Depth

I have six children.
I love being a mother.

most days

Some days,  I feel so out of my depth. Some days, I skate into the home stretch of children in bed and quiet in the house. It's nights like tonight where I can only think " My God , I have to do this again tomorrow"

Thankfully those days aren't often, but they happen.
Today was awesome, tonight was a challenge.

Nate went up to tell Sam dinner was ready. Everyone had a great day. Nate went to field day, Sam had a friend over for a little while. Sam was half asleep when Nate went to get him for dinner. So Sam punched him, Nate cried which infuriated Sam more. Then Sammy pummeled Nate, AJ intervened and Sam escalated, then Ty intervened and I removed everyone and dealt with it. It was brutal, and ugly, and one of those moments that make me think that perhaps I am not a very good parent.

six children.

It's a challenge.

And some days it just sucks.

So tonight I will have a glass of wine. I will thank God for my blessings, for my trials, for the ups and the downs and for the little time that I get as their mom. When babies are born it feels like every day takes forever, but I promise you that if you just blink a little too long, they are 18.

It's kind of like a roller coaster. You wait in line, you get strapped into the car, you are so scared of the drop and the loops but before you know it the ride is over and all you have is the memory of it.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

In the morning I will do it all over again. I just hope tomorrow ends on an up-note.

Concert

Wood School is being torn down. In just a few short days the old school will be a memory and the new school construction will begin. Sam is having a very difficult time with it. The staff  at the school have been so awesome with Sammy. I really feel blessed to have the school community that we do. It's been crappy here so Im going back to the good stuff.

They had their concert this week and it was awesome. Very emotionally charged because of it really being the last concert for Wood School. I watched Sam sing and realised how much fun he has performing. He likes to be on stage and singing or acting. A few years ago I would have said it wasn't possible, but it is now!

He was awesome Nate, Grace, and I watched the concert as they had their snack. Grace didn't finish hers so I left it on the bench. Grace got  fidgety. I brought her to the back of the room. We saw Sam in the hall after the concert while they waited to preform the finale. I got a great video of his teacher and him dancing,

When Sammy walked into the room for the finale he grabbed the rest of the bar I left and ate it. His poor teacher panicked. I felt so bad for her. I did make him apologize and he was super embarrassed. He just has absolutely no impulse control. To him he did't do anything wrong since HE knew it was safe. I bet his teacher is glad the year is almost over!

Stolen Moments

There have been many goings-on around here lately. I kind of feel as though the BIG GUY upstairs has been trying to get my attention. Some of the ways are subtle,others aren't. I am not sure what he is getting at but I can feel my heart changing drastically from who I use to be. It seems every few years God sends me off in another direction that makes no sense to me at first. Sometimes I get mad and flip out. I hope there aren't video playbacks in heaven. I can see me now screaming at the top of my lungs at God while driving 80 down the highway. Not my finest moment, but it's who I am.

I am getting to a point in my life where I am done apologizing for who I am. If it doesn't work then I move on. Sometimes though, it takes a lot for me to figure out that it isn't working.

Sunday at Mass Monseigneur said something that made me choke up right there in church. He was talking about  sin and how we can convince ourselves that it's ok, we just have to do a few things after to make it right (confession, penance..ect) but thats when the real evil takes hold. We hear that voice in our heads "You worthless nothing, haven't you already used up all of Gods graces by now?" Just typing the words right now made my eyes sting and my throat catch.

I wish I had a penny for every time I have heard that. It comes up almost daily, even when I haven't done something wrong. I hear it over and over. It never fails that evil just knows where the soft spots are. It comes after you in much the same way Voldermort went after Harry.

The message I hear every day is that I am not enough. I am weak. I can't make it work. I am a failure.
I am not strong enough.
not alone anyway

That's where my faith has to come in. Without it I would never get out of bed.



Matthew West - Strong Enough (Official Music Video) from matthew-west on GodTube.

