Don't ask me how I do it

Don't ask me how I do it. how I keep things together or how I manage every day. Don't ask me how I manage to get things done, or go fun places. Don't ask me how I manage to cook or clean the house. Don't ask me.please it makes me nuts when people say that. I manage the same way everyone else does. one moment at a time, one breath, one step and I still screw up

Today we had a bad day.First I couldn't sleep last night.Then my computer ate all of the photos from Sammy's birthday party. Sammy was wild last night and it seems to have carried over to today. We were restraining him by 11am just so he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone else. He attacked his little brother over a program they were watching on Netflix. I handled some of the outbursts very well and was proud of myself. I had to walk away after a few hours though. He has a weird rash and it's setting his sensory system out of whack. He's angry and mean sometimes and this was one of those times. An Epsom salts bath and some warm milk with honey seemed to mellow the child out.

He was so wild yesterday I never got around to posting what I wanted to and the playroom still looks like a bomb went off. I think my neighbors may be thinking that white trash moved into the neighborhood because there are toys and pieces of things littering my driveway all the time. We did however have an awesome dinner with a great friend and I did get a little knitting done.Nate and I got to cuddle and I got a couple of great hugs from Sammy

I am not Martha Stewart,or Betty Crocker or Donna Reed. I am just me. I am raising 5 kids and quite often those five kids are far more important that the dishes or laundry. I would rather finger paint and bake than vacuum and dust.It drives my OCD crazy to see everything in the toy room out at once,but there will come a time when it will all be clean and organised. By then all my babies will be grown and i will miss these moments.

Sammy at 2.5

So please don't ask me how I do it because the honest answer is ...I don't

Storming the castle

Like I said last night was open house. Do you think she could have mentioned his behavior is taking a downward spiral? Maybe just a heads up? Anything?

Nope.

So his behavior card comes in today and he received 2 warnings Wednesday and today. In fact today he HURT someone. He jumped on a child. The child went to the nurse and an accident report was filed. Why didn’t anyone call me about this? No warning, just a note and his behavior slip. The note actually made me chuckle and then I got mad. Maybe I am just over sensitive and maybe it’s just my baggage. The note  reads

Mr + Mrs Chagnon,
 Today  at music Sam “jumped” and hit another student in the arm pretty hard. The student had to go to the nurse and an accident report was written up. please speak with Sam about trying to think before he acts He did say he was sorry

Now to be fair this is only the third or fourth week of school so some adjustment is to be expected. And to be fair, we were spoiled last year with one of “those” teachers. You know the ones that make you feel really great about he school your child is in. So his teacher this year has a long way to go in our eyes to “measure up” She seems great, intelligent and reasonably understanding but she is missing that special something the other teacher had. I don’t feel certain with his placement this year but I am also rather protective of Sammy. So we wait.

What angers me is the “please speak with Sam about trying to think before he acts” WOW a few weeks in and she has it all figured out . How did we miss this so long? We just have to speak with him about not being impulsive. DUDE why didn’t I think of that? Seriously could have saved myself a ton of extra crap. I want to write back

Dear Teacher,
Sammy has autism and ADHD there for he is extremely impulsive. That is why we outline restrictive safety measures for Sammy when out in the community. He has very few safety skills and even less empathy. He can be a danger to other students as well as himself. How did my child get high enough on something to jump on another child and hurt him this way? Please review his IEP ASAP.


I want to send that note in, but I wont. I will write something along those lines  but far nicer. I will send her in lot’s of reading material about impulsivity and ASD kids. I will remind her that  a few years ago he got away from a teacher and ran into the street. I will reiterate my concern for his safety. But not one bit of it will be snarky or angry. Sarcasm helps no one right?

That’s what this blog is for…

Hi, I want to introduce you to my mom

Today was Sammy's open house  and normally I hate them. Seriously It makes me feel like a caged animal. I always wonder if the teachers are all watching me thinking "ahhh that's why he is the way he is" totally my baggage I get it. still. I hate it. The minute I walk in I can almost hear the circus music playing in the back ground. I look around hoping no one is tossing a beach ball at me expecting me to balance it on my nose or something crazy. It's always the same stuff, see the place Sammy sits (near the teacher)  see all the work he does (with help) and meet the teacher. She seems pretty nice.but she isn't Mrs. Tynan!(last year's teacher who had that special something that made her super amazing) I warned her about Sammy's best friend make believe Max and it turns out she has already been warned. (yay for this school district so far) All in all he seems to be doing far better this year than last which to me is a surprise.  I spoke with Mrs. Gent (the special ed liaison) and got some great info on what he is doing, signed him up for a program at recess for social skills and spoke to the gym and music teacher about how Sam seems to be doing socially in those classes(since it is far less structured)

There was one huge highlight of the night. each person he brought me to he smiled and said "i want to introduce you to my mom" and then looked back at me smiled and said "mom  this is _______ my teacher" it was amazing.INCREDIBLE. I have never seen him do anything like this before in his life! He has a "best friend" as well now and when they saw each other the conversation was fluid.He even said "hey great to see you,I want you to meet my mom"

That may not seem like much for some. The parents of NT kids reading this may not understand the huge accomplishment this is. It's the equivalent of Sammy building a space ship and flying to the moon. I can only imagine he learned this at Social Skills group, but not only did he LEARN it he USED it! I am one very proud momma today.It almost made it worth it when he had a behavior before bed.

linking this for today!
I decided this week to jump along with Toddle Along Tuesday with Mama G at Growing up Geeky. The topic this week is “Something you love about your kid(s).”

do I have to?

I hated homework as a kid.seriously it was like filing my own teeth with an emery board. I hated it so much. I decided I liked it by college but only because by then the OCD had tipped the scale in favor of neat written papers and straight lines.

My oldest son Tyler has Aspergers and at 16 is delayed only in the executive functioning skills (planning,organizing and follow through) and he does have a written language disability called Dysgraphia. For those of you that don't know what that is, it means his writing sucks. it's really bad. To this day at 16 he still spells red- R-A-D on paper. He knows it's red, he can do it verbally and he is not lacking by any means for intelligence. The signal gets jammed from his head to his hands. We tried an assisted technology eval a few years ago and found something called http://www.gingersoftware.com/  A minor miracle for our household and the writing of papers and book reports. Tyler hates homework as well . It is hard and complicated and he struggles with it. In 7th grade he almost failed because of homework. A's and high B's on tests,classwork and all projects without writing and they still wanted to fail him for homework. It did not happen, and while I understand the importance of following directions and doing the required work, I don't think any kid should fail based on homework. If it can help their grade, awesome!



