When Your Rainbow Baby Brings a Storm

For those of you that don't know what a rainbow baby is.

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

"We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby."

~Urban Dictionary~

Sammy was my rainbow baby though I had never heard that phrase before. Rainbow babies are supposed to bring closure and joy and peace. He brought those things simply because he was a baby. He was born during an extremely tumultuous time in my life. there wasn't much peace about me. I also had not come to terms yet with Loosing Emma and so I never felt that relief other people might have. It doesn't help either that I lost Emma on the same day that Samuel was born.

Sam is a thunder storm in the making. He rumbles like thunder in the distance and often strikes like lightning. The storm rages in him some days as he rumbles by. It's over almost before it began.
No amount of discipline will ever change that. Nothing I can do controls the storm in him. He is simply, himself.

He has been particularly difficult this summer. Part hormones and part dis-regulation. He has been next to impossible.We are waiting for a therapist for him. I can't help but love this kid though Freak outs and all. It can get ugly here. As bad as it can be, he still hugs me and snuggles in. He squeezes me tight and asks why I smell so good. He also calls me names when he is angry. It can be maddening. While I can't change the autistic parts of him (and honestly I am not sure I would if I could) I do wish it was easier for him. I do wish life wasn't so much work for him. I do wish he was happier in his own skin. I spend hours up at night worried about the choices we make. Until you have had your own Special Needs child you can't possible understand what it is like to parent one, worry about one, love one, fear one and settle one.

He was supposed to be my rainbow baby. So what do you do when your Rainbow baby also brings a storm of his own?

Poor Sammy

Sammy has poison ivy. He found a cool looking vine, ripped it off the wall, and wrapped himself in it. He looked like something from Lord of the Flies. My darling husband noticed it first and was very shocked. You see we were at the farmer's market across from our house and Sam was "playing" with the neighborhood girls. They keep a close eye on him and they are always sure to let me know when he gets out of line. I want his childhood to be as normal as I can make it. I don't ever want autism to be an excuse for him to not do something he is capable of. Because, he is so capable.

So we washed Sammy down hoping that he would not be sensitive to poison ivy. My oldest son can play with it and never get a bubble.

Sam was not so lucky. It is everywhere.He is very uncomfortable and there isn't much we can do. We gave him steroids a few years back for croup and he was almost hospitalized for a severe reaction. We can't give him Benadryl because he has a paradoxyl reaction and becomes jittery and hyper. We settled on a liquid Claritin and it seems to be helping, just not enough. he has woken every night this week in tears because he is so uncomfortable.
It is everywhere and his body is reacting to it and causing hives on top of it.

But, he has learned never to touch poison ivy again. He can now identify it and he is aware of it.

Sometimes lessons can be painful and hard to overcome.

It had me comparing this to a lot of different things in my life. Change is hard and sometimes the result can be brutal. We learn one way or another and it isn't always the easy way.
I am grateful to have my faith to turn to when things don't make sense. It's the "liquid Claritin" my body needs and while it may not always take away the entire sting of the heartbreak (because I am still human after all) it helps to give me rest.

So while there are a few things weighing on me right now I know that this too shall pass. Until then I'll take my medicine and stay close to my Faith.

This is Hard

This is hard. Parenting a child with a disability is hard. there is no real way around that. It's hard, and sometimes, it sucks. No sugar coating it.

Like when you are at church with your 8 year old in the crying room because he just can't contain himself.
When that same 8 year old tells you he hates you and says mean things because he is just a mess over not finding his favorite shoes that morning. When the entire day is a  never ending series of blow ups, explosions, walking on eggshells, and teetering on the edge because of those damn shoes. When you begin to feel like maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake giving this child to you because , seriously, You are not equipped         in any way for this. When you find the shoe in the most ridiculous place and for a second fantasize about beating the teen that put it there, with the shoe. When you loose your cool, and scream and cry as though you have truly lost your mind... Those days suck. Those days are hard.There is so much else going on and so many other kids that need your attention too.When you haven't taken a family vacation in years because money is so tight.  The stress of taking your son somewhere unfamiliar is just too much. Because , after all this time you STILL worry what people think.

It's hard. No doubt about it.

but THIS ( possible trigger warning) and THIS (possible trigger warning)
makes my heart hurt in ways I can't possibly explain.

