removed everyone and dealt with it. It was brutal, and ugly, and one of those moments that make me think that perhaps I am not a very good parent.

six children.

It's a challenge.

And some days it just sucks.

So tonight I will have a glass of wine. I will thank God for my blessings, for my trials, for the ups and the downs and for the little time that I get as their mom. When babies are born it feels like every day takes forever, but I promise you that if you just blink a little too long, they are 18.

It's kind of like a roller coaster. You wait in line, you get strapped into the car, you are so scared of the drop and the loops but before you know it the ride is over and all you have is the memory of it.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

In the morning I will do it all over again. I just hope tomorrow ends on an up-note.

Babies, Sunshine and Butterflies

Sitting here watching a movie  tonight and suddenly I'm a pile of mooshy teas. October Baby, a must watch movie for sure. Suddenly I see the girls in my mind's eye grown and making choices on their own. My boys are growing so fast as well. The days last forever but the years just fly by.

We are nearing the end of lent here and Easter is approaching quickly. A sign of rebirth and New Life. A reminder of the awesome power of God and his power over my entire life. This Lent has sucked for me physically. I have been humbled for sure.
I have always been a get it done myself sort of person. That was not an option this time around.

My family and my friends had to take care of me. They all pitched in and helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. I love my parish family. Say what you want about organised religion, but it saved my life in more that one way.

Easter is coming! The Sun is shining more and more.It's spring and time to renew ... well, everything

Spring

It's the first day of spring right? so why am I still freezing here? Why is there snow on the ground still? I am so tired of snow and ice. I want sunshine and flowers. I want my lilac to bloom already. Since I can't have those things I figured I would start an I LOVE SPRING list.
It will at least keep my mind off the new numbers released by the CDC of 1 in 50 kids are dx with autism.

                                           

Lilacs.
Flowers.
Sunshine.
Garden prep.
The smell of turned earth.
Time outside.
Warm air.
Open windows.
Birthdays.
Cookouts.

I can't wait for warmer weather.
What would you add?

Miracles

Tyler had to work at school today. He was to be at the school for 8 am and work until 1pm. At about 1130 the phone rings. Tyler got his hand caught in between a chain and a tree. His hand was crushed and bloodied and once again Daniel was off to pick him up. After an afternoon at the emergency room the conclusion... NO BROKEN BONES

I'm still not sure how that happened.

It was hard not having control today. I didn't go to the ER with him. I couldn't. I was here being loved and blessed by the ladies of my church.My kitchen and playroom have never ever been so clean. The littles went to a friends house. Laundry is caught up. I can't even find words to describe how blessed I feel.

my house is clean.
my children are healthy

By HIS Grace

 There are always difficult life lessons to learn. They hide around every corner and under every rock. You often have to go after them to find their little hiding places, but other times... not so much. Times like this those lessons jump out and bite your face like a rabid dog. I apparently have a lot to learn, and I'm going to learn it whether I like it or not.

I'm not sure if I am supposed to be learning I cannot control everything, or if I am not as isolated and alone as I thought, or if I just need to learn that it's ok to slow down, or to ask for help, or that I am loved. Maybe it's something I haven't figured out yet. My friend Michelle always says "AVOID THE WRECKING BALL AT ALL COSTS" well, this time I tried to and failed.

Maybe it's simply a trial. I set out this year planning on posting something positive every day. It's a real challenge to do that right now. I kinda just want to mope about things, but I am holding out on the happy.  The Devil hates those good works doesn't he.

Maybe it's every single one of these things ... who knows. Oh yeah, HE does

So OK I give up. I'm listening Lord... quietly

Cupcakes and Godchildren

Today I received two great gifts.

Chocolate cupcakes.
 and
My brother and his wife asked me to be their son's godmother. I have never been more excited ever. I feel so blessed to have J in my life. She is an awesome mom, a super sweet person, and she can help when the girls need someone girlie.

So excited.

Evangeline's Birth Story

I have to put it somewhere so I don't ever forget the awesome that was her birth


 had an apt with my midwife on Friday (39w2d) and baby was super low. It was getting difficult to walk around between the SPD and having such a low baby. We went over my birth plans which essentially came down to " don't touch me unless you need to or I ask for help" I laughed and told my MW that I would see her Sunday (my last 3 babies before Evie were born on a Sunday) I left and double checked my apt. for the next week and told the receptionist I likely wouldn't be there for it. I just really felt like baby was going to come very soon.

Saturday I didn't even have so much as a Braxton Hicks and I was not thrilled. I was starting to wonder if my intuition had been off. Sammy had a major behavior and as a result broke his brothers metal toddler bed. we decided to go shopping at an IKEA for a bed set I wanted for the boys to replace it. I had no idea that IKEA was like the Labyrinth and you couldn't get in and out quickly. The littles had a blast and we found what we needed. It took us hours to find the exit and then the lines were INSANE so we opted to leave without what we came for because at that point my hips hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I lost the remainder of my plug while walking around IKEA. We stopped at a Panera on the way home and I had half a sandwich but didn't really feel that hungry.

Suddenly I began to have a panic attack and I realized Baby would be coming sooner rather than later. I felt that way before each of my babies births. We went home collected the older children and went to church. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while and they were all asking when I was due. When I told them Wednesday but I felt baby was coming tonight everyone was excited. I felt especially anxious this time and asked our deacon and priest for extra prayers.