So here we are with Sammy.2 pages of homework every night. One math,One spelling. Sammy.Hates. Homework! Every night it's the same battle,the same argument the same tears and gnashing of teeth. Would it be terrible of me to not have him do it? To have him try and encourage him to try but if he just can't get himself together to let him skip it? Does it make me a horrible mom?  Snacks during the work help him since that child will eat until he pops if we let him. So  how hard do I push.

son Rise program

This is the first I have heard of this program. Tell me what do you think?

http://www.autismtreatmentcenter.org/contents/about_son-rise/what_is_the_son-rise_program.php

daring to dream and wanting to fly

      I am allowing myself this moment, to dream...
 It's been harder and harder for me to dream about Sammy's future. We just went to speak to someone about life insurance and in doing so had to prepare for the eventuality someone WILL have to help care for Sammy in some capacity when we are gone.
      But for now I am taking the time to dream...
That some day he will find something he loves to do,that is amazing. That he will find love and have dreams. That he will succeed in life and someday outrun autism enough that it is in his shadow and not the other way around. Because Damn it It should be that way.
The simple things we take for granted as moms and dads and grandparents of  neurotypical kids. He should be learning to tie his shoes and instead he's screaming and writhing on the floor just trying to put them on. It hurts watching him struggle.
       But for now I am taking the time to dream...

That this morning he wakes up with a smile. That his windows are wide open and the sun is shining bright. I miss my Sunshine Sam, it's been too long. I am dreaming of a morning where breakfast isn't full of tears and everyone is ready on time. Where I don't spend my morning trying to figure out what new issue has been created in his mind or by his clothes. That this morning he looks at me and really LOOKS AT ME tells me he loves me with a smile and gives me a hug, without me having to ask. Without me having to take him by the shoulders and hug him and force myself into his world. Because Damn it I am tired. I don't want to feel like I have to force myself on him every day. I want to be in his world. I want him to want me there. Today, he does, because I am taking the time to dream...

4000 views

Silly arbitrary number. BUT we hit 4000 views. It always amazes me that people look at this blog! So thanks guys for reading and feel free to drop a note and say hello.

The chaos of mermaids

Sammy loves movies and will often watch them over and over. he perseverates on bits and pieces. Little sections that are part of the whole. Things that often aren't noticed by anyone but him. It makes figuring out what movie he means to watch very difficult sometimes. He cannot often remember the name of the movie and instead gives us a quote or a detail.

Sammy watching Hercules 

yesterday it was the little mermaid . he was crying and flailing because no one understood him or what he wanted. He just kept insisting that he watched it at the cops house and the girl got skinny. Daniel could not figure out what he meant.

turns out Sammy thought Daddy was trying to trick him and not watch the whole movie. He was convinced that Daddy had somehow started it in the middle and was very upset. He was talking about the one time he watched it at Daniel's friend Jeremy's(the cop) house. He thought the movie started where Ursula turned into the girl who stole away the prince. No convincing him otherwise. He did settle down after a few times rewinding it until it stopped (yes its a VHS) Then he watched the movie through.

Someday These things wont catch me by surprise...right?

snapshots

Sammy is gorgeous. perhaps it is simply my love for him that makes him so. Often we run into people amazed by how handsome and physically perfect he is. Across the board I find a lot of parents of kids like Sammy are told the same thing. Perhaps it is some sort of survival mechanism for them? Who knows. I take a ton of photos of Sammy, almost daily in fact. I love pictures of Sammy, especially the ones where you catch the fleeting glimps of who he is behind the autism. Every once in a while we get "that" photo. The one where autism lets my son come out and play. I love those photos.

Sammy has started grabbing the camera and taking pictures of his world, his view and his ideas. often it's an unfocused picture of his fingers flying and stimming, or someone's knees, or books out of place. But a few times now he has caught an excellent picture that makes us smile. We are going to encourage this with him. I want him to find something he loves. If that means going off in every possible direction just so he can find his. I am there 100%

picture of grace taken by sammy

drawing boards

Sammy likes to draw pictures. He often sits and colors page after page after page. He loves it so much he has even stopped eating the crayons, which for Sammy is an amazing feat. A  few days ago he began drawing something that resembled a funnel and an ant farm combined. I asked him about it. Turns out my son was drawing a water treatment facility powered by a tornado that made drinking water and filtered out poop. I have no idea where he learned this or figured this out. I was pretty amazed honestly. What have your kids said or done that has amazed you?

Edit ~ I noticed this post has become very popular. How did you find your way here today? drop me a comment or send me an email to let me know silentnight913@yahoo.com

sunshine, lillipops and rainbows everywhere

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. My brother loved that book and often checked it out of the library in Fairhaven. However, Sammy seems to have some sort of mental block with reading. He CAN do it word by word but insists he cannot. I am struggling (along with the Special Education teacher) to figure out why. I want him to love books like I do. I want him to find his imagination wrapped in  a book and create authentic enjoyment for them. He needs an outlet for that incredible imagination he has locked inside his amazing intellect. It's dying to get out, I can see it bouncing around in there when I look into his eyes, much like a super bounce ball in a small room.

He does however LOVE the movie of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. How can I turn his love for movies into a love for reading? Is that fair? I hate the reward/token economy that we often fall into with Sammy. I feel it's taking away an intrinsic need to be a good person and replacing it with stickers and dollar store treats. It works, for now. Will he ever get to a point where it doesn't work anymore? What then? I guess that is a bridge we will cross when we get closer. Right now we are just to busy climbing the mountain to worry about it


He went off to school today chipper and woke up full of The Awesome ( http://blog.pigtailpals.com/20
11/08/waking-up-full-of-awesome/)

mornings and sock toes

I am not a morning person.Not even close. Perhaps it is some sort of genetic trait to be passed on to children. Perhaps it is simply a learned behavior. Whatever it is I have no idea. I can say however,that undoubtedly I am raising 2 non-morning people. AJ who is 13 and Sammy who is now 7.
What is a morning person~ Nate wakes and bounces out of bed, twittering and chirping and babbling about something.smiles and giggles and requests for breakfast at 5:30am. Am I being punished for something? Seriously, no child should be that chipper before I have had coffee.

I appreciate a slow start to my mornings. Prayer and coffee in the one spot of my house that is bathed in intense light. Moments of reflection on the clean of my kitchen and the sparkle of my sink. I enjoy the slow waking of the day.