Because as much as it sucks he s still my boy. I still love him with an incredible fierceness. Despite the days I just don't wanna... I do
Because tomorrow the sun comes up. It isn't the end of the world
No matter how bad it seems

Because, once, at 14 I really thought there was no way out but a bunch of pills. Because clinical depression CAN happen and does happen even at 14. Even when people around you don't get it and think you should be happy. Maybe someday I will tell that story.



Even if it feels like no one cares... someone, somewhere does.
Even if you think it is bigger than you... it isn't bigger than two
My faith get me through those days now. By the Grace of God I make it through those days into tomorrow

I missed it

Yesterday was awful , a seriously terrible evening.

Upon further reflection, It occurred to me

I missed the good stuff. I focused on the dark gloomy greyness of the end of the day. I need to celebrate more.

Sam had a friend over.
A friend. Like for real! Someone that likes to spend time with Sammy. He and Sammy go along pretty well. Sam seemed happy I noticed a lot of similarities between the boys

regardless Sammy had friend over. I should have focused on that before anything. Its HUGE.

its a big deal. And I was so busy crying on my cupcakes I missed it.

Isolated

I have been feeling pretty isolated lately. Sam and Nate are at each others throats every time I take them anywhere , so leaving the house with everyone just isn't an option really. My teens have been sulky and have not wanted to help much lately. I am 35+ weeks pregnant and feeling very stressed. Grace has been super clingy as well. My house is a mess because I just cant get it done anymore. Dan is stressed trying to work two jobs, so I can't really talk to him about anything , because well, he has enough to deal with on his own right now.

I feel isolated, alone, and frustrated. I hate feeling this way. Its hard for me to do bedtime, dinner clean up, next day prep, homework with Sammy, nurse grace to bed, and write. That's a good day. Add to that behaviors for Sammy, wrestling matches, practice, Nate, Sam and Grace missing daddy and it's a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my time is spend worrying about everyone but me. It makes me feel like I am completely isolated , which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel selfish, which makes me feel guilty.

It's hard to give 100% all the time, even when you don't want to. I acknowledge that this is what I have chosen for my life and as a result I need to suck it up and just keep going. I just can't figure out how I am going to be able to keep my head down and push forward when Squish gets here. I have to find time to make some freezer meals, find a place for another baby dresser, and get everything all set for when I am in the hospital having baby.


It's times like this that all I have to lean back on is my faith. I truly believe that as crappy as things are right now, it will get better and it will be OK.  I am so grateful that I am able to hold fast to the help and love of Jesus through all of this, because if I didn't have that, I likely wouldn't be here. It would have ended many years ago at Jones Beach. If it weren't for my faith , the love of God, an angel, and a miracle, I wouldn't be here writing. Sam, Nate, Grace, and Squish would not be here.

I am just grateful tonight that no matter how dark it gets right now, it will never be as dark as that afternoon on Jones Beach.

Ribbons and Bows

The sound of feet running up the stairs to jump on the bed with joy that Santa came doesn't happen here. Last year Nate got excited and jumped on the bed screaming that Santa came, and Sam decked him. Apparently he learned and it did not happen again this year. Sam came down 2 hours before everyone else and proceeded to have a full blown behavior. A carry over from the night before I am sure, but terrifying none the less.

The night before Daniel had to work his second job so I had to get all five children ready for my mom's house and it was horrible. Sam was physical and angry. He was anxious and that made him uncontrollable. We were supposed to be there for 5...we got there closer to 6:30. I just wanted to cry and quit to be honest., but the other 4 children deserved a Christmas. I cried a lot and by the time I got to my mom's house I was spent. The boys opened their gifts and enjoyed it all well enough. The littles got these cool helicopters and the spinning blades were enough to center Sam.  By the time we got home Sam was on the edge again and lost it. He got so upset he threw up everywhere.

Christmas morning was more of the same and I dreaded church.I left my camera at my moms so I have no pictures from Christmas morning. Daniel and I were in foul moods after dealing with Sam, not enough sleep, stress, and just holiday blah. I was sulking on the ride to church when I saw a tiny cross in the window of a house we passed. I must pass that house every single time I leave my house. But today I saw the little white cross and it made me think...
There are 26 families celebrating without someone they love in CT. 20 families that likely had gifts for their children wrapped and hidden and would give anything for the messy house and wrapping paper blizzard. 20 families that aren't going to get a Christmas morning at all. There will be no giggling kids, no toys, no joy in their house at all.

