Little Hands and Gentle Hearts

Those little hands are Annabelle's. She is 3 now. I am not entirely sure where time went or how she is now a preschooler rather than a toddler. She is loving and strong and vibrant. Everything she is meant to be. She is amazing.

But those hands, those hands remind me of the gentleness I need to put forward. The soft that makes me the woman God created me to be. I focus on helping my children to be who they are called, but I often forget who I am called to be.

Life is hard. Very hard. So many moving parts that create an insurmountable wall of fear and sadness. I often want to quit. I want to give up on everything and just fade into the darkness in my mind.
but I don't

and I won't

Because those little hands need my guidance still.

Some days I can hardly breath. I just don't have the energy. But I keep going, because this is part of what I am. Who I am. 

I am trying to learn from it rather than be destroyed by it.

Often, I am bitter and angry. I want to be spiteful and vengeful. I am after all human. But instead I silence myself and quiet my heart.

I just pray that this cloud goes away.

I'm Not Home Yet

This song sparks hope in me. It reminds me that no matter how much suck I have going on right now I am not home. this isn't the end. This isn't what it's about. I am bringing my suffering to the cross and taking rest in him. I try to remember to offer it up for those around me that are hurting and suffering. (thanks for the reminder my friends) In him, With him, and Through him I will find rest. Maybe not while my physical body walks this Earth, but some day.

But I still miss me. I miss the me that felt the sunshine. I miss feeling joy! Not just everyday joy, but the kind of joy that makes your eyes burn with the happiness you cannot contain.
I miss looking around and feeling like my life is a breath of air that fills my lungs. 

I miss the sunshine.

I miss the warmth.

I know I will feel those things again logically. But right now, it feels so hopeless. So impossible. 

It makes me angry.

I should be happy. I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am so blessed! I have amazing kids. a handsome, caring, superhero husband. I have a house that fits us, a yard to play in, and clothes to wear. I have food to eat. I have people praying for me.

Yet, I feel undeserving. I feel selfish for feeling so sad. 

Because I shouldn't feel this way.

I feel like a failure.

But I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. I belong to HIM, and I belong in the light.The Lord didn't make me to cry and cower. He made me to shine.
It's going to take a while, but I have to believe I will get there somehow.

For Direction

Daniel and I have some major choices that we are trying to make. We are praying for discernment and fasting for answers. Not because we feel that it has to be done this way but because we believe God has put this on our hearts for holy week.

Easter is coming. The bright light at the end of Lent and I CANNOT WAIT.

I gave up any and all alcohol during holy week. Last night was a tough night. The kids were crazy. The floors that I vacuumed and mopped were covered in dirt from teens that didn't wipe their feet after digging out a project for me. I am behind in laundry. I am stressed about money. I am stressed about Dan's work.

I prayed furiously for direction last night. I felt as though I was spinning out of control and ready to crash. Too many plates spinning at once inside my head that they would all inevitably crash.

I woke to these lyrics today from Mandisa

"So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling you

(Take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises)
You're an overcomer"

and this

ok God. Thanks.

45 Days

It's been 45 days since our van was stolen.

They never did find the thing. It is either out of state or it has been scrapped. Either way it's irrelevant.
That van was on it's last leg. It's inspection sticker was over a year expired, the doors fell off if you opened them wrong, the brake light was out, it smelled of something similar to old cheese, it would die if the brake light stayed down, it had a check engine light that stayed on for over a year, the oil gauge light came on every time you stopped, the front seats didn't move so I had to drive with a pillow behind me (since I am so short), and the brakes were going.

It was dying.
I don't care if it didn't move at all. the fact remains that someone took it. I don't care why or how. I don't understand why people don't understand that if it isn't yours DON'T take it. I don't care if it shows up on your door step. unless it's wrapped and addressed to you IT ISN'T YOURS!

I had been praying for a new van. This wasn't what I meant. Sometimes prayers are answered in ways we can never understand because it is all for his glory. In the end, the outcome was better than I could have imagined.

The van was replaced but there was more to it.
Again we were given amazing gifts of love and support.
A fractured family relationship was repaired.
Our community, church, family, and friends showed us what true selfless giving is really about.
In the end we were blessed.

I think about the people who stole our van often.
I was angry for a second. When my beautiful Grace cried giant tears of true loss and sorrow over her shoes and her car seat, I was ANGRY.
I don't care if you hurt me. So many people have and will again I am sure. My babies are a different story.

It's those moments I find it hardest to pray for the thieves. It's those moments that I need to pray for them the most. Because, anger can be so caustic. It destroys you from the inside out until all anyone sees is a bitter angry old person that cannot or will not smile.
I can't let them take any more from me then they have already
and so
I pray for them.

"Heavenly Father, you above all people know my heart and theirs. you know their motivations, their needs, and their wants. I ask you to bless them Lord because you, not I , are the final judge. Help them to be so blessed they hear your words and return to you. Help them to listen to your calling and change so that they do not inflict pain on anyone else intentionally again"
In your name ~ Amen

I have prayed it more in the last two weeks then ever before. I am certain I will be praying it more in the weeks to come.

3 days

Our van was stolen Early Sunday morning. Change is hard for those of us that aren't on the spectrum. Add to that the rigid thinking and you have disaster. Every ounce of me wants to hide under a rock and pretend the world around me is gone.

I am beside myself.

My husband made the distinction that at least we are not Job from the bible. He is right of course. It could be so very much worse. For those of you not familiar with the story of Job. his entire life crumbles around him. He looses everything. Including his children.

Yes even his children.

We have lost a lot this past year but this past year I can say I have been more focused on God than ever before. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I am listening.

The story of Job has been on my mind since the day the van was taken. I remember it's really just "stuff" it can be replaced. We all still have each other.

Then last night Grace climbed on Tyler's bunk bed and fell off, on her head.
My first thought was " this is it, this is where the shit gets real. Please God"

She is fine. By the grace of God she fell on a down comforter and it broke her fall like an air bag.
I have never been more grateful that my son's room is a mess than I was last night. As I watch Nate, Grace, and Evangeline all playing together on the floor beside me I am once again humbled and blessed.

We got some fantastic news yesterday as well. Praise God!

To the person who took our van,
I don't know why you would do such a thing. I do know that everyone makes bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes. There is no mistake you cannot be forgiven for. It's just a van. I pray no one was hurt during this. We are praying that you have a sudden change of heart and let someone know where our van is. We, as a family, will continue to pray for you. I pray this was a sudden and single case of bad judgement on your part. If not and you are having substance problems or you need something. There is help for you. I will personally help you if I can. Know that no matter how many mistakes you make You are STILL LOVED and in my prayers.

It is through your fire Lord I am refined. 

Friends who Pray

January 17, 2013

I am stressed and frustrated. Nesting has taken over and it is making me nutty. Add the stress of not being able to move around because of hip pain, Dan having to work constantly, depression, OCD , and the stress of knowing CPS could show up any day now. I am a mess.

Sam is too. His anxiety has skyrocketed again, as it always seems to this time of year. He is struggling with friends at school, family at home, and just life in general.

http://stickfiguresclipart.com/peoplestickfigures/stick-people-clip-art-3/

I have a few very close and very dear friends that have been praying for us and just knowing that makes such a difference. I am so glad to have friends that love me enough to spend a moment thinking about me, when I am quite certain they have other things to worry about. I hope they know what blessings they are to me. It's such a privileged to know them.