For My 1 in 88s

My darling boy, my sweet sweet Sammy. You can't possibly understand how very much I love you. Too the moon and stars isn't even close and 10-100 is too small a number. My darling feather headed boy, you light my days with your smile and hope. You shine  through your beautiful blue eyes like nothing I have ever seen before. I cannot imagine my days without you. I love you so much, your being, entwined in  my heart strings. I keep you close by and hold tightly because I don't know what your future holds. You asked me tonight to check your brother to make sure he was ok, one year ago that would have never happened. The moments and phrases that are uniquely you make my heat leap with joy and pride. Seeing your beautiful school pictures come home, with your hair that you combed yourself. You are a powerful force my boy. You are amazing in so many ways that even we haven't figured out yet. you have made me aware of emotions I wasn't entirely sure I could feel. I am grateful to be your mother.

Even in your darker moments, my fluffy headed boy, your being resonates with everything around you in a way I have yet to find words for. You are often so connected yet detached, happy yet sad, angry yet joyful and always uniquely you.

My sweet fluffy headed boy I hope you know how much I love you. That someday, when your "big as daddy", you will read these words I have written for you and smile. You will picture me with my arms wrapped tightly around you and my nose buried in your hair and you will remember what it was like to be  little. I pray that you will be happy with where you have been, who you are, and what you have accomplished. You see for some of us, things come easy. Yet, we still give up, we still complain and we still get angry with God because we just don't understand.

 So for now I want you to know.
 I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU.

I have done something out of the ordinary, something hard and scary for me. I signed up to participate in a half marathon for you. Because I can't fix so many things that are difficult for you, the least I can do is step outside of my comfort zone, raise a flag, raise awareness ,raise money for autism. I am doing this for you my sweet fluffy headed boy, because after all the determination you have showed me in you life it is the least I can do.

I hope someday you look back and remember how very much I loved you. I hope you read this in 30 years and it makes those difficult moments less painful. . I can't eliminate sorrow or stress, I can't make the world bunnies and tea parties. I can't save the world. But you sweet fluffy headed boy make me really believe I can.


And as always Linking up with Shell over at Things I Can't Say

Perspective ~ Blogging for Avery's Bucket List

Have you ever had those days where you just feel sorry for yourself?  Do you have those days where you just look at everything around you with an ungrateful angry eye? It can't be just me. I know I can't be the only one here that has bad days and I can't be the only one who cries in my coffee some mornings. This is hard. It really is and on those days when nothing is right and everything is sad I feel sorry for myself.

Yesterday being one of those days in reality this week has been horrid.This week I had dreams crushed,stress increased and drama unfold . The baby girl had a fever and a weird rash, then Sammy started feeling sick, nothing was getting done, then my tooth broke. I found out at the dentist that I would have to have yet another tooth pulled. "Just add it to the partial you are going to make" was the response of the dentist. Yeah thanks it's just that easy. I am 34 years old and I have some dental issues, those have caused me to loose most of my back teeth at this point. You see, not taking care of your wisdom teeth can apparently cause roots across your other teeth to shift and break, that causes hairline fractures in the tooth, opening them to decay. My teeth often go from the inside and by the time I know something is up,its too late. It sucks and I was really angry.
I sat there on the way home crying (who thinks that it wasn't necessarily just about the tooth?) and yelling at God that I didn't get it. This week has been one major disappointment after another and I was angry. I keep asking God what exactly it is he wants from me... I still haven't gotten an answer. It's almost funny right now how angry I was about this. Then I came home and relaxed for a while on face book and I found this.

