loss.. and life after

 Sometimes I miss you so much it steals my breath. It makes my heart beat so hard that I swear people nearby can see it beating from my chest. I once compared grief to spilling cold soup in your lap. You feel like you can't fix it, can't change it, and can't just walk away. Some grief is that way. But this, this is the kind of pain that picks at your bones relentlessly. You can feel it stealing away who you are inside just a little more every day as you try to pretend you are entirely fine.

Fine. Fine.

There is no such thing as ever being O.K again when you house this kind of pain inside of you. The pain you cannot escape from because even when you sleep it sneaks up on you and whispers in your ear.

Loss.

the pain of loss

The pain that settles in your bones when your heart is missing an integral piece that makes up the person you are.

You never feel whole again from that moment.

It's always there.

Sometimes though you let it boil over, like an overinflated balloon. It screams to be let out, loosened, set fee. 

The tears spill to the surface, they spill over your face like rain a summer storm and wash away any hope you had of ever feeling normal again.

Sometimes in those moments you allow yourself to see what could have, should have, or might have become,  if only...

if only...

 Haunting thoughts and words for anyone that has ever suffered loss.

 If only I.. 

my thoughts began and that was enough to open flood gates I wasn't able to contain the rush I had been trying to protecting myself against.  I was blindsided.

 Grief does that sometimes. It hits you like a freight train out of nowhere and there isn't a thing you can do to save yourself.

August is hard. 

because I miss you and who you might have been. 

I was standing there raw in my grief, as if it hadn't been 19 years.  As if It was a fresh wound still pouring forth blood and rage and fear.

In some ways it is always fresh. You don't breath a moment without loss reminding you it there. It may not bubble to the surface frequently but it is always there, just waiting for the wound to open and bleed hot, fresh, and viscous over everything surrounding you.

I have always been embarrassed by my grief for you. I am sorry for that. 

I carry the burden of you alone.

if only. ( there it is again )

 I am embarrassed by all of the pain this body and heart holds. It isn't just you.

I have run from the grief many times, wrapping myself in a blanket of logic and excuse. I tried to run from it this time, but you know me too well.

I tripped.

Literally, tripped.

I caught myself and looked to find what had tripped me intending to pick it up and throw it into the ocean for daring to stop me. What I saw stole all the air from my lungs. You ...

the reminders I see when I miss you the most.

a single heart.

sometimes you surprise me in a flower petal, or a misshapen cookie, a cloud, or a spill. Reminding me that you are still in heaven waiting... you got the better end of the deal my love. If you ask me.

and there you were.

I may have never been able to hug you, but in moments like these I am sure you are hugging me

24 hours and counting

In 24 hours I will be in plane. I hate to fly. Just thought makes my heart beat extra fast and my mouth get dry. I am so afraid. Flying for me is like standing in front of a firing squad. It triggers my anxiety in ways I can't even place into words. But in 24 hours I will be on a plane.

You see my boy has been at BMT ( basic military training) for 7.5 weeks now. The young man I would sit with on the couch and talk to about his day, the boy I hugged every day, the boy who made me laugh and scream ( sometimes at the same time) is graduating from the air force training program.

The boy who took over 2 years to walk. MY LITTLE boy is now a man and a member of our armed services. He left me scared, and uncertain and I know I will see a confident man.

As scared as I am I will do anything for my children.
and now one of my children is doing anything for his country.

my heart broke the day he left. You see it had to. That was the only way that it could ever have grown enough to encompass all the emotions I have running around in there now.

I am so proud of him. I could just burst. He is part of the 1% of the population that chooses to support our country. I am proud of the man he is and how hard he has worked. He wanted this and he went for it.
I am fearful. I am so afraid I will be handed a flag sitting by a graveside. My heart fears this like no other fear I have ever felt. I know I have no control. I know that I cannot change God's Will. I KNOW THIS. But this fear is always in the back of my mind.
I am uncertain. I do not know what his future holds. Not that I ever really did mind you. He could be stationed anywhere in the world. I can't call his CO and complain they sent my boy too far away.

But this is what he wants.
In 48 hours he will be a real AIRMAN!
In 48 hours I will hug him.

