today Ayn's dad goes into court

Today, the forces of darkness are being challenged. The hearing is set for today.I can only pray for wisdom and discernment for the judges and re-post her father's plea for her return. 

My name is Derek I am a single father of three wonderful young children, aged 9, 10 and 11; my youngest two have both been diagnosed with severe autism. Though a constant and challenging struggle, I have done my best to protect and nurture them, as I love them so much and have dedicated my life to their achievement of happiness. My youngest child is a bright and beautiful little spitfire named Ayn. She has and is blossoming so well here at home and has come so far to overcome her obvious disability, she does however continue to struggle and outburst when in other environments, particularly at school. Ayn is naive and unaware of the dangers that exist in the world at large, so when on Sunday June 12th she escaped the backyard we were very worried for her safety. With each passing moment the likelihood that something terrible had happened increased, as Ayn should stand out from other children easily and should have been quickly spotted. Fortunately Ayn was discovered two doors down playing in a neighbours backyard, the neighbour had taken an afternoon nap which provided Ayn with the ability to play undisturbed. The challenges I have faced in caring for my daughter have been encompassing and life altering, these challenges are very dynamic and new challenges arise as fast as the old one depart. Now with her discovery of the neighbours nearby trampoline and pool, she will undoubtedly seek to return there, vigilance will be required to face this new found challenge, but it is one which I must now face just as I have with each prior challenge and as i would have to with our future challenges as well. As it stands today I may never get that opportunity. On the morning of June 16th two workers from CPS arrived at my home to request that I "voluntarily" give Ayn over to them (she was at school at the time), if I refused they would simply coercively remove her. There should be no illusions here when someone approaches you and says "give me your child or i'm taking her" you should not pretend that any such choice would be done "voluntarily". Within hours of her removal Ayn had hospitalized and drugged with powerful neuroleptics, one of which at double the maximum daily dose. Her whereabouts has been concealed from me, due to me refusing to sign the voluntary agreement. And I will not be given the opportunity to argue before an impartial court as per why this was a wrongful removal for months. After twelve days of hospitalization, in which the hospital noted "no bruises or evidence of physical abuse and her body status showed no evidence of neglect" , and "Initially there was some suspicion of ADHD along with autistic aggression, but this dissipated as Ayn improved...". The hospital insisted on discharging her (june 28th), she is now in foster care awaiting further hospitalization as the Ministry has waitlisted Ayn for a longer term residential based psychiatric assessment. My little girl is autistic, she does not require a psychiatric assessment, I am aware that she does not understand the dangers that lurk, I love her and I protect her, when Ayn has a tantrum at school it is me they either call in to calm her or send her home to, when she is injured it is to me whom she turns because she "needs a bandage". The greatest successes this little girl has had were nurtured in the home, she loves it here, she loves her brothers and she loves her Dad, It is my firm belief that if our system of child protection has reached a point where a happy thriving child who was not abused and in no need of medicating, can be coercively removed from their family, forcibly medicated within hours, denied access to that family punitively, and the family is given no redress for months potentially years; then we are indeed facing a serious systemic problem. A problem which unfortunately is not confined to my city or province, nor even my country, for these acts are playing out around the world. Please help me get my little girl back and to address this issue in such a way that it never affects another family again.

I would be forever in your debt, 

Derek (July28th)

 The preceding was updated on the 28th of July, and with a meeting on the 29th at my home with a social worker from the MCFD, came many new developments. I hesitate to sound overly optimistic, but what a difference: a day, the public spotlight and an experts opinion can make. Though I still lack a firm commitment from the Ministry, they have informed me that Ayn's case has now been reviewed by their resident autism expert. This expert has advised them against placing Ayn in the psychiatric facility, why this expert was not introduced to this case earlier is unknown. In addition the Ministry has ironically informed me that all they would like to see is for Ayn to have proper supports in place, something which I have been advocating for years now. With these supports in place she can come home... reason to rejoice? Perhaps, but without a firm Ministerial commitment to this I cannot relent in my quest for her return. Nor will I relent in my advocacy for the reformation necessary to prevent these systemic failures from ever effecting another family as it has mine. And I ask the same of all those whom have chosen to support Ayn, myself. and all those families facing this threat in the future.  Please join us in ensuring Ayn comes home promptly and a positive reformation of the very system which allowed and endorsed these unjust actions. (Aug 1) 

 iconoclast_ensues@yahoo.com

http://www.facebook.com/groups/152278868178942?ap=1

www.justiceforayn.com

www.justiceforayn.ca

you cant take my eyes

And So We Ride

Sammy began hounding me the day after his birthday that he was indeed ready to ride without training wheels. insistent ornery and demanding he repeated a trillion times "take off the side wheels I am ready to go" I didn't believe him. I was tired and cranky and had about enough I finally just said "fine, when daddy comes home we can take off the training wheels"By the time my husband came home I figured Sammy had forgotten. Sammy then went ,took out a wrench and dismantled his training wheels himself in stealth Sammy fashion.He comes in with one training wheel in hand  and a smear of grease across his soft white cheek, smudges of dirt  under his eye, and the look of accomplishment and pride plastered on his face.

I cant lie, I was not ready for this. I didn't believe he was either. This same boy could not even pedal a tricycle last summer. The coordination it takes to move a bike is tremendous. I could only see our past attempts at difficult things playing out in front of me. the frustration the anger and the screaming. That screaming goes through me like a hot poker. I hate it.So I tried distraction and got the boys to go for a walk with me. We walked 6 square blocks. It was almost dark when we got home. The first few blocks I could hear Sammy muttering "I am going to ride my bike,dad said,when I get home" over and over and over but he stopped before we got home. I thought we were passed it...nope. We turn the corner to the house and Sammy takes off like a rocket and comes back a second later with his bike helmet on. "daddy, I'm ready to go"

I am holding my breath, stealing myself for what is sure to come. Daniel helps him remove the other wheel and we take him across the street. I did not bring the camera, thinking for sure this was going to end badly. I grit my teeth and sit on the curb watching...

HE did it. Really did it. first try he rode a two wheeler all by himself. he didn't fall once. he just rode and rode and rode in circles. He smiled..no BEAMED! He was so proud of himself. I fumbled with my phone trying to get a usable video to post. It's so hard to see but it's there.



