In The End

In the end , yesterday turned out OK. The migraine never really went away but you can't win them all.

My mother brought over cake, so I didn't have to make my own. Which is always awesome. Cake which is made for you always tastes better anyway.

My boys made me a card , well Tyler and Sam anyway. They drew birthday cakes, balloons with smiles, and a table set with a bunch of plates.

My husband made dinner. Fish and french fries. I am so grateful I didn't have to cook last night since I felt so sick. In fact I have to say I am pretty blessed with a husband that will do whatever needs to be done. He doesn't even grumble. I know I might if the roles were reversed. I tend to be a cranky pants when it comes to change.

My friends all sang me happy birthday at book club. I got the cutest card  and a gift card to Dunkin too. Oh and a JELLY DOUGHNUT! Those of you on my facebook page know I have been craving them lately.

My wonder hubby also remembered an obscure request I had made earlier for this...

yahooo.

Out of Control

I have a case of the "Crazies". The Crazies start when I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. I have been feeling very out of control. There is a ton of clutter in the house that makes me feel like I am choking. It's physically painful for me when the house gets out of control. My OCD this pregnancy has been out of control completely. I have been so sick this time around that nothing is getting done right. It's making me crazy!

I just need one day where I feel good enough, happy enough, motivated enough, and mom enough to get it all done. I just need one day where I feel like I am failing a little less. Just.One.Day.

Instead I am struggling to get out of bed. My bedroom looks as though a hoarder lives here. My windows need to be washed and I am pretty sure there is a science experiment living in the back of my fridge.

It's days like today that make me feel like I am on the wrong path in life. That I have too many kids. Days like this make me feel like a failure.

I need a plan to fix this.

This one time ...at band camp...

How many people know where that line comes from?



I laughed every single time I hear it. You see I was a band geek. Like really, a total geek. I don't really think I had friends outside of chorus, drama, band and a few random ROTC friends. I was so OK with that because most of my friends were just like me. I was also however an over emotional mess in high school. I cried a lot , and often for no good reason that I could ever discern. I lacked social skills, humor, and the ability to not be a drain on most of my friends. Yes, I was that girl! I remember being at band camp all day long and often until dark. I remember writing each set down and tripping over myself as we blocked. Please tell me someone else remembers band camp as fondly as I do? While there were no (or not many) escapades like they mentioned in the movie, it was still a blast.

Thanks to our business group I have learned some awesome social skills such as listening  not always needing to  be right, and how to appear empathetic. empathy is still so hard for me.

AJ started band camp this week for FHS. He loves it. They sound pretty good too, much to my surprise! He plays the trumpet and he plays it well!

I have been watching him play, since its just across the street, and it's been really awesome. It's also bringing back all these awesome memories I have of my years in band. I hope he loves it as much sa I did. I am so proud to see him out there, working hard for something he loves.

Truly....Madly...Deeply

I am dealing with some very personal and emotional stuff right now and it is really hard for me. I keep trying to stuff it and go past it, but I can't. What has worked in the past does not work now and as a result I am struggling to tread water. I figured I would put it here in the hoped that writing it down will ease it somehow. I am so afraid I will regret this.

I can usually get by during this time because nothing MAJOR triggers it. This is different, because just the time line triggers it.

I lost a baby at 14.5 weeks. I know I have talked about Emma here before. I always hesitate because I don't want people judging my grief. I don't want to be a downer in the group.
I understand its been a long time. I understand it was "only" 14.5 weeks. I know so many that dealt with it being far far worse. Far more...tangible.
This wasn't tangible. I barely even acknowledged it then, I couldn't. It's something I truly, deeply, and unquestionably regret. It took me years to even fully acknowledge loosing her on August 22, 2001.
Some may realize that is Sam's birthday with just an earlier year. He came in 2004.
This year on his birthday I will be 13 weeks pregnant with this little squish. Emma's due date and Squish's are just weeks apart, and it's driving me mad.