It's school time here which means no quiet mornings.No blissful cups of coffee unless I plan to be up at 4:30 am. Did I mention I am not a morning person?
Every morning here is akin to the front lines in Afganistan. Getting all the kids and the hubby out the door in the morning is chaotic at best. Thankfully hubby tries not to wake me up until he has to (to remind me to pump before baby girl wakes up) Tyler leaves at 6:30am, AJ at 7:30, Sammy at 8am and Nates lessons start at 8:30. In that time I have t make breakfasts and nurse a baby.

 It takes me almost an hour and a half to get Sammy out of bed each day and ready for school. Gentle wake ups  followed by more insistent directives to get up and get dressed. We have found shoes and socks he will pout on so far this year. Our big issue...cold pants. He HATES THEM. With spazzing screaming flailing flapping intensity. I have tried sitting on them,ironing them,blow drying them, tucking them underneath me while I sleep.Nope not having it. Today I woke him and was told "you just don't wake people like that" followed by screaming about cold waist bands on his pants. Then I looked, he was wearing pants already....Hmmmm OK. WIN he wore the ones he had on. It's a solution I can live with!

He then spent the next 25 minutes looking at me cross-eyed and telling me his shirt was too long,that he wasn't going to school in the rain,that breakfast smelled funny and I shouldn't wear purple. He went to school against his better judgement.
He came home a mess. Homework and an unacceptable snack have set him off and he tried to run away. He is now chilling out in his room until he feels like being around us again. His homework is still undone and he still has not had snack yet.
It's only the second week of school here people. I am tired already.  Five days in and I am already in a funk. I am re-reading Unconditional parenting in the hopes of gleaning some better insight on how to fix this

today Ayn's dad goes into court

Today, the forces of darkness are being challenged. The hearing is set for today.I can only pray for wisdom and discernment for the judges and re-post her father's plea for her return. 

My name is Derek I am a single father of three wonderful young children, aged 9, 10 and 11; my youngest two have both been diagnosed with severe autism. Though a constant and challenging struggle, I have done my best to protect and nurture them, as I love them so much and have dedicated my life to their achievement of happiness. My youngest child is a bright and beautiful little spitfire named Ayn. She has and is blossoming so well here at home and has come so far to overcome her obvious disability, she does however continue to struggle and outburst when in other environments, particularly at school. Ayn is naive and unaware of the dangers that exist in the world at large, so when on Sunday June 12th she escaped the backyard we were very worried for her safety. With each passing moment the likelihood that something terrible had happened increased, as Ayn should stand out from other children easily and should have been quickly spotted. Fortunately Ayn was discovered two doors down playing in a neighbours backyard, the neighbour had taken an afternoon nap which provided Ayn with the ability to play undisturbed. The challenges I have faced in caring for my daughter have been encompassing and life altering, these challenges are very dynamic and new challenges arise as fast as the old one depart. Now with her discovery of the neighbours nearby trampoline and pool, she will undoubtedly seek to return there, vigilance will be required to face this new found challenge, but it is one which I must now face just as I have with each prior challenge and as i would have to with our future challenges as well. As it stands today I may never get that opportunity. On the morning of June 16th two workers from CPS arrived at my home to request that I "voluntarily" give Ayn over to them (she was at school at the time), if I refused they would simply coercively remove her. There should be no illusions here when someone approaches you and says "give me your child or i'm taking her" you should not pretend that any such choice would be done "voluntarily". Within hours of her removal Ayn had hospitalized and drugged with powerful neuroleptics, one of which at double the maximum daily dose. Her whereabouts has been concealed from me, due to me refusing to sign the voluntary agreement. And I will not be given the opportunity to argue before an impartial court as per why this was a wrongful removal for months. After twelve days of hospitalization, in which the hospital noted "no bruises or evidence of physical abuse and her body status showed no evidence of neglect" , and "Initially there was some suspicion of ADHD along with autistic aggression, but this dissipated as Ayn improved...". The hospital insisted on discharging her (june 28th), she is now in foster care awaiting further hospitalization as the Ministry has waitlisted Ayn for a longer term residential based psychiatric assessment. My little girl is autistic, she does not require a psychiatric assessment, I am aware that she does not understand the dangers that lurk, I love her and I protect her, when Ayn has a tantrum at school it is me they either call in to calm her or send her home to, when she is injured it is to me whom she turns because she "needs a bandage". The greatest successes this little girl has had were nurtured in the home, she loves it here, she loves her brothers and she loves her Dad, It is my firm belief that if our system of child protection has reached a point where a happy thriving child who was not abused and in no need of medicating, can be coercively removed from their family, forcibly medicated within hours, denied access to that family punitively, and the family is given no redress for months potentially years; then we are indeed facing a serious systemic problem. A problem which unfortunately is not confined to my city or province, nor even my country, for these acts are playing out around the world. Please help me get my little girl back and to address this issue in such a way that it never affects another family again.

I would be forever in your debt, 

Derek (July28th)

 The preceding was updated on the 28th of July, and with a meeting on the 29th at my home with a social worker from the MCFD, came many new developments. I hesitate to sound overly optimistic, but what a difference: a day, the public spotlight and an experts opinion can make. Though I still lack a firm commitment from the Ministry, they have informed me that Ayn's case has now been reviewed by their resident autism expert. This expert has advised them against placing Ayn in the psychiatric facility, why this expert was not introduced to this case earlier is unknown. In addition the Ministry has ironically informed me that all they would like to see is for Ayn to have proper supports in place, something which I have been advocating for years now. With these supports in place she can come home... reason to rejoice? Perhaps, but without a firm Ministerial commitment to this I cannot relent in my quest for her return. Nor will I relent in my advocacy for the reformation necessary to prevent these systemic failures from ever effecting another family as it has mine. And I ask the same of all those whom have chosen to support Ayn, myself. and all those families facing this threat in the future.  Please join us in ensuring Ayn comes home promptly and a positive reformation of the very system which allowed and endorsed these unjust actions. (Aug 1) 

 iconoclast_ensues@yahoo.com

http://www.facebook.com/groups/152278868178942?ap=1

www.justiceforayn.com

www.justiceforayn.ca

you cant take my eyes

And So We Ride

Sammy began hounding me the day after his birthday that he was indeed ready to ride without training wheels. insistent ornery and demanding he repeated a trillion times "take off the side wheels I am ready to go" I didn't believe him. I was tired and cranky and had about enough I finally just said "fine, when daddy comes home we can take off the training wheels"By the time my husband came home I figured Sammy had forgotten. Sammy then went ,took out a wrench and dismantled his training wheels himself in stealth Sammy fashion.He comes in with one training wheel in hand  and a smear of grease across his soft white cheek, smudges of dirt  under his eye, and the look of accomplishment and pride plastered on his face.