Avery's Bucket List

I will let you head over and take a gander. It's ok I will wait, I have time. All I could think was "My God, and I was angry over a tooth"
It got me thinking... How does a person parent when the end result isn't going to matter? How does that change your train of thought on which to choose? I had read on another blog a while back the same concept, the child was older when they found out and for whatever reason it didn't resonate like this does. Perhaps its that Avery reminds me of grace, perhaps the joyful looks on mom and dad's faces coupled with the words of a post "SMA please don't take my smile away" It's hard for me not to cry. What do you do when those big decisions that the rest of us stress over have absolutely no consequence? The end result never changes, it's always the same. This little girl may live to be 18 months. That is just six short months from now for Grace. After looking at my girl, and reading Avery's blog I thanked God for his blessing and I quit whining.

Because yes while this is hard and this can suck We are all still here. No one knows what tomorrow brings and yes there may not be one for any of us, but to know your child's last day is coming, It makes my heart hurt just to think about it. Autism is hard, but there are tons of people in our corner. It doesn't mean the fight has been won, it doesn't mean the best options for our kids are there, it doesn't mean much really. It just means that someday something may come of all the research that can maybe help some of the 1 in 88. No one is researching SMA. How can this be? Kids are dying from this and there are no clinical trials or anything? Here you can read more information on SMA and find ways to help get the word out.

Families of SMA

So today I will hug my babies tight, because even though dealing with autism sucks some days, I will likely have very many more and that, no matter how you look at it, is a blessing.

The Wrong Side of the Road

Photo credit source

Sometimes what you want and what you get are very different things. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but simply resign to the change in the picture. Autism was a lot like that for me. It was so much like getting on a plane headed for somewhere warm and ending up here. The seasons are great but I really thought I was going somewhere warm all the time. I don't love it any less now and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Even still, what I have is very different from what I asked for.
Sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is that your past follows you. The choices you make, the person you were,follows so closely behind that you don't even notice. Then that past, jumps in front of you and takes over. It is sad that sometimes people aren't ever allowed to change.
I want more than that for all my boys. I don't ever want them to look back and be ashamed of the person they use to be. I know when I look in the mirror I don't see what everyone else does. I want so much more for them. I want to see them grow into adults that can contribute to society in any way they feel led to. I don't want them to make choices that set up road blocks.
The same goes for Sammy, I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to be able to look back on his life and be pleased. I want him to always hold his head high and proud because of how awesome he is is.
Because he is awesome.
People are more than the mistakes they have made. People are more than bad choices, bad relationships,bad circumstances. It's hard enough to survive a badly dealt hand but then to have it haunt you your entire life is even harder. It never goes away.I want more than that for my children. I want so much for them...
More than anything I don't want them to be me.
I don't want them to feel the way I do when I look in the mirror. Someday I will stop beating myself up over the mistakes I have made. I keep letting God work through it for me. I don't really have a choice since I am surely not strong enough to do it alone. I'm tired of running from it and I am facing it down. Every ounce of me hurts right now and the tears are bound to come. The only way to make it stop chasing me is to turn and face it head on.
It's time to face those demons, those horrible dark creatures that have been following me for 10 years. It's the only way I know how to do things. So I will take a deep breath, firmly plant my feet on the ground and make it happen.

Suit Yourself ~ My Heart Monday

Spiffy. Yes that is the word he used to describe the outfit I gave him for Easter Sunday.


I stood in the store in tears looking at that outfit for a few moments. Thinking only to myself how deperatly I wanted to dress him up for a holiday. How badly I wished my family could just once go out and be above the chaos. I wanted to be able to go to church without the fight and without pajamas. I didn't want to spend the money if he wouldn't wear it. I really didn't think he would.

Thank you Wonder Hubby. Thank you for stepping in and believing our boy could do it. To most parents it seems like a given, holiday = dress up. Not here, and I am sure not for most families like us. Sammy saw the outfit and put it on. I was being so careful not to get my hopes up. Even if he got it on doesn't mean it would stay on. In fact if one thing bugged him he wouldn't wear it at all.

We kept the tags on. Just in case.