Months ago I entered a contest on The Blog here and apparently I won. I had forgotten I entered. I received a beautiful comfort bear and a book (which is going to be a blessing for someone else) from them. It's funny how much the big white bear comforted me.

Then I read this story and I can't breath. 

An old friend of mine just lost a baby and my heart breaks for her.

I am surrounded by it. I can't run away this time so I guess I am going to trudge through it. Just please God, don't let this baby come on her due date. I can't do that, please.
I keep panicking that squish is gone too.I can't get control of myself. I feel crazy.

I obviously have to deal with this. I just don't want to. I worry that people will judge my grief. That they won't or don't understand. Let's be honest here. I don't even understand.

The Promise

The other day I saw a rainbow. In fact it was a double rainbow. Before you start thinking I went off the deep end like the double rainbow guy I assure you I have not. It was beautiful.

It reminded me that it's going to be ok. I am struggling with some stuff right now and it's really hard. i feel like I was treading water before but now I'm in over my head. It's a scary feeling, I assure you. My life feels out of control. My house is a mess, my laundry is a mess and as a result I am a mess. I always feel the need to be perfect and I ALWAYS fail at it. regardless of how hard I try it's a measure I cannot obtain. My days have often felt like an oncoming storm. Like my sky was dark and the  clouds were everywhere. I felt lost in the storm and afraid.

 I was thinking about all of my shortcomings when Nate pointed out the beautiful rainbow across the sky.

I suddenly had such a feeling of peace and happiness.It was a rainbow. It may have still had a few clouds but it was a rainbow none the less

It may not have lasted long but it was nice while it lasted.

Where it Began

It's been a crazy week here. Tantrums, refusals, non compliance and angry outbursts. I'm writing to forget about what this week is like. I need to get out of my own way.I don't know where this post is going. I don't know what to write. I just know I need to write.

Where did this began? How did I get here?

I can sugar coat the world I was in or I can be real. This life here, as difficult as it is now, is still easier than my life before. It's still brighter and less emotionally taxing then the way things felt before Sammy, before Autism.

Yet the life I was living so many years ago before  was filled with shadow and pain. I was broken inside. My life before Dan, Sam, Nate and Grace was a blue vase. I can't say I loved it. I didn't. I wanted to run from it every day. I hated the life I was living and some nights I went to bed praying that God would take me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to face another day. I was desperate, I was broken, and I wanted out. 

Things fell apart and I fell deeper. I felt like I was underground walking through mud. I felt scared and lonely all the time. I had no direction. I couldn't breath. I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt people. I hurt myself. I allowed too much and never put my foot down. I was scared all the time.  My blue vase was shattered into a thousand nasty little sharp pieces.  I was angry at everyone. I was angry at God. I was , most of all, angry at me.I lived it , but I didn't "get it" I had an older son with Aspergers but the effect of it was minimal. It wasn't real because it didn't really change anything. He was in 3rd grade by the time we knew anything was really up. It didn't hit me like the freight train Sammy's diagnosis did. 

I found direction a few years later. I found my strength and started moving towards the life I have now. I discovered in the space between that I am far stronger than I even give myself credit for. I found my faith and made peace with God. I took some extra deep breaths. God fixed my vase, and made a beautiful blue serving platter. Now it doesn't  just hold the things I like, it serves everyone around me.
 then Sam was diagnosed. It shattered me, or so I thought. I thought my beautiful blue serving tray had been broken, it wasn't. Everything is just the way it should be here. Sammy is wonderfully made and who he is. It is Sammy (and this blog) that brought people to me.  i wish Sammy didn't have to hurt and struggle. I wish it was easier for him. I wish I was a better mom for him some days.

I am working through where I was so I can get to where I need to be. I have found, on this journey that It isn't always the strength that matters. Sometimes, we have to be soft and malleable so that we can accept, adapt, and move on.

I have love now. I have safety.I spent a long time being super strong and guarding my emotions. I didn't cry, I didn't feel, and sometimes I didn't sleep. Since having Grace, I have found a softer side that I wasn't sure I had, there may even be a few bunnies having tea around here.