Tears streaming down my face as I watch my Sammy Sunshine riding a bike, like millions of other 7 year olds across the country ,across the world. It's so normal, so typical...so HUGE! It's so easy to take for granted moments like this, to just assume your child will learn to ride a bike. It is the little things like this that help me to wake up and fight this battle one more day. It's moments like this that Sammy and I win against autism and I can exhale and enjoy it. We win, autism doesn't take away my baby tonight, it releases it's icy grasp on my sunshine boy for just one night.One Night of reprieve and hope that there may be more to come. someday.

We celebrated with strawberry milkshakes and big kid glasses and straws. We shot straw wrappers at each other and giggled together at the table. Daniel asked Sammy how he knew he was ready and he only had this to say
"I watched the big kids,  it made sense,I saw them and figured it out, to ride a bike, just make it turn"

birthdays

This post has been playing on my mind all week. the wording,the structure. How I can make it not sad or melancholy. How I can make the post happy and upbeat. It's a birthday I should be so happy to have a healthy child. I should be amazed at all he can do. right? It should stop there. For parents of NT kids ... it does. But for those of us in Autism Land we all know it doesn't. Every birthday, though much celebrated, is bittersweet. I wanted this to be a bubblegum post about happy birthdays wished and proud moments of sunshine. I wanted this post to not have to even exist. Here I sit with my coffee in hand and tissues ready. Because even after years of facing my demons with Sammy and slaying the dragon, my heart still breaks into pieces each year when he turns a year older. So forgive me this will not be one of those posts full of sunshine and rainbows. Perhaps because it comes at the end of summer, when we have been holding Sammy together using Duct tape for 3 weeks, after summer program.Perhaps I am just still angry. Who knows.

Sammy doesn't seem to age the way other kids do. While he gets taller and his shoe size changes, his mind set doesn't change as much. He seems much the same Sammy year after year. There are changes, some I never thought would happen. Things I thought we would never accomplish and mountains I never thought we would conquer.  The road has been rocky and steep. I am tired, and he doesn't even know how far he has come. He knows he has autism. he has no idea what that means and he is trying so hard to figure out what it means for him. He understands it makes him different, and we tried to make it positive. For some I guess it can be,but he struggles so much with day to day normal stuff. I just want to whisk him away and make it alright.

He is Seven now. Seven! It's hard to believe that this boy is more than half way to 10! He ages about 6 months developmentally for every chronological year he passes. we are up to about 3.5/4 years of age in his thought process. Mind you this isn't ability. He can do a ton of things most kids his age do and I will post more on that later.  However in his head Sammy is on much the same page as Nathaniel. In some ways Nate is even beginning to pass Sammy. Baby Nate (as he is affectionately nick named) is quickly becoming the big brother, getting Sammy's toys and coat, helping him find his shoes, and get dressed. Nate protects Sammy all the time. It breaks my heart.

my camera died mid song

He chose his birthday meal of Chicken Pie, lettuce (not salad) and dressing and cake(with berries). We went to the store just the two of us and Grace. He pranced through the produce, touched every carrot before picking one and wanted to put chocolate chips in the pie. He smelled every box of strawberries. He picked out the chicken and shook the blueberries so hard I had about 20 squished ones in the box when we got home. He smiled and told each person that passed "it's my birthday I'm having chicken pie" I heard it about 5 dozen times. I came home, we made the meal. He played video games ( a big no-no if the sun is up here) but since it was his birthday he was allowed and I had a glass of wine. We had a slight meltdown over the games being done for dinner, but then something amazing happened... Sammy came to the table and served everyone both salad and pie. Each time asking "would you like chicken pie? would you like lettuce, not salad,just lettuce" I never thought when we set out on this journey that this could happen. He was so present, so open. His windows were Wide open and I could feel the breeze. Thank you God for the breath of fresh air after these past two weeks I can use it.

I love my son. I want so many wonderful things for him but I hurt. my heart breaks and some days I wish it could just be easy. Some days I hate autism. Some days I want to punch autism in the face. I am angry, it's like an 8th person in the house who steals birthdays and sunshine and kicks puppies. I hate it! However I love my Son. He is amazing. and he shows me everyday that I take myself too seriously. He has helped me let go and smile again. He is amazing...and now He's seven

birthdays and bike rides

Sammy turned 7 this week. Seven! where did the time go?

Running Away

So, Sammy has run away. He is angry that he could not have his lollipop after hitting his younger brother. He ran out of the house with nothing on but his pants. His younger brother Nate chased after him and reminded him he needed clothes and food! Sammy came back Nate helped him pack and they left together. I told them to be careful for wolves. They aren't afraid of anything

want ~vs~ fear

It amused me to see him stop and think about what it meant to go off the board.he didnt dive by the way. check out that

sunshine, clouds and rainbows

Sometimes the sun can shine so bright you almost forget the rainy days even exist.

It's been wonderful here, mostly. I am emotional knowing Sammy's birthday is coming. It's difficult for me to see his younger brother passing him in so many skill sets. Sammy is such an intense kid but some days hes all cotton candy and lollipops. I enjoy those days. The days when he sits on my lap and cuddles up or kisses me without needing to be begged . The days he actually tells me about his day and smiles. The days when he looks me square in the eye and says thank you. A lot of those things Sam has learned by watching Nate master them.

Tonight was a night where Nate excelled and Sammy sputtered.We took them to the pool at their Auntie Norma's house. Nate jumped off the diving board swam from end to end(he does wear a float suit) but Sammy spazzed every few minutes. He kept trying and did very well in the end. but he never left the three foot side. He wore a life jacket and could more than touch bottom. He wanted to have fun with the big kids so bad. It breaks my heart to see the inner struggle of a child who wants to do something so badly that it's written in capital letters on their face. To see that something inside my boy is keeping him from going after the dream in his head. It must be like dueling Jedi in his head. How horrible that must be for him. I watched him tonight at war. Not with any other person but with himself.

These moments are the hardest because I cannot just rush in and protect him, love him and fix it. My hands are tied almost as much as his are. It makes me want to scream. Sometimes I wish autism were a person that I could just punch in the face, or scream at. I wish I could go in at night and steal my baby away from it, take control and take him back. What a fool I am to think I have that kind of power. But yet I work hard everyday, stealing bits of Sammy back from autism. like ingredients in a cake.

