Fear, Focus, and Moving Forward.

Yesterday was hard. Not in the "I can't do this  because I might die" sort of hard, but the "remain in the moment and be OK" kind of hard. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembered day is never easy and it brings the flood of emotions I am never really prepared to handle. Adding into that a few of my dear friends have just lost babies as well, and I am pregnant now so I was a wreck yesterday. Sammy had a rough day, Nate had a rough day and baby was like velcro on a wool sock. My guess is that they felt my stress and emotions.

Sammy also had his bake sale yesterday for kids with cancer. he sold out in just 2 hours and made 36$. I have never seen that boy glow like he did yesterday. He went over to people at the football game to tell them about his fundraiser. Daddy went and helped him get the right words but he did it himself.

So we have been trying to figure out where to send the money and I think we have it figured out. Just a little more checking into things first.

I ended my day with a candle burning for Emma, for my friends, and family. I ended the day with dry eyes and full arms. I ended my day blessed beyond belief , peaceful but sad because I know my sweet girl would have fit in this family perfectly and I will miss her forever. I ended my day cuddled between my three youngest kids with Squish dancing inside my belly and all I could think was "how blessed I am to know, that even the end is not really the end. That what lies beyond me is more powerful than anything I could wrap my head around. I am blessed with all I have. I am surrounded by light and love."

I am going to let that be my focus as I move forward.

Raising Money

We watch a lot of movies here at the end of the day to kind of wind down. T.V. is almost always a sure fire way to get Sam to sit still, switch the language of the movie and instant success. We have a movie the kids received for Easter last year. It was "letters to God" and I thought  it would be a good movie for the kids. Turns out the kid dies in the movie at the end from cancer.

This is now the second or third time I have lost the movie choice privilege. The first was for picking  "Faith Like Potatoes" where another kid dies. Then another movie where, you guessed it, another kid dies. At that point Tyler suspended me from choosing Red Box movies because CLEARLY I am not very good at this.

a giant board Sam wants people to sign

Sam keeps watching the movie over and over. I am not sure what the appeal of it was for him. i didn't think he understood the premise of the movie. The little boy writes a letter to God every day, and because of it a TON of people are helped  with super serious problems. What Sam did understand though is that the boy died from Cancer. So now he has an idea.



He wants to raise money for kids with cancer. He made a sign for people to sign and he wants to have a lemonade stand. In just two weeks during the farmer's market next door we will have a lemonade stand. 25cents a cup. we might even have some cupcakes and cookies for sale. So if you just want to make Sam's day stop in  from 12-4 on Sunday 2 weeks from now. I promise I will remind you