I snapped out of my funk really fast and looked back at Sammy, all puffy eyed and red faced from crying. I told him I loved him. I looked back at Nate and told him too...and Tyler...and AJ. I adjusted my attitude to one of gratitude and calm and it all seemed instantly better. I kissed my husbands cheek after church and reminded him.. we. are . blessed.

Trying So Hard

I am trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the extra week with Sammy. I am trying to find good things to write about. it's a struggle right now. Yesterday was so bad I almost completely lost my shit. Yes.... really! I am talking a crying, yelling, flipping out, foot stomping, crazy lady freak out!

Nate has had enough of Sammy and has twice now lost it on him and began pummeling him into the ground after relentless teasing. Right now he is sitting beside me because he came to tell me " right now I feel like I want to punch him in the face"

Not pretty here. We're going to head out to the park even though I feel like crap because I cannot possible take another minute here. I am hoping for some baking later as well.

On a plus side I did get a ton of laundry done yesterday. I am so very behind from summer and being so sick with Squish. 14 weeks today and the next few days will be full of fear and panic. My midwife made me feel better when she said " These things are out of our control, you are healthy and so is the baby. That should give you some comfort. Yes, bad things can happen, but try to focus on the positive" I love my midwife and her ability to call it like it is.

Sam's day yesterday was less then stellar. He broke Nate's bed, screamed, yelled, cried, punched walls, and hurt the little girl next door. He was hell on wheels in every sense of the word all.day.long. He lost his stuffing over and over with every request I made of him. Finally I just had enough and let him chill with The SIMS. He loves to build houses. He laid down with us last night and sighed and said...

"I am a lucky boy. I have a mommy and a daddy and a family. They love me"

so I guess it wasn't all bad. In the end, the entire day of crap was worth that 3 second sentence at the end.

What If

I feel stuck.

I am having some minor health issues right now. My kidneys tend to flare up here and there and unfortunately I am dealing with a major flare up right now. Being pregnant makes it harder to deal with. I had too many nuts and not enough water. I was trying to increase my protein intake to make sure baby bean grows ok. Now I'm in pain and on medicine and all of that makes me worry. I have no choice but to take the antibiotics since my kidneys are badly infected and they hurt. Dealing with this on top of some other emotional drama makes me feel yucky. So I feel stuck.

Stuck because I have to take these meds and I don't know that they are really "safe". What if What if What if... It's like being on a never ending carousel ride that plays off key music. I can't quite make it stop and that makes it hard.

I took Zoloft when I was pregnant with Sammy. I was depressed. There were so many hurtful bad things going on in my life back then. Two things in particular that shook me beyond anything I could ever put into words.I couldn't cope, so I cleaned. I would stay up to all hours of the night crying and cleaning. I was out of control and the only think keeping me moving forward was the boys. I needed to be there for them. I needed help, so I got help.

Now there are studies linking Zoloft to autism. Damn it. Damn It DAMN IT! like I dont blame myself enough already? As if the guilt doesn't kill me every single time that kid melts down. As if I wasn't already blaming myself. But it was safe then, or so they thought. I had to do something...right?

So what if these "safe medications" I am taking now change the game plan? What If ...What IF... WHAT IF?

Out to Dinner

I was so tired Saturday that the idea of cooking anything at all made me want to cry. We don't usually go out to dinner because Sammy just doesn't do well. Plus with 5 kids, two of them teenage boys, we often cannot even think about affording it. The older  boys are away with their youth group, so its just The adults and the littles. So off we went. Sammy wanted the place with the peanuts! Texas roadhouse it is. Sam was PERFECT. the food was good and the waitress was awesome. She brought out 4 kids waters and recounted the kids 3-4 times, smiled sheepishly and and said " Hmm, why did I think there were four kids" We had a good giggle and sucked down the water.

He ate, he stayed in his seat. he followed the rules and he used his manners. I watched him crack one peanut after another. Every time he was almost surprised their was soemthing inside. he found a giant peanut in one and started bouncing yelling "JACKPOT!!!JACKPOT!!!" Thankfully that place is loud enough that no one noticed and no one cared. I actually relaxed for the first time in a long time and just enjoyed the kids.

