Lost in Translation

From the outside I seem together and normal. I look like everything is great. I smile. I clean. I teach. I pull myself together. What you don't see is the constant battle in my head. The constant fight to feel better. The constant work it takes to put one foot in front of the other.

Don't get me wrong I have good days. More and more lately. It's getting better. The meds are helping. I am slowly getting better.
But some days
Some days I just want to quit. I really just want to give up. I want to step off this merry-go-round that we all call life.

 I hear myself crying out from inside my head but the words somehow change. In my head I hear " I give up", "I quit", and "not one more step". These voices cry out so loud it is almost deafening. Like standing in front of a freight train that is barrelling down the tracks towards me.
The voice stuck on repeat that reminds me I am failing, falling apart, and broken. Those voices tell me time and time again that I cannot and will not be OK. It tells me that this is my new normal and it will never get better.It is loud and clear.

But somewhere it get's lost in translation.
Those aren't the words I feel. Those aren't the words I say.

The quiet voice from my lips is simple

"Lord help me." "Mary pray for me" 

I turn to my Lord when I can't turn anywhere else.

You may be asking why I am writing this. There are a few reasons really.
#1. It's time we bring PPD and depression into the light. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me selfish. I can't just "Get over it" I cannot just make it disappear. It's how I'm built. It's part of what makes me me in my own very unique experience. I have been dealing with depression off and on my entire life. The first time I remember feeling dark and hopeless I was young. Maybe 6 or 8 years old. 

It's an undercurrent in my life.

#2. My god is bigger than my storm. I take my meds. I take care of my family. I do the things that need to be done. My god is the only one that can heal those wounds of my heart and correct and quiet the voice that tells me I am worthless. My prayers are heard.I am loved. and I will be ok. He is my voice of truth when I cannot trust my own. He is my rock that in these times I cling to. He is everything I need. 

#3. To remind you that it's never hopeless. It's never hopeless. It's never hopeless.
I need to hear that sometimes as much as everyone else. I want you to know that if you feel as though you can't take another step or those voices are too loud to overcome or you just can't catch your breath, remember you aren't alone.
It's never hopeless. 

And most importantly,

#4

If you are reading this and you think 

Not. One. More. Breath.

Don't Give Up

Reach Out.

National Suicide Hotline

Tough Choices

Annabelle's first momma kisses

I have a beautiful new baby,her name is Annabelle Rose. We named her after Saint Anne and Saint Mary. She really is wonderfully perfect. I am in love with this precious little life that has been trusted to me for her time on Earth.

Annabelle just hours old

So soft and warm a squishy. She smiles and it lights the room. I can't stop kissing her. Annabelle has a wonderful combination of her two older sisters' features. Delicate like grace but with the same roundness as Evangeline.

Annabelle almost ready to come home.

Everyone loves her! The boys can't get enough of her and are constantly loving on her. Grace watches her sleep in her chair at breakfast and often chooses to sit beside her on the floor with her food. Even Evie loves Annabelle, though their relationship can be a little rough at times.

Kissing Annabelle

Biggest Sister with Littlest Sister

Loves from big brother.

Everyone loves her. She is perfect. I should be over the moon happy. I should be beside myself happy. I have a beautiful new baby girl that I cant put down.

Not because she is fussy, but because I literally cannot put her down without checking her every 5 seconds to see if she is breathing. or bleeding. or choking. or a myriad of other constant crazy  scenarios. I am constantly afraid I might drop her, or bang her into something, or that something is wrong. I worry she isn't eating enough even though she is growing wonderfully. I feel disconnected from her, like I don't really know her.

figuring each other out

And I just can't stop crying.

I feel hopeless, and broken, and stressed. I don't want to leave my house. Even just a trip out to the backyard makes my palms sweat. I don't feel any joy. Her cry makes me anxious, not hurt the baby anxious, just why can't I figure this out sort of anxious.
My anxiety is at an all time high.
I'm not sleeping. Belle sleeps great from 11-4 most nights, but I can't sleep. Most nights I go to sleep around 2 or 3 and I'm up between 5 and 6 for the day. I am so tired but every time I sleep I dream about drowning, or burning, or falling, or being chased by dogs.
I feel like I am living in a black hole without any hope of finding the light. I feel like a failure. I feel like a terrible mother that doesn't deserve this beautiful blessing God has given me. Everyday feels like Groundhog Day, it's all the same and it feels hopeless and lonely.


I am broken.
My husband calls me when I leave the house to make sure I haven't driven my car into the water.
My son asks me why I look sad so often.
My daughter wonders ,out loud, why I don't smile anymore.

I am struggling with post partum depression. I have decided to start medication. My OCD and Anxiety are hard enough to handle on their own, but this has destroyed my ability to function.

I am taking meds because my kids deserve a joyful mother. My husband deserves a joyful wife. I deserve to feel joy.

and I don't.
I am drowning in the deep end of the pool and I forgot my floaties.
I miss the sunshine.

REAL LOVE

Friends who Pray

January 17, 2013

I am stressed and frustrated. Nesting has taken over and it is making me nutty. Add the stress of not being able to move around because of hip pain, Dan having to work constantly, depression, OCD , and the stress of knowing CPS could show up any day now. I am a mess.