All I can do is support my son. Love him unconditionally. Treat him with respect and admiration for every fight he wins and even the ones he looses. Because, even when he does loose, he always goes back to fight just one more time. Each time I will be beside him with my light saber ready to take on anyone who dare challenge my Jedi. Until I stop to breath again and see the vibrant colors across the sky
I know there must be a rainbow somewhere for us. There is too much rain and sunshine for there not to be. It's just hard to see it sometimes when your in the battle.

open windows and breezes

There really are good days in my house. Sometimes I almost forget where we are at and the battles of the days gone by. There are days when autism lets sammy out to play with me and it makes my heart fly. Those moments aren't long, they dont last more than minutes.Every moment fills a lifetime of void I feel. There is a a dissconnect with Sam and I. Although I love him with all that I am it is sometimes hard to tell if he loves me too. I know he does with my logical side and he does say it. It's often the words he has been taught and not the way he feels. He feels anger fully, unabashedly and completely. He is learning about his feelings slowly. He sometimes feels sad, which always surprises me.
So these good days, the days with open windows and cool breezes, are my favorite. the days when Sammy get through the whole day without a behavior or lashing out. A day where he doesn't escape or run away or hit and swear. Friday was one of those days.

We went to the park and had a picnic. While the process of getting there was a horror show the actual event was amazing. Sammy played and laughed and behaved. I put no restrictions on him except that he was not to leave the playground. He ran , he played, he hid. He SMILED. a few times he attempted to interact with other kids and I watched as he clumsily interjected into the play and conversation. The children were forgiving and pleasant. I resisted the urge to go facilitate and simply sat and watched and he found his way into the crowd to play too as the little boy beside him simply shrugged and ran after him.
I was so happy to watch that moment to know Sam did it all by himself.

I told him how proud of him I was on the way home and how grateful I was for how well he behaved. Sammy smiled. A true pleased, cat ate the canary, kind of smile.We made it home without a single behavior. I watched him in the review mirror at a stop light. I caught his eyes and with those open windows  that cool breeze floated across the car as he smiled and said "I love you mom thanks for the picnic" and then he was gone. fluttering his fingers in front of his eyes so he could sleep. my sweet angel does love me and I sat there enjoying that breeze and taking a deep breath. I wanted to imprint that on my mind so that tonight when he screams and kicks over the pajamas I choose I can remind myself. He loves me.

MF Alert: Canadian 9-year-old forcibly given psychiatric drugs, over family's wishes — MFI Portal

MF Alert: Canadian 9-year-old forcibly given psychiatric drugs, over family's wishes — MFI Portal

How have we come so far? How did we allow this to happen. our most vulnerable population special needs kids and young children have been torn from parents and assaulted with drugs. Scarier still this is not an isolated case. There are many children who have been placed in Ministry care and as a result have been harmed further.

This poor baby. alone, scared and confused. clouded and neglected for. How my heart hurts for this precious girl and her father who loves her terribly.

When you kiss your kids goodnight tonight and say your prayers take just a moment to say an extra prayer for Ayn and her father. All things are possible through prayer. For HE can and HE will. his plan is in motion our job is to pray so that the evil of the world , the darkness, cannot win

other options for helping Ayn

If letter writing is not your thing consider tweeting for Ayn- tweet with me @AynLoves or @Justice4Ayn Join the Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/groups/152278868178942
Sign the Petition http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/bring-ayn-van-dyk-home/
Give to the Freedom Fund http://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/7b63658d1ed44042b6c67b5a4119adcf

this was a posted comment on the page so i figured I would repost it, just to make sure people see it

‪Derek Hoare talks to Ezra Levant with Sun News Network‬‏ - YouTube

‪Derek Hoare talks to Ezra Levant with Sun News Network‬‏ - YouTube

excuse the quality its recorded from the t.v. every time i think about this I feel ill. this little girl is in danger in custody. google "special needs children in ministry care" the stats of death and injury are ridiculous!

the weight of it

I took Sammy to the grocery store. I typically choose not to since it's hard to keep his hands off things but I took him anyway. Temporary amnesia perhaps? Who knows what I was thinking.
Sam was pretty good.  He did discover the scales all over the produce department. everything we bought he would run over to the scales and place it inside.... flap flap flap. how much mom over and over flap flap flap... he was by far the most excited about the beets and snap peas.I would answer him each time the amount. he would ask if it was exact. and then ask if it was enough or too much. he would go to each veggie we have in our garden and repeat "we have those  right mom?" with such beaming pride and excitement that we did indeed have them in our garden. I apparently should have planted jalapeno peppers, Brussel sprouts and corn. I got an earful over those things. All was good until it was time to leave. Aj watched over him while I checked out and Sammy bolted towards the door. Aj stopped him and then of course Sam punched AJ. lovely. apparently Sammy's limit was about 5 minutes short of what needed to happen which is a vast improvement



Normal for us however most days. I still say it was a decent trip.

What bothers me though is the way people stare. they watch and make comments under their breath. Yes. I have five kids. No, I am not anymore overwhelmed right now than I was before #5 was born. Yes, everything is fine. Yes, I can handle it. No, I'm not some derelict mother who cannot control my kids.
Having five kids seems to make people want to find something to judge me on.
I use to be that way many moons ago. I was the one who thought I had parenting down. I was SOOO good at it. HA! youth and ignorance. I have been humbled by a child who chooses to do his own thing.  A child that laughs in the middle of the store for no reason and so loudly that people turn their heads and stare. I have been humbled by a child who runs away from me, cried for no outwardly discernible reason and screams words like moron and idiot  anytime he doesn't get what he wants. Who tells me he hates me on a daily basis. Even though I know he doesn't mean it, it still stings and even though I know sometimes he just cant control the impulse I still feel like a bad parent.
I have been humbled by Sammy. No need to judge me people, because quite frankly you will never be as hard on me as I am on myself

Abbotsford News - Support grows for Abbotsford dad trying to get back his autistic daughter

Abbotsford News - Support grows for Abbotsford dad trying to get back his autistic daughter

The more I read the more upset I get. This child was taken almost a MONTH ago. She spent 18 days crying. Dad just got his first report on her. days without seeing his child. the findings all stating no neglect, no abuse, no mistreatment found. yet they still hold Ayn. can you imagine what this must feel like for this man?

No walk in the park

Baseball. Fun Right? Sammy's 13 year old brother plays baseball, so we spend time at the park a few times a week. Sammy usually ends up in the trees playing guns along side a few other kids. kind of with and kind of not. AJ's friend Jacob was there last night and Sammy loves him. Jake had a friend with him  and Sammy not knowing how to interject himself decided beating the snot out of this kid was a good idea. We were able to stop it and redirect. the rest of the evening was going well. He would run around the park we would chase him. It's old hat and we are so use to it by now it's no big deal. He has gotten better about staying within the boundaries we set and not running off.