I cant lie, I was not ready for this. I didn't believe he was either. This same boy could not even pedal a tricycle last summer. The coordination it takes to move a bike is tremendous. I could only see our past attempts at difficult things playing out in front of me. the frustration the anger and the screaming. That screaming goes through me like a hot poker. I hate it.So I tried distraction and got the boys to go for a walk with me. We walked 6 square blocks. It was almost dark when we got home. The first few blocks I could hear Sammy muttering "I am going to ride my bike,dad said,when I get home" over and over and over but he stopped before we got home. I thought we were passed it...nope. We turn the corner to the house and Sammy takes off like a rocket and comes back a second later with his bike helmet on. "daddy, I'm ready to go"

I am holding my breath, stealing myself for what is sure to come. Daniel helps him remove the other wheel and we take him across the street. I did not bring the camera, thinking for sure this was going to end badly. I grit my teeth and sit on the curb watching...

HE did it. Really did it. first try he rode a two wheeler all by himself. he didn't fall once. he just rode and rode and rode in circles. He smiled..no BEAMED! He was so proud of himself. I fumbled with my phone trying to get a usable video to post. It's so hard to see but it's there.



Tears streaming down my face as I watch my Sammy Sunshine riding a bike, like millions of other 7 year olds across the country ,across the world. It's so normal, so typical...so HUGE! It's so easy to take for granted moments like this, to just assume your child will learn to ride a bike. It is the little things like this that help me to wake up and fight this battle one more day. It's moments like this that Sammy and I win against autism and I can exhale and enjoy it. We win, autism doesn't take away my baby tonight, it releases it's icy grasp on my sunshine boy for just one night.One Night of reprieve and hope that there may be more to come. someday.

We celebrated with strawberry milkshakes and big kid glasses and straws. We shot straw wrappers at each other and giggled together at the table. Daniel asked Sammy how he knew he was ready and he only had this to say
"I watched the big kids,  it made sense,I saw them and figured it out, to ride a bike, just make it turn"

birthdays

This post has been playing on my mind all week. the wording,the structure. How I can make it not sad or melancholy. How I can make the post happy and upbeat. It's a birthday I should be so happy to have a healthy child. I should be amazed at all he can do. right? It should stop there. For parents of NT kids ... it does. But for those of us in Autism Land we all know it doesn't. Every birthday, though much celebrated, is bittersweet. I wanted this to be a bubblegum post about happy birthdays wished and proud moments of sunshine. I wanted this post to not have to even exist. Here I sit with my coffee in hand and tissues ready. Because even after years of facing my demons with Sammy and slaying the dragon, my heart still breaks into pieces each year when he turns a year older. So forgive me this will not be one of those posts full of sunshine and rainbows. Perhaps because it comes at the end of summer, when we have been holding Sammy together using Duct tape for 3 weeks, after summer program.Perhaps I am just still angry. Who knows.

Sammy doesn't seem to age the way other kids do. While he gets taller and his shoe size changes, his mind set doesn't change as much. He seems much the same Sammy year after year. There are changes, some I never thought would happen. Things I thought we would never accomplish and mountains I never thought we would conquer.  The road has been rocky and steep. I am tired, and he doesn't even know how far he has come. He knows he has autism. he has no idea what that means and he is trying so hard to figure out what it means for him. He understands it makes him different, and we tried to make it positive. For some I guess it can be,but he struggles so much with day to day normal stuff. I just want to whisk him away and make it alright.

He is Seven now. Seven! It's hard to believe that this boy is more than half way to 10! He ages about 6 months developmentally for every chronological year he passes. we are up to about 3.5/4 years of age in his thought process. Mind you this isn't ability. He can do a ton of things most kids his age do and I will post more on that later.  However in his head Sammy is on much the same page as Nathaniel. In some ways Nate is even beginning to pass Sammy. Baby Nate (as he is affectionately nick named) is quickly becoming the big brother, getting Sammy's toys and coat, helping him find his shoes, and get dressed. Nate protects Sammy all the time. It breaks my heart.

my camera died mid song

He chose his birthday meal of Chicken Pie, lettuce (not salad) and dressing and cake(with berries). We went to the store just the two of us and Grace. He pranced through the produce, touched every carrot before picking one and wanted to put chocolate chips in the pie. He smelled every box of strawberries. He picked out the chicken and shook the blueberries so hard I had about 20 squished ones in the box when we got home. He smiled and told each person that passed "it's my birthday I'm having chicken pie" I heard it about 5 dozen times. I came home, we made the meal. He played video games ( a big no-no if the sun is up here) but since it was his birthday he was allowed and I had a glass of wine. We had a slight meltdown over the games being done for dinner, but then something amazing happened... Sammy came to the table and served everyone both salad and pie. Each time asking "would you like chicken pie? would you like lettuce, not salad,just lettuce" I never thought when we set out on this journey that this could happen. He was so present, so open. His windows were Wide open and I could feel the breeze. Thank you God for the breath of fresh air after these past two weeks I can use it.

I love my son. I want so many wonderful things for him but I hurt. my heart breaks and some days I wish it could just be easy. Some days I hate autism. Some days I want to punch autism in the face. I am angry, it's like an 8th person in the house who steals birthdays and sunshine and kicks puppies. I hate it! However I love my Son. He is amazing. and he shows me everyday that I take myself too seriously. He has helped me let go and smile again. He is amazing...and now He's seven

birthdays and bike rides

Sammy turned 7 this week. Seven! where did the time go?

Running Away

So, Sammy has run away. He is angry that he could not have his lollipop after hitting his younger brother. He ran out of the house with nothing on but his pants. His younger brother Nate chased after him and reminded him he needed clothes and food! Sammy came back Nate helped him pack and they left together. I told them to be careful for wolves. They aren't afraid of anything

want ~vs~ fear

It amused me to see him stop and think about what it meant to go off the board.he didnt dive by the way. check out that

sunshine, clouds and rainbows

Sometimes the sun can shine so bright you almost forget the rainy days even exist.

It's been wonderful here, mostly. I am emotional knowing Sammy's birthday is coming. It's difficult for me to see his younger brother passing him in so many skill sets. Sammy is such an intense kid but some days hes all cotton candy and lollipops. I enjoy those days. The days when he sits on my lap and cuddles up or kisses me without needing to be begged . The days he actually tells me about his day and smiles. The days when he looks me square in the eye and says thank you. A lot of those things Sam has learned by watching Nate master them.