How did my itty bitty baby get here so fast?

I Promise You - I know

I can be high a little high strung at times. I worry about a lot of things. Crazy things. Things I won't go into tonight.

But I try really hard not to put that on my kids. I like to sit back and let them be free.
I have been catching a bit of flack for it recently and I just feel like I need to be clear with something.

I promise you, I know most of what is going on. Some things get by my, as they do all of us. But we deal with things as they come up.

The world will not end because my son refuses to cut his hair, or my daughter wants to shave hers. I promise it wont make either of them serial killers or out of control teens. What it will do is make them feel heard.

I will sit back at the playground and allow my one year old to climb and jump where she pleases. If no one is waiting I will even let them go up the slide.

Or in our case , up anything they decide to climb (as long as it isn't destructive.) I promise they wont decide they don't ever have to follow rules, it might just give them discernment to know when to follow the rules and when to just let go.

It is't because I don't care. It isn't because I am unaware. It is because I trust them to know their limits. That seven year old on the monument has been climbing everything he could fit his pudgy toes in for as long as he could balance. Because, he learned how to balance and trust himself. He learned that risk is good.

I stood so close and silent when they were little. To catch them just in case they fell. Sometimes they did. Sometimes there was blood, tears, and fear. Through that , they learned their bodies and their boundaries and as a result they can be just a little more free.
isn't that we all miss from childhood. The feeling of being free?

 Because, that childhood freedom is fleeting. They grow up so very fast. I want them to enjoy these years even more than I do. Because in the end, I am not raising cattle, I am loving children.

Every moment

make no mistakes

 I am not saying that  we should not or cannot complain when we are upset and stressed. I am not saying that we don't all have the right to cry, and be upset at some of the hands given.

But, every single moment in life has a purpose, a value.

With every pregnancy after loosing Emma I would panic from week 14 to week 15. Somewhere in that week is when my sweet girl passed. I would wake in cold sweats, my heart racing inside my chest so hard that I felt my ribs could break at any moment.

I lost my mind when I discovered that Evangeline's due date was a mere 10 days from Emma's. It was too close. I was convinced the pain would find me again. I was panicked and frightened.  I was also clinically depressed , one might think.

Evangeline's birth provided me with closure I hadn't expected , but because God is bigger than my fears, I was able to feel safety again.

Then the healing began. It took the tragic loss of someone else to bring me to a point where I was able to heal and not feel so broken inside my heart.
Seeing that moment in my mind's eye and knowing my sweet girl is safe and waiting healed the deepest places inside of me.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss her, or that I don't think of her all the time. What it means is that it is no longer a chain around my neck.

I cruised through week 14 this time. One dream of my sweet girl. Holding hands on the dock sitting quietly.
The healing continues for sure.

This time, it's different for me.I am grateful for every moment,kick, and heart beat this little baby growing in me has.

So much is the life around us. The person-hood of everyone around us. The unique and irreplaceable soul that God gave all of us.  The sick, the young, the old, the afflicted, the perfect... those dying with terminal illness. they all have a unique place in this world. Every moment of every life. Every single one. Even the ugly moments that hurt.

Fingerprints on the Window

 We all see it. Our own messy places that scream out to us every second of the day that somehow we aren't good enough. Those  fingerprints, peeling paint, wall scribbles, smudges, and drips that we all have if you look hard enough. We don't often notice other peoples drips , spills, and messes though do we? I know I don't.
 My own though, cannot be silenced.

I could list the things I fail at daily. The list would be so long that most would loose interest before getting halfway through.

Why do we , as women, compare ourselves so much to those around us? Those messy spaces we have are not unique to us. Everyone has them... don't they?
I often catch myself in my mind watching families wishing I had just a little more of what they have. The "put together"  or the "well behaved"  scream to me, not they are doing a great job, but that I somehow am failing.

I struggle with this a lot.

I work hard to remember that I too am a child of God, and that he loves me. He called me to serve and be where I am. I am not here by accident but purposefully and by his design. Simply put.
My life, exactly the way it is, is not a mistake. Even my drips, spills, and fingerprints.