Well he went to throw something away and bolted. Apparently some bigger kids were joking around and teasing Jake. Now when I say bigger kids I mean 6 foot tall bigger kids! Sammy lost it and tried to take on the biggest one. Daniel intervened and we removed Sammy kicking and screaming. everyone looking at us wondering what the heck just happened. Some nights all I can do is shake my head and wonder if it ever gets better

The story of Ayn

Ayn is a 9 year old girl with 2 siblings, a loving father, and autism. She was removed from her father's care because child services felt he was overburdened. This poor baby is now up all night, over medicated, having major behaviors and is still not home with dad. How can these things happen in this day and age. It isn't ok. If you have a second check out his blog 2 posts down. Here is also the form letter for the campaign to help Ayn by writing letters. lets get it moving people and get this girl home.

Date:

Dear ____________

I would like to bring to your attention please an urgent matter which was recently brought to mine.  A little girl, Ayn van Dyk, has been coercively removed from the protection of her father Derek Hoare by the Ministry of Children and Family Development, on June 16th 2011 in Abbotsford, British Columbia.  Though I understand that the separation of powers disallows you to interfere in a Judicial matter, your attention to this matter is due, and any ministerial awareness you can bring is deserved.  Ayn is still a Canadian citizen, who should have the rights there in, she has been removed from her home and as of July 01 still awarded no contact with her family. No allegations of abuse exist, the Ministry believes that Mr. Hoare though a good, loving father, is overwhelmed with his three children, two of whom are autistic. And that the least disruptive measure possible to ensure Ayn is protected is removal from the home. It is with little investigation into the matter which the Ministry has done this, as they have not yet spoken to relevant parties concerning Ayn's behaviour in the home.  

Mr. Hoare and others have stated that Ayn was showing great improvment in the home, yet continued to struggle in a school setting, due to her frequent aggression, she was placed in isolation on a limited school day, and Mr. Hoare was brought in frequently to diffuse Ayn's outbursts or bring her home, where she was calm and constructive.  This child has demonstrated a clear ability to thrive in the home in an unmedicated state, and hence medication is clearly not required for this girls stabilization. Yet deemed not suitable for the foster care system Ayn has been placed in a "specialized hospital" for evaluation and stabilization. Please stand up for the rights of this little girl, she very likely will not undergo any medicating willfully. And has thus: been removed from a loving home, with ever changing and adapting safety measures in place, and been placed in a facility, where she may live through coercive medicating.  

Love, understanding, consistency and stability are very critical to an autistic child's development, to have her endure this experience, let alone the continuation of it, cannot be good for her well being.  Logically if this girl was thriving in the home she should be returned and given proper education and behavioural supports when outside the home, where she was volatile and uncooperative. Families of autistic people everywhere have to protect their children throughout their development, and I believe it is with their loving and willing families first with whom they should reside.  If the Ministry is indeed concerned about Ayn's safety at home or behaviour in the school, coercively removing her and instutionalizing her is an abhorrent reaction to such concern.

With respectful urgency,

Top 25 Autism Spectrum Blogs-Moms, dads, young people blogging ASD

Top 25 Autism Spectrum Blogs-Moms, dads, young people blogging ASD

come one guys vote for you-leave-me-breadless and check out all the other amazing blogs on the site. read them

alphabet soup

Everything has a label, we have ADHD, PDD, GDD, NT, PPD, HFA, AP, GD, EC, and OCD just to name a few. everything has something to signify the disorder, the type of parenting, a deviation from the norm. We put labels on all of it, Like each person is simply a spice or a can in the pantry of life.

Sam's labels help him get services. PDD and ADHD and PICA. He gets help, he becomes a child in the pantry with his label. I am guilty of it. I attach that label whenever he starts acting out in public. Because I feel guilt that I cant "control my child" I feel guilt and fear that I am being judged across the board for his behavior. Once again he LOOKS so typical so I feel like I have to justify. It's so unfair to him. I am working on it

I have always labeled myself as well. I am an AP parent. yup! It's like a badge of honor that I wear proudly. I breastfeed,cloth diaper,co-sleep, anticipate the needs of my babies and let my babies self wean. It has defined who I am as a parent for 16 years. My XH mother railed me for it, my mother applauded me for it, my friends questioned it, applied it, renounced it and adapted it.

Then came Sammy. My world came full stop something like the titanic after hitting the iceberg. How can you parent a child with attachment practices that refuses to attach? SERIOUSLY FRUSTRATING. How do you anticipate needs for a child who doesn't have a clue what his needs are? HOW do I do this? I don't I guess.

I have had to change my strategy. My AP'ness becomes more like that of a bear cub's mother. I protect him from himself and from the world. I tell people that he is autistic so that he wont be judged as a bad kid. So they look at him with empathy and not judgement. He doesn't need sympathy he isn't broken and neither am I

HE IS STRONG AND WILLFUL AND SMART AND INTENSE! and now so am I.

I have to parent him differently. I have to let him struggle and learn. I have to allow him frustration and anger so that he can propel forward. I can't mitigate his struggle but I can hold his hand and guide him, love him and hold him when it all becomes too much for both of us.

Our kids don't assimilate the way other kids do. They don't learn simply by seeing it happen. Each step has to be taught and retaught. over and over.SN kids don't just "figure it out" some day, they don't magically wake up one day and get it. OK maybe some do but most do not.

Attachment parenting is all about meeting the needs of each child right? I am, just not in the typical way other people do. For kids like Sammy we attachment parent by stepping back, holding our breath and often simply saying a quiet prayer. Dear Lord let this be the right thing.

The baby whisperer

So many people are amazed at how babies are drawn to Sammy. They love him.crying baby? That's no match for Super Sam! We have a new baby here.She.Loves.Sam.