 

Grace was a hoot! she kept dancing to the music and asking Daddy and Sam to dance too. She kept kissing Sammy and singing to him. She learned how to be a zombie! I can't wait to get that on video!

Nate cracked every single nut on his head. Like the "I'm racking a nut" video a few months ago. He is such a unique child. He really does brighten my day.

He went off the BJ's after. We needed yogurt and eggs and a few other things. We were there less than 15 minutes...

Yup you guessed it. I pressed my luck and pushed him to far. He melted down in the checkout line. I had to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself. The little girl beside me stared at us so shocked that a child her age would behave that way. We finally got out of the store and got calmed and he bolted across the lot.

I know better then to push him. I know better than to think 2 difficult things in one night are a good idea. WHAT WAS I THINKING. We should have ended on a good note, instead it was chaos.

Second Chances

I have been puzzling something out. It's hard for me to feel like I don't have the answers. I just don't know what to make of things right now. I can't quiet wrap my head around any of it. Do you think there is such a thing as a Do-Over? Does God really do that? Is it possible? Maybe It's just wishful magical thinking?


On a side note Sammy has been super affectionate lately. He keeps rubbing his cheek against my shoulder when I'm wearing tank tops. It's probably just a a stim but Right now I will take it. I don't really get hugs unless I ask. I will get "hug-kiss-snuggle-hug" before I leave the house every time.

We finished our first week of summer vacation and we have all lived. I think that is an amazing feat in and of itself ! Don't you think so?

 Sammy has a behavior protocol at home he earns blocks for every half hour he follows the rules. Good choices,gentle hands,gentle words and respect. today he earned 12 total which has never happened before. However , even though he has the blocks he can count he is obsessing over them. every 2 minutes "how many blocks did I earn now?" over and over and over. enough to drive me insane. I think we may need a timer. Any suggestions?

One Foot

I want so badly to write a happy post, I do. I feel like sometimes people think my life is always horrible. It isn't I promise. I am just a control freak who likes to micro manage the world around me. I get upset when things aren't my kind of right or perfect.
My friend has a great saying "avoid the wrecking ball at all costs" well....
Easier said than done my friend...easier said than done. However it's just one foot in front of the other
You see, the issue with a wrecking ball is it starts out small. By the time it's this giant mammoth of destruction you have gotten so use to it that it's too late. It's hard to see it with blinders on.

So back to that happy post. I woke up today to some unexpected stuff. While that is downloading and processing I will leave you with this.

This is where Dan found Sam the other day. In , yes IN, the dog food bag with a bag of chips.

Long Days and Longer Nights

Sam has been having a rough time lately and as a result the entire family has been in a tail spin, I am being bombarded with reports from the bus, from school, from my husband while I am at work. He comes in ans starts bullying his brother or me. He is swearing at EVERYONE any time he gets even slightly frustrated. I am at a loss and I am just plain tired. Tonight he ran away... like really

ran away.

My heart stopped.

What can I do to stop this craziness? How can I protect him from himself? He has no idea what could happen and there isn't any real way i can explain it to him.
I just keep thinking what if he runs away when I am work. What if he runs away and gets hit by a car? What if I have to call the police and they take him away from me?
That last one hits home. I spend every waking moment dealing with this. I am doing my best. I give it every single thing I have in me.

What if it isn't enough?

What if it isn't enough to protect my little fluffy headed Sammy. My sweet boy who often smells like growing grass and smiles with every inch of his body is so vulnerable. So fragile, so...confused and there isn't anything I can do to help him.
No amount of tears will bring him back if something happens. He doesn't know where he lives, he doesn't know his address. He just knows his name and the name of his school, but school is out in just a few days. How am I going to do this? I can deal with the bad behavior, the PICA, the stories, I can deal with the refusals and the frustration. I can deal with it when he can't find the words and he gets so mad he screams. I can deal with the swearing.

I can't deal with the running away, because I have no control. I have no real say. I can't make it better.
I have to install locks he can't reach or unfasten. I need alarms on the windows. How am I going to afford all of this? How can I not do it? his life depends on it at this point.

I love this boy so much and I would do anything to protect him. I am 50+ miles away at work right now and I am so afraid he won't be in his bed in the morning. I would protect him from anyone that ever tried to hurt him. What happens when the person hurting them, is them. WHAT THEN?!