So even though my week has been hellish and I want to pull my hair out, I have also been very blessed and loved this week.  No matter how bad it gets here, even at it's darkest hour, it is still far better now than it ever was then. 

Simple Things I shouldn't do

Like Shell over at Things I cant Say there are certain things I shouldn't ever attempt. It doesn't really matter the time because honestly , I can make really awesome messes anywhere.

1. Change my look when I am upset. the last time I did this it was drastic...and scary. It was right after my wedding I was upset about something (read irrational and pregnant and didn't know it yet) and I freaked out. Yup, chopped 9 inches off my hair and spent the rest of the year looking like something between a confused boy and a shaggy puppy. It's funny as I type this I have been thinking about a change and was thinking about just (you guessed it) cutting my hair! Thank you Shell for posting this to remind me DON"T DO IT.

2. Go bathing suit shopping after lunch. Ok, really ladies ,getting a suit is hard enough. The lighting in the dressing rooms make us all looklike something out of a Tim Burton flick and then to try to find something that covers all the places on us that we wish weren't there...well it's traumatic. Now add to that lunch and the post lunch belly that goes along with it, added to the body of a woman who has had 5 kids... yeah..no

3. Reply to blogs on my phone. I learned my webOS system sucks and for whatever reason tells me "you suck and can't post! Make your comment longer" meanwhile posting the said comment each time. Ooops..sorry Shell <3

4. Go to places that sell fluffy pretty girl dresses with witnesses. I cry. I sniffle.  I get all over emotional. It is embarrassing! I pride myself on being a pretty tough lady and dress shopping for a one year old made me cry uncle. I am such a marshmallow inside. Just don't tell anyone...ok?

5. Let down my filter in public. I am known for being filter-less. People who love me understand, but in a crowd most people don't know me. I am that person who says wildly inappropriate things to people. Like saying "It's nice to see you upright again" to a woman who passed out at my neighbors or "wow I didn't know the mole you had was that big, but look at the whole it left" Yes, both things have come from my mouth on separate occasions. Funerals are the worst, I will always say or do one thing I really really shouldn't do.

6. Post when I am angry. My  husband says that I have "rough edges" and that I am "prickly". I think my parents may have used more colorful language to describe my not so sweet disposition. I tend to let the fur fly when I am upset and I can be quite caustic (think battery acid). I always feel badly after and then I don't know what to do. Once something is posted it is there forever and then it eats at me for months.

7. Deciding to change a few things about a room when I am alone. The last time I thought about that I ripped down wallpaper and pulled out light fixtures in 2 separate rooms. Granted my lovely friend Miss J came to save me and fixed my mess...mostly. I still have unfinished stuff around the house which leads me to my next DON'T

8. Go to home Depot, Lowes, or Craft Stores alone. I will buy things I don't need with a ridiculously grandiose idea about what it will turn out like. I always over estimate my skill level and end up with crap I never use,put up,fix,change or paint. I have 2 gallons of lavender paint down stairs and small containers of blue, pink, and yellow to paint the bathroom bubble theme I wanted when we bought the house almost 2 years ago. I have to go there today to rent a tiller for the garden...pray for me...please!

9. Plan Parties. I become obsessed with details and I get crazy. I over plan, over feed and I always end up in a hysterical lump of tears at some point before everyone gets there. I get it out and I move on but still it can't be good for my blood pressure.

10. Visit new babies in the hospital or at home. OK really just even looking in the direction of new babies makes my ovaries twitch. We are Quiverfull and all but I am tapped out mostly at the moment. Would I be happy with more HELL YEAH but I don't know that I am really ready for that right now. Seriously though if I am within sniffing distance of new baby smell I just want one.