He put it on with daddy's help. He even combed his hair. he came into the room for me to see and I was speechless. He posed for a picture. Wonder Hubby asked him

 "Sammy where did you learn to pose like that?"
Sammy's response ~"Napoleon Dynamite"

 The tears, the hope, the dream of just feeling like everyone else for just a little while was standing in front of me. I don't know why this was such a big deal to me. It shouldn't matter, but, it does. After all these years, it still matters. I held my breath on Sunday for the shoe to fall, for it to swing back and hit me in the face.
It was nothing Short of magical. Thank you Lord for the reprieve. It went by fast but it was a very good day yesterday.

This just reminds me that I can't assume. I can't get stuck on what Sammy doesnt do yet. I need to make sure I give him the same options the other kids get and stop jumping the gun. He may have autism, He may really struggle,but he is still an incredible 7 year old boy.

Faster than the speed of Autism

I am aging faster and faster these days. I swear I am only 34 but having a 17 year old makes you feel older, add to that a child with autism and I am not aging as gracefully as I would like. Perhaps its the lack of sleep, perhaps the stress, perhaps it's just not enough martinis? Who knows! I even quit smoking before I got pregnant with Sammy. Oh some days how I wish I hadn't quit, I need a vice and Hostess orange cuppies are not the best one to have (that obsession is waning thank goodness) but they are fun to eat obsessively.

1. the edge of the frosting that dripped
2. then peal off the orange plastic...I mean frosting
3. split the sponge(cake) into two
4. suck out the glue...I mean filling.
5. eat the bottom then the top of the sponge
6. then nibble the frosting until nothing is left but the white squiggle.
7. eat the squiggle and leave last bite.

yes... I know obsessive but it's how I roll and if I keep eating them I will roll for sure. The crap and additives in them are a big no-no in my house and if my kids knew I was eating them they would for sure string me up and treat me like a pinata.
ok well maybe not that bad.

I have begun to obsess over jelly beans. I found all natural jelly beans at the health food store and I can't get enough. Surf Sweets...yummy

Back to my point. I am aging faster than the speed of sound and I can't just blame autism. I do suspect that the sheer stress of having such a large family is probably part of the real issue, and adding autism to that doesn't help. Picture a swarm of angry bees only made angrier by say a leaf blower. yeah... that's my life.  I think in the last 7 years I have aged 14 but the last four  years has been more like a decade.So pardon me while I go drown my sorrows in jelly beans  since I am out of orange cuppies right now.

Dan and I before Sammy

After Sammy but before Sammy was diagnosed 

this summer at "ponytail's wedding"

a Land Far Far Away

I would love to move somewhere warm. I really don't love being in Massachusetts. it snows here and I get so anxious driving in it. I want to go south, but a lot of the research I am finding says that the further south we get the less services Sam will get and the more fight we will get. I know that isn't quite true for all kids south of the Mason Dixon Line but it seems to be true for a lot of autistic kids. I have heard about a great program in Florida but I Sammy seems to be ahead of that game right now.

I think the issue has a lot to do with kids like Sammy and the fact that they "look normal". I always have well meaning people say that to me and it makes me mad. Just because he looks like every other kid (although way cuter than most) doesn't mean he is. It also doesn't mean he doesn't have the same feelings and emotions that the other kids do.

My point being, I want to move South. I want to move WARM and I can't, just like I can never die (EVER) or  have a day off. It's one more way that autism has changed our world. I can't just up and move to any place with a good school. I can't just choose to home school him as I would the other kids. I know he would still learn if I did, but forgive me I do need that break.

winter snow

I want to move, but don't know where to start. Where are your special ed programs for autistic kids? What is good/bad about them. Help me find an option in warmer weather. PLEASE, my toes are cold!

You Just Don't Know

You don't know what you don't know.

That sentence always bugged me. It's true, yes, but it sucks. Sometimes ignorance is really bliss.

Watching Grace grow and develop has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Scary dark unhappy things and tons of super shiny sparkly sort of things.