The Necklace

I received a gift in the mail this week. Completely unexpected and wonderful, more than enough to brighten my day. I follow an amazing blogger named Jess over at Diary of a Mom and she is just incredible. She often makes me cry, always makes me think, and sometimes even makes me giggle. She posted this site back in May   for Autism Jewelry and I fell in love with one of the necklaces. Jokingly I posted it to my page and told the world I wanted it for Mother's Day. Never did I think anyone was listening or really paying attention. In fact I think the only response I got was my boss / cousin asking for a diamond tennis bracelet. I forgot about it as Mother's Day came and went.

It's been a rough few weeks here. School transitions, end of year issues,temperature changes, allergies, returning to work, jury duty, and an intensity increase in Sam's fear of water have left me feeling borderline ... well just borderline. I spend much of last weekend contemplating what my family might do if I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a padded room. I am not kidding, it was that bad. I even at one point just sat down and sobbed hysterically. Not my finest moment for certain and a dear friend (Mr.W) "I did not perform well". I am just exhausted both physically and mentally.

Then this week a package came in the mail addressed to me. I didn't recognize the return address and it wasn't my birthday, I hadn't ordered anything, and I wasn't expecting anything. I opened it to find a beautiful lavender colored box. There was a slip inside with a vague reference to a gift from someone not mentioned and a delay. Still at a loss I looked and found a business card from The Jewel Box Studio. suddenly I remembered the post I made and got super excited. I opened the box and found this

My Beautiful Necklace

It made my day. I still do not know who sent it.

Whoever you are.
Thank you,  From the bottom of my shattered heart. It came at a moment when I felt so alone I couldn't breath. I was drowning in self doubt and fear. I will spare you the details of the pity party I was indulging in because those details aren't necessary. What is important is that you know how very grateful I am for this gift. I don't know if it was just a simple gesture on your part or if you really knew how much this would mean to me, it doesn't matter. Thank you so much whoever you are.It.is.beautiful.

Just One Day

Someone pointed out today that I seem to question myself as a mother and they asked if I wanted to change it. I replied that I was working on it, and it was getting better. I thought about it on the way home. I don't know if better is accurate, different for sure but better? Let's be real, it isn't better.

I feel like a failure. I feel like a fraud. I feel like it's all my fault. I second guess everything.

Before Sammy was first diagnosed I thought about what I was doing wrong. What was different about`what I did with Sammy  vs. the older boys? Oh I worked, that must be it. I convinced myself that having a job, even though they came with me, must have been the root of it. I worked on a farm (oh how I loved that job) and the kids came too. I didn't leave them and that was awesome but being at work meant I couldn't attend to them the way I would have at home. I was convinced I must have damaged him somehow. When I stopped working I poured myself into him and still I was met by a wall. For years I blamed me, and some of me still does. A lot of me actually. It's better some days than others. Sort of like standing on the beach in the sand, if you get to close to the water the waves sweep the sand away. That wave is my grief over the life my children have, it sometimes comes out of nowhere, like a tsunami. Other times it's like the rising tide on a flat beach that overtakes you when you aren't looking.

The part that is so hard right now is I work now too. I worked when Nate was little too. I work nights. I like my job but I miss my kids. I hate leaving my family to be with someone else's children. It seems so backwards. I feel guilty every time I leave. It hollows me out inside every time. My house is never clean enough. My  tone is never calm enough and the laundry is never done.I wonder if that is why Nate is such a handful. I wonder if that is why some people see him as a spoiled brat. It must all be my fault. Am I setting Grace up for the same exact thing in a few years. Am I too indulgent to make up for leaving? Am I trying to make up for Sammy having autism?

I don't hold anyone else to my standard, just me. I just want one day where the demons of self doubt don't chase me. Just. One. Day

For Granted

When you have special needs children , you don't take things for granted the same way other people might. I don't assume my kids will walk and talk on time. It's always a huge relief when they do. I watch all the kids move through their developmental milestones and I check them off my list. Like a constant imaginary check list only I can see.
eye contact ...ehhh check
play skills .. yup check
responds to name... check
points... CHECK!
I still watch with an over critical eye. Nate has some weird things he likes to do. I worry I am missing something. he will screech for no reason and then go back to playing. He will verbally stim on silly words and get stuck on other words or sounds and just repeat them. I find him lining up stuff and he can be so very rigid in his thinking. He has sensory issues and hates socks just like Sammy too.