Sam is too. His anxiety has skyrocketed again, as it always seems to this time of year. He is struggling with friends at school, family at home, and just life in general.

http://stickfiguresclipart.com/peoplestickfigures/stick-people-clip-art-3/

I have a few very close and very dear friends that have been praying for us and just knowing that makes such a difference. I am so glad to have friends that love me enough to spend a moment thinking about me, when I am quite certain they have other things to worry about. I hope they know what blessings they are to me. It's such a privileged to know them.

Time To Write

I should be happy. I have a wonderful family. I have a loving husband. Everyone is healthy. I should just count my blessings. I need to just get over it. Give it time. It could always be worse...


I have heard it all

I've lived with depression on and off since I was a little kid. I can remember that black hole feeling as early as 6 or 7 years old. It sounds crazy I know. You probably know more people than you think that are in the same boat. Friends that stop calling you or stop leaving the house. Sometimes they change in ways that don't make sense to anyone. They may even still smile, but it never makes it up their face to their eyes. there are so many of us , silent, hiding, and pretending it's ok.

from web MD  According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Irritability, restlessness

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Overeating or appetite loss

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

~it's been a while since I have written. I feel like this needs to be out there.I have fought this my entire life and I have learned there just aren't any easy answers. There are no magic bullets that pull me out of this funk. I also have Seasonal Depression (also known as SAD, how fitting) so this time of  year is hard already.
Usually I can keep things together enough to zombie my way through my day and function in a way that no one really notices. Over the years the depression has increased my anxiety which has in turn created a monster OCD issue.  I know I see things no one else will notice but those little things make me feel crazy. This time it is as bad as it has ever been.My family needs me, so I function, sort-of. I can't ever die because then, what happens to Sam? It scares me when I feel like this. Daniel knows I am struggling and he is trying so hard. It just isn't something that can simply be fixed. Add to this being pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. I feel like I wake up every day in foggy tunnel. I don't want to get out of bed, I just don't want to do anything, even the things I love to do...like write.Writing was my release, it was cathartic, calming and joyful. Now nothing is. I find myself often thinking "I should be so happy about this" but I am not. I just feel kind of ...numb
I know medication is an option. I know it works. But I also know that I took that route once, when I was pregnant with Sammy. I also know that 5 years later a study came out linking the antidepressant I took with autism. I know plenty of people have taken the same med without the same result. I know I have to do SOMETHING. I just can't...
I am not writing this for sympathy or anything of the sort. I know I am not alone, and this time of year can be hard for lots of people. I hope that by writing this, by putting this out in front, those of you in the same spot and feeling alone will know that you are NOT in fact alone.
Mental health can be such a taboo subject for so many. People believe we are just weak minded, self centered, or looking for attention. This is real, it hurts, and it sucks. So if you're reading this and your struggling, I want you to know you aren't alone... not for one second.

It's all Possible

 



So I have spent some major time crying in my cornflakes the past few days. It's rough here. Sam's first spelling test came back and it was terrible. He is struggling with so much right now and I really just don't know how to help him. Tonight he said he wants to be a doctor. He wants to treat rabies and be a doctor.
Of course I told him he could do anything he set his mind to. I encouraged him and smiled. The entire time my heart was shattering in my chest thinking about all the things he would never do. He can't possibly become a doctor...right?

Then I saw this

autistic-basketball-star-jason-mcelwain-qualifies-for-boston-marathon

Wow.I remember watching the video of this kid playing ball and thinking "WHY the hell didn't someone give him a chance BEFORE this?" So I read the article...twice.
Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, maybe it's being so tired, who knows. I started to cry again.


It changed my perspective on Sammy's options. No, he may never be a doctor, but I can guarantee he will surprise us all.
I want people to believe in my son and here I was doubting his dream. Somewhere in between here and there I stopped believing in my son and his ability. I always swore I would never do that...
Never say never... it's such a long time.

Chasing Sanity

Sometimes the emotional roller coaster of my life gets to me. We seem to be on a down hill slalom here. It's always hard to watch Sam fall apart bit by bit. It's even harder to be feeling out of sorts myself when this starts. I kind of feel like I'm trying to out together a tower and the Earth underneath just keeps shaking. I can't seem to get my footing. It's hard feeling like I am in the thick of things I cannot control.

It's days like today, when Sammy wakes me with anxiety and stress, that I try to remember the happy. I try so hard to find that smiling boy with the fluffy head. I look back at pictures from so very long ago, of family vacations, and I long for the happy.

Part of me struggles with the reality that I live with. I wouldn't change it for the world, but it doesn't mean it's easy. There are so many out there with bigger and heavier crosses to carry. I feel silly complaining. I know it could be worse, but right now this is what I know. Right now this is hard. Right now I wish I could go back.

Back where? I'm not entirely sure. I have always struggled with being depressed. I can't remember a time when I didn't struggle with it. From the melodramatic kid to the sullen teen to the tearful mother, It never really changed. I never changed

I wonder if my boy will be the same. I wonder if he will remember his childhood as sad and gray. I wonder if he feels as lost as I did at his age.

That is harder to think about than anything we may be dealing with right now.

So Today I need happy and I need a smile.