Tonight was a night where Nate excelled and Sammy sputtered.We took them to the pool at their Auntie Norma's house. Nate jumped off the diving board swam from end to end(he does wear a float suit) but Sammy spazzed every few minutes. He kept trying and did very well in the end. but he never left the three foot side. He wore a life jacket and could more than touch bottom. He wanted to have fun with the big kids so bad. It breaks my heart to see the inner struggle of a child who wants to do something so badly that it's written in capital letters on their face. To see that something inside my boy is keeping him from going after the dream in his head. It must be like dueling Jedi in his head. How horrible that must be for him. I watched him tonight at war. Not with any other person but with himself.

These moments are the hardest because I cannot just rush in and protect him, love him and fix it. My hands are tied almost as much as his are. It makes me want to scream. Sometimes I wish autism were a person that I could just punch in the face, or scream at. I wish I could go in at night and steal my baby away from it, take control and take him back. What a fool I am to think I have that kind of power. But yet I work hard everyday, stealing bits of Sammy back from autism. like ingredients in a cake.

All I can do is support my son. Love him unconditionally. Treat him with respect and admiration for every fight he wins and even the ones he looses. Because, even when he does loose, he always goes back to fight just one more time. Each time I will be beside him with my light saber ready to take on anyone who dare challenge my Jedi. Until I stop to breath again and see the vibrant colors across the sky
I know there must be a rainbow somewhere for us. There is too much rain and sunshine for there not to be. It's just hard to see it sometimes when your in the battle.

open windows and breezes

There really are good days in my house. Sometimes I almost forget where we are at and the battles of the days gone by. There are days when autism lets sammy out to play with me and it makes my heart fly. Those moments aren't long, they dont last more than minutes.Every moment fills a lifetime of void I feel. There is a a dissconnect with Sam and I. Although I love him with all that I am it is sometimes hard to tell if he loves me too. I know he does with my logical side and he does say it. It's often the words he has been taught and not the way he feels. He feels anger fully, unabashedly and completely. He is learning about his feelings slowly. He sometimes feels sad, which always surprises me.
So these good days, the days with open windows and cool breezes, are my favorite. the days when Sammy get through the whole day without a behavior or lashing out. A day where he doesn't escape or run away or hit and swear. Friday was one of those days.

We went to the park and had a picnic. While the process of getting there was a horror show the actual event was amazing. Sammy played and laughed and behaved. I put no restrictions on him except that he was not to leave the playground. He ran , he played, he hid. He SMILED. a few times he attempted to interact with other kids and I watched as he clumsily interjected into the play and conversation. The children were forgiving and pleasant. I resisted the urge to go facilitate and simply sat and watched and he found his way into the crowd to play too as the little boy beside him simply shrugged and ran after him.
I was so happy to watch that moment to know Sam did it all by himself.

I told him how proud of him I was on the way home and how grateful I was for how well he behaved. Sammy smiled. A true pleased, cat ate the canary, kind of smile.We made it home without a single behavior. I watched him in the review mirror at a stop light. I caught his eyes and with those open windows  that cool breeze floated across the car as he smiled and said "I love you mom thanks for the picnic" and then he was gone. fluttering his fingers in front of his eyes so he could sleep. my sweet angel does love me and I sat there enjoying that breeze and taking a deep breath. I wanted to imprint that on my mind so that tonight when he screams and kicks over the pajamas I choose I can remind myself. He loves me.

MF Alert: Canadian 9-year-old forcibly given psychiatric drugs, over family's wishes — MFI Portal

MF Alert: Canadian 9-year-old forcibly given psychiatric drugs, over family's wishes — MFI Portal

How have we come so far? How did we allow this to happen. our most vulnerable population special needs kids and young children have been torn from parents and assaulted with drugs. Scarier still this is not an isolated case. There are many children who have been placed in Ministry care and as a result have been harmed further.

This poor baby. alone, scared and confused. clouded and neglected for. How my heart hurts for this precious girl and her father who loves her terribly.

When you kiss your kids goodnight tonight and say your prayers take just a moment to say an extra prayer for Ayn and her father. All things are possible through prayer. For HE can and HE will. his plan is in motion our job is to pray so that the evil of the world , the darkness, cannot win

other options for helping Ayn

If letter writing is not your thing consider tweeting for Ayn- tweet with me @AynLoves or @Justice4Ayn Join the Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/groups/152278868178942
Sign the Petition http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/bring-ayn-van-dyk-home/
Give to the Freedom Fund http://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/7b63658d1ed44042b6c67b5a4119adcf

this was a posted comment on the page so i figured I would repost it, just to make sure people see it

‪Derek Hoare talks to Ezra Levant with Sun News Network‬‏ - YouTube

‪Derek Hoare talks to Ezra Levant with Sun News Network‬‏ - YouTube

excuse the quality its recorded from the t.v. every time i think about this I feel ill. this little girl is in danger in custody. google "special needs children in ministry care" the stats of death and injury are ridiculous!

the weight of it

I took Sammy to the grocery store. I typically choose not to since it's hard to keep his hands off things but I took him anyway. Temporary amnesia perhaps? Who knows what I was thinking.
Sam was pretty good.  He did discover the scales all over the produce department. everything we bought he would run over to the scales and place it inside.... flap flap flap. how much mom over and over flap flap flap... he was by far the most excited about the beets and snap peas.I would answer him each time the amount. he would ask if it was exact. and then ask if it was enough or too much. he would go to each veggie we have in our garden and repeat "we have those  right mom?" with such beaming pride and excitement that we did indeed have them in our garden. I apparently should have planted jalapeno peppers, Brussel sprouts and corn. I got an earful over those things. All was good until it was time to leave. Aj watched over him while I checked out and Sammy bolted towards the door. Aj stopped him and then of course Sam punched AJ. lovely. apparently Sammy's limit was about 5 minutes short of what needed to happen which is a vast improvement



Normal for us however most days. I still say it was a decent trip.