Last night at the table she was covering her eyes with her hands, giggling and playing peek-a-boo. The look on her face of sheer joy and excitement made me so happy I could barely contain myself. There was something else there, a look, a presence. She looked over to her brothers with anticipation and a glint of "Am I wonderful? Is this right? Does this make you happy?" I am probably reading far too much into this and it was simply just Grace being silly, but something occurred to me in that moment.

 Sammy never did any of this.

I am going to let that sentence hang for a moment all by itself. That moment's realization came like a punch in the stomach. It literally sucked the wind from me. I never noticed if Nate did it because I was just too busy slaying dragons. I was too busy fighting battles I couldn't win and I missed it with Nate. I missed a lot with Tyler and AJ too. I was in a terrible place back then and busy simply fighting for my life and sanity. It's hard to see the sparkle when there isn't any sunlight. I missed so much, even though I was right there.

I was standing.right.there.

I won't miss it this time. I drink this girl in like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day. I watch her and smell her and breath her in. Her breath smells of ice cream. How amazing is that? She smells like ice cream! She smiles and claps and looks for approval. She stands and calls my name. She favors me. She wants to be near me, fingers entwined in my hair and her thumb in her mouth. Oh that thumb, she loves it, it is her best friend. She has opened my eyes to all that is and I am grateful. I am watching around me for things I may never have noticed. I am delighting in simple things I didn't even know I was missing. Because I didn't know,what I didn't know.

I watched Sammy last night though those same glasses I watch Gracie through.  He was sitting on the couch in his buzz lightyear pajamas that are a year too short. They are comfy and he likes that they don't touch his ankles. He wears no shirt, and his soft fluffy head is a mess of hair going every which way. I walk over to breath him in for just a moment before leaving for work. I kiss his feather soft hair and whisper that I love him. He looks up and tells me he hates is homework and all I can do is smile. That is Sammy, uniquely him in the lilt and cadence of his voice. I smell him again. Sammy also has a scent all his own, it's always the same, even after a bath. He looks up, hooks an arm around my neck and says "I love you mommy...like a banana" and I know, he means it. He smiles his Sammy smile, with his hanging loose front tooth and big blueberry eyes. He smells my hair and nuzzles my cheek. He lets go and just like that "POOF" he's back in his world with his pencil spinning on his fingers.
If I hadn't taken that time to stop and watch him. to absorb him. I would have missed that.

But I wouldn't know, what I don't know...

Transitions

Tyler's school has a new SPED director. She seems on the ball and forward thinking. She sent me a link for a transition fair at Taunton High, so I went.

I got a ton of amazing information on what to do for Tyler when it comes to college. I know he seems like he will be fine, but I don't want to assume. I want to set him up for real success. He is qulified for the Autism Division through DDS, and that will alow him to get services after high school. There are services for kids like him that will help him start his own business, get through college, and prepare him for life on his own.  I am suddenly even more excited about Tyler's future. 

There was a time in 7th grade when he was failing everything , and a time in 3rd grade, when I couldn't understand why it was so hard for him. I was so frustrated and scared for him. I was worried he wouldn't be ok. He has grown into such an amazing,strong, thoughtful young man. He is so good at wrestling. He is amazing when it comes to trees.

I found out there are a ton of college services at the local college. I have so much information to go through my head is just spinning! 

To be fulfilled

I hope he feels some type of satisfaction as an adult. That he can make his own choices. That he feels heard and loved and cherished. I had intended to write a new post for each thing I listed but the more I thought on it the more I realised that they cannot really be separated. I just want Sammy to grow up and be Sammy. I want him to know how amazing he is. I can't quite find the words to explain what I am feeling. So I was sitting quietly in prayer this morning and this song came to mind. this really does say it all...