It could be personality. He is a headstrong little guy. He is too social for me to really worry. He warms up slowly but once he is comfortable - watch out! I am so scared I am going to miss something. How much is just what he has learned from Sammy? How much is just adaptive behavior to deal with the chaos that Sammy brings to our house? How much is an issue?

What if I miss it again?

I watch Grace and I go through the same list. What if I am wrong? Again.

The upswing to this is that every single milestone seems so huge. I am aware and focused on them. I enjoy watching the children work to acquire the new skills. It's like every day is Christmas here. I don't know if I would ever have thought this way without Sammy and his issues. How can someone feel so happy and so sad at the same time? Nothing in life is ever just sweet anymore though. There is always a bitter edge to any accomplishment.

I have been watching Nate slowly pass Sammy and that is getting difficult. Sammy can see some of it and he is frustrated too. Sam works so hard, it's just easier for Nate. What is going to happen when Grace passes Sammy too?

Until we get there I won't worry too much. I will just try to relax and enjoy where we are. I don't assume tomorrow brings anything, but I am always hopeful.

Sunshine

Sometimes I get rainbows with Sammy. It's as if the windows fly open on a warm summer morning by the ocean. The breeze comes in and calms my soul, quiets my mind and helps me to see the flowers that bloom in my life. Flowers like my precious boy, so proud of himself.  He cut his hair, all by himself.

I was so frustrated at first, and also pretty angry! He was a little sad he cut his superman curl (the curl under his bangs and the only curl on his entire head) He showed everyone how he cut his hair all by himself! I have never seen that boy so proud of himself. He went to school with it as is since he wont let me fix it. I really hope the kids don't tease him.

He was giving out shopping carts at Market Basket yesterday as well, just so he could let people know that he cut his own hair.

fluffy head before

after ~ with daddy's glasses too!

I am blessed with a boy who has sunshine moments inside of some rather dark days. I am blessed with a breeze today.

Mother's Day

I am in my room, resting and having some quiet time. I cuddled with Nate and Grace this morning and then dan went downstairs to take care of the kitchen (AJ's party was last night so the kitchen isn't as clean as I would like). He is making coffee.
30 seconds into my mother's day back rub and Nate starts screeching and crying. that was 9 minutes ago. So far now Sammy is melting down, Grace is screaming, and all hell is breaking loose downstairs. Yes, this is my mother's day.

Daniel just brought me up a cup of coffee and when I asked what was going on he said "nothing everything is fine" and ran out of the room. I assume if there was blood or disembowelment I would know. RIGHT ?
So I am trying to be good and stay here like a good girl. I don't want to ruin their mother's day for me. God help me we have a christening and a first communion today, AJ's birthday, and Emily's (Tyler's girlfriend) confirmation.
Sammy is now screaming as though he has been possessed in the next room. Grace is screaming because Sam is.
turns out Sammy lost the card he made me and is freaking out.
THIS is my mother's day what is your like today?

Where it Began

It's been a crazy week here. Tantrums, refusals, non compliance and angry outbursts. I'm writing to forget about what this week is like. I need to get out of my own way.I don't know where this post is going. I don't know what to write. I just know I need to write.

Where did this began? How did I get here?

I can sugar coat the world I was in or I can be real. This life here, as difficult as it is now, is still easier than my life before. It's still brighter and less emotionally taxing then the way things felt before Sammy, before Autism.

Yet the life I was living so many years ago before  was filled with shadow and pain. I was broken inside. My life before Dan, Sam, Nate and Grace was a blue vase. I can't say I loved it. I didn't. I wanted to run from it every day. I hated the life I was living and some nights I went to bed praying that God would take me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to face another day. I was desperate, I was broken, and I wanted out. 

Things fell apart and I fell deeper. I felt like I was underground walking through mud. I felt scared and lonely all the time. I had no direction. I couldn't breath. I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt people. I hurt myself. I allowed too much and never put my foot down. I was scared all the time.  My blue vase was shattered into a thousand nasty little sharp pieces.  I was angry at everyone. I was angry at God. I was , most of all, angry at me.I lived it , but I didn't "get it" I had an older son with Aspergers but the effect of it was minimal. It wasn't real because it didn't really change anything. He was in 3rd grade by the time we knew anything was really up. It didn't hit me like the freight train Sammy's diagnosis did. 