What bothers me though is the way people stare. they watch and make comments under their breath. Yes. I have five kids. No, I am not anymore overwhelmed right now than I was before #5 was born. Yes, everything is fine. Yes, I can handle it. No, I'm not some derelict mother who cannot control my kids.
Having five kids seems to make people want to find something to judge me on.
I use to be that way many moons ago. I was the one who thought I had parenting down. I was SOOO good at it. HA! youth and ignorance. I have been humbled by a child who chooses to do his own thing.  A child that laughs in the middle of the store for no reason and so loudly that people turn their heads and stare. I have been humbled by a child who runs away from me, cried for no outwardly discernible reason and screams words like moron and idiot  anytime he doesn't get what he wants. Who tells me he hates me on a daily basis. Even though I know he doesn't mean it, it still stings and even though I know sometimes he just cant control the impulse I still feel like a bad parent.
I have been humbled by Sammy. No need to judge me people, because quite frankly you will never be as hard on me as I am on myself

Abbotsford News - Support grows for Abbotsford dad trying to get back his autistic daughter

Abbotsford News - Support grows for Abbotsford dad trying to get back his autistic daughter

The more I read the more upset I get. This child was taken almost a MONTH ago. She spent 18 days crying. Dad just got his first report on her. days without seeing his child. the findings all stating no neglect, no abuse, no mistreatment found. yet they still hold Ayn. can you imagine what this must feel like for this man?

No walk in the park

Baseball. Fun Right? Sammy's 13 year old brother plays baseball, so we spend time at the park a few times a week. Sammy usually ends up in the trees playing guns along side a few other kids. kind of with and kind of not. AJ's friend Jacob was there last night and Sammy loves him. Jake had a friend with him  and Sammy not knowing how to interject himself decided beating the snot out of this kid was a good idea. We were able to stop it and redirect. the rest of the evening was going well. He would run around the park we would chase him. It's old hat and we are so use to it by now it's no big deal. He has gotten better about staying within the boundaries we set and not running off.

Well he went to throw something away and bolted. Apparently some bigger kids were joking around and teasing Jake. Now when I say bigger kids I mean 6 foot tall bigger kids! Sammy lost it and tried to take on the biggest one. Daniel intervened and we removed Sammy kicking and screaming. everyone looking at us wondering what the heck just happened. Some nights all I can do is shake my head and wonder if it ever gets better

The story of Ayn

Ayn is a 9 year old girl with 2 siblings, a loving father, and autism. She was removed from her father's care because child services felt he was overburdened. This poor baby is now up all night, over medicated, having major behaviors and is still not home with dad. How can these things happen in this day and age. It isn't ok. If you have a second check out his blog 2 posts down. Here is also the form letter for the campaign to help Ayn by writing letters. lets get it moving people and get this girl home.

Date:

Dear ____________

I would like to bring to your attention please an urgent matter which was recently brought to mine.  A little girl, Ayn van Dyk, has been coercively removed from the protection of her father Derek Hoare by the Ministry of Children and Family Development, on June 16th 2011 in Abbotsford, British Columbia.  Though I understand that the separation of powers disallows you to interfere in a Judicial matter, your attention to this matter is due, and any ministerial awareness you can bring is deserved.  Ayn is still a Canadian citizen, who should have the rights there in, she has been removed from her home and as of July 01 still awarded no contact with her family. No allegations of abuse exist, the Ministry believes that Mr. Hoare though a good, loving father, is overwhelmed with his three children, two of whom are autistic. And that the least disruptive measure possible to ensure Ayn is protected is removal from the home. It is with little investigation into the matter which the Ministry has done this, as they have not yet spoken to relevant parties concerning Ayn's behaviour in the home.  

Mr. Hoare and others have stated that Ayn was showing great improvment in the home, yet continued to struggle in a school setting, due to her frequent aggression, she was placed in isolation on a limited school day, and Mr. Hoare was brought in frequently to diffuse Ayn's outbursts or bring her home, where she was calm and constructive.  This child has demonstrated a clear ability to thrive in the home in an unmedicated state, and hence medication is clearly not required for this girls stabilization. Yet deemed not suitable for the foster care system Ayn has been placed in a "specialized hospital" for evaluation and stabilization. Please stand up for the rights of this little girl, she very likely will not undergo any medicating willfully. And has thus: been removed from a loving home, with ever changing and adapting safety measures in place, and been placed in a facility, where she may live through coercive medicating.  

Love, understanding, consistency and stability are very critical to an autistic child's development, to have her endure this experience, let alone the continuation of it, cannot be good for her well being.  Logically if this girl was thriving in the home she should be returned and given proper education and behavioural supports when outside the home, where she was volatile and uncooperative. Families of autistic people everywhere have to protect their children throughout their development, and I believe it is with their loving and willing families first with whom they should reside.  If the Ministry is indeed concerned about Ayn's safety at home or behaviour in the school, coercively removing her and instutionalizing her is an abhorrent reaction to such concern.

With respectful urgency,

Top 25 Autism Spectrum Blogs-Moms, dads, young people blogging ASD

Top 25 Autism Spectrum Blogs-Moms, dads, young people blogging ASD

come one guys vote for you-leave-me-breadless and check out all the other amazing blogs on the site. read them

alphabet soup

Everything has a label, we have ADHD, PDD, GDD, NT, PPD, HFA, AP, GD, EC, and OCD just to name a few. everything has something to signify the disorder, the type of parenting, a deviation from the norm. We put labels on all of it, Like each person is simply a spice or a can in the pantry of life.

Sam's labels help him get services. PDD and ADHD and PICA. He gets help, he becomes a child in the pantry with his label. I am guilty of it. I attach that label whenever he starts acting out in public. Because I feel guilt that I cant "control my child" I feel guilt and fear that I am being judged across the board for his behavior. Once again he LOOKS so typical so I feel like I have to justify. It's so unfair to him. I am working on it

I have always labeled myself as well. I am an AP parent. yup! It's like a badge of honor that I wear proudly. I breastfeed,cloth diaper,co-sleep, anticipate the needs of my babies and let my babies self wean. It has defined who I am as a parent for 16 years. My XH mother railed me for it, my mother applauded me for it, my friends questioned it, applied it, renounced it and adapted it.

Then came Sammy. My world came full stop something like the titanic after hitting the iceberg. How can you parent a child with attachment practices that refuses to attach? SERIOUSLY FRUSTRATING. How do you anticipate needs for a child who doesn't have a clue what his needs are? HOW do I do this? I don't I guess.

I have had to change my strategy. My AP'ness becomes more like that of a bear cub's mother. I protect him from himself and from the world. I tell people that he is autistic so that he wont be judged as a bad kid. So they look at him with empathy and not judgement. He doesn't need sympathy he isn't broken and neither am I

HE IS STRONG AND WILLFUL AND SMART AND INTENSE! and now so am I.