Love isn't really a strong enough word for what Sammy and Grace have. She looks at Sammy as though he is her hero.Her very own knight in shining armor.Can a 3 month old baby idolize someone? If it's possible she does. They share moments when I watch them looking at each other. no words no noise just the two of them. I am amazed...  Amazed to see the light in my girl's eyes and the love she has for him. To hear him tell me that he loves her so much he wants to eat her. To see my son, who often resembles The Hulk in a roid rage, soften when he sees his sister. To stop a behavior just because she makes a noise. Its amazing to see how much this little being has changed our house. how much it has changed Sammy.
 There is this part of me, this deep hidden place where the trolls live (before coffee trolls), that is jealous, hurt and almost sad. I know it's so irrational but I am jealous that she connects with him on a level I can't. Even as his mother.
When we brought her home he told me "Sorry mom I cant love you anymore, I love Grace" and that has held true. He barely acknowledged me in passing. He doesn't need to. Wherever I am Grace is too. I tried to take him with me , just him and I and he refused. I feel like I failed, or hit the lottery I cant figure out which one really. But for now I am just grateful that he loves her and it isn't the other way around. I'll just sit here and watch him sleep, kiss his brow, and whisper to him that I still love him...like a banana

explaining to sammy

sammy wants to know how protected the baby is inside my belly

its a p

It's a p - peanut with a P and a nut! i love that kid. Sammy in the background of his nutcase younger brother. Sammy taught Nate to "rack" peanuts with his head. thank god we don't buy almonds


sammy and his hand signals. maybe he will someday work as air traffic control

sweetest moments

awesome moment with Sammy tonight. He made us all smile and it was awesome. Dan was kneeling beside me and Sammy jumped on him. Dan fell over. Sammy looked over , processed for a second and went "ohhh!" in the sweetest little voice. then looked at Dan and asked. "was it fun?!" after Daniel explained that no it was not fun Sammy asked if he was OK. very sweet.

IEP+I expect puke

Sammy's IEP is coming up. he's going through all the testing at the school. So far we know he is doing OK in speech and that his syntax and grammar has improved drastically (please God don't let him test out of speech)  However according to his IEP update with report card they "believe" his lack of progress is due more to internal regulation and internal issues then an inability to perform the work. he CAN spell. he CAN add. he CAN keep up. but he often needs assistance with his daily work. homework is a crap show here as often results in tears . He has such a hard time reading. He cant sit still. He has psychological issues in addition to the autism issues. I feel like we cant win for loosing. then I wonder what his IEP meeting will be like.

In acushnet we were assured he was fine, it was my issue, in my head. they didn't see any of the stuff we did here. I felt lost. Now I know they see a lot of the issues we do, not as violent but the rest of them. So i feel better knowing it's not just me...but sad...because it's not just me

bugs!

Everyone here is finally health. PRAISE JESUS!
I just finished watching parenthood for this week. Amazing Andy and his bugs. It's so funny to watch that. I picture Sammy as an adult as he runs through my house in his superman costume trying to sneak snacks into the living room. He makes me smile.

When Max's dad asked Andy if he was happy and he said "yes, sometimes" and then asked Adam if he was. It occurred to me. that's what I am working so hard for. For Sam to have a normal, happy sometimes kind of life. just like me, but better. I can only support him and love him and pray for every bit of normal he can gather in life.

It takes some of the pressure off, because I really do think he is happy, sometimes. I just somehow got caught up believing he was supposed to be happy all the time. that somehow him being autistic meant I was supposed to make his world perfect for him to get better. What exactly is better anyway? I don't want him to be a drone of society, I like his quirky different thinking and his little idiosyncrasies. I appreciate most of them... except for the issues we have with sock.yes, except socks.

I want Sammy to be happy, and honestly... I think he may be...

....sometimes

sam snow and stomach bugs

We have all been sick here. Sammy was the last one to linger with the sick bug. Plus we have had a ton of snow days as well. This makes for some very stir crazy kids.However with me being sick Sammy has had opportunities to show off his sweeter side. I LOVE IT. covering me with blankets. brushing my hair and hugging my feet. its been a rough few weeks but I do really enjoy having him home(mostly because I don't have to make him get dressed!)

effects of pot!

a loose tooth wiggle wiggle wiggle

sam has a wiggly tooth. just a little wiggly but he is a man on a mission. wiggle wiggle wiggle. all.day.long he keeps asking me to feel it. eeewwwwwww! but he is so thrilled with it. I love seeing him so happy

last night he was playing(read running a muck) in my living room and fell onto a hippity hop ball.wiggle wiggle wiggle he cracked himself in the face with it and heard his little tooth make a crackling sort of noise. you and I know this is normal but sam LOST IT. screaming he broke his jaw and now the tooth fairy wouldn't take his tooth. wiggle wiggle wiggle sobbing into my arms trying to explain to me what happened and I finally figured it out. his tooth is now VERY loose and he is VERY excited.wiggle wiggle wigglewiggle wiggle wigglewiggle wiggle wiggle

I don't think Sammy understands the difference between real and not real. since he is excited to loose the tooth to get money from the tooth fairy but he says he doesn't think she is real

sam says

I so want to be jewish...

why do I forget

how can I forget he is autistic? I know he seems so "normal" sometimes. People always say... "he doesn't look like anything is wrong" or even better "but...he's so beautiful?" as though being funny looking is somehow a requirement for autism or any special need. damn it. i get so angry when people say it, but here I am frustrated with Sammy after a morning of trying to get him dressed. frustrated because he didn't act "normal" and just get dressed. Why cant I remember, he has autism, he cannot help it. why cant I just have more patience?

i feel defeated. Today wasn't even that bad. he woke up came into bed and cuddled under my chin. He likes to snuggle in a ball and tuck under my chin. He says I smell like candy. So we cuddled and for a moment the world was frozen and all was right with the world. Then he asked the dreaded question "I has school today?" to which the answer was"yes Sam, today is Tuesday, Tuesday is a school day" so much for peaceful.
we did manage to get him dressed. though he refuses to wear pants that aren't size 6 even though he usually wears a 7. he is six so his pants should be too according to Sammy. we dressed under the covers and Sam tried so hard to play along to surprise daddy  but he just couldn't calm down. then he hated the shirt and it was like being on a carousel. just going around and around. he never got his teeth brushed, but he did get breakfast... thank God for small victories

silence and sleep

First, I want to say hi to all the new readers I have here. I am so use to basically writing for myself that I forget sometimes people may read this too. welcome and I have gone through most of the comments and I want to thank you all for the encouragement and insight. Its always nice to know we aren't alone, even when it feels that way.