So my house isn't magazine clean, and my laundry pile may eat me if I don't get to it tomorrow. I may have a ton of gray hairs, and wrinkles on my forehead. I may be selfish, and angry, and bad at empathy. But...
I have amazing children who did not get that way by accident. Yes, thankfully God makes up the difference between where I am and where he is.  I am not perfect, but I am good enough.

I don't know the eyes in which my children see me, but I do know the eyes through which I see them.
I need to be as kind with myself as I am with everyone else.

Moving Away

For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have wanted to get out of Massachusetts. South Carolina, Georgia, and Virginia have called my name for decades and I just feel so at home when I get there.

A big part of the need to move is my inability to handle the winters here. The cold makes my body hurt and my fingers and toes burn from October to June. I am anxious about snow and watching my husband drive to work in 6+ inches of snow. It's pretty, on a Saturday, when we are all home with no where to go. Otherwise. No, Just No!

The kids may miss it though. they love making snowmen and sledding. But poor Nate always ends up with hurting fingers. Sam refuses to wear anything remotely warm on his feet or body. I have to hide his shorts because he would wear them in the snow. Grace is always naked, even when it's cold. I can't keep shoes on her! Then of course there is the coats and car seat issue. such stress! then winter hats at the kids school that could spread lice. Months of bitter cold with chapped lips... just ewwww

Daniel and I have been praying about what to do. I have some family here and it is hard leaving them. There are a few things that make me worried about leaving the one place I have always lived. I can feel God tying up the ends I need to feel peaceful about moving. I can almost see it happening, as though I am watching a chess game of my life. I have no idea what the end result will be but I am starting to get some real peace about moving.

 We are going to florida in June and we are hoping to get a jump on moving then.

Prayers and Positive thoughts welcome

Counting

I pretty much got sideswiped by November. We lost 3 cars in 4 weeks, I learned I have multiple disks bulging into my spinal cord, I got a severe breast infection complete with cellulitis and abscess, and we got hit with some financial crappiness. Seriously November was terrible!

But it's December now. It's Christmas time and while huge part of me want to cry in my cornflakes and pout about all the crap that I have been handed, I refuse to.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. My life is awesome because I woke up today.I may be home bound right now and I may have to rely on other people right now. But, I am blessed to have those people.

The person who stole our van also wrote themselves a check. Our mortgage was refused due to ISF. That all got fixed right away and for that I am grateful.

The person who stole our van took our children's car seats including a beautiful britax seat. That was all fixed right away as well and Evie doesn't hate her new seat as much. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also took my 6 wrap, my ergo, and my meitai wrap- my three favorites for out of the house baby wearing. A stranger to me sent us a beautiful 6 wrap in colors that make me feel happy and safe and comforted. A complete stranger sent me a beautiful Tula in the same print I had been drooling over forever. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also stole Grace's stroller. A friend made time to send her DH up with one for us. I got to visit with a delicious little two year old with the best cheeks ever. I am grateful.

My church, my friends, strangers, and even people in our family have pulled together to fix this. For the first time in a long time I feel loved by some people I really thought didn't care and I am reminded how loved we are by these people who are in our lives. People that just made an effort to let me know they are thinking about us, praying for us, loving us, even from afar. I am grateful.

It made me think again about God.
Time and time again I have been questioned about faith. "how can your God make this happen"
I do not believe that God placed me here, but it was allowed to happen for a reason. Those reason may be about me, my kids, my husband, or anyone in our circle. I don't know why. But I do know this...

It is all for his Glory. It is through his fire I am refined. That thought and the support of a few really amazing people I get p and I keep focused. It is that thought that keeps me from delving into an OCD nightmare. I can feel it looming one false step it will take me down. I do not doubt it.

But I have faith.
He gave his only son for me. I got this. Because compared to that , what I got isn't even close,
My kids weren't in the van. My kids are healthy. My MMIL is also healthy (praise God). I have an amazing husband, parish, and God. Everything is under control.