 

My husband is amazing

I have been majorly overwhelmed here lately. So much so that I have passed the baton to my husband in dealing with the behavioral issue at school. My amazing husband wrote our liaison  at the school. He did a better job than I possibly could have. He was clear and concise without sounding angry. I just wanted to share with all of you how very lucky I feel right now.

The situation I called you about is Sam's escalating negative behavior.  He is having a problem on the bus, in the classroom and at home.  His physical aggression is getting worse and we are looking into getting help in the home for Sam.  My wife and I are concerned about the behavior chart for the classroom.  He got marked down for not turning in the signed chart (our fault), not having his name on his paper, as well as the whole classroom being disruptive.  I understand he is being treated as all the other students are being treated but he is still a special needs student. If this system worked for Sam I would support it. However, the increased trouble Sam is having keeping himself under control tells me otherwise. We would like to meet with Ms. * about Sam's issues but we would like the support of the whole team who is working with Sam.  Please let me know how to arrange this.  The best way to reach me is by phone after 3:00 P.M.

Thank you,

He did such a wonderful thing not just for Sammy but for me. He took the reigns and helped me feel so much less stressed. I needed this. When the divorce statistics are so high for families of special needs children, I feel blessed to have him in my corner. Tell me about the people in your corner.

Words for Sammy

My mother wrote a sweet poem for Sammy on her blog  Nanni's Notes  It's been hard on all of us dealing with autism here. It made me think. I don't know that I have ever written a poem or letter for Sammy.

My darling Sammy When you were born
placed in my arms cuddled close to me.
I saw for a second everything you would be
all the promise in your tiny eyes
I watched you in the nursery
all the babies around you were crying.
You my love, were content and quiet
How lucky a mommy I am
To have such a docile child
I watched you grow and held you close
You nursed so well.
You ate quickly never looking up
How lucky a mommy I am
To have such a focused child
We giggled at your quirks
and smiled at your focus
I watched you climb and toddle
so much more interested in movement than toys
How lucky a mommy I am
To have a child who entertained himself
You were learning and mumbling
You spoke slowly
but you spoke
You were just more focused on going
moving. running, jumping
How lucky a mommy I am
to have a boy who is so able
You stopped talking
You sat alone
Lining your trucks and blocks up
color coded

Your words disappeared
your smile went along
You screamed, you cried
where had my little boy gone?
We fought against the demons that followed
we struggled against an unmovable force
More discipline, less discipline.
more limits, less limits
nothing seemed to work
You stopped and so did our world
You railed against something I couldn't understand
then the words the doctor spoke
shattering me
your son has autism
lost and whirling
out of control
asking What can we do
being told nothing
and going home broken
embarrassed to tell my friends
with kids who really had autism
The doctors must be wrong
mistakes happen
not my son

For years We fought back
therapy at home.
therapy at school
speech
sensory
food
nothing was simple
everything hurt
restraining and holding
rage and disappointment
No way out
The sun did not shine
We fought out from under the snow that had fallen
we woke from our slumber
fueled by anger and fear
I wanted my boy back
he was just within my reach
the words came slowly
quietly at first
so less tormented
so less frustrated
he whispered I love you
what a lucky mommy I am
to have a boy like you
no matter what moments bring
no matter the struggle
I am so very lucky
to have such a wonderful boy

6 feet of snow

I feel like I've been buried alive and I am barely breathing, stuck under six feet of snow with no clue which way is up. I continue to claw at the ice until my fingers are numb and bleeding and all I have managed to do is get lost further in the snow.

Sammy during the spring snowstorm in MA

That's what this week feels like. I can't breath, I can't think... I feel like I am drowning. I feel like nothing I do is right and I can't win. It's time's like these that I wish I had a sign on my forehead that said "I am NOT as bad a parent as you think I am" Even though I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I still care what everyone else thinks. It's the same mechanism that keeps me from going outside in my underwear or picking up my son at school in a moo-moo. I can tell you I don't care until I am blue in the face, but I do care. I desperately just want someone near me that gets it. I am tired of feeling isolated and alone and frustrated when Sam lashes out at me in the middle of a store. I just want someone to get me , to understand how much this sucks. I want acceptance.