Christmas eve was not the easiest here. My wonder hubby had surgery on the Monday before Christmas and the eve was at my mothers. taking Sammy anywhere is always difficult, add presents and  food into the mix and its pandemonium. he tried so hard but Lord it was horrid by the time we got home. However Daniel was able to get Sammy for a minute to help put out cookies and milk for Santa, get his jammies on and get him asleep in bed.Thank God for wonder hubby

how sweet with his penguin named polka dot

My littlest one awoke on Christmas morning so very excited. bouncing up and down saying"Santa came Santa came" my Sam... well. He wasn't angry. just very matter of fact. I remember feeling like this when Tyler was younger, just wishing he would get excited about something! anything! It makes me want to shake him, but I know that makes no sense since it would do nothing for him.
Sam was out of sorts all day and just difficult, then my dad left before dinner started and of course that created stress and anxiety for Sammy. So dinner was loud and stressful for me. I wish people would get it, would understand what it is to have a Sammy kid.
He did open presents in the morning and was happy enough. he was excited (as much as he ever will be i guess) about the balance board Santa brought. So we begin a full week of Sammy at home for Christmas break. Lord help us all!

a morning of sunshine?

can it be true... could this be so??? An OK morning. It was by no means fantastic but it was better than the rest of the week by far and worlds better than last night! PRAISE JESUS!

Christmas is always a tough time for Sammy. We work hard to set him up with clear expectations and sound ideas on how to handle situations. I am working on a new holiday social story for him to prepare him for the Roy family Christmas. He is usually pretty good so I really can't complain, but I think he is good because we make sure he is "ready" for it. His speech has been back sliding a bit lately so I have to watch that. But most of all I feel blessed to have such a wonderful handsome son

waiting to exhale

Sammy should be home any minute. He brought home a note the yesterday in his communication book that he was having a tough time. He's having a tough time here as well. I am so tired and frustrated and just done. he pretty much wants to live in jammies without shoes on. Can't send him to school like that can I. I almost wish he would go back to wearing only his spider man costume, at least that he would wear shoes with. I just feel like I can't win.

Another ridiculous morning at home. I have realized that if he has a bad morning Nate has a bad day. it spirals out of control and I am left here dealing with it all.

i came in today to Sammy sitting at the breakfast table in his polar bear jammies(thanks Donna) "look mom I'm having breakfast, its oatmeal" so cute ... so normal.

Until he made eye contact with his shoes and started to cry and freak out. He hadn't even put them on yet. then he spotted underwear...OH THE TERROR. he went off to school with all his clothes on and me completely exhausted.

I'm sitting here knowing his bus should be here soon and I am just waiting to exhale.

i know a penguine

who likes to polka, in tapioca who lives in mocha... pretend I know a penguin who likes to polka, in tapioca... and lives in mocha

a brief moment

For a moment I thought it would be a good day. the sun was peeking in my window as I woke up and stretched. the squirrels were outside my window noisily munching something or another. A.J. went it to wake Sammy and told him nicely it was time to start getting up. Sammy's response shattered any sense of happy calm i was feeling "shut up I hate freaking damn school" nice!

we don't talk like that here so where he picks it up, no clue. I do know a little boy at school taught him the F word which he came home singing last week. He had no idea it wasn't something good.

Our morning proceeded to spiral out of control. I tried to race him to get ready which sometimes actually works. not so much today. he tried to get his shoes one and fell apart again. by the time we got to the car it was a disaster. I did get him to sing in the car which broke the evil spell.

and so I love

I love him with everything I have in me. every fiber of my being wakes every morning praying his windows are wide open and its not raining inside the house we share. some mornings I find a bright breezy young man who snuggles me good morning for a second and kisses my hair. Some days I find him snuggled up against me like a baby bird in a nest looking for protection. Some days the rain is just pouring down on us and we don't have an umbrella... its dark and lonely those days.

even after he leaves for school i sit there coffee cup in hand trying to figure out what I did or didn't do that caused the storm to come. Sitting there with tears just beneath the surface and the nagging doubt of pure fear in my heart that somehow it is all my fault.

you see... its been three years since the day autism walked into our life. three years we have had the label and every moment I still wonder what I did. I'm still not past the blame stage of my hurt I guess. I can't blame Sammy, it isn't his fault. I refuse to blame God, because I know God loves me no matter what, in much the same way that I love my sons. So the only one left is me... my fault. Like cold soup spilled in my lap its just there and I don't know what to do with it. I am at a loss. A terrible desperate loss and there isn't a possible way to climb out of this.

I'm sitting here knowing Sammy and I had an amazing night. He helped make dinner and set the table and helped make popcorn. he was sweet and gentle and he was so present. So available to me. I love seeing him this way. I don't want to go to bed because I'm so afraid it will break the spell and tomorrow will be a rainy no good sort of day

snow

we went away for a weekend. spent a night in a cabin and Sammy was so good... most of the time. snow outside and hockey with all the boys. I haven't seen him so happy in a long time. its been a good week. A week unlike most we see in our home. Sammy smiling and free. enjoying himself and just so happy.

I enjoyed every minute of him. thank god because this morning was a crap show

so much for silly bands

every single thing I have done with Sam only works for a short time. Silly bands were fantastic...if he cared about them at all. His behavior behavior has been horrid. Screaming,hitting,breaking things every single morning. I'm a step away from putting him in residential care. I honestly don't have a clue what to do anymore.

however today he went to a party. he roller skated and did wonderfully. he even had to put socks on for the skates.its amazing .its almost as though i have 2 different kids

4... yes 4

Driving home the other day I looked over at Sammy. He was staring out the window with a forest gump smile on his face. We had just been to visit his new school and had the 10 cent tour. He liked the sparkly doors in the lunchroom and the boat on the playground. He did however mention the school reminded him of sweaty shoes. I don’t really understand but I just nodded. So as we were at the light he was looking out the window. I figured it might be ok to try a conversation…

Please understand, conversations with sam can be painful. He rarely makes cmpete sense and it is difficult to get his attention. I often feel dejeted and sad when conversations fail. But it’s been better, so much better, so I figured we could try.

Mom- hey Sammy what cha thinking about?

Sam- being 7

Mom - being 7?

Sam - yup (pause) I turn 7 ,I be big, I be different?

Mom - you want to be different at 7?

Sammy- yup. I be bigger? I run faster, be taller?

Mom - yes, Sammy when you get older you get bigger.

Sammy - then I be big …like superman (silence)

That was it.

4 volleys. Yeeeehhaaaa

Sammy and silly bands

Eureka! My poisonous bug obsessed child has found something he loves that I am willing to give him. Though I do believe he would have been thrilled with a corpion for good behvior, that was just tad bit too much for me to handle. Cardinal rule of life with Sammy only promise or suggest what you will 100% follow through with. Everything in life is a lesson.