To the person who took our van and cashed that check.
I don't know what you are feeling or thinking. I don't know if you still have our van. Please know that I am asking everyone to say a prayer for you too. That you see how much you are worth in God's eyes. That you know the kind of outpouring of love I have seen since you took our van. I pray for you every time I pray for me. Because you can strip me of my possessions, my money, my sense of safety, and my sense of peace for a moment. But nothing you can do can make me stop loving and praying for you. Because God loves me even when I screw up ( and trust me have I ever screwed up) and he loves you too. You don't have to believe the wind exists to feel it and even when you can't see it, it is still there.

When You Miss Someone.

When someone you love dies suddenly it changes things inside your heart forever. It leaves a black hole inside your heart that swallows up the air in the room when you go near it. It takes all the energy from you, just for a moment, every time it crosses your mind.

That is how it feels to loose someone you love when you haven't been able to say goodbye.

It's been 4 years since he passed. I remember the phone call of my dear friend crying hysterically. I remember sitting on my couch on South Main, it was blue with white diamonds. I remember the smell of my grilled cheese sandwich burning. I remember feeling like I couldn't get to her fast enough to wrap my arms around her. I remember shopping for his suit to bury him in and buying socks for him. He deserved socks with no holes... and shoes.

I just miss him so much.

He loved me even when I was a mess, no matter what.

I saw him just days before he died. He was down by the Common Park. I didn't stop because I didn't have time. that eats at me.

He had children that loved him. Oh how he loved his family. Despite everything, he always loved them. He was so proud of the three of them.

I miss his crooked smile. I miss him forcing me to eat cake. I miss him hugging me so tight I couldnt breath. I miss the silliness that was a giant part of him.  I just miss him.
Without him there is a giant hole in my heart.

What If...

What if I removed the label? What if the word autism stopped being used in our house at all? What if he was simply just Sammy? What if I pulled him from school and his diagnosis no longer mattered? What if I changed the way we do things? What if I ripped off the labels placed on him so many years ago and started over? Would it change who he is, was, or will be? Does it change anything other than the way we look at him? Would it ease his heart? What if Sam was no longer autistic simply because I chose to never use the label again?
What if he just went back to being Sammy?
Would it be so bad?

Weekend away.

We went to "The Cabin" this weekend for Sam's birthday. There was much fun involved. There also happened to be a lot of fighting (between Sam and Nate) and a lot of wine (thanks Memere) but most of all lots of great stuff.
We enjoyed some time with Memere and Pepere.

There was much cuddling.

Evangeline turned 6 months old!

Sleepy half birthday

We found a cute little breakfast place in Littleton called The Coffee Pot. The food was pretty good and the coffee was OK. The service was AWESOME! Evie sat in a highchair for the first time. She bobbled around a little and the waitress came and duct taped her lovie to the table so she would get hurt. It was very sweet. Evie also enjoyed her first taste of cantaloupe.

Sister cuddles

first taste

We found a cute little swimming hole on Rt112 . The kids found a toilet shaped rock and some super shiny rocks as well. I got to play with my camera settings and the kids enjoyed jumping from the rocks.

We went to Chutters and checked out the longest candy counter in the world! We even found some all natural gum the kids could have.

Nate could barely contain himself

In front of the candy counter.

We discovered this weekend Sam loves to sing and it really annoys Nathaniel.

We cuddled by an Epic fire that Tyler built. Tyler rode the lawnmower and cut the grass and the boys helped him.

Tyler and his handy work

Wine and Snuggles. It doesn't get any better.

We met a giant wolf spider on a free stroller.(ok maybe not giant but big enough) and Nate was thrilled by it.

How was your weekend?

Grace was "tickled" with the flowers outside Chutters

Bad Parents

I aim to be gentle with my children. I try to listen to what they say before I react. No good comes from jumping off the mountain and assuming the worst. Right? Well today Nate lost it. he just started crying over something and was so upset and angry he turned all red in the face. I laughed because it caught me off guard. This of course made him feel like I was laughing at him and that made him even more upset.
Instead of being the mother I ry to be, I lost my temper and sent him up to his room. The exact stuff I try to avoid.
It all worked out ok.