The Wrong Side of the Road

Photo credit source

Sometimes what you want and what you get are very different things. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but simply resign to the change in the picture. Autism was a lot like that for me. It was so much like getting on a plane headed for somewhere warm and ending up here. The seasons are great but I really thought I was going somewhere warm all the time. I don't love it any less now and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Even still, what I have is very different from what I asked for.
Sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is that your past follows you. The choices you make, the person you were,follows so closely behind that you don't even notice. Then that past, jumps in front of you and takes over. It is sad that sometimes people aren't ever allowed to change.
I want more than that for all my boys. I don't ever want them to look back and be ashamed of the person they use to be. I know when I look in the mirror I don't see what everyone else does. I want so much more for them. I want to see them grow into adults that can contribute to society in any way they feel led to. I don't want them to make choices that set up road blocks.
The same goes for Sammy, I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to be able to look back on his life and be pleased. I want him to always hold his head high and proud because of how awesome he is is.
Because he is awesome.
People are more than the mistakes they have made. People are more than bad choices, bad relationships,bad circumstances. It's hard enough to survive a badly dealt hand but then to have it haunt you your entire life is even harder. It never goes away.I want more than that for my children. I want so much for them...
More than anything I don't want them to be me.
I don't want them to feel the way I do when I look in the mirror. Someday I will stop beating myself up over the mistakes I have made. I keep letting God work through it for me. I don't really have a choice since I am surely not strong enough to do it alone. I'm tired of running from it and I am facing it down. Every ounce of me hurts right now and the tears are bound to come. The only way to make it stop chasing me is to turn and face it head on.
It's time to face those demons, those horrible dark creatures that have been following me for 10 years. It's the only way I know how to do things. So I will take a deep breath, firmly plant my feet on the ground and make it happen.

Prayers Wanted

There is so much I could be blogging about with Sammy.
His sudden paralyzing fear of the stairs while wearing socks.
The extreme refusal to do anything difficult.
His request for a day off or early dismissal every.single.day.
His obsession with Star Wars Lego (which I am now addicted to as well).

AJ rocking the "hawk" at 8

 None of those things really matter today, because today isn't about him. My son AJ noticed a lump in his chest a while back. we didn't think anything of it. We did show it to the doctor at his physical and they sent us for an ultrasound. The ultrasound raised red flags. We know now it isn't vascular and it isn't soft tissue. We know it's attached to his actual rib and it does not show up on X-ray. We don't know what it is or why it's there. The pediatrician  has referred us to Boston Children's Hospital for a surgery consult. I am a nervous wreck. The doctor did say that he doesn't "think" it's cancer, that it "probably" is something benign, but that we really should err on the side of caution and check it out. That.scares.me.
AJ is also being seen by the spine and scoliosis clinic. His thoracic spine has a visible curve to the right shoulder. His back always hurts him, poor kid.

AJ at the soccer banquet at 13

I guess my fear is that after all this boy has been through in his life. I keep thinking about all the things he fought through and survived,  the times he has shocked doctors with quick recoveries, the times when the doctors couldn't quite understand how or why he recovered, and wondering if our luck is going to run out. Has he played his hand too well. No one wins 100% of the time right? What if what if what if...

I would like to believe that just having a child with special needs changes the odds for my family. That lightening can only strike so many times. I know that isn't true. I see it in my circle all the time. I KNOW what can happen. Just because our family has one cross to bear doesn't mean we wont be handed another. In fact it means exactly bubkis. It means nothing. So I am scared. I don't know what they will say today. The logical part of me says it's fine, it's nothing...but my stomach is still in knots.

So if you have a second say a quick prayer for AJ and if you don't pray then send us some good energy or whatever. It's all a plus really

How Exciting.

My very first spam comment. how wonderful. I feel like I have finally arrived

October 15.

Pregnancy and Birth Loss Remembrance Day

You are not alone. I desperately wish that this club did not exist. That there was no need for it. That babies never died. It does happen, and no matter what each of our losses are important. There is a fantastic group on facebook where you can get some support



My darling Emma, how I miss you so. some days it all but takes the breath from me. <3 momma