I found direction a few years later. I found my strength and started moving towards the life I have now. I discovered in the space between that I am far stronger than I even give myself credit for. I found my faith and made peace with God. I took some extra deep breaths. God fixed my vase, and made a beautiful blue serving platter. Now it doesn't  just hold the things I like, it serves everyone around me.
 then Sam was diagnosed. It shattered me, or so I thought. I thought my beautiful blue serving tray had been broken, it wasn't. Everything is just the way it should be here. Sammy is wonderfully made and who he is. It is Sammy (and this blog) that brought people to me.  i wish Sammy didn't have to hurt and struggle. I wish it was easier for him. I wish I was a better mom for him some days.

I am working through where I was so I can get to where I need to be. I have found, on this journey that It isn't always the strength that matters. Sometimes, we have to be soft and malleable so that we can accept, adapt, and move on.

I have love now. I have safety.I spent a long time being super strong and guarding my emotions. I didn't cry, I didn't feel, and sometimes I didn't sleep. Since having Grace, I have found a softer side that I wasn't sure I had, there may even be a few bunnies having tea around here.

So even though my week has been hellish and I want to pull my hair out, I have also been very blessed and loved this week.  No matter how bad it gets here, even at it's darkest hour, it is still far better now than it ever was then. 

The Angry Elf ~ My Heart Monday

Sammy's behavior plan tanked today. he earned exactly 0 yes ZERO minutes today. He has had one behavior after another since he got home. He refused to work at school unless he was in the principles office. He came home with 6 papers that he didn't finish at school. Even chance won't go near him he is so out of control. He is currently trying to break my door down with his own body.

I hate this.

I hate how he feels and there is nothing I can do.

I am tired.

Apparently, so is he.

the work he needs to do is in pieces on the floor crumbled up. I am  officially at a loss. I feel like were on an airplane and the cabin pressure changed. I miss when things were simple and I could just be mommy and a cuddle worked. I tried hugging him and that didn't go so well either.

I need a vacation from Sammy.

I don't know what the issue is this year. I have never seen him be this defiant to anyone in the world but me.
There is one side of me that feel validated, as though I have finally made my point. It isn't just me. Sammy really is autistic. I didn't make it up and it isn't my fault.
The other side of me says it must be the teacher's fault. the other part of me feels sad were dealing with this .I fell lost and frustrated because I don't know what to do.

It isn't fair I want to blame his teacher. I don't want people blaming me, so why am I blaming her. I am ashamed at my response.

So I'm going to go run and get it out. I will take a deep breath.
I need to find an out of the box way to deal with this. if you have suggestions I would love to hear it.

Sometimes

Sometimes in my house it's quiet and peaceful. When everyone sleeps in their beds snuggled in beside their pillows and stuffies. Sometimes in my house ,if I close my eyes real tight, I feel like everything is perfect and wonderful.

Sometimes I look around and feel nothing more than overwhelming joy that I am so blessed with all that I have. Sometimes I even get a cup of hot coffee all to myself. Sometimes I get to finish it while it is still hot.

Sometimes I look at the clothes to wash and dishes to do and it makes me cry. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with where I am in my head that I can hardly take another breath.

Sometimes I struggle with balance and being a good mom. I struggle with understanding when certain things shouldn't matter. Sometimes the messy bedroom, dirty dishes, and forgotten home work have to be swept under the rug and forgotten for the day. Sometimes they scream my name as I walk out the door with my sunblock in hand as we head to the park. Sometimes I get to the park and feel guilty.

Sometimes I just feel so grateful that I am so very blessed and happy. sometimes I look at my husband and I see the person he was before we embarked on this incredible, hectic, intense life of ours. Sometimes I remember how young we use to be.

Sometimes in my house it's just quiet, just the way I wished it would be a few hours before when everyone was talking or screaming or crying or yelling. Sometimes, when it is that quiet I get lonely. I sneak over to the little ones and snuggle beside them. I kiss they foreheads and nuzzle their ears. I say prayers over them and inhale the scent of them.

Sometimes in my house and it's just quiet and Sometimes...it really bothers me