We got home and fed the kids and I just wasn't hungry.  Around 11 I started to feel some real contractions and really got nervous. I just felt like Something wasn't right and there was some sort of impending doom.  I started to feel hungry but everything I tried to eat made me gag. I was so mad that I didn't nap earlier because now I was tired and too keyed up to sleep.

I put on my birth music (full of eminem and fort major as well as some great praise and worship music) I sat on my ball and tried to be calm. I wasn't in any pain yet and the contractions weren't even time-able yet. I just wanted to nap and it was making me so mad that I couldn't. Around 1 am we called the midwife to let her know that yes I was in labor and would head over when I felt ready to. At about 130ish my legs started trembling and I started gagging after every contraction. The hospital was 25 minutes away and it was snowing so we called the midwife and let her know I was heading in.

I got in the car and prayed a rosary with my husband and that brought some relief of the fear and feeling something just wasn't right. I didn't have one single contraction in the car at all on the ride there. As soon as I got out of the car however I had one on top of the other across the parking lot into the ER.It was now just after 2 am.

I got up to L&D on my own without a wheelchair but had contractions every 10 feet. It felt good to be moving and to have something to focus on outside the fear. I got hooked up to the monitors and had my stress test (hospital policy) it felt nice to hear squish on the monitor and see baby was doing fine. it calmed my fears some thankfully. I was still gagging and puking after every contraction at this point. My MW checked me and said I was 4 stretchy to 6 so we were in business.there would be no other checks for the rest of labor! I got in the tub and it felt lovely for about 30 seconds.

I started to feel trapped in the water and wanted to get out it was now 3am. and my contractions were every 7 minutes or so, some worse than others. I was still feeling the need to pee every 5 minutes so I sat on the toilet and had a wonderful strong contraction. we listened to baby for a second and everything sounded great. I tried the ball but baby was so low it hurt. I could feel squish filling my hips at that point. I got something to help with my nausea since I couldn't stop gagging and it was making me crazy. I needed to stay hydrated if I wanted to avoid an IV. I decided to go for a walk and got about 5 feet from my room when I had to pee again. I tried a few more times to go for a walk but had to pee constantly. I felt like I had something prodding my bladder constantly.

I figured out that raising the bed and leaning over it felt awesome.The contractions weren't super painful except for the very peak of it. sometimes I pictured god hugging me. So I did that for the next few contractions it was now 345.I asked them to lower the bed so I could sit on it one contraction later I had to pee again and went over to the toilet. DH informed me that I had a bunch of bloody show on the pad on the bed. I figured I had about another hour or so to go . As I sat on the toilet I suddenly felt my body push and felt Squish slide down and I found myself growling. The midwife came in and checked just to make sure baby wasn't going to be born in the toilet.
SURPRISE!
There was baby crowned and ready to go. it was now 355

She asked if I could get up and I told her I couldn't move. Her and my Hubby picked me up and moved me to the bed where I asked to be I could not move on my own and they helped me position myself so that I could push when I was ready.The pressure was intense but not painful I felt full and slit in two along my pelvis. then my water broke as my body pushed on it's own again.. I remember saying "oh that took care of some of the pressure" then in the same moment baby came out with her hand by her face and she kicked at the same time. She flew out of me as the midwife tumbled her out of the cord that had corkscrewed around her body. 358

I looked and realized what I saw and asked " DID I JUST SEE BABY VAGINA?" (hows that for tact?!?)
baby was placed on my chest and latched right on. I squealed with absolute delight over baby. She was latched on cord intact for about 15 minutes. Then I cut the cord (first time in 6 babies) and about 10 minutes later the placenta came.

Delicious

I have been recuperating from a wild ride the last week. I have been in a chair for days getting up only when I have to. Dinner time could pose a serious issue for our family if not for the work of some wonderful ladies and an incredible husband. A few of my momma friends sent over food to help out. Pizza, soup, lasagna, and shells and they were all amazing. My mom helped out and picked up some rotisserie chickens. Another friend brought over fruit and meats and other healthy options too.I am looking forward to getting back on my feet and I am getting there slowly.
This little girl here was totally worth it though so I won't complain.

I feel so blessed to have ladies that care so much about me so I can just sit and enjoy this ball of sugar.

To Connect

It's so difficult for Sam to cuddle and connect , unless it's connecting with babies. All babies love him. His cousin came to visit and just adored him. He woke up this morning and came downstairs. He never said Hi mom. He didn't ask his usual set of questions. He simply sat down next to me, told me he had clean hands and he needed to hold squish.

And so his day began with this

Friends

We have been blessed with some serious angel friends in our circle. Friends that go to bat for us, support us in difficult times and reach out for us when we really needed it.

I have had friends come visit and help clean up. I have had friends come and chit chat so I don't feel so alone. I mentioned that I was feeling isolated and people in my life made a point to help. I really do feel blessed to know them.

My Love

Glad to Have Dad.

My dad is a hero when it comes to my boys. They tell me that "bapa knows everything"     I will often be asked a question (even by the older two) and be told that they don't believe me they are going to ask bapa.

my dad is a full time student at our local college. He is doing amazing.  It may not seem like a big deal but my dad is an as Aspie   As a kid he was called names and made fun of for being slow and not understanding things. he really believed he was stupid. Things have changed so much in the last few decades for kids like ours. What a blessing understanding can be.

My parents took the little boys a few weeks ago and there was a civil war reenactment over at the High School. My dad and husband brought them over and they LOVED it.