My Dearest Nate,

 You are often such a perplexing ball of boy stuffs. You are so full of life, energy, love, excitement, and emotion. Sometime I know I am too hard on you and your 6 year old self. I pray every day that I am not creating damage in your being. I love you so my little butter bean. I need to remember to look through your eyes more often like I did today when you were so sad about the lobsters. Your tiny heart ripped apart because you were so excited.

My dear boy you feel everything so acutely. You and Sammy find joy and love in the simplest of things. Rocks, sticks, bugs, and plants all bring you so much joy. I love watching you seek out everything you love.

I love your power and strength to do as you see fit. The confidence in which you seek the world astounds me because I am often too meek. you may handsome little boy are a force to be reckoned with.

I hope I have taught you that everything around you is a gift from God and deserves to be treasured. I understand your anger when others do not understand you. I appreciate you child and your ability to stand for the truth. You make me so proud.

I have watched you every single day of your life, never missing one day. I am amazed by who you are and what you have become. I cannot imagine how incredible an adult you will be. I am inspired by the carefulness in which you accomplish things. You are such a gift to me.

I know today was tough and I tried to help you gently, because its your tomorrow I am shaping. There is no room for cruelty and anger here. Just love , my sweet boy. I am sorry I yelled and sent you to your room when all you really needed was an extra hug and reassurance. You did not deserve that from me. you deserved to have your trust in me honored. I could promise not to ever make that mistake again but we both know it might happen.
You forgave me easily and snuggled beside me and our hearts healed together.
You are the epitome of love my young son and I am so very proud of you. Keep up the good work.

I have watched you the last few days and weeks finding your own self and dictating more of who you are to the world around you. Allow me to keep up with you darling boy and together we will get where we are going. I want to hold your hand and be beside you. I may not know all the answers but I do know some. Trust me as you learn to trust yourself.

Love,
Momma

When Your Rainbow Baby Brings a Storm

For those of you that don't know what a rainbow baby is.

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

"We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby."

~Urban Dictionary~

Sammy was my rainbow baby though I had never heard that phrase before. Rainbow babies are supposed to bring closure and joy and peace. He brought those things simply because he was a baby. He was born during an extremely tumultuous time in my life. there wasn't much peace about me. I also had not come to terms yet with Loosing Emma and so I never felt that relief other people might have. It doesn't help either that I lost Emma on the same day that Samuel was born.

Sam is a thunder storm in the making. He rumbles like thunder in the distance and often strikes like lightning. The storm rages in him some days as he rumbles by. It's over almost before it began.
No amount of discipline will ever change that. Nothing I can do controls the storm in him. He is simply, himself.

He has been particularly difficult this summer. Part hormones and part dis-regulation. He has been next to impossible.We are waiting for a therapist for him. I can't help but love this kid though Freak outs and all. It can get ugly here. As bad as it can be, he still hugs me and snuggles in. He squeezes me tight and asks why I smell so good. He also calls me names when he is angry. It can be maddening. While I can't change the autistic parts of him (and honestly I am not sure I would if I could) I do wish it was easier for him. I do wish life wasn't so much work for him. I do wish he was happier in his own skin. I spend hours up at night worried about the choices we make. Until you have had your own Special Needs child you can't possible understand what it is like to parent one, worry about one, love one, fear one and settle one.

He was supposed to be my rainbow baby. So what do you do when your Rainbow baby also brings a storm of his own?

4 months!

it's been four months since Miss Evangeline joined us earthside and it's hard to believe it's gone by so fast.

baby #6 =26ish weeks

baby#6 - 32ish weeks

last picture of me pregnant with baby number 6. In labor and about 30 minutes before she joined us Earthside. I wish I was one of those people that loved being pregnant, but I just don't.

I feel like a stuffed sausage with teeth when I'm pregnant. But I love babies. I really really LOVE babies.

so it's worth it.

Hopefully it's a few more years before baby #7... if there is a baby number 7 

number one was Grace, number two was Nathaniel, and number three was Evie!

Linking up tonight with Shell over at PYHO and Rocking the Bump

This is Hard

This is hard. Parenting a child with a disability is hard. there is no real way around that. It's hard, and sometimes, it sucks. No sugar coating it.