I feel lost in the ether, floating aimlessly. My son is very verbal and if it weren't for the behaviors he would be considered by most "high functioning". I feel like that label discounts how much he struggles ,how hard it is for him every.single.day. Sometimes I feel like we don't belong in the autism community because Sammy can often seem so freaking normal to people who don't get it. I have friends with completely non-verbal kids, kids still in diapers at 10 , kids who don't even acknowledge when their mother walks in a room. They seem to have it way more together than I do. How do I go to them and complain that I'm struggling?

So I don't. I sit here and I write.I fight the lump in my throat that threatens to bubble up when I speak. I am resigned  and beaten tonight. I sensor myself in the world and deflect the stares I get in the store when Sammy begins screaming.  I just continue to sit here and write.

Dogs for autistic kids

My mom is going to school now. It seems if you are over 60 you can go to school for free here. How exciting for her. Shes taking English and PortugueseII and another class. I forget which one really but there is a third. She also works at sears and is a LMT. pretty cool to have a mom that can come and give you a massage when you need it , don't you think? Anyway ,I digress. She wrote a paper on dogs and autistic kids. It got me thinking.

my mom and Sammy

It seems for some autistic kids there is a huge imbalance in cortisol (stress hormone) and circadian rhythms (sleep/wake cycles). Sammy seems to be one of those kids. He has a hard time both sleeping and waking , resting and regulating.  He becomes anxious easily and stresses over things beyond my comprehension.  Kids like Sammy struggle with a higher level of cortisol and have difficult with day to day regulation.



"Cortisol rhythm is extremely out of sync in children with ASD, due to imbalanced melatonin and ACTH production. The more severe the autism, the more abnormal the diurnal rhythms.⁹ The need for cortisol is so great however, that cortisol suppression is resistant to dexamethasone-suppression testing.¹⁰ While there is a huge cortisol dysregulation, DHEA-S and testosterone seem to be similar in children with autism and those without.^{11" read the full article here}


There is evidence suggesting that animals, like dogs, lower cortisol in children like Sammy. It can help them adjust to new environments and new people. The mornings are the hardest part of our day and it seems some ASD kids have a spike in cortisol about 30 minutes after waking in the morning. 


In the two weeks before the dogs were brought in, the children's cortisol levels rose 58 percent during the first 30 minutes they were awake in the morning. But when the dogs were present, this awakening response was reduced to just a 10 percent rise. And when the dogs were taken away after four weeks, the cortisol awakening response jumped back up to a 48 percent increase. read the full article here


So maybe a dog would help him. I don't know that I interested in an actual service dog but maybe more a companion dog. There are tons of articles supporting companion dogs for kids like Sammy. He melts around dogs and babies. The barking doesn't seem to bother him and maybe I could teach the dog to wake him in the morning rather than me. I don't know whats best for Sammy yet.  I know an older dog would be best for us and it has to be a bigger breed dog to not get lost in the shuffle. Of course there is cost, vet bills,upkeep and grooming. Does the cost negate the benefit? How do I make this decision


I just want to make things easier for him. I hate seeing him struggle in the mornings and cry about everything. Maybe if his stress levels were lower he would be able to get dressed and enjoy time in the morning without all the tears. Like everything else it is simply about making t better for Sammy and the rest of us. His autism affects all of us in this house. 


What do you think , would you consider a dog to help your child? whats the down side? Is there anything I am forgetting?

Signs everywhere

There are signs for things everywhere. No parking, No soliciting, No smoking. They encourage or prevent and create all sorts of situations.Some are Funny some are very important and some are just plain Stupid.