So silly bands. He earns them when he does something super awesome, or just for being good for a long time. He looses for acting up, making bad choices and defiance. He has an arm full. Seriously. He has been so freeking good lately I can hardly stand it!

parenthood

If you haven’t seen the show please check it out. There is a boy named Max. He is a dark haired dark eyed version of Sammy. He talks like him and everything. While I understand it is simply a show, it has brought me to tears so many times. Even just thinking about some of the moments on the show make me choke up. Silly huh?

Please understand, for the world to see this child, to see max, and maybe have an idea. An inkling of what it can be like to live with a child like Sammy. My heart sings because he isn’t some kid drooling in the corner or rocking and silent. He is a real kid, with great ideas and vibrancy and personality. He . Is. A . Real. Boy! Perhaps less people will ask if Sammy is like rain man when I mention he has autism. Perhaps through this a few less people will give me the pity look. Perhaps people will learn that he is a person, just like them.

Ma has no real behavior issues other than a moment where he breaks the fish tank. that’s ok though. Noone needs to know the dark side of it. I want them to know there is hope and sunshine and light or days when the windows are open and the breeze is coming in.

30 rock...

30 things I have learned from my son with autism

1. Packing peanuts stick to tear streaked cheeks, and immediately stop the tears

2. Lint from the dryer is almost as cuddly as a kitten, and doesn’t need to be fed

3. Oatmeal kisses last for 20 minutes if you don’t wash your face

4. There is an absolute wonder in grasshoppers, butterflies and spiders.

5. Sometimes things are messy, and that is just fine.

6. Some days your socks make you crazy. Underwear is a tool of torture and mass destruction

7. We all thrive on structure here. Consistency is key.

8. Turning on the ac 3 minutes before getting in makes the car the perfect temperature so your shorts don’t stick.

9. The words “I love you” carry more weight than a mack truck

10. My 5 year old can eat 3x his weight in berries.

11. Gluten free crackers make great frisbies. Gluten free cereal turns into slime when dumped in juice.

12. If you say no , mean it. If you say yes, do it. And sometimes being silly split’s the difference.

13. Never leave a permanent marker in your child’s reach. Especially near the baby.

14. While the 5 year old with autism may not be able to figure out the epi pen, the 3 year old NT kid can and will.

15. Running in the rain with no shoes on is way more fun than a shower.

16. Just because he sees things differently, doesn’t make them wrong. I sometimes wish I saw the world the way he does just so I could understand..

17. In a child’s eyes there is no difference between an eagle and a parrot.

18. Silly bands are like gold!

19. There are some things a hug, kiss, snuggle can never fix.

20. I am not a super hero, I do not have superpowers unless you ask my kids.

21. 15 minutes extra, is sometime all you need to avert disaster.

22. Mashed potatoes stick to ceiling fans

23. Just because he can’t handle it, doesn’t always mean I want to. But neither of us have a choice.

24. Blame is not important, the solutions are.

25. If you leave a drink alone for 30 seconds it will disappear.

26. I am so not equipped to be this child’s mother, but I am getting a crash course.

27. I don’t want him cured, I want him happy. Whatever that takes.

28. Dr. Suess rocks.

29. I am in Holland. I didn’t expect the trip but I’m learning to love windmills

30. Autism has changed our life…

He does not call the equipped...

He equips the called. We hear this a lot in our circle. I'm frustrated and here is why. I feel ill-equipped I don't feel like I have the necessary tools to raise Sammy some days. It's my pity party and I will cry if I want to. But I am humbly reminded in these moments the problem is not with Sammy. He is perfect and in God's eyes just as he should be. the issue lies solely in my lap. I don't know what I am doing

I hear this and remember, he does not call the equipped. Obviously he called me. In a loud and earth shaking voice. It scares me to be trusted with such a monumental task. He is amazing and I am blessed. My help comes from the Lord. I cannot do it on my own. So I humbly beg you Lord to watch over me and help me find the strength to carry my cross. you have trusted me with something that not everyone is trusted with. I don't want to let you down. Help me praise you Lord, in my own personal storm

got the fever for the flavor of a pringle

Sam with a fever on Monday of 103 was more coherent than any other time in his life. you see when Sammy does not have a fever he is like a pringles chip. They taste good, come in different flavors, aren't as bad for you as other chips because they have less extra grease and fat. They are light and airy and come in a can. When he has a fever he is much more like a regular chip. real honest to goodness potato chips aren't formed all into the same shape, they taste even better even if they aren't as good for you. They come in a bag which makes you feel like you somehow got more even if you didn't.

stay with me here

When he isn't sick, he is a pringles chip. he sounds the same and acts the same. his words have been given to him and rarely do you get something you have never heard before. Everything revolves around star wars Jedi and spider man , its really all just one formed chip. Granted being healthy and not having a fever is the preferred option, what fever seems to do to his brain is amazing. His conversation healthy is light and airy and sticks to the surface. He still only holds 2 conversation vollies.

But with fever he talks about everything , he becomes real...3-d. he sings songs without prompting, tells me what he likes and wants. smiles and even held a 9 volley conversation. he talked about the sky and the sun. He asked where clouds came from and then understood the answer. Before anyone jumps on me for the "real" comment please understand I am not saying he isn't a real kid otherwise, he is. It's just the difference between flat Stanley and Muppet's 3-d.

I love him more than anything and I obviously want him healthy but I do wish I could keep those pieces of him closer.

the joys of life

There truly is joy in every moment of my life. I know I use this mostly for Sammy but my oldest son is on the spectrum as well. Tyler has Aspergers. He is an amazing thoughtful young man with a quiet and calm sense of self. Up until a few years ago we never really saw him express emotions.

In fact in second grade teachers thought he was depressed. He made the same face, happy or sad, it didn't really matter. Once we realized where the deficit was we worked on it.

He smiles a lot these days. He is 15 and so much fun to be around. He relates so well to Sammy and most days is his favorite person.

We took the kids to the park. we brought a parachute with us. wonderful things happened. Sammy's language was amazing. Tyler had a blast and I giggled as I watched the chaos. I loved every.single.moment.

the mornings

Let me start by saying boys are gross. little boys eat sleep and breath boogers, dirt and all sorts of other nasty things. in fact I mean that both literally and figuratively.So this post is gross...sorry

Mornings here are a bit much with Sammy. He hates getting dressed and his new issue...boogers

yes boogers. He wakes up today at 6 am, informs us he peed his pants and then starts flipping out. 15 minutes later i have ascertained only that its something that is hard and stuck. 10 more minutes and i have now figured out that it's a booger stuck in his nose. Its hard and its making him craaaazy!