Like when you are at church with your 8 year old in the crying room because he just can't contain himself.
When that same 8 year old tells you he hates you and says mean things because he is just a mess over not finding his favorite shoes that morning. When the entire day is a  never ending series of blow ups, explosions, walking on eggshells, and teetering on the edge because of those damn shoes. When you begin to feel like maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake giving this child to you because , seriously, You are not equipped         in any way for this. When you find the shoe in the most ridiculous place and for a second fantasize about beating the teen that put it there, with the shoe. When you loose your cool, and scream and cry as though you have truly lost your mind... Those days suck. Those days are hard.There is so much else going on and so many other kids that need your attention too.When you haven't taken a family vacation in years because money is so tight.  The stress of taking your son somewhere unfamiliar is just too much. Because , after all this time you STILL worry what people think.

It's hard. No doubt about it.

but THIS ( possible trigger warning) and THIS (possible trigger warning)
makes my heart hurt in ways I can't possibly explain.

Because as much as it sucks he s still my boy. I still love him with an incredible fierceness. Despite the days I just don't wanna... I do
Because tomorrow the sun comes up. It isn't the end of the world
No matter how bad it seems

Because, once, at 14 I really thought there was no way out but a bunch of pills. Because clinical depression CAN happen and does happen even at 14. Even when people around you don't get it and think you should be happy. Maybe someday I will tell that story.



Even if it feels like no one cares... someone, somewhere does.
Even if you think it is bigger than you... it isn't bigger than two
My faith get me through those days now. By the Grace of God I make it through those days into tomorrow

I Love You

Sam has a new stim.
I see him doing it almost all the time. In places that we are quiet (church, stores, and school) he makes it a soft breathy sound. When he is alone or outside he does it and he is loud. It's constant. When he is watching TV or playing video games. he's very good at being discreet around his friends. I worry about what that kind of control might cost him. I worry that he is afraid to be himself and be OK.

I wish my boy had a world that understood him. Where people didn't say things like "see He showed empathy , he can't be autistic" or " he seems fine to me"
I want him to be in a place that people defend him and love him. I am grateful because our team does that for him. The kids in his class don't understand. They tease him for his weird behaviors, foods, and clothes choices. They tease him at lunch for his allergies and get mad that they cannot bring the snacks they want to.
But, Our TEAM stands up for him. The school Nurse goes in and talks to the kids about how serious allergies are to protect Sam and kids like him. His principle cheers him on when he makes the right choice. She returns my calls every time.

it's because of these people  working with Sam every day that I think we hit this next milestone ....


Those of you that read know how hard it is for Sam to say he loves me will understand how awesome this new development is.

He keeps repeating it to me,over and over again.
He sounds like he means it.
He hugs me every time he says it

In light of the chaos here I am amazed. It almost makes up for his new stim of sudden yelling in short bursts...

Grandparent Salute

Grandpa Gary
Every time Tyler had a fundraiser, needed help, wanted to talk, or had questions Grandpa has been there. 

This is my mom. My dad was working and couldn't make it. Nanni is always there when Tyler needs her. Whether it's for a ride, a phone, fundraisers, or just support , she has been there for him. Even rushing to our house to take care of the other littles when Tyler got hurt .

The best grandparents  that didn't need to be. They didn't need to love Tyler. They didn't NEED to treat him the same. They did it anyway. Never once has Tyler felt slighted by Memere and Pepere. They have been there for Tyler all the way from Florida! Birthday cards, get well cards, love, support and understanding. No wonder their son is so great!

Gran Gran has made such an effort lately and we are blessed by it. The support he offered Tyler when he went for surgery was a welcome comfort. 

To all of Tyler's grandparents. You are loved by Tyler. Thank you for your unconditional, unwavering love of  this amazing young man. He wouldn't be the well adjusted , well rounded young man without everything you have done to show him your unconditional, unwavering, no strings attached Love. So thank you for all you do.

How can it be THURSDAY already

How can it already be Thursday. How did my week fly by this way? Tonight is Tyler's graduation and this week has gone by much like the past 18 years. I can't believe its here. Every time I think about it I get a little more choked up. They aren't sad tears really. They are super happy tears.

