I spent days thinking about how I could kill myself in ways that my children wouldn't find me and be broken by it. I wrote and rewrote suicide notes to my children. Telling them over and over that it wasn't their fault. Telling them that I loved them. How could I say I loved them? How could I give up and say I loved them?
So I kept going.
Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. for them at least. It was unbearable some days as I forced myself to get out of bed and teach them.
One day, at my lowest point I was sitting and really ready to just give up. I had cried all the tears, I had nothing left. I was simply a giant black hole. My sweet daughter Annabelle wandered into the kitchen and climbed up beside me. She hugged me and said , " I am your gift, You are my gift. I love you".
This baby. I was horrified when I got pregnant with her. I was maxed out physically, emotionally,financially, and mentally. I just couldn't figure out how I would be able to care for yet another baby.
But as always God knew best and gave me her, because that moment was on the horizon. She saved me.
It prompted me to increase my medication, and I am on a much better path right now.
But that isn't why I am writing. I have been thinking about how mental health is treated in this society. People don't know what to say, or how to act when they find out you have depression. Some think they can just tell you to "snap out of it" others will say " well, it could be worse"
I assure you, we know.
we know it could be worse
we know we should be happy
we want to snap out of it
we know we have so much to be grateful for
we know we are loved
we know people need us
we know our children,families, friends,siblings, aunts, cousins... love us
we know we have so much to live for
but none of that matters.
none of it
Because the darkness is stronger than that. It swallows us whole.
We begin to believe that we are being kind to those we love by alleviating the burden created by our depression.
Depression, deep dark scary depression, is exhausting. waking up every day, getting out of bed, and even eating, takes everything we have.
sometimes that is just too much to handle .
So if you love someone with depression, just love them. be there. remind them they are safe. Love them. It's ok to be there with them and be silent.
You can't fix it for them. You can't make it go away. We cannot just snap out of it. Just because we seem "fine" doesn't mean we are.