I help him (read=fail) to blow his nose. I of course do it wrong and yet again chaos ensues.

my husband at this point left the room so here is Sammy, naked (peed his pants) writhing and screaming on the bed beside me. I'm only 8 days post op today so I'm still sore and fragile.

Daniel did come and rescue me only to have Sammy then switch gears to watching TV during breakfast. Breakfast and videos are never an allowed thing. Sammy thinks for a minute and then tells me "that is just crap mommy total crap" Crap, i wonder where he got that from...lovely!

45 minutes later and Daniel is battling him over underpants and t shirts. Sammy is screaming about hating school and wanting to go in early, video games and television. The list is endless.

his bus will be here in about 15 minutes he is playing his DS and calm. thank God he wont need to be carried to the stop. I cant do it.

we did have one fantastic moment today. I slept in a tank top since it was so warm. At some point this morning Sammy says "You might want change you shirt mom" when I asked him why, his eyes got big and round and his face lit up as he smiled at me. His little hand was twitching as he quietly told me in a hushed giggling whisper "A'cuz my want tickly you!" Those windows into his thinking, those moments make the hours of crap and anger we dealt with today worth it.

Sam the ninja

Sam thinks he is a ninja. He's a backwards ninja with his pants on his head. Life is always interesting in our house. The insight Sammy shares with us is sometimes the largest ray of sunshine anyone ever could get. he shines like a new penny in the sunlight. today happens to be one of those days. I'll take it.






He also got sick at school today. He has been a puker all his life. He has a hair trigger stomach. After changing his diet it got better. spring is the time though if its going to happen it does. He's sitting on my couch in his underpants playing video games. He's happy and well.

He told me all about the leprechauns today , what an amazing imagination. maybe ill get him to tell me more again later. I do love listening to him talking to me. it took so long for him to find his words. I pray they never stop. His voice (even when he is angry) is like music to my ears a soft song on a summer night or a ruckus wind that clears away the clouds. Again. Ill take it

Stolen Pictures

Those of you with children who were diagnosed after 2 or 3 years old. Have you looked back at your photos? The photos you took before the day autism changed your life? For some of us that day was an answer to a silent , or not so silent, prayer. Some of us were shocked and terrified. Either way we had answers at that point, whether we wanted them or not. There really was little choice at that point. I moved through those days and weeks in kind of a stupor, but I got through them.

What still chills me to the core is the way autism has crept across all my photos. I look at photos of him before 9 months and I see a little boy inside his eyes. He is in there ! His windows are open and I can feel his presence. I remember him from so long ago. The child who babbled and played peekaboo. The boy who loved mommy and daddy.

From 9 to 18 months something changed. At first it was slow, little things that just didn't make sense. A child who suddenly became aggressive and angry. He stopped making word sounds I stopped being momma and became a grunting guttural sound. then BANG like a gunshot in a crowded room, everything was gone.

I lost my little boy at 18 months. I see that now pouring over his baby books and reading the entries into his journal. I didn't see it then. I still thought things were OK. I believed if I loved him enough those nagging doubts would go away. they would silence themselves in still dark water and my shining son would be fine.

Until the day i looked back at his photos. That day shook my being to the core in a way that nothing else could. " I'm sorry your son has autism, there is nothing you can do" didn't even have the impact my photos did.

looking back I see a little boy with fading light, changing intensity, disappearing self... and I missed it. I missed it all. I put my blinders on and trudged ahead as if my world wasn't changing. Autism crept in and stole my photos of the vibrant boy I thought I had and replaced him with a shallow imitation of the boy I knew him to be. It stole my son away from me and I have fought so hard to get him back to me. He may never be the same and really, who wants that? But I need to see the windows open.

I know now there was something about Sam from the beginning, something...different. He never cried in the nursery when all the other babies did. He never looked at me when he nursed. He never slept. His cry was always hollow. He always sounded strange when he made noises. I know now that those were signs I missed, ignored... It hurts me. I failed him.

But would anything have changed if I had kept my eyes wide? I have no idea. I know that those pictures register guilt, control, and culpability for who my son became. I am his mother. that makes it all my fault ...right?
I look at him today as he gets ready for school, green eggs and ham day, all dressed in green jammies. Wide eyes and a big smile as he stares past my eyes into my hair. His eyes darting everywhere as he smiles and flaps. I brushed his hair without incident today. His teeth never got brushed and he hug kiss snuggled me from the door. His windows are closed today so far. I hope he comes home with some fresh air for me. After looking at his photos I need it

a day with no sparkles

Today was rough. I am just getting over a nasty bug and honestly feel terrible. Sammy picks up on that, sort of like the way a dog smells fear. So while I tried to lay still and get well, Sammy has brought complete havoc on our house. puddles in the bathroom, scissors to his pants, sharpie to his baby brother. yeehaa ! I am greatful my darling husband is so good with sammy. Sammy has informed me that puking is (usgussin) disgusting , jammies are no fun, and he hates his life. Once I became mobile I found random pickle deposits , socks everywhere, and even some random sticky goo smeared on my kitchen floor. it's a lost day, and sometimes that has to be ok.

Welcome Back

Things have been good here. So good that I haven't been writing here. We have started Kindergarten here. What an amazing journey! Yes we still fight daily when it comes to getting dressed, brushing teeth and hair, and eating breakfast. I still get beat up most days when he gets off the bus. But there is something more these days to Sammy. He has this soft sweet energy. He makes me smile and looks me in the eyes more often than not. I always felt deep down that autism took my boy. That we had lost a piece of him that would never be recovered. But some days I see him. He peeks out like the sun behind the clouds. Sometimes he stays for a chat. He tells me things I never think about and notices things I don't. He smiles with his whole face and cries with his whole heart. He amazes me!

Its been 2 whole years since he was diagnosed. Christmas is so hard because of it. It is the reminder of what we struggle with. I see children younger, or close to his age. I am amazed at the difference of where they are and where he is. I have no clue if he will ever catch up but for now he seems to be a fantastically engaging child with a 3 year old mentality. I love the Sammy we have found. Please God let him continue to visit.