Today while driving home I saw THIS in Rhode Island. I live directly behind a school.It's a high school and a really slow street. we only have maybe 8 houses on our street.However lots of teens drive to school now.they whip around before and after hours. On many occasions our neighbors have alerted us that Sam has run into the street. We watch him. Our yard is fenced. 95% of the time he wont leave the yard and he is never alone outside. However, Sammy is fast! really fast. He can and often does get out. A sign alerting these teens to him might help them slow down. Maybe we can educate at least one of them? It's no different from a Deaf Child sign or Children at Play sign...right?

What do you think. Would you put a sign in front of your house for your child?

sibling sacrafice

 This post here ~~> What Autism Means to Me: Natalie Davis « Autism Speaks Official Blog:

'via Blog this'

How amazing it is to hear about this side of the story. I often worry about how the other children perceive Sammy and Tyler.

Tyler is best buddies with Sam. They have a deep link that I can't even begin to comprehend. I often find them engrossed in the same stim or Tyler leading Sammy into a calmer place before he melts down.The both of them enthralled with our stim pot and their reflection.












Nate started as the baby brother and is now almost of level ground with Sammy. As Nate changes every day and matures and figures things out Sammy often get's left behind. Sam will often bully Nathaniel , but lately Nate strikes back and reprimands Sammy. It's hard to watch the younger children passing him.













AJ and Sammy fight constantly. In fact even if AJ has nothing to do with whatever it is, Sammy finds him and takes it out on him. I have no idea what that is about. My best guess being that he feels really safe with AJ. AJ is the softest squishiest most lovable kid. AJ also has sensory processing issues and often kisses too hard, touches to fast and moves with some awkwardness. That translates into Sammy feeling as if he is under attack. Not a good way to feel and I am sure AJ often feels like he gets the raw end of the deal.







Grace and Sammy are a different story. Sammy is the baby whisperer and Grace adores him. She also adores Tyler.  The three connect on awesome levels. I am not sure if it is just because she is a baby or if I will someday in the not too distant future be told Grace is also an ASD child.







Who knows what our house will be like in 5 years. I don't know how many kids we will have by then if even any more. However many we do have, Sammy's autism doesn't just change him it changes us all in ways I never would have imagined 

11 months ago

this was Sammy 11 months ago.The night before Halloween. It amazes me how far he has come in less than a year. I keep looking back and wondering  how I didn't realize we were running full steam forward. He has changed so much in just a short 11 months. I wonder what the next year will bring.How will he change? Will he change?
The subtle differences that turned into GIANT leaps the amazing things he can do now. He still can't read. Pushing him results in huge fits and tears. He still can't get dressed by himself. He still cant wipe himself. So many things he CAN'T do

But...
SO many things he CAN
He CAN ride a bike
He CAN climb a tree
He CAN put on his own socks and shoes most days
He CAN tell me he loves me
He CAN improve
HE CAN LEARN
after all he Sam the cookie man and he is amazing


show me the funny and amazing things your kids do and join the link up right here

planning for the future

These are my children. This is my heart and my entire life. Every one of them just as important. This photo shows so much personality. Nate, the clown in the front. The protective big brother Tyler with Sammy being a goofball. AJ ready to take on the world and Grace happy to just be with momma. I am the all time protector. I watch over each of them constantly. It's my job,It's my privilege and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

However, someday I will be gone. I pray not for a very very long time.  Who is going to take care of them then? How will they survive? Bad things happen all the time. What do we do then? I have no doubt in my mind that my boys and Grace will be ok in the long run on their own but someone will have to care for Sammy, no matter when we die. Now or 20 years from now.

We have begun planning and we are buying life insurance. Each child will also be insured as a way to grow money for their college funds and for Sammy therapy and other things he may need along the way. It's hard to think of the future where I wont be there to take care of him. If you all don't already have life insurance you might want to look into it. The next thing to take care of is a Last Will and Testament. I am not really ready to cross that bridge yet.

How do you decide who will take care of your special needs child?  I wonder how other parents make that decision.