I have to parent him differently. I have to let him struggle and learn. I have to allow him frustration and anger so that he can propel forward. I can't mitigate his struggle but I can hold his hand and guide him, love him and hold him when it all becomes too much for both of us.

Our kids don't assimilate the way other kids do. They don't learn simply by seeing it happen. Each step has to be taught and retaught. over and over.SN kids don't just "figure it out" some day, they don't magically wake up one day and get it. OK maybe some do but most do not.

Attachment parenting is all about meeting the needs of each child right? I am, just not in the typical way other people do. For kids like Sammy we attachment parent by stepping back, holding our breath and often simply saying a quiet prayer. Dear Lord let this be the right thing.

The baby whisperer

So many people are amazed at how babies are drawn to Sammy. They love him.crying baby? That's no match for Super Sam! We have a new baby here.She.Loves.Sam.

Love isn't really a strong enough word for what Sammy and Grace have. She looks at Sammy as though he is her hero.Her very own knight in shining armor.Can a 3 month old baby idolize someone? If it's possible she does. They share moments when I watch them looking at each other. no words no noise just the two of them. I am amazed...  Amazed to see the light in my girl's eyes and the love she has for him. To hear him tell me that he loves her so much he wants to eat her. To see my son, who often resembles The Hulk in a roid rage, soften when he sees his sister. To stop a behavior just because she makes a noise. Its amazing to see how much this little being has changed our house. how much it has changed Sammy.
 There is this part of me, this deep hidden place where the trolls live (before coffee trolls), that is jealous, hurt and almost sad. I know it's so irrational but I am jealous that she connects with him on a level I can't. Even as his mother.
When we brought her home he told me "Sorry mom I cant love you anymore, I love Grace" and that has held true. He barely acknowledged me in passing. He doesn't need to. Wherever I am Grace is too. I tried to take him with me , just him and I and he refused. I feel like I failed, or hit the lottery I cant figure out which one really. But for now I am just grateful that he loves her and it isn't the other way around. I'll just sit here and watch him sleep, kiss his brow, and whisper to him that I still love him...like a banana

explaining to sammy

sammy wants to know how protected the baby is inside my belly

its a p

It's a p - peanut with a P and a nut! i love that kid. Sammy in the background of his nutcase younger brother. Sammy taught Nate to "rack" peanuts with his head. thank god we don't buy almonds


sammy and his hand signals. maybe he will someday work as air traffic control

sweetest moments

awesome moment with Sammy tonight. He made us all smile and it was awesome. Dan was kneeling beside me and Sammy jumped on him. Dan fell over. Sammy looked over , processed for a second and went "ohhh!" in the sweetest little voice. then looked at Dan and asked. "was it fun?!" after Daniel explained that no it was not fun Sammy asked if he was OK. very sweet.

IEP+I expect puke

Sammy's IEP is coming up. he's going through all the testing at the school. So far we know he is doing OK in speech and that his syntax and grammar has improved drastically (please God don't let him test out of speech)  However according to his IEP update with report card they "believe" his lack of progress is due more to internal regulation and internal issues then an inability to perform the work. he CAN spell. he CAN add. he CAN keep up. but he often needs assistance with his daily work. homework is a crap show here as often results in tears . He has such a hard time reading. He cant sit still. He has psychological issues in addition to the autism issues. I feel like we cant win for loosing. then I wonder what his IEP meeting will be like.

In acushnet we were assured he was fine, it was my issue, in my head. they didn't see any of the stuff we did here. I felt lost. Now I know they see a lot of the issues we do, not as violent but the rest of them. So i feel better knowing it's not just me...but sad...because it's not just me

bugs!

Everyone here is finally health. PRAISE JESUS!
I just finished watching parenthood for this week. Amazing Andy and his bugs. It's so funny to watch that. I picture Sammy as an adult as he runs through my house in his superman costume trying to sneak snacks into the living room. He makes me smile.

When Max's dad asked Andy if he was happy and he said "yes, sometimes" and then asked Adam if he was. It occurred to me. that's what I am working so hard for. For Sam to have a normal, happy sometimes kind of life. just like me, but better. I can only support him and love him and pray for every bit of normal he can gather in life.

It takes some of the pressure off, because I really do think he is happy, sometimes. I just somehow got caught up believing he was supposed to be happy all the time. that somehow him being autistic meant I was supposed to make his world perfect for him to get better. What exactly is better anyway? I don't want him to be a drone of society, I like his quirky different thinking and his little idiosyncrasies. I appreciate most of them... except for the issues we have with sock.yes, except socks.

I want Sammy to be happy, and honestly... I think he may be...

....sometimes

sam snow and stomach bugs

We have all been sick here. Sammy was the last one to linger with the sick bug. Plus we have had a ton of snow days as well. This makes for some very stir crazy kids.However with me being sick Sammy has had opportunities to show off his sweeter side. I LOVE IT. covering me with blankets. brushing my hair and hugging my feet. its been a rough few weeks but I do really enjoy having him home(mostly because I don't have to make him get dressed!)

effects of pot!

a loose tooth wiggle wiggle wiggle

sam has a wiggly tooth. just a little wiggly but he is a man on a mission. wiggle wiggle wiggle. all.day.long he keeps asking me to feel it. eeewwwwwww! but he is so thrilled with it. I love seeing him so happy

last night he was playing(read running a muck) in my living room and fell onto a hippity hop ball.wiggle wiggle wiggle he cracked himself in the face with it and heard his little tooth make a crackling sort of noise. you and I know this is normal but sam LOST IT. screaming he broke his jaw and now the tooth fairy wouldn't take his tooth. wiggle wiggle wiggle sobbing into my arms trying to explain to me what happened and I finally figured it out. his tooth is now VERY loose and he is VERY excited.wiggle wiggle wigglewiggle wiggle wigglewiggle wiggle wiggle

I don't think Sammy understands the difference between real and not real. since he is excited to loose the tooth to get money from the tooth fairy but he says he doesn't think she is real

sam says

I so want to be jewish...

why do I forget

how can I forget he is autistic? I know he seems so "normal" sometimes. People always say... "he doesn't look like anything is wrong" or even better "but...he's so beautiful?" as though being funny looking is somehow a requirement for autism or any special need. damn it. i get so angry when people say it, but here I am frustrated with Sammy after a morning of trying to get him dressed. frustrated because he didn't act "normal" and just get dressed. Why cant I remember, he has autism, he cannot help it. why cant I just have more patience?

i feel defeated. Today wasn't even that bad. he woke up came into bed and cuddled under my chin. He likes to snuggle in a ball and tuck under my chin. He says I smell like candy. So we cuddled and for a moment the world was frozen and all was right with the world. Then he asked the dreaded question "I has school today?" to which the answer was"yes Sam, today is Tuesday, Tuesday is a school day" so much for peaceful.
we did manage to get him dressed. though he refuses to wear pants that aren't size 6 even though he usually wears a 7. he is six so his pants should be too according to Sammy. we dressed under the covers and Sam tried so hard to play along to surprise daddy  but he just couldn't calm down. then he hated the shirt and it was like being on a carousel. just going around and around. he never got his teeth brushed, but he did get breakfast... thank God for small victories

silence and sleep

First, I want to say hi to all the new readers I have here. I am so use to basically writing for myself that I forget sometimes people may read this too. welcome and I have gone through most of the comments and I want to thank you all for the encouragement and insight. Its always nice to know we aren't alone, even when it feels that way.

