loss.. and life after

 Sometimes I miss you so much it steals my breath. It makes my heart beat so hard that I swear people nearby can see it beating from my chest. I once compared grief to spilling cold soup in your lap. You feel like you can't fix it, can't change it, and can't just walk away. Some grief is that way. But this, this is the kind of pain that picks at your bones relentlessly. You can feel it stealing away who you are inside just a little more every day as you try to pretend you are entirely fine.

Fine. Fine.

There is no such thing as ever being O.K again when you house this kind of pain inside of you. The pain you cannot escape from because even when you sleep it sneaks up on you and whispers in your ear.

Loss.

the pain of loss

The pain that settles in your bones when your heart is missing an integral piece that makes up the person you are.

You never feel whole again from that moment.

It's always there.

Sometimes though you let it boil over, like an overinflated balloon. It screams to be let out, loosened, set fee. 

The tears spill to the surface, they spill over your face like rain a summer storm and wash away any hope you had of ever feeling normal again.

Sometimes in those moments you allow yourself to see what could have, should have, or might have become,  if only...

if only...

 Haunting thoughts and words for anyone that has ever suffered loss.

 If only I.. 

my thoughts began and that was enough to open flood gates I wasn't able to contain the rush I had been trying to protecting myself against.  I was blindsided.

 Grief does that sometimes. It hits you like a freight train out of nowhere and there isn't a thing you can do to save yourself.

August is hard. 

because I miss you and who you might have been. 

I was standing there raw in my grief, as if it hadn't been 19 years.  As if It was a fresh wound still pouring forth blood and rage and fear.

In some ways it is always fresh. You don't breath a moment without loss reminding you it there. It may not bubble to the surface frequently but it is always there, just waiting for the wound to open and bleed hot, fresh, and viscous over everything surrounding you.

I have always been embarrassed by my grief for you. I am sorry for that. 

I carry the burden of you alone.

if only. ( there it is again )

 I am embarrassed by all of the pain this body and heart holds. It isn't just you.

I have run from the grief many times, wrapping myself in a blanket of logic and excuse. I tried to run from it this time, but you know me too well.

I tripped.

Literally, tripped.

I caught myself and looked to find what had tripped me intending to pick it up and throw it into the ocean for daring to stop me. What I saw stole all the air from my lungs. You ...

the reminders I see when I miss you the most.

a single heart.

sometimes you surprise me in a flower petal, or a misshapen cookie, a cloud, or a spill. Reminding me that you are still in heaven waiting... you got the better end of the deal my love. If you ask me.

and there you were.

I may have never been able to hug you, but in moments like these I am sure you are hugging me

When It's Endless

Do you see those clouds? The seem endless don't they? As if they simply go on forever and never ever end. they seem so beautiful don't they? Those clouds as beautiful as they are carry rain and thunder. An intense storm dropped shortly after this photo was taken. Just a few hours later and these clouds became dark scary and powerful.

That is my life right now.

I am in the storm, not the eye , since that would be calm, but the thick of it. Swirling winds, pounding rain, and debilitating pressure.

I am drowning.

There doesn't seem to be an actual end in sight. There isn't anything I can do and I am just so tired of fighting.

You know , no one wants to talk about this stuff. Depression scares people. They don't want to deal with it, they tell you to pray, they offer platitudes that do absolutely nothing. If a hallmark card fixed it , don't you think I would have done that already?
 Depression and talking about mental health makes people uncomfortable.
It's time we stop treating mental illness as though its a big scary monster under the bed. It isn't

It's a big scary monster sitting beside people in your life right now

Sometimes It's just hard to breath

Most of you know the feeling, the weight on your chest, the restlessness in your body. That feeling that you just want to be anywhere but here. The feeling that your life is somehow being sucked away from you into a vortex of inability and disappointment. It will fade sooner or later. I have learned that much. This feeling doesn't stay forever, it just feels like it will.
This, restlessness...
It consumes me more often than not

It could be because I am not doing what God wants me to. It could be because I am and somehow I should be learning from this. It could simply be that my brain is broken beyond repair. It could be this time , this feeling doesn't go away.

I just can't breathe and honestly I am just so tired. I am tired of trying to smile when I feel nothing. I don't even really feel sad anymore. Just broken and restless.

I feel like a failure. It's as if I just can't put the puzzle together even with the pieces numbered and placed in front of me.

I just want to be anywhere but here. I want to be far away from whatever this is supposed to be.
Most of all, I want to feel something.

Mother's Day Without the Son

It all happened so fast. Time flew by and my babies grew. One is a Soldier, one is an Airman. One is married with a child, the other turned 20 today. One is working hard to be the best young man he can despite the difficulties that are in front of him.

It's my mother's day without the Sons. It couldn't be more fitting for the day to have been rainy , dreary, and sad. I tried to be happy but it was difficult.

I had a moment in church when I realised that we fit in a smaller pew now. the girls with us, and Nate serving. I miss having all my children with me. I missing hugging them whenever I want to.  Wrapping my arms around them , reminding them they are loved, and being silly with them. I miss the big boys breaking into wrestling matches everywhere. They really are best friends. Maybe I did something right after all?
I hope they know how loved they are. How blessed they have made me, and that no matter how far away we are from each other, I am just a phone call away.

Little Hands and Gentle Hearts

Those little hands are Annabelle's. She is 3 now. I am not entirely sure where time went or how she is now a preschooler rather than a toddler. She is loving and strong and vibrant. Everything she is meant to be. She is amazing.

But those hands, those hands remind me of the gentleness I need to put forward. The soft that makes me the woman God created me to be. I focus on helping my children to be who they are called, but I often forget who I am called to be.

Life is hard. Very hard. So many moving parts that create an insurmountable wall of fear and sadness. I often want to quit. I want to give up on everything and just fade into the darkness in my mind.
but I don't

and I won't

Because those little hands need my guidance still.

Some days I can hardly breath. I just don't have the energy. But I keep going, because this is part of what I am. Who I am. 

I am trying to learn from it rather than be destroyed by it.

Often, I am bitter and angry. I want to be spiteful and vengeful. I am after all human. But instead I silence myself and quiet my heart.

I just pray that this cloud goes away.

Batteries Not Included

I'm here. Sort of. Albeit in pieces. I can hardly breath most days. My life is heavy and uncontrollable often. I put one foot in front of the other. Not because of any sort of determination but simply because dying is not an option.

Our family has hit a rather dark and difficult place, as a result things have changed here dramatically. It will work itself out and I am doing everything I should. That does not make it easy though.

This past year I was deeply hurt by a few very judgemental people that I trusted. It has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth and as a result I have shied away from writing here. Words can be twisted, and my heart just can't take that right now.

So forgive me if I am not giving details, or posting here often.

However...
Sam is now 13 and an amazing young man. He is currently back in public school and doing better than anticipated.  He recently cut his hair. He is well over my height (not difficult) and strong as an ox.

 So that's the update for now

re·sil·ience

re·sil·ience- the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

I have heard it time and time again. I am strong, resilient, unshakable. Yeah, but no. Not this time.

I feel as though I am drowning in a giant sea of cold, wet, sticky, mashed potatoes.

I don't know if I can recover from the mess in my world right now. It has forever changed everything about how I think. How I parent.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. Knowing you don't have a choice doesn't make it easier either.