I feel so blessed to have had the last 18 years with my boy. Our relationship is changing and I kind of like it. I am enjoying him more. The pressure is gone. I still take time to impart my "wisdom" on him but it just feels different.

I am enjoying this time right now. Every minute really. I will take what I can get, before you know it he will be in another state. I love him so much! I am so proud of him. He told me all about his goals and dreams for the future.  I have to say MY KID ROCKS!

I have the feeling of fleeting moments flying by, of knowing time is short, and of cherishing the moments we do have. I will take whatever I can get and make it worth it. Because, let's be honest, there never is really enough time.

His party is on Sunday at 1pm. My house. If you know where that is you're welcome to come by. We are planning a cookout and then a fire and manhunt after.


The young lady I use to watch is also graduating this weekend. I can't stand it! She has grown into the kind of young woman I want my girls to be. The right amount of sass and soft, intelligence and silliness, poise and whatever the opposite of that is!

So to all the graduates this weekend
Enjoy it. You only get to graduate high school and be 18 once. Live it up and be safe. Chase your dreams! And on your road of life remember those who have been there for you, those that love you, and those that taught you. Everyone else , shake from your shoes and move on

Memorial Day

I keep thinking about my Vavoo.

He was my hero and I loved that man with all of my heart. So much so that when he got sick I took care of him even though I had two small children at the time. Our family worked together and made sure he had around the clock care. My aunt and cousin taking the brunt of it.

He played this game with us where he threw change in the air and let us collect it from the living room. He had a chicken full of his rolled up bills and a squirrel full of quarters. He taught me how to make snowflakes from paper, turn a garden with a pitchfork, and how to tell when a tomato was ripe. He use to give me money and send me to the corner store to get his cigarettes with extra money for ice cream. He would sneak me cotton candy at the feast and buy me malassadas. He taught me how to make sublatha ( a red sauce for meats). He didn't beat me when I caused his sweetbread to fall, even though I am sure he wanted to, and he taught me how to make sheshpidos. He would hold me on his lap and sing me songs in Portuguese and he would always do my hair when I slept over. Most of all, he loved me, unconditionally. Without exception.
Even when I turned up pregnant at 17.
For those of you that know an old school Portuguese man, that is a big deal.
He was bigger than life to me. He was my Hero.

I was in mass yesterday and Msg Oliveria was talking about remembering those who fought for our freedoms and served our country. I thought of my Vavoo and how he fought in WWII.
Suddenly it occurred to me that he probably killed people.
My Vavoo...killed people.
I cant quite reconcile that in my head. He was the most gentle loving man to me. He did his job as a soldier. He was proud of his service. But, he may have had to kill people.
35 years it took me to realize that.
He remains my hero and that becomes just one more thing that makes me love him.
Not because he killed someone, but because he was still able to love after it. I am sure it changed him and in some ways broke him.
But that man was my Hero.
Nothing changes that

My Church

I was raised Catholic.

 There was a period of time where I chose to do things my way and leave the faith. It didn't work out so well to be honest.
I went back to church. I discovered my husband (who I had known forever) and he is the absolute love of my life. I started to learn more about my faith and started to understand so much more about what it meant to be Catholic. I met Michelle a few years later through AYSA and I liked her right away. She always seemed so calm , something I wasn't. She introduced me to the ladies and mom at SFX. I'll be honest some of them scared me at first. The Energy the ladies had was amazing. I later learned it was because the Spirit was in the room and really did move these ladies. The Entire parish loved us, accepted us and took us in. We moved over to SFX and we have been there happily ever since. I learned about adoration, Divine Mercy Sunday, Confession, Forgiveness, and real Faith.

Apparently I am still learning.

This time about Generosity, Love, and Service.

I am forced to rest right now. The people of our church all came together and set up child care for a week after Daniel used his PTO. Meals are being delivered every night for us. There are a bunch of other things that are being done to help. We have friends taking care of an issue with the house. Not to mention the love and care of all these people praying for us and checking in on us.

I really love my church family.

In case you forgot...

 I know I forgot. I have officially been reminded.