Christmas eve was not the easiest here. My wonder hubby had surgery on the Monday before Christmas and the eve was at my mothers. taking Sammy anywhere is always difficult, add presents and  food into the mix and its pandemonium. he tried so hard but Lord it was horrid by the time we got home. However Daniel was able to get Sammy for a minute to help put out cookies and milk for Santa, get his jammies on and get him asleep in bed.Thank God for wonder hubby

how sweet with his penguin named polka dot

My littlest one awoke on Christmas morning so very excited. bouncing up and down saying"Santa came Santa came" my Sam... well. He wasn't angry. just very matter of fact. I remember feeling like this when Tyler was younger, just wishing he would get excited about something! anything! It makes me want to shake him, but I know that makes no sense since it would do nothing for him.
Sam was out of sorts all day and just difficult, then my dad left before dinner started and of course that created stress and anxiety for Sammy. So dinner was loud and stressful for me. I wish people would get it, would understand what it is to have a Sammy kid.
He did open presents in the morning and was happy enough. he was excited (as much as he ever will be i guess) about the balance board Santa brought. So we begin a full week of Sammy at home for Christmas break. Lord help us all!

a morning of sunshine?

can it be true... could this be so??? An OK morning. It was by no means fantastic but it was better than the rest of the week by far and worlds better than last night! PRAISE JESUS!

Christmas is always a tough time for Sammy. We work hard to set him up with clear expectations and sound ideas on how to handle situations. I am working on a new holiday social story for him to prepare him for the Roy family Christmas. He is usually pretty good so I really can't complain, but I think he is good because we make sure he is "ready" for it. His speech has been back sliding a bit lately so I have to watch that. But most of all I feel blessed to have such a wonderful handsome son

waiting to exhale

Sammy should be home any minute. He brought home a note the yesterday in his communication book that he was having a tough time. He's having a tough time here as well. I am so tired and frustrated and just done. he pretty much wants to live in jammies without shoes on. Can't send him to school like that can I. I almost wish he would go back to wearing only his spider man costume, at least that he would wear shoes with. I just feel like I can't win.

Another ridiculous morning at home. I have realized that if he has a bad morning Nate has a bad day. it spirals out of control and I am left here dealing with it all.

i came in today to Sammy sitting at the breakfast table in his polar bear jammies(thanks Donna) "look mom I'm having breakfast, its oatmeal" so cute ... so normal.

Until he made eye contact with his shoes and started to cry and freak out. He hadn't even put them on yet. then he spotted underwear...OH THE TERROR. he went off to school with all his clothes on and me completely exhausted.

I'm sitting here knowing his bus should be here soon and I am just waiting to exhale.

i know a penguine

who likes to polka, in tapioca who lives in mocha... pretend I know a penguin who likes to polka, in tapioca... and lives in mocha

a brief moment

For a moment I thought it would be a good day. the sun was peeking in my window as I woke up and stretched. the squirrels were outside my window noisily munching something or another. A.J. went it to wake Sammy and told him nicely it was time to start getting up. Sammy's response shattered any sense of happy calm i was feeling "shut up I hate freaking damn school" nice!

we don't talk like that here so where he picks it up, no clue. I do know a little boy at school taught him the F word which he came home singing last week. He had no idea it wasn't something good.

Our morning proceeded to spiral out of control. I tried to race him to get ready which sometimes actually works. not so much today. he tried to get his shoes one and fell apart again. by the time we got to the car it was a disaster. I did get him to sing in the car which broke the evil spell.

and so I love

I love him with everything I have in me. every fiber of my being wakes every morning praying his windows are wide open and its not raining inside the house we share. some mornings I find a bright breezy young man who snuggles me good morning for a second and kisses my hair. Some days I find him snuggled up against me like a baby bird in a nest looking for protection. Some days the rain is just pouring down on us and we don't have an umbrella... its dark and lonely those days.

even after he leaves for school i sit there coffee cup in hand trying to figure out what I did or didn't do that caused the storm to come. Sitting there with tears just beneath the surface and the nagging doubt of pure fear in my heart that somehow it is all my fault.

you see... its been three years since the day autism walked into our life. three years we have had the label and every moment I still wonder what I did. I'm still not past the blame stage of my hurt I guess. I can't blame Sammy, it isn't his fault. I refuse to blame God, because I know God loves me no matter what, in much the same way that I love my sons. So the only one left is me... my fault. Like cold soup spilled in my lap its just there and I don't know what to do with it. I am at a loss. A terrible desperate loss and there isn't a possible way to climb out of this.

I'm sitting here knowing Sammy and I had an amazing night. He helped make dinner and set the table and helped make popcorn. he was sweet and gentle and he was so present. So available to me. I love seeing him this way. I don't want to go to bed because I'm so afraid it will break the spell and tomorrow will be a rainy no good sort of day

snow

we went away for a weekend. spent a night in a cabin and Sammy was so good... most of the time. snow outside and hockey with all the boys. I haven't seen him so happy in a long time. its been a good week. A week unlike most we see in our home. Sammy smiling and free. enjoying himself and just so happy.

I enjoyed every minute of him. thank god because this morning was a crap show

so much for silly bands

every single thing I have done with Sam only works for a short time. Silly bands were fantastic...if he cared about them at all. His behavior behavior has been horrid. Screaming,hitting,breaking things every single morning. I'm a step away from putting him in residential care. I honestly don't have a clue what to do anymore.

however today he went to a party. he roller skated and did wonderfully. he even had to put socks on for the skates.its amazing .its almost as though i have 2 different kids